11. Lena
11
LENA
L ena removed her shoes when she reached the beach and walked across the sand, enjoying the feel of the warmth against her soles. She wanted to paddle in the sea and feel the soothing lapping of the waves against her skin, to breathe in the salt-laced air and let her thoughts drift away. Feelings pass like the clouds racing across the sky , she had told herself many times recently, but sometimes they only passed when she made a conscious effort to let them go.
When she reached the sea, she shivered as the cold water caressed her skin. She had always been keen to learn about herself, about why she thought and felt the way she did, and she liked to analyse her feelings and reactions. She knew how complex the human brain was and that sometimes patterns created in childhood could affect how an adult dealt with situations, but she also believed it was possible to change. Life scarred everyone in some way, whether physically or emotionally, often a combination of both, but everything made people more resilient. She had been through her fair share of experiences, and they had left their marks on her, but she was still here, still able to enjoy much that life had to offer and still capable, it seemed, of feeling connected to others. She could make new connections and that thought excited and unnerved her because the most recent human connection was to a man she barely knew, a man who clearly harboured pain of his own and who didn’t even seem to like her if she was being honest with herself. She had no idea how she was going to approach this situation or if she should even try to get to know him better. Definitely NOT in a romantic sense if he was with the pregnant woman she’d seen him with earlier. And yet the thought of not trying to be his friend seemed so sad to her that her chest ached, and she knew she would forever wonder What if… Connection to others came in many forms and friendship was an important one.
‘Lena? Are you OK?’
She turned to find Ellie at her side.
‘What?’ She blinked. ‘I mean, pardon?’
‘You’re upset.’ Ellie touched her arm.
‘Me?’
Ellie nodded and it was then that Lena realised her cheeks were wet. She patted them with the back of her hand and sniffed. Ellie opened her bag and pulled out a pack of tissues. ‘Here.’
‘Thanks.’ Lena removed a tissue from the pack then dried her cheeks. ‘I don’t know what came over me.’
‘It’s the sea.’
‘The sea?’
‘It’s healing being here,’ Ellie explained. ‘I’ve been through the same thing. When I came back here after over a decade in London, I wasn’t prepared for the impact of being near the sea again, but boy did it hit me!’
‘Really?’
Ellie nodded. ‘It was like all these pent-up emotions I had stored inside me came rushing to the surface and I had to release them.’
‘Wow. I guess I have been doing the same thing. I mean… storing emotions inside.’
‘We all do it.’ Ellie shrugged. ‘It becomes second nature to push things down, putting on a brave face and getting on with things. But it’s not healthy and sooner or later those things will rise to the surface and BOOM!’ She made a gesture that suggested an explosion happening. ‘But being near the sea can help you to heal.’
‘Have you healed?’
‘Massively. I didn’t even know how broken I was feeling. I knew I wasn’t right but then I came home to Cornwall and once I started letting things out, it was like a geyser.’
‘But you feel better now?’
‘I do. Obviously, I still cry, and I will always need to release things but I feel lighter than I did. I’m convinced that healing is an ongoing process and with each step of it, we can feel a bit better. We shouldn’t try to suppress our feelings but should try to face them and set them free.’
‘I like that idea.’ Lena smiled. ‘Although it’s not always easy to release emotions, especially not when they’ve been hammered down for so long.’
‘And some of them are downright terrifying, I know.’ Ellie squeezed Lena’s arm. ‘Look, if you ever need a friend to talk to, please give me a call. I’m a good listener.’
‘Thank you so much.’ Lena sighed and her shoulders dropped as some of the tension seeped from them. ‘That means a lot.’
‘We all need friends, and we all need to share. There’s nothing wrong with letting things out. The damage is caused when we hold them inside.’
‘Pain can be damaging.’ Lena nodded. ‘It gnaws away at you over time like a trapped rat in a cage.’
‘That’s a good way of describing it.’ Ellie smiled. ‘So what are your plans today?’
‘I’ve had a look around the fair and it’s very impressive. I met a lovely little pug in the rescue sanctuary gazebo and just stroking him made me emotional. I thought a walk to the sea would help and it did, but it also brought my emotions bubbling to the surface.’
‘Dogs are good for helping you to heal. My partner, Jasper, has a dog called Wiggy and he gives amazing hugs. He’s also a good listener.’
‘Wiggy?’ Lena asked.
‘Short for Wigglebutt!’ Ellie giggled. ‘Because his butt doesn’t stop wiggling.’
‘That’s so funny.’ Lena smiled.
‘He’s the happiest dog I’ve ever met. It’s impossible to be sad around him.’
‘I was thinking about how nice it would be to adopt Harvey but then I initially only planned to be here for the summer. Unless, that is, I decide to stay.’
‘You certainly should consider it if your life in London isn’t what you want anymore.’ Ellie’s eyes were filled with kindness and Lena wanted to lean into her and tell her everything. But she also felt it might be challenging because she had no idea where to start. And as kind as Ellie was being, she probably had a million things to do today.
‘I don’t think it is,’ Lena admitted, the weight of that one confession making her feel instantly lighter.
‘Well there you go then. Take the next few weeks to decide if that is how you feel and do something about it.’ Ellie made it all sound so simple. ‘I did it and so could you.’
‘Thank you.’ Lena pushed a lock of hair that had escaped her plait back under her baseball cap. ‘It helps to talk to someone.’
‘I’m sure you’ve plenty more to say too.’ Ellie’s eyes scanned Lena’s face. ‘But you’re not ready to let it out yet. I’ll be here when you are. My gran, Pearl, is great to talk to as well. She’s very wise and has a way of making things seem more straightforward. Now, I do have to get on because it’ll be busy today at the café but don’t forget that I’m here for you. We can share a bottle of wine sometime if you fancy it, maybe bring it down here and have a good chat in the fresh air.’
‘You’re very kind. I’ll take you up on that.’
‘Do!’ Ellie winked at her then gave her arm one more pat before heading back up the beach to the harbour.
Knowing that she had a friend here was wonderful and Lena hugged herself as she turned back to gaze out to sea. Perhaps Ellie was right, and it was time to let go of everything that wasn’t serving her. What was the point in holding everything in when it was clearly impacting upon her ability to be happy?
She decided to take another wander around the village then to walk up to The Garden Café and get some lunch. It was tempting to return to the rescue sanctuary gazebo and make a fuss of Harvey again, but she didn’t know if she’d be able to walk away without completing an application for him. It would be better, she reasoned with herself, if she gave it a week and thought about it, then if he was still available, she could consider it again.
But as she strolled back towards the harbour, the dog’s cute little face filled her mind and her heart, and she knew that resisting the urge to see him again was going to be tough. Just like the urge to search the faces in the crowd for Thomas would be, because she also wanted to see him again and to find out if he was taken or single, to confirm to herself if the connection she felt to him was real or just a passing fancy that would soon drift away on the fresh sea breeze. Even if they were only destined to be friends that would be something, and she wanted to find out if it was possible.