Chapter 16
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
PHILIP BAILEY & PHIL COLLINS, “EASY LOVER”
With Matt and Violet back from Michigan, it was nearly impossible to find time to sneak off with Isaac. Even when Matt was at baseball practice and Violet ran errands, Wesley had his eye on me. It had nothing to do with his sons and everything to do with a waitress.
I felt ninety-nine percent sure that he knew I knew.
However, there had to be a tiny part of him (at least one percent) that held a breath of reservation, a blink of doubt. Had he known with complete certainty, he would have confronted me.
I was so grateful for that doubt, and I did everything in my power to feed it. When I saw Wesley on the farm, I flashed him my best smile, told him my parents said to say “hi,” and asked him questions I already knew the answers to, so he felt like a father figure to me as well.
“Hey,” Matt snuck up behind me as I locked the farm stand door.
“You scared me.” I dropped the money bag and fumbled the key. Then I shoved his chest while picking up the bag and key.
He laughed, walking backward in front of me as I made my way down their lane. He was wearing his dirty practice uniform and baseball hat. “My parents are going to the rodeo tonight to watch Isaac. They invited you, and my mom already talked to your mom, and she’s fine with you going with us.”
I frowned. “I don’t like the rodeo.”
Matt squinted. “You’ve never been.”
Oh, that’s right.
“I don’t have to go to know that I won’t like it. Heather’s been to them, and she said it’s animal cruelty.”
Matt barked a laugh. “It’s not animal cruelty. Isaac’s really good. We’ll grab snacks. And afterward, we’ll meet up with some friends.” He smirked. “Or at least that will be our story.”
I needed to break up with my boyfriend so his brother could kiss my breast and touch me between my legs without making me feel guilty. Maybe I needed to come clean with Wesley so we could discuss the emotional and moral burdens of cheating—allies of sorts.
“Why do you care about watching him rope?”
“Isaac goes to my games when he can. Just because he’s a jerk sometimes doesn’t mean I’m not interested in his life. After all, he bought me condoms.”
I returned a nod and a stiff smile. “That was so nice of him.”
“What’s your deal?” He took my hand and walked beside me.
“Nothing. There’s no deal.”
“Good. So I’ll pick you up at six. I need to shower.” He took the key and money bag, and kissed my cheek before sauntering toward the house when we reached my car.
As I reached for the door handle, the neighing of a horse caught my attention. It was Isaac walking his brown horse into the barn. I should have slid into my car and driven home, but I wasn’t good at doing the right thing. So I made my way to the barn.
“I’ve been invited to the rodeo tonight,” I said as Isaac emerged from the tack room and began brushing his horse.
“Oh yeah?” He shot me a quick glance and smiled.
“Yes,” I said, resting my back against the stall. “What’s his name?” I nodded to the horse.
“Sunday Morning,” he said.
I giggled. “Shut up. I’m serious.”
Isaac smirked. “Anakin.”
“Anakin Skywalker?”
“Maybe.” The corner of his mouth twitched.
“Matt loves Star Wars,” I said.
“Who doesn’t?” Isaac said.
“Can I brush him?”
Isaac paused for a moment before handing me the brush.
“I can’t break up with him. Not yet,” I said, making long strokes with the brush.
“I know.” Isaac leaned his shoulder against the gate’s rail.
“That means he’s going to want to use one of those condoms you so kindly bought him.”
“I know,” he repeated.
I frowned. “And that’s okay? ”
“You’re his girlfriend.”
I couldn’t help the sour expression that stole my face. “So what does that mean? You’re sharing me?”
He grunted, crossing his arms over his chest. “What do you want me to say? You just said you can’t break up with him. I’m not asking you to do it. So I guess you can interpret it however you’d like.”
“I thought you’d be …” I couldn’t finish my thought. I knew better than to get emotionally attached to Isaac. Still, it irked me he wasn’t even a little jealous at the thought of me having sex with another guy.
“I need to get away from all the Cory men.” I tossed him the brush and strode out of the barn without another word.
Guess who I spotted the second we climbed into the stands at the rodeo?
Brenda Swensen.
I didn't know whether Wesley Cory's decision to bring his family to an open bench three rows below Brenda and her friends disgusted or impressed me. Brenda locked eyes with Wesley for a moment, and they exchanged subtle, secretive smiles. I knew those smiles all too well.
Her friends, however, didn’t seem privy to anything, which, oddly enough, impressed me. I was good at keeping secrets, but not like a vault. I kept secrets from the necessary people, but not from everyone. Was Brenda having an affair with a fifty-two-year-old man without telling anyone ? I couldn’t imagine.
I did the math. Wesley was thirty-one with one child and a pregnant wife when Brenda was born .
“Your mom said this is your first rodeo. Are you excited?” Violet asked, sliding on her sunglasses since we faced the setting sun.
“I think so. As long as no animals are hurt.”
Matt grabbed my hand and chuckled. “Sarah thinks roping calves is cruel.”
“Oh, they’re fine, sweetie. Don’t worry about it,” Violet tried to reassure me, but I knew what I’d seen.
“I love you,” Matt whispered in my ear before kissing my cheek.
He said it all the time. And that should have been a good thing, but it wasn’t. He said it so much that it felt less genuine, like the cashier at the grocery store who asked how I was doing. She didn’t care. It was just something that people said.
We were going through the motions, but they felt emotionless because we had an expiration date. Matt knew it, but he seemed not to care. Did he think it was a good idea to go full throttle all summer and then just abruptly end?
Granted, I was partially to blame. After all, I encouraged the future split one minute, only to suggest having sex the next. But I never wanted it to mean more than sex.
Intercourse.
Throwing our virginities to the wind.
Gaining a little experience.
As we watched the events, I couldn’t help but stare at Wesley and peek over my shoulder at Brenda. Then Violet nudged me, and I thought she was about to ask why I kept checking over my shoulder.
“There he is.” She nodded toward Isaac on his horse behind the gate. “I have such handsome boys. I hope he finds a girl like you, Sarah.”
I rolled my lips together and nodded several times.
The gates opened, and the calf didn’t stand a chance. I focused on Violet’s oldest—her handsome son—until he jumped off his horse and tied the calf.
Matt laughed as I tucked my chin and curled my shoulders inward while cringing. He wrapped his arm around me as if he could protect me. When I risked a glance up, Isaac was strutting back to his horse, adjusting his cowboy hat while peering up at me with an unreadable expression as Matt kissed the side of my head.
This time, I had no choice but to stay for the entire rodeo, but I didn’t have to be an idle spectator, so I excused myself.
“Are there outhouses?” I asked, knowing that there were.
“Over there,” Matt pointed. “Want me to come with you?”
“No. I’ve got it. I’m going to grab another Pepsi. Can I get you another one?”
He shook his head. “I’m good. Thanks.” He scooted back to let me squeeze past him.
I meandered past the concession stand and made my way to the outhouses, but I wasn’t sure I needed to pee bad enough to use the stink box.
As I passed the trucks and trailers and the loudspeaker faded a bit, I heard a familiar tune. Turning, I followed the sound, which led me to Isaac’s truck. He was sitting in the passenger’s seat with the door open and boots crossed in the open window while he strummed his guitar. I had never seen anything sexier.
He had a toothpick in his mouth, and I wondered if it was a replacement for his beloved cigarettes .
“Come here, gorgeous,” he said with a hint of a Southern drawl that made me shiver.
Sometimes, I detected that same accent when Wesley talked, but I never noticed it with Matt or Violet.
“Can’t.” I crossed my arms. “It’s going to take me a few days to forget about you being mean to that baby cow.”
He grinned. “Is that so?”
“Yep.”
He continued to play his song, but I didn’t recognize it. “I heard Matt saying that you might go camping with Heather and a few other friends over the Fourth.”
“Yeah. So?”
“So what if you didn’t?” He stopped playing and eyed me with an unreadable expression.
“Why wouldn’t I? It's the first time I've had permission to camp without parents chaperoning."
“It’s four hours to Nashville. I’ll be there for two nights.”
Isaac brought me to life while everyone else tried to crush my dreams, slamming one door after another. He blew off the ceiling and gave me wings. I was still upset on behalf of that baby cow, but I couldn’t fully suppress my grin as I took slow steps toward him, dragging my shoes in the dirt.
“What are you doing in Nashville?”
He sat up, pulling his feet from the window and setting his guitar on the floor. “Playing at a bar my buddy owns. Drinking too much beer. And watching fireworks.”
“What buddy?” I tried to control my giddiness while I clasped my hands behind my back.
“A chief I served under as an MP. He retired last year, and he bought a bar with his brother.” Isaac tossed his toothpick onto the ground and fished a pack of gum from his pocket.
I stood between his spread knees and rested my hands on them, gazing up at him. “What’s an MP?”
He chuckled. “Military Police.”
I twisted my lips. “So you arrested people?”
Again, he grinned. “I enforced the military laws.”
“Hmm. Interesting. Tell me more about this bar. Are you asking me to sing with you?”
“Fuck, no.” He unwrapped a stick of gum and shoved it into his mouth.
I frowned. “Then why bring it up?”
“Because I thought you’d like to watch some other people perform. You like to watch, right?”
Despite not being finished with my grumpiness towards him, I nodded.
He curled my hair behind my ear and ghosted his fingers along my jaw. “Come with me,” he whispered.
I swallowed, fighting emotions that were unlike anything I had ever felt. “Um, where would I stay?”
“With me.”
All the air left my lungs.
I longed to be an adult, carving out my own path and setting my own rules, but my conscience had been influenced by hundreds of sermons. Still, Isaac’s “with me” felt like the day my dad took the training wheels off my bike, turning it into a “big girl bike.” I faked it—feigning bravery until I realized I was doing it all by myself.
The road was mine.
The wind in my hair.
Hands gripped to the handlebars.
I knew there would be bumps, and I might fall a few times and scrape my elbows and knees, but it was worth it.
“Say it again,” I said, stepping onto the running board and removing his hat while he slid one hand along my backside.
“With me,” he said before kissing me.
After the rodeo, Matt drove us to our favorite spot. It was torturous. The boy I’d loved and to whom I gave my virginity wanted to be intimate with me. But I still tasted Isaac on my lips and felt his hands on my body. Did it matter that with or without Isaac in the picture, I didn’t want to be Matt’s wife? Did it matter that we were going to be over soon?
Life didn’t seem as simple as right and wrong. Truths and lies.
My relationship with Matt reached far beyond us. Did that make it okay to have sex with him so we’d stay together a little longer so our families didn’t have any bad blood?
He put the car in Park and unbuckled, scooting toward the middle this time instead of walking around to my side. Maybe this meant we were just going to make out.
Even that felt forced and wrong.
But we did—we kissed.
He touched me on the outside of my clothes before pulling my T-shirt off. Again, we kissed, and he slid his hand inside my bra for the first time.
I choked on a suppressed sob.
Matt reared his head back and froze. “Sarah, w-what’s wrong?”
I shook my head, holding my breath along with the emotions threatening to gush out with it. Then I wiped my eyes before the tears escaped. “N-nothing,” I whispered .
“You’re crying. That’s not nothing.”
I hugged my shirt to my chest. “This is so w-wrong.”
Matt drew his brows together. “But we already … I mean, do you regret what we did? I thought you wanted to? I thought you liked it.”
“I did. I just …” I shook my head again. “I’m sorry. I feel like we’re going a million miles an hour, and I’m afraid it’s too fast. You’re going to college soon. I’m staying here. Our families are waiting around for us to get married, but they don’t know we’re breaking up. And I feel like it’s too much. I can’t do this.” I shook my head and wiped my eyes. “There’s so much pressure to make everyone happy, and we haven’t had time to adjust to life outside of high school. And now we’re having sex, and what if something happened and I got pregnant? And I know this is my fault. I brought it up. I thought we could do this without feeling like it had to mean something more. But …”
Matt’s expression softened, surrendered like he understood my concerns. “No. It wasn’t just you. I wanted this too,” he said, hugging me. “But you’re right. A lot is happening all at once. I thought we could do this and enjoy our summer, like a really good farewell. But you’re right. It will only make it harder, and it’s not worth the risk.” He sighed, releasing me and running his hands through his hair.
Isaac was wrong. Matt cared about me. He loved me. Maybe he didn’t show it in grand ways, like buying me a guitar and taking me to Nashville, but I was the girl he fell in love with when we were just kids. And I think, had I not advocated for splitting up, he would have married me.
He loved me more than I loved him.
That. Broke. My. Heart .
I loved him, but not like that. Love couldn’t be forced or faked. Not that kind of love.
It felt like an impossible choice—hurting my first love and risking my family’s security or being honest. The truth felt more cruel than the lie. I wanted Matt to be the one with the wandering eye, finding someone else so I didn’t feel like an awful person.
But he would never choose anyone but me as long as we were living in Devil’s Head.
“Is it over?” he asked with a deep frown. “Should we stop now?”
I panicked. What if his dad stopped helping my parents?
“Hey,” Matt grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “I’m not looking forward to telling my family either.” He offered a small grin, obviously reading my mind. “I think they like you better than they like me.”
I returned a nervous chuckle. “That’s not true.”
“So we don’t tell anyone.”
“For how long?”
He shrugged. “As long as we can get away with it. The rest of the summer. Thanksgiving. Christmas.”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek.
“Why do you look so terrified?” he asked. “No one will find out. It’s not like we won’t see each other. I’m busy. You’re working. No one will suspect anything. It will be fine.”
I tried to nod and actually believe it. But everything wasn’t going to be fine. There were too many secrets—the really bad kind that could break up families.
“So this is it?” Suddenly, my heart recalled all the reasons I fell in love with Matt. And while I didn’t want to marry him or be his girlfriend any longer, the official decision to end things made my eyes burn with unexpected sadness.
“Don’t. It’s for the best.” Again, he squeezed my hand, but that only made it worse.
So I hugged him as the dam broke, and I bled with empathy and guilt. Part of me wished Isaac would not have come home. That was the version of myself that aimed to please, the version that was a chameleon, fitting into whatever anyone needed me to be.
But Isaac did come home, and I got a glimpse of my true self, and I couldn’t turn back.