56. EMERSON
56
EMERSON
Now
Liam didn’t stop his DRAGS or daily relationship affirmation gifts and acts of service, as Chloe keeps calling them. I figured it out after our encounter at Trader Joe’s.
Chloe has genuinely done her best to keep me from being alone in my thoughts, but it hasn’t fully helped.
It’s not that I feel alone because there aren’t people surrounding me. Chloe is practically glued to my side. She isn’t allowing me to go through this heartbreak alone this time.
“What are you doing here?” I ask Natalie as I walk up to Chloe's designated meeting spot for our walk.
Tucker wags his tail as I approach. I bend down to pet his head and am met with a slobbery kiss across my face.
“I’m on my way to a happy hour at LUXBAR. Chloe and I ran into each other out here,” Natalie replies. I know she’s lying. That restaurant is nowhere near where we are. The walk from here to there alone is something Natalie would never do.
“You’re lying, but whatever.”
She shakes her head, disappointed in my response. If she was hoping for me to forgive her and act like everything was okay, she hoped for the wrong thing. Despite how I feel about my situation with Liam now, it doesn’t change what she did or that she hasn’t shown any remorse.
Chloe chimes in, “I love that place. Make sure you get their Mexican espresso martini. I had it when my mom was in town this spring. She thought it was too much of a kick, but honestly, it could have used more. ”
“Thanks, Chlo.” Natalie glances between the two of us. “I guess I’ll see you two later. Have a nice walk,” she says with sadness. She turns around and heads toward the restaurant.
Chloe and I take off walking toward the Chicago Riverwalk. It’s one of our favorite places to people watch. Our usual hot girl walks turn into hot girl people-watching. We’ll make it maybe a mile before we sit down along the river. It also usually includes a glass of wine or two—or a bottle. Natalie is also usually included.
My heart slightly hurts when I think about that. Twenty-two years of friendship gone—but I don’t know if Natalie was ever my friend.
“Have you talked to Seth?” I ask Chloe.
“Absolutely not. He called and left a voicemail the other day, apologizing. The apology was an extended elaboration of what he told me already.”
“Was it not one time?”
“Nope! One drunken night led to a month of hooking up. When he was visiting, I thought it was suspicious that he was on his phone so often. He was texting her.” I noticed that, too.
“Did you call him back?”
“And say what? You’re an asshole and a waste of my time. Nah, he doesn’t deserve a response. We are too old to deal with college-aged bullshit. I blocked his number.” She claps her hand in a done-and-dusted movement. “And before you ask me, yes, I am okay, better than okay. I’m happy and ready to go fishing again.”
“Seems like you baited an English boy?”
Chloe laughs. “Cal? No. Hot, but no. We are providing moral support for each other to deal with your shit. Which speaking of. . . are you ever going to hear her out?” Chloe asks.
“But I want to hear about you and Cal.” I pout.
“You just did.” She pokes me in the shoulder. “I’ve given you two weeks to be a bitch about this, but times up. ”
“Didn’t realize I was on the clock for dealing with the betrayal of my longest friend.” Chloe says betrayal is extreme as I keep talking, “It’s not that simple, and you know it.”
“Then what is it? Because to me, it looks like you are willingly losing the love of your life and your best friend. Tell me I’m wrong.”
“They lied. Left out pertinent information.”
“So did you,” Chloe reminds me.
“That was different.”
“How?”
“I didn’t have some mastermind plan.”
We’re outside Tiny Tap when she halts and politely grabs my arm. Chloe turns me toward her.
“Look, Em, you’re hurting, and it’s obvious. Since we became friends, I’ve never seen you like this. You’re a shell of the friend I love .” I try to speak, but she puts her hand over my mouth to stop me. “I get it—or at least I’m trying to. Natalie lied, whether she had valid reasons or not, but I think—no, I know this was out of love.”
“Out of love? That’s what you are understanding? If she loved me, why would she let herself fall for him?”
“You can’t control who you fall for,” Chloe points out. I roll my eyes.
“Why would she keep this for a year? Why wouldn’t she tell me, or you, when she got back last summer?”
“She probably thought you were happy with Brandon and had moved on.”
I shake my head no.
“You have to talk to her about her reasons.” We take a seat on one of the large stone ledges. “I know you’ve had your ups and downs with Natalie. I get why you’re upset: Your biggest fear is happening in real time, but you are letting it happen. You could put a stop to this, you know? You are letting yourself lose by acting this way .
“You allowed yourself to live in Nat’s shadow your entire life. You think of yourself as second place to her. That one wrong move would cause her to stop being your friend, and you’d lose her love. The truth? You could never lose her love—or mine. We don’t love you for the things you do for us. We love you because of who you are. You are generous and never shy away from helping someone. You are fierce and loyal, protective of us. I wish Nat told you how much she looks up to you more often. We both do. Neither of us would be the women we are today without you. You consistently make us the best versions of ourselves by being you. We love you. But do you know when you were the best version of yourself?”
I laugh, “When?”
“The summers you spent with Liam.”
“Chloe, you only knew me for two of those summers,” I remind her. She didn’t know Emerson before, so what grounds does she have to make the comparison? “How can you say that was the best version of me?”
“Because I know you now .”
Am I different now?
Of course, getting your heart broken changes you, but I’m fine. I’ve added enough tape to put myself back together. Like anyone who was in love once, I falter some days, but I’m fine—I’m not fine.
Chloe puts an arm around my shoulders—a half-hug but enough of an embrace that I feel the love transferring from her to me. “You aren’t kidding anyone with your I’m fine facade.”
“I don’t. . . I don’t understand,” I choke out.
“Take a guess,” she says to me.
“I loved him.”
“I think love is an understatement. I sometimes think he is your every breath. He’s”—Chloe makes me sound like a love-drunk fool, but maybe I am?—“the missing piece. You were lighter. You were brighter. I’m not saying you haven’t been yourself for the past three years. You haven’t been the version of you that is truly you.” Chloe sighs. “You are infinite when you believe that love exists. Aren’t you tired of being like this?”
“Yeah, I am,” I reply. Looking out over the river, I’m contemplating how to escape this mess. “I think I really messed up this time, Chlo. How do I fix this?”
“Talk to him.”
“I don’t think I deserve another chance from him.”
“There are a lot of things in life we don’t deserve. You might not deserve another chance, but the two of you, together, deserve an actual chance. The secret to love is knowing you already have it. You already have his love; you don’t need to earn it.”
Liam would never make me earn it. I nod.
“Chloe, have I ever told you I love you?”
She chuckles. “Yeah, but you can tell me again.” Chloe gives me a cheesy smile. I squeeze her into a tight hug. “I love you, States.”
We continued our walk, catching up on work and any other topic that allowed her to avoid my continued questions about Cal and her.
The sun is setting as we decide to head to our places.
Reaching into her fanny pack, Chloe pulls out a small envelope with my name on the front. I recognize the handwriting. It’s Natalie’s. “I promised Nat I’d give this to you when you were ready. She gave it to me yesterday, and I think you’re ready for it now. Not to forgive her, but to finally—”
I hug her, cutting her off. I don’t need to hear the end of what she’s saying.