Chapter 8 #2
“Well, this is kind of an important thing. I… I assume we’re getting married, and we’re staying married for the rest of our lives, and this is an issue that we’re going to have to deal with.”
Her heart skipped a beat and then started up again faster, thundering in her chest. She hadn’t really meant to bring up that subject, but she supposed it was a good thing he had. She hadn’t wondered about it, just assuming that marriage was a marriage, but now she knew for sure.
It made her a little nervous.
She wasn’t the young girl that she was the first time she got married.
She felt so much older now. Even though it was only ten years, it felt like a lifetime. That young, innocent girl, who had stars in her eyes and thought she knew everything, no longer resembled her in any way.
“Well, we kind of got off subject. I asked about Christmas, and we ended up talking about birth control.”
She laughed. “I’m sorry. I was just thinking that I’m not like the little girl I used to be.
Even the young, innocent girl I was when I got married the first time.
I’m older, more serious, I have a tendency to think about things, and I guess pleasing God is more important to me than almost anything, hopefully anything. ”
“I like that. I knew that about you, or suspected it, because of things people had said. It’s one of the things I talked to the pastor about. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable marrying you if not, although I don’t know that God would have told me that I should, does that make sense?”
“God has a tendency to know what we need before we do. And He definitely knew I needed you. And He brought me the perfect man, one who is concerned about doing right and who loves Him above all else.”
That was what she wanted, even if she did feel a little bit put out that Wilson loved God more than he loved her, or that Wilson was just marrying her because God told him to.
“You know, I never thought about how Hosea’s wife felt.”
“Really?”
“No. I mean, it must have been really nice to marry a man like Hosea, but he was only marrying her because God told him to. It had to have hurt her feelings some.”
“I worried that I wasn’t being romantic enough,” he said as he waited for a car to pass him before he moved into the left lane.
“No, that’s not it. And it doesn’t really bother me because it’s like what you said. I’m glad that you’re following the Lord. I want to be married to someone like that. It’s just… The idea that someone is marrying me because they have to, instead of because they want to, is a little…hurtful.”
“I guess that’s the reason you’re marrying me though, isn’t it?”
She hadn’t thought about it that way. That he might feel bad because she couldn’t find anyone better to marry her. That she was just desperate enough to take the first marriage proposal that came along and it happened to come from him.
“I’m sorry. I never considered that you might feel the same.”
“It doesn’t really bother me, because I asked. I wanted you to, I would have felt bad had you said no, but I wasn’t deluded into thinking that you said yes because of anything special about me.”
“Well, that’s not entirely true. If you were not a Christian, I would have said no. And that’s final.”
“Good to know. But still, we don’t really know each other that well. So it wasn’t like you chose me. You know?”
“True. I understand what you’re saying. And I agree. I guess we can complain about that, but it seems silly to.”
“I agree. Is that one of those things that the younger you might have been upset about, but the older you is too pragmatic to even be bothered by?”
“Yes. Exactly. I’ve grown up. And I think it’s mostly a good thing. Although, I guess I wish I could get my excitement about life back. You know?”
“The idea that there’s so much ahead of you and you’re looking forward to it?”
“That.”
“I have that. I’m looking forward to life with you.
I’m looking forward to the challenge. This morning was…
challenging. And I think that’s the way life is going to be for a while.
Actually, it will be that way for a long time if we decide that we aren’t using birth control.
Which is…kind of radical. But Jesus was radical.
So I don’t think that radical should scare me as long as it’s biblical.
Something that’s not biblical should be the scary thing. ”
“I agree. But being radical in today’s world is to have the rest of society look at you like you’re an idiot and treat you like you’re stupid. It’s definitely something that’s going to get you looked down upon.”
“That shouldn’t bother us. If we’re doing what God wants us to do, it doesn’t matter what men think about us.”
She was quiet, because he was right. But maybe he didn’t understand how much pressure there was to conform.
She didn’t know how many times she’d heard people say that she shouldn’t have had so many children, then she wouldn’t be in such a pickle when her husband left.
Like having her husband leave was something she should have known was going to happen, and having so many children was a mistake.
“Do you have a lot of great memories about Christmas from when you were a child?” she asked, turning the question around back on him and moving the conversation away from birth control.
That probably wasn’t the best thing for two people who didn’t know each other to be talking about.
Although, two people who were on their way to get a marriage certificate should have already hashed that out.
She couldn’t win.
“I do. My mom is the best cook in the world, and we always had good food to eat. Dad would have more time off from work around the holidays, so we’d get to see him more, and while we probably didn’t get as many gifts as most kids our age, I remember there being big piles of presents, that felt like so much, and I always felt spoiled and happy and excited on Christmas. ”
“Do you remember the day that you realized Santa Claus wasn’t real?” she asked, knowing that that was something that had clouded her childhood.
“Mom never did Santa Claus. It just wasn’t something that was in the Bible, and I guess she felt like it took away from Christmas or something.
Plus, Mom never lied to us. Not once. She might not have told us things, I’m sure there was plenty she didn’t tell us, but she never lied to us. Including about Santa Claus.”
“I think that’s the way to go,” she said simply.
She hadn’t told her kids yes or no about Santa.
Other people would ask them if he had come, but she didn’t try to hide things from them.
She wasn’t sure exactly what they believed, and she hadn’t tried to convince them either way.
“I suppose a parent should guide their children, rather than just letting the chips fall where they would.”
“Why do you say that?” he asked as he pulled into the parking lot of the courthouse.
“Because I hadn’t really told my kids yes or no about Santa. I just allow it to ride. And when they would ask if Santa Claus would come, I would say, ‘what do you think?’”
“That’s a nonanswer.”
“Yeah. I’m the mom. I should be teaching them, not just allowing them to learn from whatever.”
“Well, you can start from today making a new way forward.”
“That’s what I plan to do.”
Today felt like a new beginning almost. Not just about Santa Claus, but about the rest of her life.
She had told him she wasn’t excited about it anymore, but that wasn’t entirely true.
She had a little bit more of a realistic view.
She knew the work involved, how tired she would be.
How hard things could be sometimes, getting to know someone new and bringing that man into her family…
It made her nervous, but if she were being honest, she was excited as well. Just…tempered excitement.
He put the truck in park and turned the motor off.
Looking over at her, he said, “Are you ready?”
“I am,” she said, with as much confidence as she could put into the words. She was ready. There was no doubt in her mind that she was making a good decision.