Six
Noah
When I saw Beryl in another man’s arms, the dreams I’d been building over the past week crashed to rubble around me. Numbness of body and soul set in. The gym owner escaped, leaving Beryl to face me alone. Deep simmering anger burned away the pain and it was my turn to escape before I turned that unreasonable anger on her.
None of this, none of these negative emotions have to do with her. Or with the man holding her. I’m angry at myself. For falling under the spell of the past, of what we had in college. Imagining we could be that couple again. For not accepting after all these years she’s moved on from me. Hell, doesn’t the fact she has a kid show she’s moved on?
The roof of my SUV bore the brunt of my anger. I’m surprised as fuck I didn’t leave a dent when I slammed my fist against the sun-heated metal. The physical action brought me back to reality and I got myself under control.
Until the moment Beryl exited the building and searched for me. Every molecule screamed mine. My woman. Tegan would probably call me a neanderthal for that reaction. And the kiss. Although I did ask forgiveness before taking her lips.
Still, forgiveness isn’t consent so I have another apology to make.
While driving to the Love Beach Boardwalk, I’d had a series of realizations. Acting like a jealous dick isn’t going to bring us closer. I can’t go through life wanting to punch out every guy who looks at her. She’s damned beautiful so of course guys look. She’s too beautiful for someone like me.
In college she was adorable and sweet. All I wanted then. Now, she’s no longer a girl and her elegant beauty is refined and timeless. It’s difficult not to feel lacking when I’m with her. I suppose that adds to the anger toward anyone else involved with her.
I need to know how involved her son’s father is in their lives. How often will I have to stand aside and watch their interactions. Preparing myself for those eventualities, once we’re at the coffee place I say, “Tell me about Devin’s father.”
Her amazing blue eyes grow wide. She blows across the top of her coffee then takes a careful sip before returning the mug to the table. “Not what I was expecting.”
“I suppose not. But it’s a good way to start. How involved is he in Devin’s life?”
She gives me a cheeky grin. “You mean in my life, too, don’t you?”
“Caught.”
Her grin fades. “Minimal involvement. You need to hear the whole story. It’s… well, I’m not… it’s difficult to admit to you.”
A difficult situation she doesn’t really want to talk about? Pressing my palms against the table I shoot to my feet and lean forward. “Did he hurt you? Do something you didn’t want? I’ll?—”
She pokes my arm. “Sit down. You’re making a scene. No, he didn’t hurt me. I was already hurting.”
I slouch back into my chair. “Because of me.”
“Yes. Because you barely said good-bye before you disappeared. Because you didn’t believe in us enough to even tell me why. What your thoughts were. I was hurt and angry and honestly, a bit self-destructive.
“You’d been the center of my world for so long then suddenly I was left with nothing to anchor me. Once I gave up on the tears and pity party, I got angry. At you for leaving. At me for caring so much.”
I can’t deny the truth in her words. I’d been totally self-absorbed and didn’t give a single thought to how my actions affected anyone else. This past week I’ve gotten a number of lectures from my sister about that time. I’d ignored her and my folks, too. Thank the fuck I’ve grown past that stage. I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to my family. And to Beryl if she’ll let me.
“I have a lot to atone for.”
“I’m choosing to believe you thought your course of action was the right way. Even great hindsight won’t allow us to change the past. We can only move forward. We can talk about atonement later.” She gives me a slow wink. “Now, about Devin.”
“I’m listening.”
“Don’t over-react.”
That’s a hard promise to make but I’m able to nod.
“That’ll do. So one night I took my anger to a party at a frat house. The one where all the football jocks lived. I drank enough I had no inhibitions and thought I was enjoying the attentions of one of the running backs.”
“Running backs?”
“Still don’t follow football, do you?”
I shrug one shoulder. Team sports have never interested me. I only know a little about gymnastics because of Beryl’s college career. I need to learn more now for her son.
“We had sex. Revenge sex. I’d twisted my doing it with another guy into getting even with you leaving me. Somehow my drunk brain made sense out of it. We got a little wild. The condom broke. I got pregnant.”
“He wanted nothing to do with you then?”
“He’s a good guy. He tried, but when I wasn’t drunk, I didn’t find him appealing. My mom raised me alone. I knew if I did half as well as she did, my baby and I would be fine. I think, deep in my heart, there was still a spark of hope that you’d return for me. I didn’t want there to be a man in our way.”
I draw a breath to ask about Phil but she cuts me off.
“I told Phil he’s not the man for me today. Right before you showed up. The hug was just two people, friends, who had come to an understanding.”
“It was still a shock. Hard to watch.”
“Why? You didn’t want me and you walked away. Get over it, Noah. There’s a lot of hugging in gymnastics.”
She wants me to get over her hugging another man. That won’t be easy. “I’ll work on it. Did you get any support from your football player?”
She gives a soft snort and takes a long sip of her coffee. “He was drafted to a pro team. As part of his contract, a certain amount is deposited into an account for Devin’s care. Then he made a name for himself his rookie year and continues to be a pro bowl player every year. Except those years his team went to the Super Bowl. When Devin showed promise in gymnastics, the support increased to include training and competition costs.”
“Does Devin get to see him often.”
“This is where the story gets interesting. He’s never formally acknowledged Devin, although he’s told me he’d never deny his first born. Other than when Devin was born, J’Jaun hasn’t seen him in person.”
I don’t understand how a man can provide for his kid and still ignore the child. “Does Devin want to meet him?”
“So far, he hasn’t asked. J’Juan and I will deal with that when the time comes. J’Juan has… well, let’s just say he doesn’t keep it in his pants. In the past nine years he’s fathered eleven children with…” She pauses and counts on her fingers. “Eight different women. He’s acknowledged, supports, and as far as I know is an active parent for all eleven. Devin’s the exception.”
“How does he have time for football?”
Laughter bursts from Beryl and I chuckle along with her. “I’ve wondered that myself. It works for him. As much as possible I want to keep Devin from the limelight of being the first of a dozen. Thankfully his father agrees.”
She reaches across the table and takes my hand. “There is absolutely no reason to be jealous over him.”
No, other than he had sex with her. Or that he created a child with her. Biting back a harsh reply, I only nod.
“I see this is going to take time. That’s okay.”
I keep her talking about her life, how she’s handled raising an active son, how she ended up in Love Beach, to keep the focus off me. The looks she gives me before answering each of my questions tells me she knows what I’m doing and she’s promising to return the favor. My time is coming and when it does, I’ll be all in with truthful answers.
She’s worth fighting past the anxious knot in my belly to the truths about myself I barely understand.
Nearly two hours later she glances at her phone. “I’ve got to get back to the gym. Thank you for this time, Noah. I hope I’ve eased your concerns. I made it through the devastation of your disappearance, the confusion of pregnancy and being a mom, and finding a place where my son and I belong. I’ve learned to face forward meeting life head on.”
Her words grow soft and wistful. “Sometimes though I wish for someone to be at my side. A partner to love and grow with. In college I was convinced that was you. Then I refused to think about the possibility of us. Now you’re here and possibilities explode around me like a fireworks display.”
Once again she stops me before I can speak. “Just think about what I’ve told you. Next time you can explain to me why you ghosted me. Let’s go.”
We set our mix-matched mugs in the bus tub and she takes my hand as we return to her car. Fiddling with her key fob she stares at the ground a long moment but smiles when she looks up at me. “Mom’s been wanting Devin to spend a weekend with her. I’m sure weekends must be busy at your store, but could you get away for supper Friday? Or maybe Saturday? I’ll cook and we can continue this re-getting to know each other.”
What I want to do is spend every second of the weekend with her, but I can’t leave Tegan alone for that long. Our weekend business comprises over half of our weekly income. Tegan’s suggested hiring help. Now I wish we’d done it sooner.
“I’ll work something out with Tegan for Friday night. We’re still working out optimal times for the store to be open and decided to close early that evening anyway.”
“Fantastic.” Her phone pings and she glances at the screen. “Shit, I’m late picking Devin up. Come on.”
A group of kids are bunched up by the door when we pull into the lot. When I exit there’s a cheer. “Hey Candy Guy! Did you bring more chocolate?” one of the kids shouts.
Laughter tickles the back of my throat and I relish the sensation. Has it been so long since I’ve enjoyed a good laugh? I wave at the kids and shake my head sadly. “Not this time.”
At the disappointed groans, I decide to speak with the coaches and if they’re okay with it, I’ll stop by sometime with candies. Tegan’s been working on some new taffy flavors the kids might help us taste test. I’m still laughing when I duck down to say good-bye to Beryl.
“What’s so funny,” Devin asks as he tosses a backpack and a duffle across the back seat and fastens his restraint.
“My cousin back in Nebraska gets called Candy Guy all the time. I must be doing something right. Feels like I’ve joined the chocolatier success club.”