Chapter 20
20
Sunday was usually the night Finn and Jade watched cosy crime dramas, curled up on the sofa together, with Mickey keeping a watchful eye on the TV to see if he could spot any baddies to bark at. But tonight after they’d finished supper, neither of them suggested switching the television on, although they did retire to the little back room.
Finn sat in the old armchair where he’d always sat before he’d known Jade as well as he did now, and Jade sat on the sofa so they were looking at each other’s faces instead of side by side.
Jade had opened a bottle of wine and now she poured them both a glass and left the bottle on the round wooden coffee table between them.
‘I want to know about everything that happened in Nottingham,’ she told him, handing him his glass and taking a sip of hers.
Finn took a deep breath and bit by bit he told her it all, filling in as many details as he could remember. From the fact that his parents had met at the goose fair in Nottingham to the shock discovery that Bridie’s childhood sweetheart had been in England all along, which was why she still lived in England now.
‘Caitlin, who’s her sister, thinks they got married, but she couldn’t tell me his name. They haven’t been in touch for years by the sounds of it. Dad couldn’t tell me his name either. I think he may have known it once, but he’s blotted it out.’
‘It’s not something he’d want to remember, is it? Oh, Finn, how awful for your dad, finding out she’d already started a new family with him when she left you both.’
‘Yes, I know. And I do get why he wouldn’t let her see me. He must have felt so hurt and betrayed. I was angry at first. I felt like he’d stopped me from growing up knowing my mother, but it wasn’t like that. They weren’t married. He was scared she’d come back to take me away from him.’
‘Bless him.’ Jade leaned across and put her hand on his arm. ‘Our parents have a lot to answer for, don’t they, but we don’t realise that they were dealing with stuff too. My mum always told me my dad ran for the hills when he found out she was pregnant. But for all I know he might have come back too.’ She sighed. ‘In my case there’s no way of knowing. Anything that happened in the past died with my mum.’
‘Is there no other way of finding out? Any other relatives you could ask?’
‘No. Mum’s parents died when I was about eight. I don’t even remember them, but they were quite elderly then so they must have had her late in life.’
‘Would you want to find out if you could?’ Finn held his breath, knowing that her answer was really important because it somehow gave credence to what he wanted to do.
‘I don’t know, to be honest, Finn. I mean, I’ve thought about it, obviously, across the years. I’ve wondered if maybe my father wasn’t as terrible as Mum made out. Maybe he just took fright and ran. Although that doesn’t explain why he never came back again. Or never paid her any maintenance. After all, they were married. It doesn’t really stack up.’ She shrugged. ‘Maybe he’s dead.’
‘Yes, I wondered that about my mother occasionally.’
‘But if she is alive, you’re keen to meet her and your half sibling.’ Jade finished the sentence for him. ‘How did Ray know the baby she was carrying wasn’t his?’
‘He said they’d had separate beds for a little while, so the timing was off. Would you mind if I met them?’
She looked startled. ‘Oh, Finn, of course I wouldn’t mind. Did you really think I might?’
‘I don’t know.’ Had he? ‘I thought that maybe…’ He broke off and ran his hand through his hair. ‘I was worried it might stir things up for you. Bad memories.’ It seemed petty and short sighted now. Especially when she was looking at him with such surprise on her face.
‘Your past is yours,’ she said, reaching for the wine bottle and pouring them both another glass. ‘It has nothing to do with mine.’ Her hands were perfectly steady, he saw. Her voice composed. ‘I get that you must have a million questions you want answers to – I would if it were me. And if you’ve got a chance to find out those answers, of course you want to try.’
‘I’m so sorry, Jade. I should have told you sooner. In the beginning when I first realised there might be more to know than I’d thought, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do and it seemed pointless stirring things up if I wasn’t going to do anything. And I felt similar when I went to see Dad. I wasn’t sure he’d want to talk about it. It’s been buried for such a long time. It was Dorrie’s idea to tell me apparently. She felt I had a right to know the truth.’
‘Good for Dorrie. Do you know why? Did she have a similar thing going in her past?’
‘I don’t know.’ He felt a pang of regret. ‘I was too wrapped up in my own stuff to ask her. Oh, crikey – maybe you’re right.’ He glugged his wine. ‘I’ve been pretty selfish all round, haven’t I?’
‘No. No, I didn’t mean that at all.’
He got up from the armchair and went and sat on the sofa beside her. ‘Can you forgive me?’
‘Finn, it’s OK. It really is. There’s nothing to forgive. I get it.’ She leaned against him and he put his arm around her. ‘It must have been a lot to take in.’
‘It really was a lot.’ He hugged her close, wanting to cry. He’d cried a few times lately. He’d cried more about the fact his mother had cropped up again – even if only in his head – than he’d cried when she had gone from his life.
He told Jade this now. ‘Would you really not mind if I looked for her?’
‘Of course I wouldn’t mind. I’d support you whatever you did.’ Her beautiful dark eyes were full of compassion, and Finn had never loved her more. For a little while they sat close together, without speaking, listening to the sounds of the house. Mickey’s gentle snoring, the faint buzz the fridge made when it went into a defrost cycle in the kitchen. The creaks and clicks and stirrings of the old cottage as it settled for the night.
It was Finn who finally broke the silence. ‘Are you OK? This has all been about me, and I haven’t asked about you and we haven’t spoken properly for days. Me being selfish again.’
He stroked her hair.
‘Finn, you are not selfish. Never.’ Jade could hear the emotion thickening her voice. It was so rare to see Finn totally vulnerable like this, all his emotions stripped bare, and she felt almost overwhelmed with concern for him and the longing to make him feel OK again.
‘I’m good. I’m fine, although I do have things to tell you. But they can all wait until morning.’
‘No, they can’t. Tell me now.’ She felt him shift beside her. ‘I want us to be able to start tomorrow with a clean slate.’
‘OK. Well, we’ve had a setback on buying the field.’
‘Really?’ He sat up straight again but still with an arm around her shoulder.
‘Yes, you were right about the access.’ She told him about Farmer John calling to tell her she’d been gazumped by Rural Developments. She told him about her visit to Declan Stone and the compromise she thought they had struck about them moving the layout of the access road. She hesitated to tell him about last night when Declan had manipulated her into going out to dinner with him. She wasn’t even sure now that Declan had manipulated her – maybe she was being oversensitive about that. Reading things into it that weren’t there. She hadn’t imagined that kiss though. She took a deep breath and met Finn’s eyes and knew in the next heartbeat that she couldn’t tell him.
Not now. Not after he’d just laid himself so emotionally bare to her. After all, it wasn’t as if anything had actually really happened. Declan had made a pass and she hadn’t responded. End of story. She thought about what Sarah had said about Finn going round and punching Declan’s lights out. It was a scenario she could imagine all too well, especially at the moment when he was stirred up emotionally enough. Thumping Declan certainly wasn’t going to help anything.
‘I’m hopeful we can get an agreement from Rural Developments,’ she said instead. ‘Declan’s going to let me know as soon as he has confirmation.’
‘Fingers crossed.’ Finn turned his head to look at her. ‘It’s a pity the land next door has to be developed at all. But I guess it’s inevitable. There’s building going on everywhere at the moment, isn’t there?’
‘Yes. I think that’s down to the government. They’ve got targets. One and a half million houses to be built every year for goodness knows how long. I suppose they’ve got to build them somewhere. On the bright side, hopefully at least some of the people who buy them will want to rehome a cat or dog.’
‘That’s another thing I love about you, Jade. Your unerring ability to look on the bright side.’
She smiled and closed her eyes for a second, because his glowing assessment of her made her feel even more guilty.
‘Hey, it’s late,’ he said. ‘You look worn out. We should get to bed. It’s all right for me, I’ve had a few lie-ins lately, but you never get the chance. How about if we swap things round tomorrow? I’ll get up early and do the breakfast rounds, and you can have a lie-in for a change?’
‘We can play that by ear. I’ll probably be awake anyway, and I can’t just lie in bed and let you do all the work.’
‘Yes, you can,’ Finn said, catching hold of her hand and kissing it. ‘In fact, I insist.’