Chapter Twenty The Way We Were
May 2022
“Hello, Ms. Jones. Dr. LaGrange is ready to see you.”
Olivia walked into her therapist’s office, much calmer than she’d been the previous time.
“Hi, Olivia. Take a seat, please.” Dr. LaGrange waved to the couch in front of her desk.
The therapist read something on her notepad. “According to your appointment notes, you want to focus on your relationship with Garrett today.”
“I messed up the last time I was here...”
“The conversation with your father that Zora overheard,” Dr. LaGrange confirmed, referencing the online meeting Olivia had with her a few days after her argument with CJ.
“I’m not sure what to do to convince him of how sorry I am. I’ve called, texted, I... I have this letter I’ve written him. I also plan to tell him I love him.”
“Oh.”
“You don’t think I love him? Because I most definitely do.”
“I believe you. But it doesn’t matter what I believe. It’s what Garrett believes.”
“I can’t convince him if he doesn’t answer my calls.”
“You’re right.” Her doctor nodded. “Olivia, do you believe Garrett loves you?”
“I do.” Olivia nodded with confidence. “Not only has he told me, but I see it in the way he looks at me. Sometimes he stares at me like I’m this fairy tale come to life. And he’s always encouraging me, he knows just the right words to calm me down. He takes time for me, which is a true gift since he’s a single father. Buys me thoughtful gifts. He’s also a... a very passionate man.”
“He’s shown you through words, which is what you need. You like letters and you like words of affirmation. Gifts, touch, and time. Have you done the same for him?”
Olivia thought back to her gifts for not only Garrett but his daughter. She, too, had given her time and was flexible if they needed to stay in when he couldn’t find a sitter for Zora. She’d given him everything but the words.
She would give him that today.
“Yes. I’ve given him gifts, intimacy. I haven’t given him the words just yet. And my time has been limited lately, because of my family. That’s made it hard for me to call or see him. I... oh.”
“Now you’re saying, ‘Oh.’ What are you thinking?” Dr. LaGrange leaned forward, a glint of excitement in her eyes.
“The issue is my time. I’ve been inconsistent. What Garrett needs, and what Zora needs, is someone steady. Someone who won’t walk away. And... and I fear between what he saw with Anderson, and my running away from Highland Beach, and now walking away from him when we argued, I think he may not trust me or trust my feelings.”
Dr. LaGrange leaned back with a smile. “I think you may be on to something, Olivia Jones. Now... that’s not to say that Garrett is totally blameless. He needs to be open to communication.”
“H-how do I show him that I’m steady?”
“Steady takes time and also takes effort. Think about what he will need to feel secure.”
“I... can back away from the relationship and be a good neighbor and be a good friend. I can focus on my relationship with Zora if he allows it. And if he truly loves me, I think time could help him heal. I do want to give him my letter.”
“Then you should give it to him. You’re also taking action, which is something else he needs to see.”
“But is that enough?” Olivia muttered to herself. She felt like she should do something grand, like in the movies. Perhaps hire a skywriter or a band to sing a romantic song.
“You’re putting your heart on the line, and that is enough. That isn’t something you would’ve done a year ago. And if he can’t see that, then he’s the one who’s missing out on someone amazing.”
“Dr. LaGrange, did you just compliment me?”
She smirked. “You were due for one. You are so hard on yourself. I just want you to know you’ve come so far. Don’t let this make you doubt how wonderful you are.” She looked down at her watch. “I think we’ll end it here. Do you feel confident about your next steps?”
“I do. Wish me good luck.”
“Good luck. Call if you need me.”
Olivia sailed out of the office with a smile on her face and drove home. She parked in front of her house, but then walked to Garrett’s front door and knocked.
“You’re here.” Garrett opened the door. He didn’t step aside to let her in or embrace her in a hug. He didn’t give her that “light of my life” smile.
Oh no.
Olivia wound the strap of the Prada tote around her fingers and gave him a tremulous smile. “I told you I planned to visit on the voicemail I left you.”
Garrett shook his head, staring at Olivia as if she were an apparition. “Sorry. I haven’t checked my messages.”
“You haven’t checked your voicemail, or am I just the lucky one?” Olivia crossed her arms.
“Olivia.” Garrett’s voice was rigid and rough and frustrated.
She’d never heard that tone in the year that she’d known him.
“Are we ever going to speak about what happened?”
He stepped back and waved her to come inside.
“Thank you,” she whispered before stepping in.
Olivia sat down, her hand now tucked into her purse. The love letter she’d penned was scorching the tips of her fingers.
Garrett didn’t move to hold her, not even to touch her. He avoided full-on staring, as if she could burn holes in his eyes. After waiting for Olivia to settle, he sat on the opposite side of the room, silently making his position clear.
“Listen, I’m sorry for ignoring your calls. That was immature of me, and I apologize.”
His apology stopped her racing heart.
“I appreciate that. But I’d like to apologize, too. I should have handled your feelings about marriage with more care. And I can admit that I shouldn’t have taken that call from my father while I was half naked in your bedroom. That set a terrible example for Zora. I wasn’t... I haven’t been my best self, but being with you and Zora encourages me to be a better person.”
She rubbed the envelope, silently seeking comfort. Silently seeking strength.
“The entire time we’ve been together, you’ve wanted more,” Olivia began. “And I didn’t give that to you. I was inconsistent with my availability and unclear about my feelings. I realize that now, and I apologize for not showing you how I truly feel.”
“I...” He paused, as if weighing his words. “Yes. That would’ve been nice.”
“I agree, and the only thing I can say is that I wanted to be sure. I didn’t want to rush into anything again and hurt someone. I think you can understand my hesitation. But if the offer still stands, then I’d very much like to work toward—”
“I don’t know how to say this,” Garrett interrupted, “but I think we should stop... whatever we’re doing.”
Her heartbeat resumed its galloping speed. “You mean dating?”
“Is that what people call it?” Garrett chuckled.
Olivia didn’t like his laughter. The unease that settled in the pit of her stomach morphed into irritation, then fire. “Yes.” She narrowed her eyes. “Dating is when people spend time together, go out, do romantic things with each other. Have we not done all the above?”
“Yes.” He nodded. “We spent some time together.”
“We did much more than spend time together,” Olivia whispered harshly. She hadn’t meant to whisper, but she found it hard to force the words out of her mouth. “Is it... is there someone else?”
Garrett sighed. “No... not exactly.” His voice trailed off.
“Oh my goodness. You really are dating someone else.” Olivia shook her head. Thank God she hadn’t given the letter to Garrett. That would have been entirely too embarrassing.
“I’m not dating anyone else, Olivia. But I... I think I’ll start doing that now. I don’t want to be dishonest with you.”
Heat spread from the top of her head down to her toes. Her eyes throbbed and pulsed with pain, just like her heart.
He stood, pacing the floor, and proceeded to check off a very long list of reasons they wouldn’t work out. He didn’t realize her heart was crumbling.
“You’re still sorting through your family issues in Highland Beach and starting up a new business with Whitney. You don’t have enough space for—”
“That’s just not true.” Olivia cut him off. Her voice was tragic.
“It’s not just me I have to protect,” he rolled over her protest. “It’s Zora’s heart, too.”
“You know that I’ll always be here for Zora.”
“But I don’t think that is what’s best for my daughter. It’ll be too confusing for her if you stick around.”
“Zora is a smart and capable little girl. Over time she’ll understand if we’re... just friends.”
“She’s only six, and everything is literal to her. Trust me when I say she won’t understand.”
“Garrett. I—”
“She views you as a mother figure. And lately she’s already asking when you are coming to live with us.”
Olivia’sheart stopped crumbling, stopped fracturing, and exploded into a million little pieces. “I’m your neighbor, Garrett. What do you expect me to do when she says hello? I can’t ignore her. I won’t.”
Zora was the daughter of her heart, and she would never willingly hurt or confuse her goddaughter.
“We’ll play it by ear. For now, things should be fine, since you aren’t here.”
“I’m coming back home. For good.”
“Then we’ll make another game plan if you return.”
“When I return. Do you expect me to live with my mother and father for the rest of my life?”
“I don’t know. But what I know is that I’ve wasted too much time trying to figure you out.”
“You aren’t being fair, Garrett. I know what I want, and it’s you and Zora.” She had finally confessed her feelings. “I don’t know what happened between now and the last time we spoke, but this reaction seems extreme. This isn’t you.”
Arms crossed, he sagged back into his overstuffed sofa. “I ran into Anderson.”
“What?” Olivia perched on the edge of the chair. “When? Where?”
“He came by your place.”
“But why—?”
“He wanted to see you, Olivia. It’s clear he still loves you.”
Olivia cleared her throat. “I don’t think he loves me, for what it’s worth. I was his safety net. You two didn’t get into an argument, did you?”
“No. It was all civil. He even gave me advice and warned me to not allow you to drift away. That you were still trying to untangle the mess your mom and Omar had made. He said that you’d rather retreat so that no one could hurt you.”
Not allow me to drift away?
She wasn’t some fragile little flower who couldn’t handle her emotions.
Not anymore.
“Look. The person I was last summer is not who I am today. And yes, I’m still figuring myself out, but I’m not going through an identity crisis. I have an amazing financial portfolio, and for the first time in years I’m doing mission-driven work. And now I want to take time to get to know my biological father.”
Olivia stood, clasping her hands behind her back, pulling her shoulders together. “There are things I know I want. And Garrett, baby, I want you.”
Garrett didn’t look particularly moved by her impassioned speech. He looked contemplative. As if he were carefully weighing the pros and cons of building a life together.
He dropped his head, staring at the floor. “Olivia, you don’t know what you want. You can’t even pick out a show to watch.”
Garrett’s sharp words pierced the cloud of fog that danced around her head.
Olivia’s head snapped back as if she’d been slapped. “You’ve thought this through.”
“Yes, and for what it’s worth, I’m sorry, Olivia. I really care about you.”
Olivia laughed without humor. Here she was confessing her love, and now he only cared about her. Not only had the tables turned—they’d flipped and crashed. “I’m sure you think you do.”
“Olivia...”
She reached into her purse and crumpled the letter in her fist. “Let’s just leave it at that, Garrett.” She waved with her other hand. “I don’t want to say anything cruel. Goodbye.” She stood from the couch.
“I’ll tell Zora...,” Garrett began, but Olivia shook her head.
“When I return, please allow me to say a proper goodbye to Zora. I don’t want her to feel abandoned.”
“Of course. I wouldn’t want her to feel that way. And maybe after some time and space, you can spend some time together.”
She could hear the lie in his voice. After all, he didn’t think she was good enough to be alone with his daughter.
The anger of the moment faded. Tears stung her eyes. “Goodbye, Garrett.”
After the breakup, Olivia sent an SOS to her neighbors, who rushed to her home instead of waiting to meet up at the American Hotel for brunch.
“Wait a minute.” Addy swirled the wine in her glass. “You’re telling me that Garrett dumped you? Sweet, caring Garrett?”
Kara leaned over to smack her friend’s knee. “Addy, please show some tact.”
Olivia massaged her temples. “Yes. If it makes any difference, he wasn’t rude when he broke things off. He was positively civil.”
Whitney snorted. “I don’t care how gentle he is... he made the wrong decision. It’s clear you care about him. And listening to Anderson? That fool?” She snorted. “I wish I would’ve known he was in the neighborhood.” Whitney was still angry at ASK, the real estate developers who tried to take over the neighborhood with their monstrous mansions.
Olivia shrugged. “Anderson is in my past, and Garrett knows it. I think he wanted to end the relationship, and this was his supposed nail in the coffin, so to speak. He says that I don’t know what I want.”
“What about that letter you told me about?” Addy chirped.
“It’s in the trash bin.”
“What? Why?” Addy stood.
“No, stop. It’s trash, remember?” Kara tugged her hand, pulling Addy back down to the couch. She leaned over to whisper something in her best friend’s ear. Addy rolled her eyes.
“More wine?” Whitney didn’t wait for an answer and poured Olivia’s portion to the rim.
“I’ll be fine. It’s not like I haven’t experienced this before,” Olivia reminded them, pushing through her lie.
“Experienced what exactly?” Whitney probed.
“Failure.”
Heartbreak.
That was the word. But she had her girls staring at her, as if waiting for her to crumble. She wouldn’t. Not yet. When they left and she turned off the lights, she’d allow the tears to fall.
It wasn’t as if she were afraid of her feelings, or even of emoting in front of her friends. Dr. LaGrange had helped her process what had happened with Garrett, but she knew she needed the space by herself to grieve. She loved Garrett. And it would be hard to let him go.
“Why don’t we go out for brunch? We still have time to make the reservation,” Kara suggested.
Olivia shook her head. “No, thank you.” She massaged her head again, feeling the ensuing headache. Faking it in front of strangers would further exacerbate the pain in her head and heart.
“Would you like to be alone?” Kara asked quietly.
“You know, I would like—”
“Of course, she doesn’t,” Addy interrupted, waving Kara’s thoughtful question away. Olivia had just noticed Addy moving closer to the back door, seeming to scan her backyard.
Olivia took a deep sigh. “I do, actually.”
Addy frowned. “Why? You shouldn’t be alone.”
Olivia shook her head. “I’m not afraid of being alone. And after all the things that transpired last year, I know I can’t ignore my feelings.”
“Otherwise, you’ll explode.” Kara nodded, understanding reflected in the depths of her dark brown eyes. “The school of Dr. LaGrange.”
Therapy had been the best decision she’d made for herself, but right now she felt like a floundering freshman.
Whitney was the first to stand. “We will get out of your hair.” She leaned in for a hug. Olivia took in her warmth. “Reach out to let us know when you’re back at your substitute beach.”
“Substitute?”
“Yes.” Whitney’s eyebrows snapped together like magnets. “First it was Oak Bluffs, then Sag, now Highland Beach. You better not move out there.”
Olivia laughed. “Of course not. Besides, this is the only place where I have a home.”
As soon as she closed the door behind her friends, she could hear their unintelligible whispers.
Let them talk.She mentally waved it off and grabbed her glass of sympathy wine, as Addy had called it. Grabbing her brand-new pink journal that was gifted to her by Dr. LaGrange at her last in-person session, she slid the back door open and stepped outside to her patio. The crashing waves pulled her into a trance so deep it temporarily soothed her hurt.
A light breeze danced with her hair, seeming to beckon her back to the present. She poured herself another glass of chardonnay, mentally reviewing all the things she could have done better to make things right with Garrett. He’d lost so much—his father, his wife, and last year his beloved mother. When his wife died, he had spiraled and drunk alcohol excessively.
Olivia sharply inhaled at her sudden realization. It’s not me who’s afraid. It’s Garrett.
She wasn’t sure if he was conscious of it, but he was afraid that Olivia would leave—be it willingly or unwillingly. Just like everyone else he loved.
She took another sip of wine. And another.
And another.
Her mind whirled through the possibilities. How can I make him see?
You can’t, cher.She heard Ama’s voice as if her godmother had sat beside her. Olivia’s mind settled down. She knew that there was nothing she could do to “fix” the situation. At least not now. She’d attempted to share her feelings with Garrett, but he wasn’t ready.
And maybe he’ll never be ready.Fresh tears formed in her eyes. Garrett wasn’t one of those guys she could write off. He was a good one.
But damn if it didn’t hurt even more when the good guy broke her heart.
What he if dates someone else? What if... oh God, what if it’s Francesca?
“I can’t do it.” She shook her head and drank more wine. Tears filled her eyes at the thought of leaving her newfound home.
“Hi, neighbor,” a familiar voice called from the beach.
Olivia dashed away the tears from her eyes. “Mr. Whittingham.”
He was doing the same thing he’d done when they first met—walking the beach, picking up trash or something else that didn’t belong there. In his hand was a picker and a small brown paper bag. He gave her a winning smile, climbed the three steps, and then crossed her backyard.
“It’s good to see you.” As soon as Olivia stood up, Mr. Whittingham embraced her in a hug.
“You, too.” He sat across from her and crossed his legs. “How are things with CJ and your mother?”
“Actually... they are figuring things out.” Olivia settled back on the cushioned seat bench.
Mr. Whittingham slapped his knee. “I knew he had it in him.”
Olivia nodded. “I think he really loves my mother.”
Mr. Whittingham leaned back and laughed. “Oh, I bet all of Sag Harbor that he loves Cindy. I’m glad he’s taking advantage of life gifting him another chance with his first love.”
Olivia stared at her nearly depleted wine. Could she and Garrett have a second chance? Or maybe they had never really explored their relationship the first time around. They’d both been too busy tending to their own wounds to recognize each other’s pain. “Yes... second chances are nice.”
“Oh, don’t sound so down.”
Olivia sighed. “Let me guess.Addy activated the neighborhood phone tree.”
“That knucklehead who lives beside you told me what happened.”
Olivia grabbed her wine and sipped it empty. “I’m glad he has someone to talk to about his feelings.”
“Hmm.” Mr. Whittingham shook his head. “Time is precious, and it waits for no one. And listen, both of you have wasted it.”
“Tell me about it. I’ve seen the results of stubbornness and miscommunication. I hate it.” Olivia shivered. “But, Mr. Whittingham, I can’t force him to see me... to feel for me what I feel for him.”
“He loves you, Olivia.”
“Maybe he does.” She shrugged. “But I want... I need him to take the leap.” While they hadn’t spoken seriously about marriage, it didn’t mean that Olivia wasn’t committed to their relationship.
“I think that’s a fair expectation,” Mr. Whittingham acknowledged. “But you can’t tell me he hasn’t shown you before.”
Olivia thought back to the time Garrett had told her he could see himself spending the rest of his life with her. And when he gave her a key to his home. A key she needed to return.
He encouraged her to give CJ a chance to make things right for the sake of healing her inner child.
“Yes, he’s... he’s shown me his feelings. But are they truly genuine if he’s willing to walk away so easily?”
“It’s not as easy for him as you think, Olivia.” Mr. Whittingham sighed. “Not at all.”
Olivia nodded, glad that her neighbor was giving her a peek into Garrett’s emotions. “And now I may have to move away,” she confessed out loud.
“What for?” Mr. Whittingham’s voice boomed.
“Because I refuse to pine over my neighbor.” Olivia shrugged. “Or maybe I can just come here for part of the summer, and then Oak Bluffs for the second half.”
Mr. Whittingham didn’t look too pleased by her plans.
“Where are my manners? Would you like some water, coffee, tea... wine?” She gestured to the bottle.
“Oh no. But may I throw this away?” He lifted the small bag. “I’ll be sure to put your trash out while you’re away.”
“Oh yes, of course. I already have some trash in there, anyway.”
“I’ll be right back.” He stepped into the house and was back in under a minute. His chestnut brown skin held a pink flush.
“Well, I’ll be heading off now,” Mr. Whittingham said, suddenly turning to leave. “Don’t be a stranger.”
Olivia shook her head at his hurried exit. She returned inside the house and took a long bath with the spa kit Perry had given her last year. Soaking inside the tub, Garrett’s words played on a loop.
“I can’t believe it’s over.” Tears sprang up in the corners of her eyes. She didn’t dare dash them away, not with her suds-soaked hands.
“I wish there was a way that he could see me... feel me,” she whispered. But there was no answer from the universe, just silence. Her chaotic thoughts finally slowed down and her tense throat, neck, and back muscles were loosened by whatever magical essence Perry had sent.
The bath didn’t magically heal her heart, but it gave her strength to drive to Highland Beach the next morning.
When Olivia arrived back in Highland Beach, she pasted on a smile and pretended everything went well. CJ asked her about Mr. Whittingham, and she told him they’d had a pleasant conversation. She made it seem like it was a friendly catch-up about the weather, not about broken hearts.
When Cindy asked her about Garrett, she replied that he was doing just fine.
But really, nothing was fine.
Olivia Jones was unraveling. She started to consider selling her home in Sag Harbor and going back to the comforting crowds of New York City.