38
‘C OME on, how much longer ?’ Paul and I are walking the back beach at dusk. ‘We haven’t seen anyone else for ages. Who’s going to see it from here?’
‘Just around the next point,’ says Paul, ‘there’s a stash of wood in the tea tree.’
‘How do you know that?’
‘Cavey’s old man cut down a tree on that farm there.’
‘Where?’
‘Here.’ He drops my hand and sprints up the dune.
‘You want a hand?’ I yell as he disappears into the scrub.
I slide my hands up my sleeves and hug myself; there’s only the slightest wind moving the tea tree and the line between the sea and the sky darkens with the encroaching night.
I’m just starting to worry when Paul’s outline emerges, his arms filled with slabs of timber.
He uses his hands to dig a shallow round bowl in the sand and sparks fill the air as fire catches.
Paul sits heavily on the sand, pulling me down to sit between his knees.
His chin rests on the top of my head, his arms crossed in front of me.
I lay my hands on his forearms. The hair on his arms stands on edge, pale against his tanned skin.
I run my fingers over them, pushing them against their natural grain and feel him visibly tremble against me.
‘How is it that the hair here is longer than what you have on your head?’ I reach a hand overhead behind me and rub from the base of his neck to his forehead and back again. I turn to face him. ‘Look,
even your facial hair is longer.’ I cup his chin, my thumb stroking his cheek.
‘It’s easier to look after,’ he says. ‘Two minutes in the shower, and boom, I’m done.’
‘Well, that’s a lie. What about your eyebrows?’ I smooth them, although they’re perfect. ‘It must take longer than two minutes for you to get these so immaculate.’
‘Very funny.’ He kisses my crown.
The fire snaps and crackles, its smoke twisting to meet the sea mist. I lean back against his chest and stare into the fire. He takes a strand of my hair, wrapping the curl around his finger.
‘I swear I’m a closet pyromaniac,’ I say.
‘I love fire. When we were little, Mum would rug us up, pack a basket of potatoes wrapped in foil and meet Dad on the back beach where he’d have been fishing for the last few hours.
The boys and I would trudge up and down the dunes, dragging driftwood for a fire, Mum commandeering the pieces she liked the shape of to take home, before stacking the timber into a teepee and lighting the bottom pieces.
Matty and Tommy, always helpful, would move around the tiny flames, panting and puffing enthusiastically to help them along, blowing them out in their excitement. ’ I laugh at the memory.
‘Not you?’ asks Paul.
‘I had braces for years. Half of what I’d have blown would have been saliva.’
‘Sexy.’
‘I know, right?’
‘You have no idea.’ His breath warms my neck.
‘Weird.’ I say. ‘We haven’t had one yet.’
‘One what?’
‘A fire.’
‘This isn’t a fire?’
‘No, I mean my family. Although I’m not complaining. They almost always end in a fight or a vomit. Sometimes both.’
‘What?’
‘Mum would remember to wrap potatoes in foil, get butter, even salt and freakin’ pepper, but she’d always forget a knife, so Dad’d have to use his manky old fishing knife.’
‘Fish guts and baked potato. Nice.’
The ocean continues its endless thump against the shore, the wood shifts and protests in vivid sparks, my vision dotted, Paul’s breathing soft. He runs his fingers up and down my arms.
‘Look up, Cat.’ The sea mist has moved behind us into shore and the stars look so close I could touch them. They’re almost unrealistic, like they’re painted on, obscene in their multitude.
‘Perfection,’ I say.
‘Again, you have no idea.’
Later, we kick sand over the fire, extinguishing every hint of it.
‘You’re okay with the dark?’ Paul’s arm is around my shoulder, pulling me into his warmth.
‘Aren’t you here to protect me from any scary boogiemen on the beach?’
‘Why, yes, I am.’
‘Anyway, this is my secret superpower, so it’s more like I’ll protect you. You know how I said Mum always forgets to bring a knife? She also forgets a torch. I have the best night vision, so it’s always my job to lead the way through the dunes. Still, I love it so much. I know it’s silly.’
‘Why silly?’
‘Well, by rights, at my age I should resent spending time with my family.’
‘Your family is pretty cool.’
‘Yeah, they are, really. We’ll have to do it again this summer, just one last time.’
‘Why one last time?’
‘This time next year, I’ll be in the city, starting uni, and all that.’
‘It’s not a once you’re out, you’re out, Cat. It’s ninety minutes away.’
‘Once I’m out, I’m definitely out.’
Paul stops and his arm drops from my shoulder.
‘That’s a bit full on, isn’t it? I know you have big plans, and that’s awesome, but it’s not all or nothing. You don’t have to turn your back on your whole life here, yeah? What about your family? What about me? You’re never going to come home again?’
‘Let’s just go.’ I walk ahead, the sand shifting beneath my feet.
‘Seriously? You’re just going to walk away?’
‘Why are we even arguing about this? None of this is new to you.’
He walks to catch up. ‘Cat, we’re not arguing. I’m just wondering where I fit into this future vision of your life.’
‘Well, I don’t know, really, do you? I mean, do you want to? Like when the summer’s over and I go back to school?’
‘Are you kidding me, Cat? For a smart girl you’re pretty freakin’ oblivious sometimes.
You know how I feel about you.’ He shakes his head, then grabs both of my hands and pulls me so we’re chest to chest. ‘I’m not playing around here.
I don’t want to say it but being with you is like having my skin stripped from my body.
It’s like you can see all the way through me, and it scares the crap out of me, but man, all I want is to be with you.
Not just now, not just this summer. We’ve been over this.
This isn’t just summer holiday shit here between us, Cat.
You know what I’m saying? I told you I love you and I freakin’ mean it. ’
‘I didn’t plan for this, you and me. I’d planned nothing other than setting up my future, that and avoiding Nonna. You know what this year means to me, getting the marks I need, getting out of this place, it’s everything.’
‘I know that, Cat, and you’re going to smash it. You’re gonna get whatever you want. But you don’t even know what that is yet, which is how it should be. No one knows what the fuck they want half the time, especially at your age.’
‘I know exactly what I want,’ I say, shaking him off. I walk down the beach, feet sinking in the sand.
‘Do you even want to be a doctor? Or a lawyer?’
‘What are you talking about?’ I say over my shoulder.
‘Stop, Cat.’ He tugs my wrist. ‘We’re talking here, don’t walk away.’
‘Fine.’ I sit on the sand.
‘What’s with that don’t waste the marks stuff? You said that to your aunty.’ He sits beside me; his mass is nothing but gentle patience.
‘What do you mean?’
‘You’ll do well, that’s obvious, but how can you waste marks you don’t even have yet? Don’t you think you should do something you like, not something just because your score says you can?’
‘That’s missing the point,’ I shrug. ‘I have to get good grades to get good options. Just because you were happy to settle for being a tradie doesn’t mean I’d be okay with whatever happens, happens.’
‘I didn’t have a freakin’ choice, Cat. My brother died. You think I could fuck off to the city and leave my parents?’
My mouth goes dry as what he’s said sinks into my thick head.
‘I didn’t mean settle. You’re an amazing builder, Dad loves working with you.’ I wince at my condescension. ‘I’m sorry, Paul.’
‘Of course I wanted to go. I wanted to leave long before my brother and all that shit, so I get it. I know this place is too small for you, Cat. I fucking get it. I’ll back you with whatever you go for. Whatever you need, I’ve got you.’
‘That’s easy now; it’s summer. What about when school goes back?
I’ll be studying for five hours every night.
Five hours, Paul.’ It’s the first time I’ve even thought about the logistics of what Year Twelve will look like.
I don’t even get home from school until after four.
If I start homework at five, stop for whatever Mum or Dad burns for dinner, I’ll be still going at ten o’clock at night.
And I’ll be studying all weekend, too. ‘When do you think we’ll ever see each other? ’
‘Babe, I do have a job. You know that, don’t you?
’ Paul says. ‘Once I finish up with Mick and work goes back, I know we won’t see as much of each other as we have been, but I’ll take whatever I can get.
’ He lifts my chin and leans down to kiss me.
It’s light and soft, nothing like how we kissed by the fire but with no less intensity.
‘I’m not an idiot, Cat. I know this can’t last forever.
Once you hit uni, you’ll have a new life and friends and all that.
But can we worry about that when we get there?
Until then, let’s just go for it. I’ve never felt like this about anyone.
Let’s take it as far as we can for as long as we can. What do you think? You in?’
I rise to my feet, shaking more than a little, my throat thick. It’s going to hurt like hell walking away from this, from him.
‘I’m in.’