22. Ella
22
ELLA
I knew as soon as I woke up that this was going to be the longest day of my life.
Asher was getting married today.
On what was normally a happy and joyous day for family and friends, all I felt was gloom. Today marked the start of his new life, but it also meant the death of his old one. And I had the unfortunate role of being the main character in that storyline.
Why did I have to fall in love with him after he was already engaged? Why couldn’t I have felt this way when he’d confessed his feelings for me? Why did I have to discover way too late that Asher was the one for me?
I covered my face with a pillow and groaned, regret filling my whole body. If I’d been quicker, then Asher and I would be together, and I wouldn’t be losing my best friend. As much as we both wanted to say that nothing would change after his wedding—that we could still be friends—I knew that was a lie. It was just something we told ourselves to make the pain of separation a little more bearable.
Everything had changed. There was no going back. All I could do was grieve and find a way forward. Asher was going to be married, and I was going to be alone.
I didn’t crawl out from under my blankets until the need to pee finally overtook me. I pulled my comforter off and slipped my feet to the floor. I hurried over to my bathroom and started the shower to let the water warm up while I went to the bathroom. If I was going to force myself to get up, then I was going to get clean. My heart may be broken, but my body didn’t have to stink.
I was going to get ready, and then at least I’d look put together while I wallowed.
I stayed in the shower until my fingers were pruney and my skin was bright pink. One nice thing about living in an apartment building, unlimited hot water. I only had to get out of the shower when I wanted to get out. After I turned off the water, I wrapped my hair in a towel and wrapped another one around my body as stepped out onto the plush bathmat I’d picked up when I bought one for Asher.
There were so many things in my apartment that reminded me of him. I was going to make it my priority this week to purge some of them. I needed a fresh start, and bringing my past into my future wasn’t the way to get closure.
I took some time doing self-care. I put on a face mask, plucked my eyebrows, and got things ready to shave my legs. It didn’t matter that I had no intention of going anywhere today. I was going to focus on myself in an effort to survive.
My hands were covered with shaving cream and half my left calf was bare when my phone chimed. I glanced down at it to see that it was a text from Shelby. I positioned my face over my screen as I used my pinky—which had the least amount of shaving cream on it—to swipe up. Once my phone was unlocked, I tapped on Shelby’s text.
Shelby: Asher said that you aren’t the best man anymore?
I scoffed and nodded before sending her a thumbs-up emoji.
Shelby: Everything okay? Do you want to talk?
I shook my head. Talking was the last thing I wanted to do.
Me: No. I’m fine.
It was such an innocuous text, but I knew she was going to see right through it. People who were fine never said I’m fine . That’s a friend red flag. Shelby wasn’t going to accept that answer, but it was all I had the strength to offer her.
Shelby: After the wedding is over, I’m coming by with chocolate and champagne. Be prepared.
My eyes brimmed with tears as I read her message. Minus the fact that she’d mentioned the wedding—my emotions weren’t ready to handle reading that part—I felt a small glimmer of hope. I may be losing Asher as a best friend, but Shelby was certainly determined to step into his place.
I was grateful that she was pushing this friendship. I needed it. And with her around, I had faith that when I finally got out from under this dark cloud, I was going to be okay. Shelby was determined to make sure of it, and I was going to rely on her strength until I could find my own again.
Me: Okay
She didn’t respond. I figured she got distracted with wedding things, which made me happy. I wanted Asher to have the best wedding day possible even if it crushed my heart to think that.
Maybe the only way to survive your best friend’s wedding day was to not think about it anymore. I just needed to forget what was happening.
I finished shaving my legs and rinsed off before I left my bathroom and got dressed. I settled on a pair of yoga pants and an oversized sweatshirt. The one that Asher had picked up for me when he went on a cruise to Alaska with his mom. As soon as I slipped it over my head, I brought the collar to my nose and took in a deep breath.
I was going to miss him so much. I wasn’t ready to let go, but I had to. Reality sucked.
It wasn’t until after one in the afternoon that I decided I couldn’t ignore my grumbling stomach anymore. I was lying on the couch, trying to get lost in the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice , but I just couldn’t focus. Plus, I was starting to feel faint.
I pushed against the couch and stood. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to eat as I made my way into my kitchen. Just as I opened the fridge, there was a knock on my door. I straightened and glanced in its direction.
Did I hear that right?
I shook my head. Shelby and Asher were the only ones who would visit me, and they were both wrapped up in wedding festivities. No, I was just imagining things. I dipped back down to look into the fridge when the knock came again.
I straightened and shut the fridge door. I hadn’t been hearing things. I walked over to the door and peeked through the peephole.
My entire body went numb when I saw Asher. He was standing on the other side of the door in a t-shirt and jeans. His hair was tousled, and he was glancing down the hallway.
What was he doing here? He was supposed to be getting married. Was Coralie with him? Was that what he was looking at? I didn’t want to see either of them. I was torn as to what to do.
His gaze made its way back to my door, and he raised his hand and knocked again. I stood there, frozen. I wanted to open the door, but there was a part of me that feared what would happen if I did.
“What do you want, Asher?” I asked as I reached out and touched the door.
Silence. “Ella?”
I nodded, tears brimming my eyes. “Yes,” I said, my voice hoarse.
“I need to talk to you.”
I closed my eyes, a tear slipping down my cheek. “Why are you here? You’re getting married.”
“Please, open the door.”
My heart was at war with my head. I wanted to open the door. I wanted to run to him. But I feared that my heart would not survive the rejection when he walked away to marry another woman.
“Ella, please.”
I opened my eyes and stared at the door. Then I took a step forward and peeked through the peephole once more. Asher was standing closer to the door now, his head dipped down like he didn’t want to miss anything I might say.
I wanted to turn and walk away, but I didn’t have the strength to move. I wiped my tears and sniffled as I prepared myself for whatever he was going to say. Then I reached over to release the deadbolt and unlock the handle so I could turn it.
I slowly opened the door to reveal Asher standing there. He was facing the door now, his shoulders sagged and his eyebrows drawn together as his gaze met mine. He studied me for a moment before he slowly lifted up a Mr. Cheng’s bag. “Hungry?”
I scoffed and fought back the tears as I folded my arms across my chest.
“I got honey shrimp, chicken lo mein, egg rolls, and fried rice.” Then he lifted his right hand to reveal another bag. “And banana taffy and Dr. Pepper.”
I studied him. Why was he doing this? Of course he knew my favorites, he’d been my best friend for so long. But that didn’t matter now. He was getting married. He should be buying those things for Coralie, not me.
“Where’s Coralie?” I whispered. I half expected her to pop out from the shadows to glare at me once more.
He dropped the bags to his sides. “Probably on her way back to New York,” he said before he slowly raised his gaze to meet mine. “I’m not marrying her.”
“What?” I asked, my body literally rejecting the words I thought I heard him say. I’d misheard him…right?
“Can I come in?” he asked as he took a small step toward me.
I blinked a few times, trying to keep my tears at bay. My brain was struggling to keep up with what he was saying, but I also didn’t want to have a mental breakdown where all of my neighbors could see, so I nodded and stepped to the side so he could come in. He paused as if to ask me if it was okay for him to continue. I nodded and offered him a soft smile.
He made his way to the kitchen and set the bags down on the counter. I shut the door and then followed after him. I wasn’t sure what to do once he turned around and leaned against the counter with his feet extended in front of him and his arms folded across his chest.
He held my gaze for a moment before he turned his attention to his feet. He took a deep breath and then scrubbed his face with his hand.
I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to speak first, and in all honesty I didn’t know what to say. I was so confused as to why he was here with me instead of getting ready for his wedding.
“Coralie and I aren’t getting married,” he whispered as he slowly brought his gaze to meet mine.
“Oh?” I asked. Did I dare hope that this meant what I so desperately wanted it to mean? “Why?”
He studied me. “Because I’m not in love with her, and I’m pretty sure she’s not in love with me.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“It’s not your fault. Her dad was sick. I wanted to…” His voice drifted off as he dropped his gaze to the floor once more and took another deep breath. “It seemed like I was messing everything up, and I wanted to do something right for once.” He met my gaze. “I wanted the people I love to be happy.”
I reveled in the sound of the word love on his lips. It caused Shelby’s words to echo in my mind. He’d never actually said that word out loud. Was he including me in that statement? Was it the kind of love that I felt for him?
“But making myself unhappy wasn’t the answer.”
“It’s not,” I agreed, shaking my head.
He held my gaze, and I could feel all the things he wanted to ask but was too scared to. I understood that fear. It matched my own.
“Ella, please tell me that the kiss last night didn’t mean anything. If you can just say those words to me again, I’ll be able to walk away. I’ll be able to move on.” His gaze intensified. “But if it did mean something, please put me out of my misery.”
The memory of his lips on mine washed over me. I wanted to forget how kissing him felt, but it was seared into my soul. It didn’t just mean something, it meant everything.
Tears brimmed my eyes once more. I was tired of fighting this. I was tired of trying to figure out my relationship with Asher. I wanted to jump in with two feet. I was going to be honest no matter what happened after this.
“It meant something to me,” I whispered as a tear slipped down my cheek.
Asher stared at me as if he wasn’t sure he’d heard me right. Not wanting him to second-guess what I’d said, I closed the space between us. I reached down and grabbed his hand before bringing it up to press it against my lips. I could feel him watching me.
“I’m in love with you,” I said as I lifted my gaze to meet his.
“What?” he asked, his voice deep and hoarse.
“I love you. As more than just a friend. I love, love you. I want to be with you.”
He straightened so that he was towering over me. He reached up and cupped my cheek. He held my gaze as he lifted his thumb and slowly dragged it across my lips. It sent shivers cascading across my skin.
“You love me?” he asked, searching my face.
“I love you.” My gaze turned shy as I held his. “Do you love me?”
He dipped down and brushed his lips against mine. His kiss was featherlight. I leaned into him, but he pulled back so he could study me once more.
“I’ve loved you for so long. I tried to stop. I wanted to do what you asked, but I couldn’t.”
A tear slid down my cheek, but he caught it with his thumb.
“Ella, I was ready to tell you that I was going to wait. That I would be here for you no matter what. I didn’t think that you’d ever say…” He closed his eyes and tipped his forehead to meet mine.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and rose up onto my tiptoes. My lips found his, and this time I kissed him with every ounce of feeling I had. I wanted to show him how he made me feel. I was so lucky to fall in love with my best friend.
Our lips moved in unison like this was a song we’d been waiting to sing. He wrapped his arm around my waist and lifted me up before turning and setting me down on the counter. I wrapped my legs around his waist and my arms around his shoulders as I drew him to me.
I felt so complete, pressed against him. He wrapped both arms around me. My entire body warmed from his touch. I parted my lips, and he met me with the same passion and desperation that I felt for him.
This was the man I loved. The man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. This was the man I wanted to marry. The man I wanted to father my children.
He was my person. My everything.
The desire to hear once more how he felt about me took over. I pulled away from the kiss, my ragged breathing matching his as we stared at each other. I lifted my hand up and ran my fingers across his chest before I pressed my hand to his heart.
“Tell me you love me again,” I whispered.
He leaned forward, his gaze never wavering from mine. He rested both hands on the counter on either side of me.
“I love you,” he whispered before he pressed his lips to the tip of my nose. “I love you,” he said again, this time kissing one cheek and then the other. “I love you,” he said, as he pressed a light kiss to my lips.
“I love you,” I murmured as his lips captured mine.
He paused before he pulled back to study me. “Promise?” he asked.
I nodded. “I promise.”
His lips found mine once more, and this time, we kissed without hesitation. We were both finally home. Together.
Asher was mine and I was his. And nothing would ever come between us again.