Sullied

Chapter 21

Twenty-One

Ru

“Thanks for coming.” I close the door behind Zoe and grab the shopping bag from her arms. “And thanks for bringing the goods.”

When Sully was still quiet and melancholy the night after Voijin’s surprise visit, I knew I needed to call in reinforcements.

Zoe with sweet treats has got to cheer him up or nothing will.

“It’s no trouble,” she says. “This is exactly what four wheel drive is for.” She takes off her gloves and coat and hangs them by the door. “Now where is our sad boy?”

I nod toward the bedrooms. “He’s reading.”

“Leave him to me. Why don’t you go out for a while. Take a walk. Or make yourself useful and shovel that mess that used to be a driveway.”

“On it.” I kiss her cheek. “Thanks, Zo.”

“Don’t thank me yet. Wait until you smell the kitchen when you come back in.”

They’re going to make cinnamon rolls. At least that’s Zoe’s plan if she can talk him out of the bedroom. When I called, I told her what was going on in as much as I could without invading Sully’s privacy. So even though I had to be a bit vague, she got the idea.

“Feelings require carbs,” she said. “Don’t worry. I got this.”

I definitely don’t deserve her.

Sully

I hear Zoe’s arrival, and I’m weirdly torn.

There’s a burst of excitement because I’m happy she’s here.

Then I remember that I’m not actually happy in general.

Then I tell myself to fucking get over it and decide to be happy already.

So I tug one of Ru’s old hoodies over his old T-shirt and make myself get out of bed to greet my friend.

She’s halfway down the hall when I come out of my room. Her arms open wide. “Ru said you might need a hug.”

Ru is right. And though I appreciate the hugs and cuddles he generously offers me, it feels different to fall into Zoe’s arms and drop my head to her shoulder.

I’m not mad at Ru. I’m not. It isn’t his fault he worked at II Tech. We’ve talked about it at length. I know he never would have agreed to work for them if he knew what they were up to. If he hadn’t been so vulnerable by the sudden loss of his family. He’s not a bad guy. Quite the opposite.

But even knowing that, it’s hard to completely separate him from my life there. How miserable I was. How no one helped. Not Voijin. Not even Ru.

Damn Voijin.

How could he let me suffer like that? For all those years? Knowing…

Knowing.

I can’t bring myself to think of him as my sire. Because he wasn’t. He isn’t. Everything I’ve learned about a vampire and their maker indicates the older vampire should care for the younger ones. Should teach and protect. Should love.

And he was there on the sidelines doing none of that.

I can’t forgive him. I won’t.

Even though some small part of me wants to. Wants to cling to the idea of family. A father figure. A mentor. But he doesn’t deserve that.

Besides, I have Ru for family now. At least it seems like I do. We haven’t discussed the future beyond escape. His goal is to get farther and farther away until II Tech can’t find us anymore.

But I don’t want that. I like Ru’s house. I like Zoe’s cottage. I like Zoe.

I don’t want to run. I’m through with hiding.

I want to fight.

“You okay, boo?” Zoe’s hand pets my hair. I’m afraid I’m sniffling on her pretty gray sweater.

“Sorry.” I straighten.

“Nothing to be sorry for.” She lets me go, and I miss the hug already. “Come on, I kicked Ru out for a bit. Let’s do some baking and talk.”

“Baking? I don’t know how to bake.”

“It’s easy, plus you have me for a teacher, and I’m great at baking. We’re making cinnamon rolls.”

“I’ve never had cinnamon rolls.”

“Tragic. Trust me, this is the best way you can eat that cream cheese frosting you love so much.” She takes my hand and guides me into the kitchen.

Ru’s things are still at his makeshift desk on the table, but the man is nowhere to be seen.

“Wait, what’d you do with Ru?”

“Told you, I kicked him out. We need some girl time.”

“But I’m not a girl.”

She goes digging in cabinets for bowls and things. “Today, you’re an honorary girl.”

Why do I love that sound of that so much? “In that case, I think we should do face masks.”

“Sold. Dough first, though. We can pamper ourselves while it’s rising.” Zoe pulls up a recipe on her phone, and the two of us set to work.

I mostly follow her instructions. Measure this, pour that, mix this, stir that. Seems complicated, and I’m glad she’s doing the thinking parts for both of us.

“Ru tells me you guys had a visitor last night, and that it’s made you sad. You wanna talk about it?”

Yes. No. I don’t know.

She must read my hesitation as reluctance because she adds, “You don’t have to.”

“No, it’s okay. I probably should.” My stirring is maybe a bit more violent than necessary.

“How much do you already know?”

“Not a lot. Ru didn’t want to encroach on your privacy.”

I fill her in on the details. A bit about what my life was like at II Tech, about the ones I left behind, about Voijin over the years and the particulars of his surprise visit last night.

“Holy shit, Sully. That’s a lot to take in.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t mean for me. For you! The news he’s your sire. After all this time.”

“Oh. Yeah.”

“What a mind fuck. No wonder you’re down. I’d hug you again but my hands are covered in flour.”

I hold mine up and wiggle my fingers. “Mine too. But this is helping. Having something to do with my hands.”

“Good. Because that dough is going to require a lot of kneading. Let me show you.”

Another short baking lesson follows, and then the welcomed monotony of working dough until it’s ready. Whenever that is.

Zoe sits on a kitchen stool and listens as I ramble.

“It’s just that I always kinda liked Voijin.

Like, a little bit, at least. He was interesting.

He was never mean. Some of them are. Mean.

The other vampires. The researchers, the scientists, the lab techs, the guards…

a lot of them were mean. Some were downright cruel. I don’t want to talk about that.”

Memories come and go like flashes of lightning. Bright and detailed, then gone, shoved aside in favor of the present.

Dough.

Push, fold, flip, turn.

Push, fold, flip, turn.

“But Ru was the only truly kind person I met at II tech. He always talked to me like I was a real person, like I might have my own opinion on things, like I mattered. Even Voijin didn’t do that. I think he avoided me.”

Zoe adds more flour to our dough. “Then he’s a dumbass.”

My own laugh startles me. Thinking of Voijin—stuffy, wise, old Voijin—as nothing more than a dumbass makes me giggle. “Yeah, he is. Dumbass.”

“We can roll that out now if you want.”

“Okay,” I say, though I think I could happily knead this dough for hours. There’s something Zen about the repetitive motion. The push and pull and how the dough gives itself over to my working.

Zoe coaches me along.

Flour on the roller, roll until about a half inch and flat, add the cinnamon filler we mixed earlier, make a log, cut buns with floss, set in basket, cover with towel, wait for dough to rise.

It’s so relaxing. And it smells delightful.

“I think I love baking,” I tell her as we stand at the sink, washing our hands side-by-side. The pleasant scent of lavender soap mixes with cinnamon.

“Good. Me too. You’ll love it even more once we’re at the taste-testing stage of the experience.”

“If the smell is anything to go by, I’m sure I will.”

She sets a timer for an hour, and we retreat to my bedroom and the attached bathroom full of products Ru let me order from the internet after Zoe’s first visit.

Zoe peruses our choices, sets me down on the closed toilet seat, and goes in with a cleanser.

“God, your pores are amazing. It’s not fair,” she says.

I’d trade, I think, but I don’t want her to feel even more sorry for me than she already does. Less-than-perfect pores for a normal life? A real family? A job? Friends? Sign me up.

Besides, she’s exaggerating. Her dark skin is beautiful. She glows inside and out. Meanwhile my own sire wanted nothing to do with me until I managed to escape the prison he caged me in.

“The sad is back,” she says.

“Yeah,” I admit. “And I’m sick of it, slinking in like an oil spill and darkening all the new light parts of my life.”

“Oh, snap. There he goes getting all poetic on me.” She paints a creamy white goop onto my face. “Killin’ it, Sully.”

“I’m serious. I don’t want to mope about it. I want to do something.” I take the cream from her, stand, and gesture to the lid. “Sit. It’s your turn.”

She does. I start with the same cleanser she used on me. Her lids flutter shut. Such trust. I’m gentle. Careful with every swipe of the cotton ball.

This next bit feels dangerous, but I want it too much to hold back. “Can I tell you a secret?” I ask.

She nods. “’Course you can.”

Somehow, it’s easier like this. With her eyes shut. I go in with the cream and choose my words carefully.

“Ru would like to leave. Run away, as far as we can get, make ourselves untraceable and hide from II Tech for the rest of our lives.” I release a breath. “But I don’t want that.”

“What do you want?”

It’s amazing to be asked that question. What do I want? As though my opinion matters.

A shiver grips my spine. The little hairs on my forearms bristle.

My dark streak flares to life. “I want to take them down, Zoe. Brick by brick or all at once, I don’t care.

Destroy the labs, destroy the prison, burn the whole building down if I have to.

Free the others. Free myself. No more hiding. Just living.”

She opens her eyes. Deep brown irises stare directly into my soul. “There are others?”

“Yes. I was Specimen 19. They’re not all still around.”

“Why is this a secret?”

“I’m afraid to talk about it with Ru. I did tell him. I remember telling him. But he had an asthma attack right after, and since then it’s like he’s pretending he doesn’t know. He doesn’t understand.”

“He will.” She reaches for my hand and holds it. “Maybe not right away, but give him a chance. He’ll get it. And he’s bound to feel bad about the others.”

“Maybe. But even if he understands, it’s not going to change his mind. He doesn’t want to fight.”

“Well, yeah. He’s afraid of losing you.”

I let her words sink in.

“This vampire who says he’s your sire. Voijin. You said he wants to help.”

“Not with this.”

“Are you sure?”

Am I? I guess not. It hadn’t occurred to me to ask him for help. I’d thought maybe to warn him, though I owe him nothing. Somehow, I still don’t want his blood on my hands. “I don’t know.”

“You could ask him. He owes you. Big time.”

The face mask itches as it dries and crackles on my skin.

She goes on, “And if he’s a big, bad, scary vampire, you should let him do the dirty work. I get why you want to destroy them, but it’s not your responsibility. To me, sounds like it’s his.”

“I hadn’t thought of it that way.” I pick at the flaky bits on my chin. She’s not wrong. “But I don’t know if I can trust him.”

“I hear you. Dumbasses aren’t the most trustworthy bunch.”

Despite my mood, I chuckle. That word applied to Voijin will never not be funny.

“That’s the spirit.” She turns on the taps. “Let’s wash these off and check on the dough. We can talk to Ru together if you want, or, if you’re not ready, that’s okay. Your secret is safe with me.”

“I adore you.”

I’m not sure if I’m ready to bring it up to Ru again or not. But I do know he isn’t ready to hear it. Not while all his travel plans sprawl out mid-project on the kitchen table. I turn my thoughts on the matter over and over in my head, a lot like kneading dough, and study them from all angles.

It’s temporary safety versus permanent safety. And I don’t want to settle.

Zoe and I bake the rolls. She’s quiet, which I appreciate. As much as I love talking with her, there’s so much to think about.

Can I ask Voijin for help?

Should I?

At some point, Ru comes back inside, stomping snow off his boots and warming his hands by the oven.

“It smells amazing in here,” he says. “When will they be ready?”

“Soon,” says Zoe. “Go shower. Then we feast.”

He kisses my temple as he passes, headed down the hall to his room.

Zoe lowers her voice and asks, “So have you guys… you know…yet?”

My cheeks heat, and weirdly, I don’t know how to answer. Does what we’ve done count? I mean technically, I’m still a virgin. I think. Maybe definitions don’t matter.

Apparently my flushed face is all the answer she needs. “Say no more.” Then, conspiratorially, “Unless you want to, that is. I can handle details.”

I chuckle and shake my head. As much fun as it would be to kiss and tell, I would need to talk to Ru first. Make sure he’s okay with that level of sharing.

The buns come out of the oven smelling divine. Golden brown and plump. We let them sit for a few minutes before adding the best part: cream cheese frosting. We add so much it dribbles down the sides and pools on the pan.

Ru joins us, hair wet and curling at the ends. We plate out buns and cram together on the sofa, all three of us.

“All right,” says Zoe. “Dig in. Carbs are better than therapy.”

I’ve never had therapy, but that sounds right to me.

The first bite melts in my mouth. A happy explosion of sugar, cinnamon, and butter on my tongue. Satisfying bread texture, warming my throat as I swallow. “Holy shit.”

“You’re damn right.” She licks frosting off her lip.

“Zoe, you are an absolute goddess among us,” says Ru, and that’s an understatement.

We laugh.

We eat until we’re stuffed.

We stoke the fire and take comfort in the warmth. After much chatter, the cabin grows quiet. Peaceful. Calm.

Zoe catches my gaze and holds it meaningfully. Not pushing, just a gentle reminder. This is my chance. I could talk to Ru about the hard stuff while I have a friend here to support me. I should do it.

The confession is on the tip of my tongue.

My muscles tense. My nerves flare. My breath catches in my throat.

I duck my head and chicken out.