Chapter 40
Ethan texts that night: Did you get any rest?
Me: I did
Ethan: Good. I miss you
Me: Me too. How was court
Ethan: It went our way
Me: Congratulations
My phone rings; it’s Ethan. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing, why?”
“You sound so weird, like a robot.”
“Do I?”
“Yes, and you do right now too, so it’s not just texting. Like you don’t miss me, which makes me a little nuts because I really miss you.”
I smile a little. “I miss you. Listen, I’ve got to go get Cliffy to bed. Let’s talk tomorrow.” I hang up.
Ethan texts immediately: Okay something’s spooked you. Trust me, I’ve been spooked this whole time
Me: Ok, talk to you tomorrow
Ethan: Robot
I get my kids from camp. Iris and Cliffy both want to have a friend over and I say okay. My house is full of people and noise and it’s a welcome distraction. I have a man who is actually in love with me, I know this, and there must be a way to make this work. It’s too much to walk away from. I feel sick from how much I want to crawl into Ethan’s arms and have him love me through this. Feeling your actual feelings isn’t always so pleasant.
I abandon the chaos of the double playdate and go into my garage and get in my car. “Mom. What am I doing?” She doesn’t say anything. “I love him. This is going to end so badly.” The sound of those words surrounds me and I start to cry. Protecting your heart is self-care. And I don’t know which of our voices that was.