29. Rahzlyn #2
His eyes held mine unflinchingly. “Yes.”
We were at an impasse of misunderstanding.
I had an urge to uncover why so much loathing burned through his otherwise stoic mask.
“Alright. Then let me ask you this: why were you so determined not to let me go under that whip with you? Given our shared dislike of one another and your wanting to kill me and all.”
“I don’t want to kill anyone. But I will do what I must if the situation calls for it. I simply don’t trust—ow,” he hissed as I rubbed the yarrow a little too harshly.
“Oh, so you do feel pain?”
His eyes flared warningly.
“I recommend you stop throwing around false threats that you don’t intend to follow through on.
At the very least, you need me alive to help eradicate the apostai, right?
Because of the mark on my foot and my connection to Serpentine.
Letting me go under the whip wouldn’t have changed any of that.
If anything, I’m surprised you didn’t welcome Maryn’s idea to—”
“Why does it matter?”
“It just does.”
Raithe scoffed, looking away.
“You know what?” I swiped my hands on the skirt of my dress, removing the remaining yarrow.
I slammed the jar on the bedside table. “If I knew you were going to be this difficult and ungrateful, maybe I shouldn’t have intervened and instead let Felaf beat you like an animal.
” The lie scraped against my throat. No one deserved to be treated that way.
“Maybe you should have,” Raithe agreed.
“Stars, you are infuriating.” I shook my head. “You’re mad that I interfered, aren’t you?”
His jaw clenched. The movement was minuscule, and I wouldn’t have caught it had I not been standing so close to him.
My lips parted in surprise. “You are. But why?”
“Because what you did was reckless and illicit.” His eyes met mine again, his composure cracking. “Because you don’t understand how things work around here. And quite honestly, coming from someone who conspires against Chosens, I would have thought you would have rejoiced in my pain.”
“I would never rejoice in someone else’s pain. Despite what you think of me—and what I think of you right now—I would interfere again.”
He didn’t seem to know what to do with that admission.
“Look, I told the truth about the brand, and for some reason, I am only able to tell that truth to you,” I said. “You seemed to believe that much, at least. What else do you want from me?”
He raised a dark brow. “That doesn’t mean I agree with what you did.
Nor does it mean you aren’t somehow more deeply connected to the apostai than you’re letting on, since we haven’t been able to prove otherwise and likely won’t since you bear that brand.
So no. I don’t trust anything you do or say.
I will make Gregorios see the truth of your deceit, in time, and he will agree that we cannot allow an apostate to take the throne. ”
It was impossible to be liked by everyone. I had my fair share of adversaries as a result of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and speaking my mind rather than knowing when to stay silent. I was used to rubbing people the wrong way.
But this? His vehemence ran deeper than anything I’d experienced, and only because he believed I was a traitor and apostate. If he truly knew me, such an idea would be ludicrous to him. I wasn’t capable of such calculated deceit and betrayal.
“Is it so wrong for people to want a different way of life?” I broached carefully.
“I am not saying I agree with the violence and destruction the apostai cause. Stars know I resent them as much if not more than you.” I paused, organizing the thoughts that I’d never voiced to anyone before.
“But is it so difficult to understand why some might see that as a more favorable path to the one they’ve been given?
Our society breaks apart families for being born too soon or too late.
We are forced to trust that the Astrals bring into power the right Chosens to lead us, and look where that gets most people.
I’ll admit I’ve lived a fortunate life despite not knowing my parents.
I at least have the capability to put myself in someone else’s shoes, even if I don’t agree with them. ”
Raithe glared at me. “You think me a monster, incapable of such empathy?”
“I don’t know who or what you are. But I think whatever your reason for hating the apostai, it goes beyond the simplicities of right and wrong, and it’s blinded you from trusting anyone. And that sounds like a lonely life to live.”
The muscle in his jaw ticked in contemplation. “After all that, you expect me not to believe you’re sympathetic to their cause?”
“I’m not!”
“If you were to survive your trial, what would you do? Without Blood Sight, how can we trust that you won’t allow the apostai to stage a coup and overthrow the queendom?”
“I wouldn’t.”
“You were ready to fuck a king and steal his talisman, so I’d say you would.”
Red flooded my vision. “Do you believe that a desperate woman tricked into committing treason to save her brother deserves to be tortured, or worse, to be killed?” I demanded of him. “I was prepared to die. That’s love, not treason.”
“Love is treason.” Raithe leaned forward.
I shifted back, my thighs involuntarily grazing his knees shielded only by the thin fabric of the bedsheet.
“It’s a folly. The kind of love you’re describing doesn’t exist.” His words were cold and cutting, yet his breath was hot as it tickled my lips.
“You should have opted for death rather than believe what you were doing—acting against the Astrals—was right. That is the difference between you and me.”
“If you believe that, then you’ve never known love. And that makes me feel sorry for you.” I pointed my finger at him, this time not backing away from his intimidating proximity. He tracked it with bemusement. “You think you’re morally better than everyone because you’re Chosen, don’t you?”
His nostrils flared.
“It’s fine to drug and abduct a woman,” I continued vehemently.
“It’s fine to deceive your queen regent, to disobey her and act of your own accord.
It’s fine to violate the Treaty by entering another territory without that royal’s explicit permission.
Stars forbid I accidentally get involved with the wrong people and go along with their treasonous plan, knowing that I very well could die from such an attempt, because it meant protecting the people I love who did not ask to be put in danger.
A plan that, remember, I failed at thanks to you.
Suddenly I am the villain here? The inferior to your superior? ”
He opened his mouth, but I wasn’t finished. Not as my heart trampled in my chest, racing to spew the hypocrisy back in his face.
“You don this noble guise, thinking your guardian status and your precious Astrals inherently make you exempt from any moral judgement of your own actions. I think that’s a mask you’re hiding behind to justify this… this obsession you have with the apostai and anyone you deem inferior.”