25. Nadia
25
NADIA
The sound of a toilet flushing in the stall beside me perfectly encapsulated the previous week; it was shitty and had gone down the drain. After spending what I thought was the most intimate, mind-blowing night with Callum, his ex showed up, and we hadn’t seen or spoken to each other since. Coincidence? No. Probably not. A blow to my ego, pride, and heart? Yes.
Which was how I ended up hiding in the bathroom, obsessing over a text I received from Callum this morning. I stared down at it and read it for the fiftieth time. I was deadlocked over whether or not I should message him back.
Callum: Are you free tonight? I want to talk.
Those last four words caused a cement block to form in my stomach that had been weighing me down all day.
Why did Callum want to talk to me?
Did he want to tell me he loved me?
Did he want to tell me he never stopped loving me?
Did he want to tell me that not a single day had passed that he didn’t think about me?
Did he want to tell me that he couldn’t go another day without me being his and us being together?
No. I didn’t think so.
Felicity was back in town, and it looked like she was here to stay. The other half of the ‘it’s complicated’ relationship. The woman he’d gotten down on one knee for. The person he’d asked to spend the rest of his life with. The woman he shared an entire human being with was back with her family.
How could I compete with that? I couldn’t. I should be happy for them. Other people—better people—would be happy for them. I was not, which was why I had ignored Callum’s text all day.
Tonight was not going to be about us. Tonight, Callum was going to come over to discuss damage control. Tonight, Callum was going to ask if I could keep our secret rendezvous just that—a secret —so it didn’t get back to his Instagram-model-fiancée-baby-mama. Tonight, Callum was going to let me know that he and Felicity were going to try and make things work because they had a family together, and what happened between us was a mistake.
Which was fine. He had every right to do that. He didn’t owe me anything. There’d been no promises made. Not even any implied. We’d just done what we always did; we got caught up in the moment.
Who could blame us? The energy between us was supercharged. When we were together, if we were having a disagreement, or we were being playful, or we were within five feet of one another, our chemistry was like a match head rubbing against a striking surface; it was combustible.
What we should have done, what I should have done to protect myself, was sit down and have a mature, adult conversation about what it would mean if the two of us got physical. The truth was, even before he told me he didn’t want to leave and that he wanted to kiss me, I was all in. I didn’t just get swept up in the moment. On my part, at least, our sexy time was premeditated. I consciously dove into the deep end of the live-in-the-moment pool headfirst. I didn’t want to ruin the moment by Barbara Walter-ing it and asking the tough questions.
I didn’t need Callum to be Jerry Maguire and crash a group therapy session to have me at hello. He had me by simply existing. There was never going to be a world where I wouldn’t want to have sex with Callum, no matter the consequences. Even if it destroyed me, I was his, for better or worse. I may not have made those vows to him; there was no legal document on record, but that didn’t make it any less true. I knew I was pathetic, and I wasn’t proud of it, but that was just the truth. I’d denied it, ignored it, and tried to numb myself to it for years, but it was time to face it and then, hopefully, get over it.
With a heavy sigh and a tiny violin of self-pity playing for myself, I texted back, letting Callum know what time I’d be home and that, sure, we could talk. There was no reason to postpone the inevitable. Might as well get this conversation over with. The only silver lining in this was no one, other than Amos, who only suspected, actually knew we’d done the dirty deed. As far as anyone else in this town was concerned, Callum and I had not gotten intimately re-acquainted since he’d been back. My heartbreak and humiliation would be contained to me, myself, and I.
After pressing send, I stood up from the toilet where I’d been sitting fully dressed for the past ten minutes and wiped my eyes. I’d been hiding in the bathroom at Artistic Horizons, feeling sorry for myself, long enough. I could have a proper woe-is-me bash tonight with a glass (bottle) of wine and trash reality TV marathon after Callum ripped the it’s-not-you-it’s-me Band-Aid off that was currently holding the pieces of my shattered heart together.
Was I being dramatic? Sure. But in fairness to me, he was the only man I’d ever loved. Typically, I ran through men like a college football team charging through a banner onto the field on game day; confident, fast, head-on, and ready to attack. But with Callum, I was in full-fledged fight or flight mode, and I’d sprouted wings that were flapping away. I wanted to avoid, avoid, avoid, which is why we’d been playing phone tag for the past week. I’d been too scared to pick up his call.
Getting over Callum the first time was hard. It nearly broke me, even though I’d been the one to end it. The only thing that got me through it was knowing I’d done it for him. I’d sacrificed my happiness so that he could be happy. I put him first, not wanting him to throw his life away just to stay in Firefly with me while I cared for my mom. It was the most loving thing I could possibly do for him. That knowledge was what enabled me to survive that heartbreak.
This time, I wasn’t sure I could handle it. I had to prepare myself to hear him tell me he didn’t want to be with me because his feelings had changed; he loved Felicity and wanted to work things out with her, which, of course, he did. Not only was she supermodel hot, but they had a much more serious relationship than ours. They were adults with adult love; we were kids with puppy love. They had a human child together. We were ‘parents’ to an egg we shared for a week in our health class, which we broke on the third day. Jana Kramer said it best in her song, “She Got the Boy, I Got the Man,” except I was the she in the situation, and Felicity was the I, I got the boy, she got the man.
Logically, it would make sense that he would want to be with Felicity and sweep our night together under the rug. Regretfully, my heart and logic weren’t on speaking terms at the moment, so I was pretty sure my ticker wouldn’t take anything that logic had to say into consideration before shattering into a million pieces.
After washing my hands and cleaning up the mascara that had smudged beneath my eyes so I didn’t look like I was cosplaying Rocket Racoon from Guardians of the Galaxy , I went back out to the front desk. As hard as I tried to concentrate on work, all I could think about was the conversation that Callum and I were going to have tonight. The harder I tried not to think about it, the more I obsessed over it. Thankfully, I only had about twenty more minutes until five o’clock when the kids came out of the studio to wait in the lobby for their ride.
When the clock finally hit five, I sighed a breath of relief. At this point, I just wanted to get the conversation with Callum over. One by one, kids began to get picked up. I was speaking to Roger Luden about his daughter Stella, who was a student in my class at Firefly Elementary, when the glass door opened and Felicity walked in. Like the first time I saw her, I was stunned by her beauty, but this time, I was also struck by her style. This woman was dripping in designer brands. She had on yoga pants with a matching top, which I’m sure were Lululemon because they were the best, and since she’d paired her casual wear with a Hermès Birkin bag, Van Cleef bracelet, Cartier sunglasses, and Balenciaga trainers, I would guess she preferred the finer things. She was wearing more than what my grandfather’s house was worth.
The past week, Nora had been dropping Matty and Chloe off at the afterschool program and picking them up, but today, Felicity was here. I hadn’t seen her since the morning after I was with Callum. I wondered if her second appearance had anything to do with the invitation I’d received from him asking to see me tonight. I didn’t know how the two could be related, but every time I saw the woman, it was clear she had an agenda, whether it was to plant her flag and stake her claim or try to repel me. If she were a skunk, I would be covered in her spray, smelling like rotten eggs and cabbage.
I smiled in an attempt to be friendly, but she looked right through me as if I didn’t even exist.
“Let’s go,” she instructed Matty and Chloe.
Besides blanking me, I noted that she didn’t smile when she saw Matty or Chloe. I considered myself open-minded and tried not to judge parents or people in general, for that matter. For one thing, I wasn’t a parent myself, so who the hell was I to say anything? But it did bother me whenever a kid’s face lit up to see their parents, and the parents looked indifferent, or even worse, irritated at their child’s enthusiastic greeting.
“Bye, guys!” I smiled and waved as the kids walked by, hoping to offset Felicity’s chilly demeanor and detached expression.
I knew, of course, that I couldn’t replace Matty’s mom’s affection or the loss of Chloe’s mom, but if they both knew there was someone happy to see them, then maybe it would help even the balance in their emotional bank.
“I’m not going with you,” Chloe stated defiantly.
“Excuse me?” Felicity’s tone turned from chilly to ice cold.
“I said, I am not going home with you.” Chloe spoke each word slowly and deliberately in a mocking fashion, then turned to me and sweetly asked, “Can you take me to Kendall's?”
“Oh, um, I don’t…” I glanced between Felicity and Chloe, then down at Matty, then back to Chloe, and over to Felicity again. “Is it okay with?—”
“Do whatever you want.” Felicity took Matty’s hand and practically dragged him out of the building.
“Bye, Matty.” I waved as the door shut.
Chloe helped Ashley clean the classrooms up while the rest of the parents picked up their kids and I finished up some paperwork. While Chloe was in the back, I messaged Callum to make sure it was okay that I took her to Kendall’s. Even though Felicity had agreed to it, sort of, I didn’t feel right about taking her anywhere without Callum’s permission. He responded, saying it was fine, and about fifteen minutes later, Chloe and I were headed to Kendall’s.
On the ride over, Chloe remained silent. The past week, I’d noticed a few concerning changes in her. She was isolating herself and not being social. I hadn’t seen her smile once. She barely interacted with her friends, and when she did, it looked like she would rather be having a root canal. I kept telling myself it was because her mom just died, but I was wondering if something else was bothering her. I wanted to ask her if she was okay, but that was a stupid question. Of course, she wasn’t okay. She missed her mom. She was living with people she barely knew. It was a lot to adjust to.
Even though I’d only known Chloe a short time, I cared about her, a lot. I saw myself in her, except she was having to go through so much more at her age than I did.
We were only a few blocks from Kendall’s house, and I didn’t want her to get out without me saying anything. I took a breath as I pulled up to a stop sign.
“Chloe.”
She looked over at me, and the pain in her eyes caused my chest to ache.
“I really want to ask you if you’re okay, but I know that’s a stupid question. I’ve been trying to figure out what the right question or thing to say is, but I’m not coming up with anything. We’re going to be at Kendall’s soon, but I just want you to know that I’m here if you ever want to talk about anything . Day or night, you can call me or show up at my door. I’m here for you. This is a safe place, a judgment-free zone. You can say whatever you want. And no matter what happens or where life takes us, I’ll always be here for you; nothing will change that.”
Her cheek hollowed as she bit the inside of her mouth, then turned to look out the window again. As I pulled away from the stop sign, I wondered if I should have just kept my mouth shut. Maybe she felt like I was getting in her business too much or overstepping a boundary. What if I just made matters worse, and she retreated into her turtle shell even further?
My mind was still asking what-ifs when Chloe blurted out, “She is the worst !”
It took me a second to figure out what or who she was talking about, and I still wasn’t completely sure.
“Felicity?” I asked to confirm my assumption.
“Yes, Felicity!”
I did not see that coming. I assumed Chloe would’ve been thrilled that her brother was with Felicity for the social media reach alone. Plus, I assumed with the influencing they would have something in common. Chloe was always doing TikToks, and Felicity had nearly two million TikTok followers.
“All she does is talk about herself. It doesn’t matter what anyone says; she finds a way to make the story about her,” Chloe continued. “She is so condescending to Nora and Buzz, but she tries to pretend she’s being nice. Like she says, the farm is so rustic and quaint , and she admires how they live such a simple life, but she’s really insulting them.
“And she only spends time with Matty when she wants to post him on her social media. If he asks her to read him a book, play a game, color with him, or go outside to ride bikes or see Shadow and the chickens, and it’s not something she’s going to post, she ignores him or says she’s tired, but then I’ll hear her in the room doing a makeup tutorial or a clothes haul. She’s only a parent to him when she wants to use him as a prop.”
She took a breath and barreled on, “She treats my brother like he’s her personal assistant. She asks him to get her water when she can get it herself. She asks him to chauffeur her around even though he works full time. She goes shopping every day and refuses to bring her bags in from the car. If Callum’s not home, she asks Buzz to do it. Which I won’t let him do, so I do it. She’s awful. I’m not going to live with her. I can’t.”
I could see how scared, angry, and sad she was. There was so much emotion in her eyes.
“Have you talked to your brother about this?” I asked as we pulled up in front of Kendall’s house.
“No. Why would I? She’s Matty’s mom.” Chloe grabbed her backpack. “It doesn’t matter what I think.”
She reached for the door, and not knowing what else to say, I apologized, “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” she asked as she looked back at me.
“For shitty, self-absorbed, narcissistic, asshole people.” I didn’t say any names, so technically, I wasn’t badmouthing Matty’s mom. If anyone took it that way, I would just ask why they thought I was talking about her.
Chloe’s lips twitched, and then a small grin pulled at the edges. She leaned over, gave me a quick hug, and then hopped out. I waited until she got into the house before I drove away. All day, no, scratch that, all week, I’d been so worried about what was going to happen with me and Callum when the truth was, whatever did happen was up to us. We were both adults who could make our own decisions. We had control, something Chloe had none of.
Chloe was a child. She lost her mom. Then she had to move in with a brother who, for all intents and purposes, was a stranger into her father’s home whom she never knew, with his wife and father, which had to be intimidating. Just when she was getting used to her new environment, her soon to be sister-in-law showed up and disrupted the fragile ecosystem that they’d built.
As I drove home to have my talk with Callum, I wasn’t nervous about what he was going to tell me anymore. I was nervous about what I should tell him. Someone had to advocate for Chloe, and even if it made me look like a crazy jealous ex, then so be it. Honestly, it was pretty on-brand for me.