Chapter 41
Forty-One
JESSE
D arren said good night to me with a friendly slap on the shoulder before he walked off, hand in hand with Vivienne. When Clara left, she seemed very in her own head, and I figured it would probably be best to leave her for a while. Let her clear her head in the pool before I checked on her.
I tried to pass the time by lying on the bed, reading the book that had started as Rachel’s but ended up Clara’s.
I read three pages before I got up and wandered over to the window to see what Clara’s form looked like. When she got tired, her left arm started lagging slightly. Not enough to completely throw her off, but enough that she took it as a sign to start warming down. Or she ran the risk of almost smashing her face into the wall. I didn’t think she was going to chance it the night before the wedding.
As I looked out the window, my breath caught.
Clara was still in the pool, but she wasn’t swimming.
She was pressed against the edge of the pool. By Drew.
I couldn’t say, for obvious reasons, that I had never seen Drew and Clara wrapped around one another. It wasn’t that common an occurrence, but I had seen it. And it had always felt like a jab to the gut, but the feeling passed quickly because she wasn’t mine.
But this?
This was a knife slipped through the ribs and pulled out to leave me bleeding out on the floor.
This was the woman I loved with somebody who loved her too.
With somebody she once loved. Maybe she still did.
It didn’t seem possible given the way he had behaved, but I also knew she had loved him for a decade, and that didn’t turn itself off overnight. It might have just dimmed, and now that she had got me out of her system, she could go back knowing the grass isn’t greener away from him.
Leaving me behind.
Leaving me as second best once again.
It hadn’t hurt this much last time. It was for the best last time.
This didn’t feel like it was.
I backed away from the window and took in the room we were staying in. My T-shirt was on top of the pile of the rest of her clothes by her suitcase. Our sunglasses were thrown on the armchair side by side. Our wedding outfits hung next to each other over one of the wardrobe doors.
We’d become so intertwined over the last week, but I was here, and she was downstairs. With him.
Rationally, I should have waited for her to come back to the room. We could talk about this, whatever this was.
But I knew I wouldn’t be able to have any kind of conversation with her rationally. I was too caught up with the past when I had to acknowledge that I wasn’t what my partner needed. The wound felt too raw. I wasn’t ready to face it. To face her.
I could do it. Just not now. Not tonight.
So, I left.
* * *
The indoor gym seemed like the best place to go if I wanted to avoid people close to Clara in one way or another.
As I approached, I realised that even that wouldn’t be safe.
The steady thumping of feet against a treadmill got louder the closer I got. When I walked in, Rachel was the one running, hair tied up and swishing side to side in time with her movements. The flush of her face and arms suggested she had been at it for a while.
“This hiding place is already taken,” she said, not breaking her stride. She looked like she was running quickly, but her voice and breathing were still steady.
“I won’t bother you. I just can’t be in my room right now.”
Rachel jumped on either side of the treadmill and turned down the speed. “Why can’t you be in there?”
“Why are you hiding?” I countered as I climbed onto the bike next to her treadmill. I didn’t pedal.
Rachel was now moving at a steady walking pace. “I don’t like the night before weddings, and thankfully, no one expects me to pretend that I do. Your turn.”
I had way more questions about that, but Rachel made it clear she had no interest in elaborating further.
“I just saw Clara and Drew in the pool,” I said, the words bitter on my tongue.
“Excuse me?” Rachel said, her eyebrows drawn together, eyes narrowed.
“You heard me,” I said.
“Yeah, I did. But that doesn’t mean that what you said makes any sense.”
“I’m just telling you what I saw,” I said, as I pulled my phone out.
“If you’re looking up flights to get out of here tonight, don’t bother. I’ll bind your every limb to that bike.”
I locked my phone.
“How would you even go about that?” I asked. Rachel laughed.
“I noticed that you didn’t want to find out.”
“I’m feeling pathetic enough that it would probably be quite easy.” I slumped over the handlebars. If Rachel did plan to attach me to this bike, I just made it a lot easier for her. “Why am I here?” I asked, sounding dejected.
Rachel frowned. “You were invited?”
I sat up. “But I wasn’t, though. The invites went out last May, and I didn’t get one.”
“You remember when Becky sent out her wedding invites?”
I shrugged. “Clo mentioned it a few times.”
“And you remember it fifteen months later? I’m one of the Maids of Honour, and not even I remembered that. That’s why you’re here, by the way. Because Clo mentions when some invites are going out, and you don’t forget it. And you know on sight that a pair of black denim shorts piss her off, even though we both know she owns multiple pairs of black shorts. Becky was going to invite you, but she chose her peace because she knew it would piss Drew off if you were here. But that ceased to be her problem when they broke up. And thank fuck you are here because there is no one else who could have taken her away from that man but you.”
“She seemed pretty happy to be around that man just now,” I muttered.
“There’s an explanation behind that, I know it…” She trailed off and looked at me curiously. “You’ve just gone AWOL, haven’t you?” she asked. I nodded slowly, and she rolled her eyes. “I’m telling her you’re here.”
“I doubt she’d care,” I said as Rachel typed something on her phone.
“Shut up. She’d care that you disappeared with no warning. I am telling you there is an explanation for whatever it was that you saw.”
“The explanation is: I am no one’s first choice, and that’s just the way it is.” Tears pressed at the back of my eyes. I blinked quickly to try and stop them from falling.
Rachel came to a stop and got off the treadmill, coming to stand in front of my bike.
“She loves you, you know. I don’t know if she knows it, though. Or maybe she’s not admitting it to herself because it’s too soon or something. I can’t say for sure, but I do know she loves you. And I am not going to ask you because I should not be the person you say it out loud to first, but I know you love her too. That means something. Don’t throw it away over something that probably has the simplest of explanations. You both deserve more than that.”
“I don’t think I have that in me tonight.”
“And that’s fine. But tell her that. She’s mostly a reasonable person.”
“Mostly?”
“Ask me about my wedding one day,” she said, her eyes sad. She carried on talking before I could even think of a response to that. “And talk to her. Send her a text. Or a pigeon. Just give her something so she doesn’t spiral into a panic attack tonight.”
“I’ll text her.”
“Great. I’m going to have a shower.”
Rachel grabbed the towel draped over the treadmill and threw it over her shoulder.
“Rach?” I said as she went to leave, she turned around. “Are you okay?”
“No, but I will be. I’m going to take Clo’s dress and jewellery from your room. She’ll stay with one of us so you can both have some distance and figure your shit out.” She left the room. “Text her!” she called out from the hallway.
I pulled my phone out and brought up my text thread with Clara. The last thing we talked about was whether we would kick off if we found out one of our friends was dating one of our siblings. My brothers would be lucky to date one of the girls, and honestly, Isaac could also do worse than my male friends.
Can we talk tomorrow?
The reply came instantly.
Tonight is out of the question?
I’m not thinking rationally enough to not say something I might regret in the cold light of day
Okay, tomorrow
Rachel said she was going to punch ‘that piece of shit’ so I am guessing that you saw us in the pool
Nothing happened
I need you to know that. I’m with Becky, have been for ages
Actually, is Rachel still with you? Or do we need to check that she hasn’t gone and done that
I smiled despite myself.
She just left. Said she was going to get your dress from the room, I guess she is going straight to you guys but she could detour
Do you want her to detour?
Yes. No. Probably not.
Would she risk the wrath of Becky by giving one of the wedding party a black eye?
Becky doesn’t scare Rachel
And she can throw a clean punch
I am going to have to see if I can intercept her somewhere
I smiled again.
I’ll leave you alone for the rest of the night
It was what I wanted, needed, but the idea of being alone made me feel sad when I thought about what tonight could have been.
I’m sorry
You’re not second best
* * *
I carried that sentiment with me, a pleasant warm one, as I went back to our room.
To think I could get some distance from Clara when I was going back to a room that was full of her was laughable.
The pool was still visible from the window, forcing me to replay the very thing that drove me away. Clara’s stuff was still everywhere, but Rachel had been around to pick up the dress, so now my suit hung alone. I tried to escape her presence in the bedroom by going into the bathroom, but that was worse. I could see her in the shower. I could smell the grapefruit of her shower gel and the coconut of her conditioner. Her entire skincare routine was still sprawled across the counter by the sink. Our toothbrushes were standing side by side.
I didn’t even contemplate getting into the bed without her.
I was right, I needed to sleep on it. We needed to talk and doing that was probably better when we weren’t both running high on emotions.
But that didn’t stop me from wanting to text her to tell her to come back to me.
I reread her last message to me.
You’re not second best.