Chapter 34 - Agastya
Ifelt an ache settle in my chest watching her palanquin disappear into the distance. Turning back, I looked at both my brothers and my bhabhi-sas, who were watching me with smiles.
“I hate you for doing this,” I groaned to Rudra Bhai-sa.
He pulled me into a gentle hug and patted my back. “Both of you deserve a grand wedding,” he said, and I smiled, agreeing.
Ranvijay Bhai-sa joined in our hug and added, “Let's start the preparations already.”
I chuckled slightly, realising it was my wedding. It was Agastya Dev Singh’s wedding, and that with my favourite person, Suman.
“Oh my goodness, I can’t believe this is happening,” I exclaimed.
“Yes, Devar-sa, it is indeed happening,” Nandani Bhabhi-sa teased, walking toward me. “And you’ll not be a free bird anymore. From now on, you cannot leave anytime you wish. You’ll have to suffer the consequences of falling in love.”
Aishwarya Bhabhi-sa chuckled with me. “Jiji, if Suman is the consequence, I’m sure Devarsa wouldn’t mind,” and we all broke into joyous laughter.
After all teasings and talk, we retired to our chambers.
The preparation had already begun, and Bhabhi-sa had decided that we would leave for Mahabaleshgarh the next day to ask for Suman’s hand in marriage. I was excited, nervous—I was so many things I couldn’t list completely.
The whole day had passed in playing with Rudraja. She had gotten so attached to me. We both sat silently in the sunlight. I taught her how to eat grapes, and yes, I taught her one more thing: to bite.
As she giggled, her tiny teeth looked so adorable, and this little mischievous devil seemed ready to bite anything she set her eyes on. She would bite my clothes, my nose. But I taught her specifically to bite my finger. It was so much fun.
Later that evening, I went to Bhabhi-sa’s chamber, where everyone was waiting for me to look at the things and gifts that we were going to take for her. I saw jewellery, clothes, accessories, and so much more.
I clenched my hands, knowing she would smile, looking at all these things, but she wouldn’t laugh. She never took an interest in royal and luxurious things. So, I wanted to give her something from my side.
But what should I give her? Bangles?
No.
A pair of clothes?
No, no. There’s plenty already in the gifts.
Anklets?
I should give something special.
It had to be something that would make her feel special. But I couldn’t recall anything of that sort. Everything was already there. That’s when an idea hit me.
Wait… there’s one thing that’s not there.
A letter. My love letter.
An instant smile appeared on my face. Immediately excusing myself, I returned to my chamber and sat down to write a letter. I picked up the ink and the quill and placed a paper on the wooden table.
But what should I write?
Dear Suman, I love you.
Urgh, that’s not a love letter.
Dear Suman, you’re beautiful, and I love you.
No, no, that’s ordinary, I’ve already told her that a million times.
Dear Suman, I met many girls, but you are different. I love you.
Fuck, this will just hurt her more than reminding her I love her.
Urgh… How stupid are you, Agastya?
I couldn’t even think of what to write in a love letter. I felt I needed help. So, I immediately picked the paper, quill, and the inkpot, and strode to Ranvijay Bhai-sa’s chamber.
When I entered, the guards outside informed me he was in the bedchamber. I sent a message before walking in.
I found him seated on the couch along with Aishwarya Bhabhi-sa. It seemed they were working on something.
“Arre, Devar-sa, aaiye na. Hum aapke liye phal ya kuch aur sewan karne ke liye mangaayein?” “Oh, Devar-sa, come in. Should I call someone to bring fruit or something for you to eat?” Aishwarya Bhabhi-sa asked, rising from the couch.
I nodded. “Sure, Bhabhi-sa. Thanks,” and then moved to Bhai-sa.
Kneeling before him, I placed the paper and inkpot on the table.
He looked at me in surprise. “What happened?”
I clicked my tongue. “Bhai-sa, I’m in great trouble,” I grumbled. “I want to write a love letter to Suman, but I cannot find anything to write. Please help me.”
He made a face, shaking his head. “Are you stupid? I write political letters, and I can write love letters for Aishwarya. She’s your would-be wife. You should write the letter to her,” he said, emphasising the word ‘you.’
“Bhai-sa, you’re not getting me,” I sighed tiredly. “I don’t know what to write in the context for her.”
He denied again. “Write whatever you want to. There’s no format or base to it. It’s highly personal and romantic to do,”
I took a breath, trying to collect my thoughts.
“Alright,” I said. “Alright, I’ll write it on my own. But, can you please show me one of your letters you wrote to Aishwarya Bhabhi-sa, so that I can have an idea?”
“Are you out of your mind?” he sputtered in shock. “No way.”
I gritted my teeth, rising to my feet. “Bhai-sa, you’re literally no help. I thought you were a wordsmith, and that you’ll help me pour some magic into my letter, but you turned out to be a failure.”
He suddenly threw a pillow at my face, making me yelp.
“She’s your wife. You should write it on your own. There’s no good or bad. Just pour whatever you feel like onto the paper,” he advised.
“I hate you,” I groaned and stomped out of his chamber with clenched jaw.
On my way out, Aishwarya Bhabhi-sa ran into me with a plate of fritters.
“Oh, Devar-sa! What happened?” she asked.
I grabbed some pieces, shaking my head. “Nothing, your husband is of no use.”
She knit her brows together in confusion, but I walked away from there.
I thought of asking Rudra Bhai-sa about the same, but the thought that Ranvijay Bhai-sa just hit me with the pillow, but Rudra Bhai-sa would slit my throat, stopped me.
Sadly, I returned to my chamber and lay on my bed, placing everything beside me.
I closed my eyes, and, without wanting to, the moments when I saw her for the first time, the incident that happened, and how everything changed began playing in my mind.
I inhaled deeply and looked at the blank paper. Picking up the quill again, I began writing whatever came into my mind.
Suman,
Pata nahi kyun, jab pratham baar tumhe dekha tha to kuch kshanoan ke liye dekhte hi reh gaye.
Sabki drushti se door, tum ek kone mein khadi, chupchaap apni oadhni ke pallu se khel rahi thi.
Shant, Sunder or Saral. Tab humein koi aabhas nahi hua.
Uske pashchaat kadachit humne tumhaari oar dhyaan se, nayan bharke dekha hi nahi.
Mann mein kabhi koi tumhein lekar aisa vichaar bhi nahi aaya.
Parantu jab tum kisi kaarya se kaksh mein aa jaaya karti, ya humaare bhojan ityadi ke vishay mein paraamarsh lene aati to kuch to lagta tha, kintu uska bhi humne kabhi avlokan nahi kiya.
Lekin, sab parivartit ho gaya jab humne tumhaare sasural se aaya wo patra padha.
Use padhkar jab humein gyaat hua ki tumhaare samudaay mein vidhwa streeyoan ko sati pratha nibhaani padti hai to hruday mein ek vichtra si vyatha utpanna hui.
Aisa laga maano tum humse punah kabhi kuch kehne nahi aaogi, bhojan ke vishay mein humse kuch poochne nahi aaogi.
Bheetar hi bheetar ek vyakulta ne humein gher sa liya tha…
Yun to koi anya stree hoti to hum uski bhi raksha karne awashya jaate, kintu raksha tak to seemit tha.
Parantu jab tumse vivaah ka prashn utha tab bhi humein kuch anuchit nahi laga.
Ye jaante hue ki humaara Rashmika ke saath sambandh nishchit tha, uske uparaant bhi humne tumhaari maang bharne se tanik bhi sankoch nahi kiya.
Kyunki us samay humaara wo nirnay humein uchit laga.
Uske paschaat bhi humne anekoan prayaas kiye tumhein apne vichaaroan se nikaalne ke, kintu jab bhi hum tumhein dekhte, to bas dekhte hi reh jaate. Humaare netra maano keval tumhe hi nihaarne ko tatpar rehte.
Tumhaari upasthiti mein, humaare aas-paas sab shaant bhi tha aur aandhi bhi utni hi teevrata se beh rahi thi.
Dheere-dheere jab aabhaas hua ki tum bhi humaare vishay mein kuch aisa hi sochti ho to hum swayam par sayyam hi nahi dhar paa rahe the. Jitni baar tum sameep aa rahi thi, hum behak rahe the, phisal rahe the, aur tum to humein rok bhi nahi rahi thi.
Pata hi nahi chala ki kab Suryagarh ke mahal ki ek daasi, humaare mann mahal ki rani ban gayi. Jis hruday par se humaara vishwaas uth gaya tha, socha tha ki ab ye kisi kaarya ka nahi, us hruday ko humse anumati liye bina tumne apne paas le liya.
Aur tabse humne swayam ko kisi aur ke samaksh hone ki kalpana tak nahi kar paaye.
Humne kabhi nahi socha tha ki humaara ek nirnay humein jeevan mein yahaan laakar khada kar dega. Ki jo vyakti sadeiv kisi rajkumaari ke premi hone ka swapn dekhta tha, wo antataha ek saral, saadhaaran si kanya par mohit ho jaayega.
Hum tumse atyant prem karte hain, Suman.
Tum jab dukhi hoti ho to humein bilkul accha nahi lagta. Mann karta hai ki kuch bhi aisa boldein ki tum bas muskura do. Aur tum jab khush hoti ho to humaara mann phool sa jaata hai, prasann ho jata hai.
Tum saath hoti ho to samay maano ret ke bhaanti haath se phisal jaata hai, aur jab nahi hoti ho to yahi ret kaantoan ki tarah chubhti hai.
Hum thode dusht aur sharaarati hain, maante hain ki tumhe bahut tang bhi karte hain, kintu tumhaare saath ye sab karna humein anuchit nahi lagta.
Tumhaare saath to jaise hum apna youvan aur baalpan, dono hi jee rahe hain.
Vishwaas hai ki tum rusht bhi ho jaaogi tab bhi prem karna nahi chodogi. Chintit rahogi humaare liye.
Eshwar hi jaane kya likhe jaa rahe hain hum.
Likhna to waise kuch vishesh aata nahi hai humein. Ganit aur ganana mein nipun hain hum, to sabhi bhaavnaaon ko ek jut karke likh diya. Aur antim parinaam yah aaya ki, is sansaar mein hum sabse adhik prem keval tumse karte hain, Suman—aur sada karte rahenge.
Upahaar mein tumhe kya dein samajh hi nahi paa rahe the, to socha chalo kuch likh lete hain.
Kabhi-kabhi bhool jaati ho tum ki tumhaara pati bhi hai, usse bhi prem karna hai, isiliye smaran karaane hetu ye patra upyogi hoga.
Theek hai, to, accha…
Tumhaara priya, Agastya.
(Suman,
I don’t know why, but the first time I saw you, my eyes simply stayed on you…
for a few still moments. You stood quietly in a distant corner, far from everyone’s gaze, quietly toying with the hem of your dupatta.
I didn't feel anything then, at least that’s what I believed.
Perhaps after that day, I never really looked at you again with any true attention.
Never once did such a thought wander into my mind about you.
But whenever you would enter my chambers on some errand, or approach me to ask about meals and arrangements, something in me stirred, though I never paused long enough to understand what it was.
But everything changed the day I read that letter from your in-laws.
And when I learnt that widows in your community were expected to burn on their husband’s pyre, a strange sense of anxiety arose within me. It felt as though one day you would stop coming to me, stop asking me if I’d eaten. A strange restlessness took hold of me…
Had it been any other woman, I still would have stepped forward to protect her, but only protection, nothing beyond.
Yet when the question of marrying you arose, I felt no hesitation.
Even knowing that my alliance with Rashmika was nearly certain, I didn’t falter for a moment while marrying you. It felt undeniably right.
I tried many times afterwards to drive you out of my thoughts, but each time I saw you, I could not look away. My eyes seemed to exist only to find you.
In your presence, everything around me felt still and calm, yet a storm raged with equal force.
And when I realised that you, too, perhaps felt something similar for me, I lost control of myself. Every time, the closer you came, the more I slipped… and you never stopped me.
I didn’t even realise when a maid of Suryagarh became the queen of my heart. A heart I believed broken, useless, which I had lost faith in, you claimed that heart without even letting me know.
Since then, I haven’t been able to imagine myself with anyone else.
I never thought one choice would bring me here, that the man who once dreamt of loving a princess would instead fall irrevocably for a simple, ordinary girl.
But I love you, Suman. I love you deeply.
When you’re hurt, I feel unsettled. I want to say anything, do anything, just to make you smile. And when you are happy, I feel as though something inside me blossoms.
When you’re with me, time slips like sand through my fingers, and when you’re gone, that same sand pricks like thorns beneath my skin.
Yes, I know I’m mischievous, troublesome even. I tease you more than I should because with you, none of it feels wrong. With you, I feel like I’m living both my youth and my lost childhood at once. I believe that even if you’re angry, you won’t stop loving me. You'll still be worried about me.
I don’t even know what I’m writing anymore.
I’m not particularly good at writing. Yes, I’m adept with numbers and calculations, so I gathered every scattered feeling I possess and set them down for you. And by the end, the result is that, in this universe, I love no one more than I love you, Suman. And I always will.
I couldn’t think of a gift worthy enough for you, so I thought of writing this letter. You sometimes forget that you have a husband who needs your love too… so let this letter serve as a little reminder.
Alright then… enough for now.
Yours, Agastya.)
Phew…. Finally.
I rolled the letter. It was way more difficult than I had thought. But I unfolded it again and read it once.
Ew… It’s so bad.
I let out a frustrated groan and put the letter on the bedside table.
Is this even a good idea? A pair of anklets would be a great option.
Going with the thought, I immediately went to the goldsmith in the palace and asked him to make a beautiful, heavy pair of anklets with many bells. I wished to hear her walking, running around my chamber, wearing them.
Oh my goodness!
The thought alone felt so good.
The day had almost ended, and the next day we got ready in the morning.
Badimaa, along with her daughters-in-law, also returned to the palace from one of the princely states on the outskirts of the kingdom. They had gone there to oversee some internal affairs of Suryagarh.
We all got set to depart for Mahableshgarh. I wore a simple white kurta because it was a special occasion.
I couldn’t wait to meet her, because each passing moment felt like a century.
Thankfully, before it had turned dark, we reached Mahableshgarh.
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