Chapter 34
Chapter Thirty-Four
Henry
A ndy didn’t speak to me after we disembarked the boat that night, and Jace became the middle man, doing what he could to bridge the gap that had come between us. While I admired his efforts, the same couldn’t be said for Andy and me.
Andy had washed his hands of me, getting Jace to tell me the vacation had finished for him the moment I’d looked like I was ready to put him on his arse to defend Phoebe’s honour.
Me? I had no energy for anything other than her.
Once we’d stepped off the boat, after spending the rest of it hidden away in one of the hulls, Phoebe and I had kissed goodbye, and then I’d sent her on her way to speak to Bailey and Rhea about everything.
Just because my relationship with my friends had gone to shit didn’t mean the same had to happen for her.
Those girls meant the world to her, and she needed to protect that.
To nurture it. To make sure she had honest, open, and frank conversations after everything we’d done to deceive the four of them.
I’d made my way back to my apartment and locked myself away, doing nothing more than throwing myself on the bed, putting my hands behind my head, and staring up at the ceiling, wondering what the fuck my mum and dad would have made of all this.
My father James would have no doubt given me a congratulatory clap on the back, telling me how proud he was of me for bagging a “worldie” like Phoebe Turner.
Someone most men would give their left testicle to spend the night with.
We’d been best friends, my father and I, and he’d loved nothing more than sitting down by my side to ask about my day.
I’d often tell him the playground gossip, discuss the drama of friendship groups, ask his advice, and he’d always given me that look and smile that told me I had it all figured out already, even if I hadn’t realised it yet.
He’d made me feel in control of my own destiny, even from a young age.
I missed having him in my corner, having him ground me.
But Mum? She’d have been the softly spoken voice in my ear, the arms around my shoulders, and the forehead against the side of my head.
I imagined her holding me now, talking me through everything, and the quiet annoyance she’d hold for Andy and his behaviour.
I imagined her in front of me with that soft, cheeky look in her eyes.
“She seems nice, this Phoebe.”
“Don’t start, Mum.” I rolled my eyes. “It’s only a fling.”
“Is it? Hmm. Then, why is she all you can think about? Why do you feel more alive than ever before when you’re with her? And don’t tell me you don’t, because I see right through you. Always have.”
“I don’t know.” I sighed. “Because it’s illicit?”
“Or because it’s real?”
“Jesus, Mum. Always so cheesy.”
“Don’t be cheeky.” She pushed her thick hair away from her face. “Us mothers know things about our sons you can’t even begin to comprehend yet, Henry. Like when they feel happy and free to be themselves. Especially when they don’t .” She raised her brows.
“You telling me you like Phoebe?”
“I think she’s good for you.”
“I’ve known her less than two weeks.”
“So what? She makes you feel alive. Isn’t that enough?”
I stared at her, wishing she could give me all the answers I’d so often told her I didn’t need.
“I don’t know what’s enough and what isn’t anymore,” I admitted, feeling like the young boy who’d lost his parents all over again instead of the colder man I’d somehow trained myself to become. “Loving anyone means losing them eventually. Isn’t it best to just ? —”
“Oh, stop, Henry. Stop.” My mother’s lightness morphed into an annoyance I’d always hated to see staring back at me. “I raised you better than this.”
“You were the best.” Are the best , I wanted to say.
“And now you have Nina.” Her smile reached her eyes, but the sadness still shone from her.
“Nina loves you like she loves Andy, so stop pretending you don’t matter to your new family.
Stop pretending you don’t matter just because we’re not there anymore.
Remember your own worth, because watching this put-together version of my son is torturing me. ”
I pushed up onto my elbows on the bed, taking her in with my brows creased. “Are you disappointed in me?”
She shook her head. “I’m frustrated with you. So, we’re gone. Okay. That’s hard. I miss you every day, too. But you’re still there, and so is she. So is everyone around you who loves you, even Andy.”
“Andy is…”
“Nina’s boy, and you’re hers too now. Right now, that’s who you need. Nina.” Mum reached out to cradle my cheek. “Call her. Call your new mum.”
“There’ll never be another you.”
“There doesn’t have to be. There just has to be an alternative.”
As quickly as it had arrived, the daydream left, and I tried like hell to pull enough oxygen into my body, but when my hand moved across the bedsheet, it brushed against my phone, drawing my attention to it.
Within one breath and the next, I’d hit Nina’s name and pressed the phone to my ear.
“Henry?” she answered as though panicked, because I never phoned Nina. Not without Andy present. Not without warning.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay? Is Andy?”
“Hey.” I cleared my throat. “Yeah. We’re fine. He’s fine. I’m… fine.”
“Okay.” I could hear the confusion in her voice.
Nina had tried to love me like her own over the years, and even though I’d always been so grateful for her home, for her respect, for her concern and her attention, I’d also never wanted her to feel as though she had to give it all to me.
“It’s good to hear your voice. Are you boys having a good time? ”
We’d always be boys to her. Never men.
I ran my hand over my eyes, almost wishing I hadn’t called. “I’ve messed up, Nina.”
Her pause lingered for only a moment before she said, “What do you need me to do?”
It was that simple for her. No question of how or why I’d made the mistakes I’d made. No question of who I was as a person, only her concern for me and what she could do to help, like always.
“Nothing,” I answered too quickly, then sighed. “Actually. I don’t know… listen to me talk this out? Would that be okay?”
“It would be an honour, Henry. Talk to me.”
“Andy’s mad.”
She huffed out a small laugh. “Tell me something I don’t know. He’s always mad, that entitled boy of mine.”
“No, I mean he’s mad at me this time.”
She paused again. “Because of Lillie? Still?”
“Always,” I breathed out before I let myself fall back onto my bed to stare up at the ceiling again. “But I haven’t helped things on this holiday.”
“You’ve met someone out there,” she said, and I could have sworn I heard a smile in her voice.
“Yeah.” I swallowed down more shame. Shame I didn’t really feel, because how the fuck could I regret Phoebe now?
Tomorrow? Ever? Even the thought of her body beneath mine, the smile she wore as she looked up at me, that fucking coconut lotion she poured all over herself…
it all had my heart beating in a fashion it had never done before meeting her. “I’ve met someone.”
Nina’s sigh came heavily down the phone. “Finally! Henry, I’m so happy for you.”
Happy?
What the hell did that mean?
How could she be happy when I’d broken her only daughter’s heart?
“You like her, huh?” she went on when I said nothing. “Wait. Don’t answer that unless you really want to. I know how private you like to keep everything. I never want you to feel like you have to tell me?—”
“I like her, yeah. Probably too much.”
“Wonderful.” There was that grin I could hear in her voice again. “And now Andy is making it difficult?”
“Pretty sure he hates me at this point.”
“He could never. He’s only trying to do what he thinks a brother should do, don’t you see?”
I could see it, but I felt it, too. Deep down, I didn’t believe Andy wanted me to be unhappy. He just couldn’t bear to be right when he’d warned me over and over again about going down that road with his sister, knowing I could break her heart in the end.
“You know I never meant to hurt Lillie, don’t you? I tried. I tried to make her happy, but?—”
“You didn’t love her.” I imagined Nina shrugging the way she always did when people around her made problems out of things that were never really problems to begin with.
“I love my daughter more than anything, Henry. Always have, always will. But we warned her not to push you into something you felt duty bound to fulfil, and she did. Deep down, she knew.”
“Knew?” I frowned.
“That you loved her too platonically to be anything more than family to her.”
Memories of everything we’d been through together since losing my mum and dad flashed through my mind. All the things I’d tried to forget. All the moments I’d pushed down, desperate not to feel like a burden to the Hyde family, even though I couldn’t help myself.
“Henry,” she said, pulling me back to the conversation. “Can I ask you something? Have James or I ever made you feel like you owe us anything for taking you in after losing your parents?”
“Nina…”
“You don’t have to hide your true feelings for me.
I— we —meant what we said the day you came to us.
You’re ours now. Ours to nurture, to love, to protect.
To mess up and get things wrong with, just like with our other two kids.
” Her huff of laughter made the corners of my mouth twitch.
“Be honest with me. Have we been a burden to you all these years?”
“Jesus, Nina, no.” A lump formed in my throat at the thought of her thinking I felt that way. “No,” I said quietly. “You’ve been such a gift to me. You, James, Andy, Lillie… It’s me who let you down.”
“Says who?”
“We both know the answer to that.”
“Hmm. Well, my son is a stubborn, spoilt, handsome little devil, and while I love him and will fight for him every day of my life, I’m also not na?ve enough to ignore his faults.
He fights fights that don’t need fighting.
He doesn’t know the meaning of struggle, and he thinks anyone who deviates from what is right in his mind is to be cursed for eternity.
Forgive my language, Henry, but he can be a complete arsehole sometimes.
A trait I’m sure he must have got from his father, surely not me.
Or maybe his grandfather. He could be a real prat when he wanted to be. ”
I laughed softly again, barely a sound, barely a movement, but her voice and her words made the world feel lighter all the same.
She sighed once more. “I love my Andrew, but he is not your moral compass. Your heart is your moral compass, son.”
Son.
Son.
Fucking son.
That one word had that lump in my throat forming into a snowball I couldn’t melt, until a sheen of unwelcomed tears coated my eyes, and I had to cough them back down.
No one had called me that in so many years, I’d almost forgotten what it sounded like.
Tears? What the fuck was happening to me? I hadn’t produced them in over a decade.
“Your silence displays your awkwardness in neon lights, you know that, right?” She laughed lightly. “So, let’s change the subject.”
This woman may not have been my mother, but I sure had landed on my feet when it came to having someone like her there to guide me through life.
“This girl…” Nina said. “Tell me about her.”
It was the least I owed her, so I did, without any further prompting or persuasion.
I told her about the first time Phoebe had been staring at her phone before she’d smacked straight into me, and the sass that fell from her tongue so easily.
I told Nina about the looks we’d given each other across the swimming pool, the volleyball court, and the way that, for reasons I couldn’t understand, this blonde woman with the tiny frame and the huge personality had stumbled her way into my chaotic life only to tell me about the chaos of her own.
Every time Nina asked me a question about her, I didn’t hesitate to answer, as though I’d known Phoebe Turner my whole life and could write a thesis about her every personality trait, when in reality, it hadn’t even been two weeks.
And when the story came to a close on the catamaran, and I told my non-biological mum about Andy catching us together and being disappointed with me, I let the silence linger between us.
“Are you there?” I asked, glancing at my phone screen when it had been quiet for far too long, before I pressed the phone back to my ear again. “Nina?”
“I’m here,” she said. “But I’m still waiting for the part where you say you messed up?”
“Well, Andy hates me now because of all my secrets and lies.”
“But you’ve been happy out there with Phoebe?”
Fuck, yes , I wanted to answer. She’s restarted my heart, imbedded herself in my bloodstream, dominated my every waking thought . “She’s incredible,” I said instead.
“Then, screw Andy.”
My eyes widened, and I stared up at the ceiling again, imagining my mum’s face there staring down at me, smugger than ever, with a big “I told you so” written in her gaze.
“Let me deal with him,” Nina added. “You’ve got how long left of your holiday?”
“Two days.”
“Then, get off the phone and go find your girl.”
“Nina, I?—”
“I love you,” she cut in, emotion thick in her voice.
“I love you. James loves you. Despite what you think, Andy and Lillie love you. You’re our family, and you have been for so many years now.
I need you to start believing that. I need you to stop punishing yourself for everything out of your control.
Can you do that for me, Henry? Can you?”
There were so many responses I wanted to give her. So much I wanted to say.
I’d never spoken to her this way before, and I wondered why the hell I’d waited so long.
Why I’d cut myself off from allowing myself to feel since the moment I’d heard the words: Neither one of them survived.
Because I suddenly felt more awake than ever before, and I never wanted to go into hibernation again.
And there was only one person on this planet to thank for that.
The woman currently on this same island, potentially only a few doors away, wondering how our story was going to end, too.