Chapter 60 Daisy - A Whole Life Long
DAISY A Whole Life Long
I had asked Allison if I could be the one to take Maisy to Cheryl and Andy’s house.
She would accompany me, but this situation was pretty cut-and-dry.
Maisy’s parents had decided they wanted her back.
It blew my mind that this was legal, that they could just take their baby.
But that was the case. In fact, it was the ideal, and I knew it. We wanted children with their families.
Despite some awkwardness between us with the whole Mason situation, I had filled Amelia in on what was going on.
She had offered to get the nursery cleaned out so that I wouldn’t have to come home to Maisy’s room—and no Maisy.
But I had said no. As painful as it was to part from the baby I loved so much, I thought that maybe this was a beginning for me.
I had fostered a baby I was nothing short of fully attached to.
And even though it had ended sadly, I knew I would do it again.
Taking care of children was what I was meant to do.
Fostering was just another way for me to do that.
My heart pounded as I slid into the back seat, beside the baby carrier, for what I knew would be the final time.
I stroked Maisy’s forehead as she looked up at me with her big eyes.
I didn’t want her to see me cry. I talked to her in soothing tones.
“Mais, I want you to know how very, very much I love you. And I’m so scared you’re going to think that I’ve abandoned you.
But I haven’t. I would never. You’re just going back to your mom and dad now.
And your grandparents. And you are going to be so loved. You have this whole big family—”
My voice broke on “family,” and I had to turn away.
Because I had allowed myself to believe, so foolishly, that that’s what I was getting.
Maisy and I were going to be a family. I was going to give her what I never got.
But, I reasoned, trying to compose myself, Drew and Sarah would give her that now. And I was happy for her.
I slid her out of the car seat, holding her close to me, kissing her cheek, inhaling that intoxicating baby smell coming from the top of her head. A car pulled up beside me, and I knew that it was time.
Allison walked over and peeked in. I couldn’t keep my tears from falling now, knowing that these were my last minutes with my Maisy.
My insides burned with devastation and anger, my head feeling light at the idea that this was it.
How could I possibly let her go? Everything inside of me wanted to put her back in the car seat and drive away, across the state line.
I imagined myself in court making an impassioned plea to the jury.
They just left her in a dumpster; she is the most precious thing in the world to me.
But I wouldn’t. Because not only would I not win, I also knew that, yes, they had made some mistakes, but Sarah and Drew had the support of Cheryl and Andy. Maisy was going to be fine.
Allison squatted down beside me outside the car. “Hey, it’s going to be okay, you know. You did everything for this little girl. You’re her fairy godmother. This isn’t goodbye.”
I took a deep breath, trying to be brave. I nodded and touched my cheek to Maisy’s again.
“You ready?” Allison asked.
“I’ll never be ready,” I whispered. Maisy buried her face in my neck, and I felt my breath catch in my throat. How was I possibly going to live without her?
Allison squeezed my arm, and I heard what she wasn’t saying: It isn’t going to get easier.
Allison got up, and before I followed her to the front door, I lay Maisy on my lap one final time and looked down at her sweet face, rubbing my thumb on her cheek. “I love you forever, and I will always be here for you.”
She cooed up at me like she understood.
The door was open, and I could see Sarah and Cheryl waiting, Allison still on the front stoop.
They all watched as I walked slowly toward the door, unable to control my tears.
I squeezed Maisy tighter, kissed her one last time, and handed her to Sarah very gently.
As Maisy began to cry, I knew I couldn’t stand there and exchange pleasantries.
I could barely breathe. Not only was I leaving her, but she wasn’t going to understand why.
I couldn’t explain it to her. She was already crying for me, and I hadn’t even left.
She’ll be okay, I tried to tell myself. I reminded myself to breathe.
I tried to smile but couldn’t quite muster it.
I planted one last kiss on Maisy’s cheek, then turned and walked away, trying to control my tears, Sarah calling “I’m so sorry, Daisy.
Thank you so much” behind me. I threw her a little wave without turning, but I couldn’t stay.
I couldn’t bear to hear my girl crying, couldn’t stand to spend one more second in this moment where I was giving her away.
By the time I got back in the car, my chest was heaving, and my sobs were coming out faster than I could control them.
I knew it wasn’t safe for me to drive, but I couldn’t stay either.
I have no recollection of going back to my house, of getting in my bed.
But I guess at some point I cried myself to sleep because, when I woke up, it was almost dark.
Maisy, was my first thought. And then I remembered with a dull ache in my chest: Maisy wasn’t mine anymore. Maisy was gone.
My second thought? Tilley’s play. I couldn’t go. There was no way.
I walked to the bathroom, examining myself. My eyes were puffy and swollen. But I felt all cried out. I reasoned that Maisy was getting settled in now, that she would feel attached to her mother, that this was the right thing and, even if it wasn’t, there was nothing I could do about it.
My phone buzzed. Tilley:
Can’t wait to see you at opening night! I left a ticket for you at Will Call!
I groaned. I absolutely could not go, I thought again. I was too exhausted. Too devastated.
But, then again, this was my new reality. Life without Maisy. I couldn’t just sit in the house for the rest of my life. Maybe the play would make me feel better. Plus, I had promised. Tilley was important to me. I didn’t want to let her down.
Also, I had that tiny, tingly feeling that I would see Mason.
I was going to have to face the music at some point, and the fact that I hadn’t run into him yet was sort of a miracle.
And, even though we were in a weird place, I knew that seeing him might help me feel better.
I could almost feel his arms wrapped around me.
Just the thought of it calmed my racing pulse.
I remembered Tilley saying, “Honey, I consider you one of my nearest and dearest. It would break my heart if you weren’t in the audience on opening night.”
How was I supposed to argue with that? Bootstraps, I thought. I’d pull myself up by mine because that was what I did. I splashed cold water on my face and took a deep breath. I practiced my fake smile in the mirror until I could almost believe it myself.
As a special guest of Tilley’s, I had been assigned a seat in the third row, right in the middle.
As I apologized and shuffled over people to get to my spot, it hit me: This was a setup.
She was going to put me right smack beside Mason so that we had to talk.
But, as I looked around the audience, I noticed the back of his head at the end of the row in front of me with Parker, Amelia, and the rest of the Thaysden/Saxton clan.
I felt sad for a moment that I wasn’t with them. No baby. No boyfriend.
Julie took her seat in the row in front of me, a few seats down, and turned to wave.
I waved back. I didn’t hate her anymore.
But the fantasy of some long-buried miscommunication was dead for me now.
I wanted to continue to get to know her.
But, gosh. She was just everywhere. It made it hard to do it on my own terms.
I perused my playbill, smiling to see that I recognized quite a few of the names. Was I part of this community now? Maybe not, I decided, considering that I was sitting here alone.
The lights dimmed and, suddenly, a town sprang to life onstage. And there she was, that resplendent Tilley who positively glittered when the lights were on her. The rest of the cast was also fantastic.
As Cornelius, the shop employee in Hello, Dolly!
, began singing to Irene Molloy, the hatmaker, “It only takes a moment for your eyes to meet, and then your heart knows in a moment you will never be alone again,” I couldn’t help but think of Mason, of that moment we had met, of all the moments after, of how I’d thought he would be the one to love me my whole life long.
I couldn’t help but look over at him. But he was gone.
Cornelius performed his soliloquy and then the most ecstatic, curious thing happened.
After the homeless man in the park (onstage, not in real life, to be clear) asked what happened, one by one, the men and women on either side of me began standing up and chiming in on the song, filing out of the aisle as they did, up onto the stage.
The crowd burst into spontaneous applause because, wow!
What a wonderful touch. The swelling chorus filled my heart and my eyes, and I really couldn’t believe how magical and magnificent this community theater performance was.
A woman I didn’t know beside me took my arm to lead me out, and I said, “Oh, no, no. I’m just an audience member! ”
She shook her head. “No, Daisy. You’re meant to be on the stage tonight. Tilley’s orders.”
I was horrified, here in my black dress while the crowd on the stage was all in period costume. She took my hand, and I protested again but then, really, had no choice but to follow.