Chapter 18 #2
She shook her head. “Don’t you worry. I’m a working woman.
If I want to buy a present for one of the sweetest girls I’ve ever met, I’m allowed.
” She opened the bag, reached in through the tissue, and pulled out a pale pink robe with white flowers on it.
She held it up under her own neck and then leaned down so I could feel it.
The material was smooth like a ribbon. Not silk, though.
Rayon. I knew the difference because of Mrs. Lifton.
“I was thinking you could wear it now? The clerk they send is an older man, always respectful, and he won’t be here long.
But you might feel more comfortable? And I thought it would look so pretty on you.
” She held a sleeve open so I could slide my arm in.
“You can take it back to Florida with you if you like it. That’s the great thing about a robe.
It’ll still fit as you get your waistline back. ”
I got one arm into the robe okay. But I had to sit up so she could get the rest of it behind me. She saw me wince and clicked her tongue.
“Oh Nora.” She gestured at her own breasts, though hers were regular size, nothing leaking beneath the mustard-colored dress. “They’re tender? Did they tell you you need to keep them dry? That’s important.”
I told her they did tell me. She saw I had something else to say, and she waited, looking worried. I had just one arm in the robe, but I eased myself back on the pillow.
“Miss Berry. I can’t sign the papers. That’s my daughter. I can’t let her go.”
She stopped smiling. She looked at me for several seconds, then walked back over to the chair by the wall.
She sat in it lightly, her back straight, her ankles crossed and tucked.
This new angle made her harder to look at.
I tried lifting just my head, but that hurt my neck, so I pressed my hands on the mattress and fully propped myself up.
“Please know how much I appreciate all the work you’ve done on my behalf.”
Her eyes dulled. I understood I was going back on our agreement.
But she might have been staring at a wall, not a person, certainly not one of the sweetest girls she’d ever met.
I told her that when I’d said I only wanted to see the baby one time, I’d meant it, but now my heart had changed.
I told her I’d hated that the baby was hurt by forceps because I’d been too afraid to stay awake and help her get born, and now I knew I needed to stay near her, aware and watching.
I wouldn’t be able to bear not knowing if she was hurt again in the future, or if she was unhappy or scared.
“But you would know, Nora.” Miss Berry closed her eyes.
“You’d know because I’ve spent months picking out the best placement possible.
” She opened her eyes and pointed at me.
“Just for you.” She let her hand fall into her lap.
“This couple I’ve selected, they’re the best applicants I’ve ever seen.
And they’re terribly excited. They’ve been waiting, counting down the days. ”
She said all this as if it would change my mind. But I’d already thought about them, this couple with the piano. I felt sorry for them. I bore them no ill will. “They can adopt a different baby,” I said.
“Obviously. Obviously they can adopt a different baby. But I wanted them to have this baby, yours, as a favor to you. That’s why I put in so many extra hours, and told them to just be patient, even when I worried they would throw up their hands and go to another agency.
Because I wanted your baby to have the best placement.
” She pressed her hand against the collar of her dress.
“Don’t you see? All of this for you. Nora. I’ve grown to care for you so much.”
I didn’t know what to say to this. I admired Miss Berry for her beauty and her nice clothes, for her good posture and her office with her name on the door.
I appreciated that she was so much nicer than Mrs. Kilgore.
But that was the extent of my caring. Hearing the quiver in her voice, I felt coldhearted.
She didn’t really matter to me. Not in comparison to the baby.
“Do you know who I really care about?” she asked.
“This baby. I thought you and I had that in common. Where is it you plan to take her? Do you think you can take her back home? Tell your father that you’re sorry about them blowing through their savings trying to help you, as you’ve decided to bring home your illegitimate child? ”
I shook my head. I knew I couldn’t take her home. Even Mae would say no. “There must be some way.” I folded my arms under the ice packs to ease the pressure. “Someone who could help?”
“When you figure out who that is, let me know. Nora, come on. You’ve got to think responsibly. This isn’t a doll. This isn’t a game.”
I felt cold liquid on my arms, melting ice seeping down. I knew the baby wasn’t a doll.
“Could I bring her to Cocoa Beach?” As soon as the words left my mouth, I realized this was the very thing a little girl might ask about a doll.
“Could you ask the woman there, the widow? I could keep her with me at the store when I worked. We could stay in that little room together. Just until I figure out where to go?”
Miss Berry reached up to smooth the damp ends of her hair.
“Let me ask you something,” she said. “Do you really think there’s anything loving or truly maternal about taking a baby to stay in the back room of a charity store just so you can have what you want?
Think with your head. It’s not fair to try to get what you need from a helpless baby.
Nora, I believe you have the capacity to be a mother someday.
And you have plenty of time to have children.
When you’re married, when you’re truly mature, you’ll be able to take and not give. ”
“I don’t care about other children,” I said. “I want her. She’s already born.”
“You don’t know what you want. You don’t even know where you’d take her.
You say you care about her. Do you really want her to grow up without a father, everybody knowing she was born out of wedlock?
Think about when she’s older and the kids at school are shunning her and teasing her.
Think about what you’re throwing away on her behalf.
Stability. Not to mention a father who loves her, who’ll provide for her, not some blow-about who’s long gone.
” She looked hard at me. “Listen to me. This is the one day, the one day of your life that you can’t be selfish. You have to put her first.”
I couldn’t argue with any of this. But I thought of Rochester telling Jane Eyre about the cord he felt between them, a cord knotted under his rib cage. He knew that if it were severed, he’d bleed internally for the rest of his life.
“Did Carol keep her baby?”
She looked so surprised that for a moment, I felt I’d gained something.
“Just to be clear,” she said. “This is blind Carol you’re asking about? You think she’s caring for her illegitimate baby?”
My confidence ebbed. “I know that was her plan.”
“I see. Well. I can’t violate client confidentiality.
I will say that it was my experience, and perhaps yours, that Carol said a lot of things.
I will also say it’s my observation that you believe people easily.
Mrs. Kilgore thought she’d made headway with your psychology, your immaturity, your gullibility. Apparently not.”
With that she stood, holding her briefcase by its handle. I thought at first she would come toward me. But she turned and retrieved her coat.
“You’re leaving?”
She nodded. “I want to catch the clerk before he heads over here. I don’t want to waste his time. I hate wasting people’s time.”
“Then you’ll come back?”
She shook her head. “I’m afraid my day just got more complicated.
After I go to the courthouse, I’ve got to knock on the door of the people who think today is the day they’re finally getting a baby, and I’ve got to tell them that you’ve changed your mind.
They’re going to be devastated. Absolutely devastated.
And very angry with me. But I should tell them in person, and right away. I owe them that, at least.”
She put on her coat. It was a different coat than from the day before, and it was beautiful, dark gray with wide lapels. Even in my panic, I noticed it.
“I wish you the best,” she said. I don’t know if she remembered this was what Mr. Lifton had told me. That Leonard wished me the best.
“You’re not coming back at all?”
She kept buttoning. “I can’t help you anymore. I work in adoptions. It sounds like you’ll need to speak with someone who works in public assistance, aid programs, that sort of thing. I don’t know about all that.”
My breathing quickened. I sat all the way up, scooting back against my pillows. My breasts, cradled in my arms, felt scorched from within. “What do I do now?”
“You mean when you get discharged and you have nowhere to go, and you have a baby with you? I have no idea.” She took her umbrella off the hook and started to walk out.
“Wait,” I said. “Miss Berry!”
She stopped.