Chapter 9 #2
It’s not a healthy mechanism, by any means, but it’s the least damaging out of the others I’ve done.
Stepping in, I suck in a breath when the scorching water beads against my back, but I embrace the discomfort.
Instead of feeding into the bad thoughts, my mind focuses on the pain while I wash my body and hair.
When I change the spray pattern to a pulsating pressure, I let it drum hard against my chest until I can’t take it any longer.
By the time I get out, steam consumes the bathroom.
When I wipe the mirror, I examine my body before wrapping myself in a towel.
The temperature isn’t hot enough to cause scars but standing underneath it for more than ten minutes would do some temporary damage.
After giving myself blisters a few years ago, I knew not to stay under it longer than that.
Since I didn’t eat dinner and The Lodge is closing soon, I make a few ham and cheese sandwiches. It’s pretty much the only thing I can ‘cook’ without setting off my smoke alarm.
I plop down on my couch in ripped lounge pants and set my paper plate of sandwiches on my bare stomach. With one foot propped up on my coffee table, game highlights playing on the TV, and a bottle of Coke next to me, I feel as pathetic as I must look.
Halfway through my second sandwich and doom scrolling on my phone, Delilah’s name pops up with a text.
I hate how fast I click on it and how her messaging me first kicks up my heart rate.
Delilah
How’d registration go?
Not wanting to come off too eager, I act indifferent that she’s asking me.
Wilder
Fine.
Delilah
When do you start?
Wilder
Saturday. I’ll work every weekend until I hit my hours.
Delilah
You’re gonna stay busy.
Wilder
Seems that way.
Delilah
You left before I could tell you…but you can’t blow up and overreact.
What the fuck now?
Setting my plate down on the table, I sit up with my elbows on my knees.
Wilder
What is it?
Delilah
Right before you arrived, I found out Jonah’s sister is married to Wesley. Based on what Jonah told me, I think he’s the one Wesley was watching at the Twisted Bull.
Wilder
Jesus Christ.
Which means it’s possible Jonah knows I’m the one who slept with his sister and could potentially use Delilah to get back at me.
Delilah
If what Wesley said about the drugs is true, then he could be talking about Jonah. I didn’t know if his true intention was to apologize or something else, so I told him I had to go.
I stare at the screen, my jaw locking and teeth grinding hard. That dipshit being related to Wesley makes this more twisted and fucked up. But I can’t react with guns blazing so she doesn’t know how heated this news makes me.
Wilder
You need to stay away from him.
Delilah
Already planned on it. I’m not trusting anyone I don’t know considering that damn article.
Wilder
Good.
I don’t know what else to say at this point. Probably why it takes her a few minutes to reply.
Delilah
Anyway…just wanted to tell you in case you saw him again. Better to be safe than sorry and keep your distance. The last thing you need is him antagonizing you on purpose.
Wilder
Duly noted.
If I see Jonah again, I’m putting my fist through his face for the ripple effect he caused.
Consequences be damned.
Delilah
I was startled to see you at the cafe after I’d just found out, so I’m sorry for not telling you sooner.
Wilder
Not surprised since you don’t wanna talk about a lot of things.
Yeah, I’m still butt hurt about it. Not because I can’t take rejection, but she’s the only woman I’ve caught feelings for, and I’m so goddamn tired of hiding them. The more I see and talk to her, the harder it gets to keep my distance.
But then getting to kiss and touch her? It’s a miracle I haven’t dropped to my knees to beg her to give me a chance. I understand why she’s hesitant, but I wish she’d let me prove her wrong.
Delilah
That’s not fair. I already told you…I haven’t felt like myself since my dad died and getting involved when I’m struggling this much wouldn’t be fair to you.
It wouldn’t be a real shot. There’d be too much on the line if it went south.
So for now, can you just forget it happened and go back to the way things were before that night?
Wilder
I’m afraid I can’t forget it, Delly. But I’ll respect your decision and won’t bring it up again unless you do. Maybe time apart will help me get over my feelings because seeing you only makes me remember that you want me too.
I hate how dramatic that sounds, especially for me. But after nine years of what I thought was one-sided pining, I can’t go back to pretending my feelings don’t exist.
Delilah
Time apart? What’s that mean?
Wilder
It means, the next time we’ll see each other will be in Vegas…assuming I’m allowed to go.
Delilah
Are you sure that’s necessary? That’s not for three more weeks.
Wilder
I have therapy and community service to focus on anyway.
Plus, I start anger management in two days and will have to go every Thursday for two months. Then it’ll switch to every other Thursday until my review hearing.
It takes her a while to respond. The jumping dots appear and go away several times before she finally hits send.
Delilah
Fine. If that’s what you want…
I roll my eyes because I knew she’d say that. It’s a cop-out, but I didn’t give her much room to argue anyway.
Wilder
It’s not what I want but it’s what I need to do.
I’ve been able to suppress my feelings for years because I never thought she’d return them. However, knowing she does but won’t do anything about it means I need to try getting over her for good. I’ll never be able to move on otherwise.