18. Sunday
Sunday
I slipped quietly into the apartment. I left my parents’ home just before the sun rose. I knew that Cedar would still be asleep by the time I arrived. He slept until nine on Sundays usually, and then he would hop up and cook our brunch.
I missed those brunches. The last two hadn’t been exactly relaxing and peaceful. I removed my shoes and left them in their spot by the door. Slipping my purse off, I hung it on the hook over the shoe rack and placed my keys on the foyer table.
I stayed still for a few moments because I could feel the energy of the house. It was off. I knew that Cedar was home because his car was parked in the garage.
Walking into the living room, I spotted him on the couch.
He was knocked out, and empty beer bottles littered the coffee table and the floor around him.
My heart melted. Cedar wasn’t a big drinker.
He usually drank only when we had company on the weekends, but looking at the number of beer bottles lying around, unless he’d had a big party, he’d been drinking a lot more lately.
There were empty pizza boxes, fast food containers, and snack wrappings lying around.
That was another thing. Cedar wasn’t a slob, but the living room didn’t speak to that at the moment.
I sighed heavily and called his name. After calling his name a third time with no response, I shook his shoulder.
He snored and turned his head in the opposite direction to face the couch.
I walked back into the kitchen, grabbed a trash bag, and slowly began to fill it with trash. Once I’d finished, I returned, grabbed the dishes, and took them back to the kitchen. I rinsed everything and stacked them in the dishwasher before running a load.
Finally, I turned my thoughts to preparing brunch. Sadly, there wasn’t a lot in the refrigerator or pantry. It looked as if he hadn’t been grocery shopping since I left. Apparently, he’d been struggling as badly as I had been.
I made layered ham and cheese biscuits and frittatas. I prepared coffee for Cedar and poured myself a large glass of orange juice. I glanced at the clock and noticed that it was half past eleven.
I returned to the room to find that Cedar had switched positions, but he was still just as out of it as he’d been before. I shook him harder this time and called his name.
“Cedar, baby, wake up. Cedar!”
When I shouted his name, he sat straight up, leaned back, and threw one fist up and the other arm out to block.
“It’s me.”
He stared at me for a few seconds, lowered his defensive posture, and rubbed his eyes.
“Hey. When did you get here?” His voice was gravelly and thick with sleep.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I tried waking you earlier, but you were in a deep slumber.”
I watched as he looked around the living room and took in the fact that I’d cleaned it. He scratched his beard, which had also grown unruly in my absence.
“My bad about the mess that I left,” he apologized. “I was gonna clean it. Didn’t expect you back so soon.”
“Yeah, it looks like the house wasn’t the only thing left in a mess,” I remarked when he scratched his growing hair.
“I missed my weekly appointment.”
“I’ve never known you to ever miss an appointment with your guy in all the years I’ve known you, Cedar.”
“Baby, trust me. I had more important shit on my mind than making it to the barber.”
I blew out a breath before I replied. “Yeah. I can empathize with that one. Listen, why don’t you go upstairs, wash your face and hands, and join me at the table.”
I headed to the breakfast nook and took a seat. I sat there for a few minutes, reflecting on the distant past and recent past.
“Lord, please grant me the strength to tell my truth and empower Cedar with the grace to forgive me.”
The minute I finished my little prayer, Cedar walked in and took a seat at the table.
“When did you do all this?”
“While you were sleeping off your hangover.”
He stared at me for several seconds before he asked, “Is this your final goodbye brunch or something?”
I smirked and nodded. “I deserved that.” Reaching my hands across the table, I wiggled my fingers. “Let’s pray.”
Cedar lifted an eyebrow in surprise because, in the past, he had always been the one to initiate prayer between us. But while I’d been away, the power of prayer had been reawakened within me. It was the one thing that had gotten me through the summer of recovering from my addictions.
“Father, fill CJ and me with peace as we consume this meal that I have prepared with your blessing. Help us to communicate openly and honestly and find our way back on the journey You’ve planned for us. Amen.”
We ate in silence and were halfway through our meal before he spoke.
“So, why are you back?”
“Did you not want me to come back?”
“Of course I did. You ain’t been answering my phone calls or texts, Sunny. I didn’t know what to expect.”
“My parents told me you came by.”
“I did. Went through that whole town ready to turn that shit on its head.”
“I was in the next town over, Briar Bush, where Nils lives.”
“Figures.”
“I needed some time away, CJ. Arguing with you and not having space for my thoughts was more than I could handle.”
“You can’t run out whenever we have problems, Sunday. You have to face them no matter how difficult they may be. What lesson will you be teaching our son if that’s how you handle problems?”
“It wasn’t easy. You were accusing me of cheating and?—”
“You didn’t do a damn thing to make me feel secure.”
I sighed. “You’re right. I did not and would never cheat on you. I’m not attracted to females. You’re the one I love, CJ, and who I want to make a family with.”
“What the hell is going on with you and this girl then? It’s like you’re hiding some secret with her away from me, and I’on like that shit, Sunny.”
Pushing my plate away from me, I folded my arms on the table and stared into his eyes. “What I’m about to tell you will take a while. Please don’t stop me, or I might lose the courage to do so.”
Although he kept staring at me, he didn’t speak a word.
“When I was seventeen, I went through a wild phase. I dated a drug dealer who was five years older than me. That was the guy I gave my virginity to. I snuck in and out of clubs with a fake ID.”
“You do realize that was a felony, right?”
“I knew. But I didn’t care. He had an older brother who was a cop with connections, and he got Derek out of so much stuff back then it wasn’t funny.
We knew he’d come through for us too. I was drinking, and then Derek, the guy I was dating, got me hooked on pills.
I was taking pills to get up and pills to lie down.
“One night, my best friend, Layla, and I went to a frat party where Derek was supplying drugs. It was close to the end of the school year, and I had popped some pills earlier in the day to help me through my final exams. After school, I went home and tried to relax because I knew that we’d be going out that night.
I couldn’t, so I took some more pills to help me relax. We got up and headed out to the party.
“There was lots of alcohol when we got there, but I only had one cocktail. Later, Derek caught up with me and gave me some Mollies. He said it made sex better. I didn’t want to take them, but you didn’t say no to Derek, especially not me.
So, I took them, and he took me to someone’s bedroom to have sex.
I was wired, so he gave me something to calm me down.
Right after that, Layla was ready to go, and I was scared I wouldn’t make it to her house.
“CJ, I fell asleep at the wheel that night, and I crashed into another car. Luckily, the other driver and passenger suffered no damage at all. I suffered no damage, but Layla did. She was temporarily paralyzed and unable to move. Layla was pregnant, and she lost her baby, CJ. All because of me, she lost her baby.”
I sobbed brokenly as if it had just happened again. Cedar moved to sit beside me. He pulled me out of my chair and onto his lap and wiped away my tears.
“Breathe, baby.”
Those were the only words that he spoke, but they were enough to calm me down and bring peace to my heart.
I nodded and inhaled deeply, held it for several seconds, and then slowly blew it out. I did that several times before I calmed myself down.
“She’s told me that in time, she was able to regain mobility, but then she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis not long after the accident. She’s lost the ability to walk again since the MS diagnosis.”
“What about you? Weren’t there any charges pressed?”
I shook my head.
“Derek’s brother worked with people behind the scenes to alter the toxicology report, paid witnesses to say that I wasn’t drinking or doing anything wrong at the party, and since I had genuinely fallen asleep at the wheel, it was considered an accident.
Layla confirmed with the police that we were leaving because I was sleepy.
She said I’d been studying hard for my tests, and I’d fallen asleep at the wheel.
“Everybody just assumed it was another hardworking student who hadn’t gotten enough sleep. That was the same story that was passed along to Layla’s parents, and they bought it. They were so devastated about their daughter they weren’t focused on pursuing charges against me.”
“Didn’t they have questions about it?”
“Not really. No. Her parents adored me, although her mother had begun to have some reservations about me when I became involved with Derek. She blamed me for Layla’s choices that led to her becoming pregnant.
But our parents had been close up to that point, so they trusted that I hadn’t done anything to jeopardize their daughter’s safety during the accident.
Layla was angry, but she didn’t want me to get in trouble.
Even in her pain, she was concerned about me. ”
“Did your parents know anything?”