Chapter Fifteen
Emily
“You need to take a chill pill,” Cassie chastised as she chucked a series of balls for the dogs.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into me?—”
“I do,” she said, snorting loudly.
“Oh, shut your face!”
“Maybe if you shut your face . . .”
I could see the wheels spinning when I met her eyes.
“Nope,” she said, shaking her head. “I can’t think of anything funny to finish that one.”
“Thank goodness.” I dumped everything into a big bucket on the grass.
“I don’t know why you’re wound tighter than a gnat’s ass. You’re the one who’s been getting laid on the regular.”
“Was,” I corrected. “Was getting laid on the regular.” I sighed. “Don’t get me wrong, Hudson is as cute as a button. Even cuter than his dog.”
“Cuter than his dad?”
I sighed. “Yes. He’s freaking adorable. He’s got this soft, wavy hair. Big brown eyes. A couple of freckles across his nose. These sweet little dimples.”
“Sounds like you’re in love.”
“I think I could be. With him and Luke,” I amended, pulling a leash through my hands.
She snorted another laugh. “Yeah, right.”
“It’s weird because it’s so easy to be around him. Easier than I thought it would be. He’s smart and loves to eat.”
“Who doesn’t?”
“And he’ll even eat his vegetables first to show off for me.”
“Sounds like a keeper.”
“But I miss the sex. You know, the kind you can have any time of day because you don’t have to worry about getting caught kind of sex?”
“That’s the best kind.” Cassie gave me a look when I didn’t reply. “I don’t get what the problem is.”
“I feel guilty about wanting that. Of missing it. It’s not about Hudson, but just about feeling bad that I want it.”
“Honey, you’re a woman. You’re a woman with needs. Trust me, if anyone gets what you mean, it’s me. You’re not a bad person for wanting sex. Especially the kind of hot sex you’ve been having.”
“How do I find the balance? You know between Chris and sex and Chris and Hudson?”
“Maybe you should do a nooner,” she said, making me laugh.
“We did it last night when Hudson was taking a bath.”
“Well, see, you’re fine. You just have to be creative and carve out time for it.”
“I don’t want to schedule sex!” The idea of pre-arranging sex was appalling to me.
“Honey, what do you think parents have been doing since the dawn of time?”
I rolled my eyes. Then her words sank in.
And that’s when the panic arose.
“Shit, you’re right.”
I’d been blissfully ignoring that Chris and I were getting more serious. And the more time we spent together, the likelier it was that I would become a parental figure to Hudson. The knowledge hit like a tsunami.
Stupid, foolish coward.
Canceling on Chris tonight, claiming I was worn out and needed a night to just veg on the couch, was a total chicken-shit thing to do.
I promised not to lie to him again, and I hadn’t. I was mentally worn out. Playing and trying to determine the outcome of every possible scenario was exhausting. The problem with what I told him was that it didn’t address the dread I felt with seeing him. I wanted to see him. Yet, the fact of the matter was that we had a lot to talk about, and I just wasn’t ready to face the music yet. I felt like crap making an excuse to get out of hanging out with him.
I felt even worse canceling on Hudson.
He loved having Moose and Rufus over. It was so cute to watch him with all the dogs.
Still, I needed another day to wrap my mind around everything spiraling out of control like a damn whirlpool.
What I really needed to do was talk to Chris. That was the adult thing to do. But I needed to work on what I wanted to say. I couldn’t take the chance of saying the wrong thing—not when Hudson was involved.
If it were just Chris, I wouldn’t be torn apart from anxiety. Hudson was the one thing I couldn’t risk. I would never forgive myself if I hurt him in the process of trying to figure things out with his father.
Cassie suggested I make a list of pros and cons. In this case, as I scribbled onto my notepad, I was listing doubts and probabilities.
Hudson had a mother. I didn’t want to replace her, but how would I fit in if things continued progressing? Chris and Hudson would still deal with grief and loss—even after all these years. What did that look like for them, and what should I expect? So many other questions plagued my mind—and heart.
I wanted to be the kind of woman my mother wasn’t. The supportive, loving, doting kind. I didn’t want to lose myself in the process, but I also wanted to put them first when it mattered most. I didn’t have a great role model in my mother. My grandmother always put me first, so I knew what that looked like in theory. I just didn’t know what it looked like in practice.
Fear that I would fail, and fail miserably, churned and ate away at me.
Saltine crackers could only do so much when it came to a nervous stomach.
I popped a couple of antacids and warmed a can of chicken noodle soup, hoping one or the other would remedy the acid inside.
By the following day, I didn’t feel any less nervous.
However, I was excited and genuinely looking forward to seeing Chris and Hudson.
Heavy clouds promised rain, and a fleeting moment passed when I wondered if the weather was a bad omen.
It was silly, though. I loved the rain. Even in the humidity of the June gloom, I remembered my grandma telling me that rain was always a sign of cleansing and renewal. If she were standing next to me, she’d tell me that something good was about to happen. The coming rain would wash away all my anxiety and clear a path for answers and new beginnings.
When I heard Hudson’s laughter, everything brightened—inside and out. The sun poked through the clouds momentarily, and a lightness washed over me.
“Are you feeling better?” Chris asked, covertly kissing my cheek when he hugged me.
“So much better,” I said.
“Are you my dad’s girlfriend?” Hudson asked.
I almost fell over where I stood.
“Uh-um . . .” I looked to Chris for guidance.
He shrugged. I narrowed my eyes at him.
“Where’d you hear that?” Chris asked.
“When you were talking to Aunt Sav. You said, girlfriend. And Emily’s the only girl you know. So, I thought you meant her.”
I almost laughed when he shrugged because he looked like a mini-Chris.
“So, are you?” His brown eyes bore into mine as he looped Luke’s collar over his hand.
I cleared my throat. “Well, I?—”
“Would you mind if Emily was my girlfriend?” Chris piped in.
“Nope.”
My body sagged with relief.
“Well,” Hudson started and looked back and forth between us.
The palpitations of my heart threatened an attack of some kind.
“Would that mean that Moose and Rufus would be over more?”
“I suppose it might,” Chris said.
“And we’d still go on walks and come to the park, though.”
“Of course,” Chris answered.
“And we’d have dinner together? And watch movies?”
“Em?” Chris prompted me to join the conversation.
“Sure.” I swallowed the Sahara Desert, which seemed to have formed in my throat. “Dinner and movies would be fun.” I looked into his big brown eyes again. “I mean, that is, if you want me to join you and your dad for dinner and movies, I will.”
His mouth turned up into a huge smile. “Yeah, okay.”
“Hudson?” Chris said, using that father’s tone kids are attuned to.
“Yes,” Hudson said.
Chris leaned closer and whispered, “We’re working on not saying yeah so much.”
“Gotcha.” I turned my focus back to Hudson. “Anytime you want me or the dogs to come over or hang out, just let me know.”
“Cool,” Hudson said.
“Cool,” I echoed, shooting Chris a smile that would have parted the clouds above us if it had the power.
As promised, it started pouring almost immediately following our group session at Bark Park.
Luckily, we were done for the day, and I was already packed up when the first crack and boom crossed the sky.
Tucked safely inside Chris’s house, we hunkered down as the rain pelted the roof.
“I love a good summer storm,” I said.
“Dogs can’t go outside,” Chris muttered. “It smells like wet dog in here.”
I took the towels from him and squished his face in my hand. “I’ll dry them off.” I sat next to Hudson, who had plopped himself in front of the dogs. “Do you have a blow dryer?” I asked Chris.
“Yeah.”
“Yes,” I corrected, sending him a cheeky grin.
Hudson met my eyes and giggled.
Seconds later, Chris reappeared, blow dryer in hand.
“Have you ever given Luke a blowout?” I asked Hudson.
Chris snorted behind us.
Hudson, oblivious to Chris’s response, said, “Uh-uh.”
“This could get interesting,” I told him. “Moose and Rufus are used to it, but let’s see. You use the brush, and I’ll blow dry.”
I held onto Luke’s collar and prepared for the worst. Some dogs freaked out with loud noises. “Give him a pet, and let him know it’s okay,” I said.
Watching Hudson work with Luke reminded me of what Cassie did with her fur-clients.
“Good job. Now, let’s see how he does.” I turned the hair dryer on low. Luke looked at me with apprehension. “Okay, Hudson, keep doing that. Good boy, Luke. You’re such a pretty boy. Yes, you are.” Using a calm, soothing tone, I began blow-drying his fur. Maybe it was because Moose and Rufus didn’t freak out that helped him remain calm. Then again, maybe it was the sweet boy next to me.
Hudson and I worked with Luke, and once dry, we moved to Rufus, then Moose. Before long, all three dogs were warm and dry.
“I think you might have a knack for grooming,” I told Hudson.
His face lit up. “We should give Luke a bath.”
“Maybe next time,” I said. “I think your dad has had enough of wet dogs to last him a while.”
“I’m hungry,” Hudson said.
“Me too.” I handed Hudson the towels and grabbed the brushes and blow dryer. “What do you want for dinner?”
“Pizza!”
“I love pizza,” I said. “Let’s go find your dad.”
I followed Hudson to the laundry room. After starting the washing machine, we tiptoed down the hall. When we found Chris asleep on the bed, Hudson held his finger to his mouth. I nodded and pointed to the living room.
“We’ll let him sleep a little while longer,” I said. “How about we order a pizza, some wings, and garlic bread? Then we can play a game or watch a movie.”
“Do you like Uno?” he asked.
“I love Uno! But I have to warn you, I’m pretty good.”
His eyes sparkled like he was up for the challenge. “I’ll go get it!” he said and ran away. I couldn’t help but laugh at his excitement. I had to admit, I was excited too.
Hudson and I were on round two of Uno when Chris sat down at the table with us.
“How long was I out?”
“I don’t know how long before we checked on you. But it’s been about half an hour since then.”
Hudson squirmed in his seat. It was his tell that he had a good card he wanted to play. “Ohhh!” Chris and I yelled out when Hudson served me with a Draw Four.
“He beat me in our first round,” I said to Chris.
“Hmm,” he said, peeking at my cards.
“That’s cheating, Dad!” Hudson reprimanded.
I held my cards away from Chris. “Cheaters don’t get dessert,” I said.
“I think we better have dinner first.”
“We ordered pizza,” Hudson said, laying down his card.
“It’ll be a little later than normal with the storm and all.”
“It’s really coming down,” he said. “I think that’s what woke me up.”
When the doorbell rang, Hudson and I put our cards aside, promising to finish our game later.
Instead of finishing our card game, the boys decided we should watch a movie. Hudson's choice to watch Return of the Jedi didn’t surprise Chris or me. What did surprise me was that I stayed awake, and Hudson fell asleep.
Chris carried him to bed. I watched from the doorway as he tucked him in. Seeing him in this light, the dad who loved his son with all his heart, completely melted mine.
Back in the living room, we sighed and settled in. Before long, we were making out, revved up and raring to go. I slipped my hand in his and let him pull me to his bedroom.
“This feels very naughty,” I said, slipping my hands under his shirt. The tight ridges of his muscles made my mouth water. “I’d really like to?—”
The boom of thunder and crack of lightning was followed by a harrowing cry of, “Daddy!”
Chris bolted to Hudson’s room.
I tiptoed down to make sure Hudson was okay.
Soft whimpers hit my ears. Knowing he must be scared and not wanting to embarrass him, I stood just outside the doorway.
I could barely make out their conversation. The parts I did hear offered comfort and assurance that everything would be okay.
Holding my heart in my chest, I fell in love all over again.
I closed my eyes and said a little prayer because before Chris and I made love tonight, I wanted to open my heart to him.
I sighed to myself and hoped I would say all the right things.
“But, Dad,” I heard Hudson say.
They exchanged a few more indecipherable words before I heard Hudson say, “I want my mom. I just want my mom.”
My heart broke as the earth fell from beneath my feet.
I pressed my hand to my lips and tiptoed back to the living room.
Feeling lost and alone, I tried to make sense of what I was feeling.
I couldn’t hurt Hudson. It was obvious this was happening too fast. It was too soon to think I could become a part of their family.
Of course, he missed his mom. Kayla was everything a mom should be. Chris’s stories and memories proved that to me. I couldn’t take that away from Hudson. And my presence would only serve as proof that she wasn’t here.
I wanted to be someone important in his life—and in Chris’s.
But how could I be anything but a constant reminder of what they lost—of what they didn’t have?
My heart broke for Hudson, the sweet little boy who deserved to have his mom and dad. It broke for Chris, too. He lost his wife and the mother of his child.
Chris may have mourned and grieved. He might be ready to move on.
But it didn’t seem like Hudson was ready.
And I couldn’t let my feelings for Chris—or for Hudson—cloud my judgment.
Hudson needed time. He needed Chris.
Neither one of them needed me to come in and ruin their family.