Chapter 27
27
I’d told Rosie I’d join her in the riding stables on Monday morning but the sound of the rain battering against the windows woke me up before my alarm clock sounded and I was very tempted to wriggle further under the duvet and stay there. Rosie wouldn’t have minded me being a no-show. She’d made it clear that she loved my company and appreciated the help but there was never any obligation to turn up, even if I’d said I would. That didn’t sit well with me. A promise was a promise and it wasn’t like a bit of rain was going to do me any damage.
I wrapped up in my waterproof and reached for a golf brolly in a holder by the front door but changed my mind on hearing the wind outside. An umbrella would be turned inside out in no time.
It was a trudge across the estate to the stables at the far side. The quickest route was along one of the forest tracks but it would be very muddy and I wasn’t convinced that a short cut through the woods in high winds was the best idea. As I hastened along the path at the edge of the woods, avoiding the puddles, I wondered if this was the type of weather that triggered Alice’s PTSD. I hoped she was okay today.
‘Good morning!’ Rosie called cheerfully. ‘You decided to brave the weather.’
‘It’s wild out there. I was sorely tempted to hide indoors.’
‘Me too. I don’t mind the rain but I don’t like it when it’s windy too.’
We discussed what I could do to help her that morning and I set about working.
‘I was thinking about your mum on the way down,’ I said when we took a break a little later. ‘Is this the type of rain that can trigger an episode for her?’
‘Exactly this. It wasn’t windy that night but it was this sort of torrential rain. I used to feel so on edge any time it was like this. Mam hasn’t had an episode since she left Applevale Lodge but it doesn’t mean she won’t, so I stopped by the cottage first thing this morning. She was up and she was okay. My dad tends to stay over when heavy rain’s forecast and it really helps having him there. He’s such a calming presence.’
The phrase jolted me. My mum used to say that about Flynn, that he made the perfect partner for me because he was the sunshine to my storm, able to calm me when the fire inside me burned out of control. It was true, but that was because Flynn had a gift for helping me see that whatever I’d got het up about didn’t really matter in the great scheme of things. Until that time when it did.
Rosie and I returned to our work and my phone buzzed with a message.
From Georgia
Johnnie just rang. Keira’s gone into labour and it’s advancing fast. They’re on their way to the hospital now. Keira’s fine, taking it all in her stride x
It was Keira’s due date today and, although Astrid had been two weeks late, it hadn’t followed that Arlo would be the same. My stomach tightened and a feeling of melancholy cloaked me. I knew why – because it was Monday and Noah had been born on a Monday. It angered me that it bothered me, just like it had angered me when I’d reacted badly to the news that my niece was expecting a boy. What had I just been saying to Mum on Friday about not needing any professional help? Maybe I did because having a negative reaction to my great-nephew being born on the same day of the week as my son wasn’t rational.
‘Anything else you need help with?’ I asked Rosie when I’d completed the tasks she’d given me.
‘No, you can head off now. I’d come with you but I’m going to check on Mam again.’
‘Say hi from me and say hi to Autumn when you see her later.’ The riding stables were closed on a Monday but Rosie gave Autumn a riding lesson. She’d offered me lessons too but I’d never fancied riding. I thought horses were beautiful creatures and I was thoroughly enjoying being around them, but heaving myself into a saddle and riding one held no appeal.
‘What a numpty I am! Nearly forgot to say! We’re skipping the ride cos of the weather and wondered if you’d like to join us for lunch at The White Willow.’
If she’d asked me before I got Georgia’s message, I’d have said an enthusiastic yes but now I knew I wouldn’t be good company so better to dip out than bring them both down.
‘I’d have loved to but Keira’s gone into labour. I want to get ahead with a couple of my other projects so I can take time out to meet the new baby.’
‘Aw, how lovely. I hope everything goes well and I’ll see you back at the house later.’
I pulled my waterproof back on, waved goodbye and left the stables, my mood as dark as the stormy skies overhead.
* * *
Back at the hall, I hung up my wet clothes to dry and warmed up in the shower. When I settled down to work I couldn’t concentrate so I went downstairs, made a coffee and took it into the library. I’d fallen in love with this room and was so glad we were going to preserve it. With the fire lit, I curled up on one of the sofas with my favourite architecture book.
It was mid-afternoon when a message came through on the family WhatsApp.
From Johnnie
Arlo Nathaniel Randall is here! Born at 1.19p.m. weighing 8lb 1oz. Everything went smoothly and Keira and Arlo should be home this evening. We’d love to introduce him to you all but it would be great if you could give us a couple of days to get settled in first.
The same weight as Noah! What were the odds? Different time of day, though. Noah had been a teatime baby. Johnnie’s message was accompanied by a photo of Keira with Arlo snuggled against her and my breath caught. It was exactly like the photo I’d had when Noah was born. In fact, I could easily be looking at myself. Georgia and I looked very similar and Keira looked just like her mum so, by default, bore a strong likeness to me.
I really didn’t want to get upset. This was a happy moment and Arlo was not Noah. Keira was not me. These were two very separate things, but that didn’t stop a few tears escaping. I tensed when I heard the sound of dog paws skidding on the floor outside. I hadn’t heard Rosie arrive home, although the front door was so far away and the walls so solid that I never did. She pushed the door open and caught me wiping my cheeks.
‘Are you okay?’ she asked, her expression concerned.
‘They’re happy tears. My great-nephew has arrived.’
I passed Rosie my phone so she could see the photo.
‘He’s so cute. Gosh, Keira looks so like you in this photo.’
That released another tear, which I swiped away.
‘Did I say the wrong thing?’ Rosie asked, sitting down on the sofa beside me. She looked so genuinely concerned for me and it felt like the right time.
‘They’re not just happy tears,’ I admitted. ‘Yes, Keira does look the spit of me in this photo and it’s an almost exact match for one I had when my son was born.’
‘Your son? I didn’t realise you had any children.’
‘Just the one – Noah – but he died when he was eighteen from a drug overdose.’ It still felt so alien saying those words – partly because I didn’t usually tell new people and partly because I still couldn’t believe my son had been a drug user.
‘Oh, no! I’m so sorry.’
‘His dad and I had no idea he was in with a bad crowd and had got into drugs. I wanted answers – someone to blame – and it drove a wedge between us. I lost my son but I also lost my husband soon after. We had such a good marriage, you know. Never thought we’d end up divorced.’
‘That’s a lot to handle all at once.’
‘It was and the truth is I didn’t handle it well at all. Anyway, Keira having a boy born on the same day of the week as Noah, weighing the same as him and looking like him in the photo has brought it all rushing back, which is why I’m in here reading instead of working.’
‘Do you want to talk some more about it?’ Rosie asked.
It was so kind of her to offer, but that was hardly a surprise as everything Rosie had done since I’d met her had been kind. She was such a lovely person – as were all her friends and family – and I’d held back on them, not sharing the most important things there were to know about me for fear they might look at me differently. But they weren’t like that and opening up just now hadn’t been nearly as hard as I’d anticipated. Any other day and I might have accepted her offer but I was feeling a little too fragile today.
I smiled at her gratefully. ‘Thank you, and I might take you up on that one day, but I’d prefer a distraction today. Tell me something to cheer me up. Any more news about Autumn and Dane’s books?’
‘Nothing new since the contract was signed, but I do have some good news from Mam and Dad. He’s moving in with her.’
‘Aw, that’s lovely news. At Horseshoe Cottage?’
‘Yes. I don’t think I could have wished for a better partner for her because he completely gets it. He’s got this big house in Grasmere which he loves, but he loves Mam more. He knows that this is the place she feels happiest and safest so he’s willing to sell up and downsize massively for her.’
‘Sounds like true love.’
‘As I understand it, it was true love from the moment they met and, if people hadn’t interfered and lied, he’d never have left. He says they’re magnets and they were pulled apart when they shouldn’t have been but the connection was so strong that they were always going to be drawn back to each other. Isn’t that sweet?’
I nodded my agreement, smiling at her. Magnets. Where had I heard that phrase recently? And then it came back to me. It was when Mum had asked me over the phone why I’d split up with Graeme. I’d said we’d wanted different things and she’d suggested that the ‘thing’ I wanted was Flynn and that he was my magnet.
Was he?
* * *
Later that evening, I was in bed reading when there was a knock on my door.
‘Would you like some more good news?’ Rosie asked when I called to her to come in.
‘Always.’
‘Autumn’s just FaceTimed me. Dane asked her to marry him tonight.’
‘Oh, wow! That’s fantastic news.’
‘Isn’t it? I’m so pleased for them both. It’s exactly two years today since she arrived in Willowdale to stay with me. Dane cycled past as she was driving into the village and he was captivated by her. Autumn coming here completely changed both of their lives so proposing on the anniversary was perfect.’
‘That’s so lovely. Did she have any idea he was going to ask her?’
‘She hadn’t a clue. The plan was always to get married at some point but they wanted to focus on securing a publishing deal first.’
After Rosie left, I picked up my book once more, but I didn’t open it. Autumn and Dane were a great couple and I was so pleased for them. How lovely that Autumn hadn’t seen it coming. Flynn’s proposal had taken me by surprise too and he’d also gone for an anniversary – my twenty-fourth birthday and exactly a year since we met. We’d taken the day off work and planned a hike up nearby Blencathra if the weather was kind, which it was – blue skies and sunshine but not too hot. Blencathra, also known as Saddleback thanks to its shape, was one of the most northerly fells in the National Park and, with an elevation of 868 metres, was also one of the highest. We set off in the morning with a picnic lunch and were a good hour into our walk when Flynn spotted a Scrabble tile on the track. Amused to see that it was the letter ‘M’ for Mel, I slipped it into my pocket. A little later, we spotted another one – an ‘R’ this time. By the time we made it to the summit, I’d picked up six Scrabble tiles.
Flynn and I paused by the summit stone – an engraved stone ring on the ground – to admire the incredible views across nearby Keswick, Derwent Water and several other Cumbrian fells, and further afield to the Cheviots in Northumberland and the Southern Uplands of Scotland. Despite the beautiful weather, there was quite a breeze so we dropped down a little to a more sheltered point for our lunch.
‘Can you spell anything with those Scrabble letters?’ Flynn asked after we’d eaten.
I removed the tiles from my pocket and spread them across my left palm.
‘I’ve got an M, R, E, L, another M and a Y. Ooh! I can spell my name.’ I laid one of the Ms, the E and the L together on the ground. ‘And the word “me” if I take the L away, but I think that’s it. Not enough vowels for anything else.’
‘What if you had four more letters?’
I looked up at him, my eyebrows knitted. What was he up to? ‘That’s very specific. Do you happen to have four more letters?’
‘I might have. Close your eyes and put your other hand out.’
I did as instructed and felt him place some more tiles on my right palm.
‘Open them.’
I glanced down at the letters. ‘Another M, another R, an A and an E.’
‘What can you spell now?’
‘Arm,’ I said.
‘Anything else?’
Suddenly I saw it. If I moved the A and the R from my right hand to join the M, R and Y in my left hand… My heart was pounding as I looked up at Flynn.
‘Show me,’ he said.
With shaky hands, I formed the two words on the ground above my name to create a short but wonderful sentence.
MARRY ME MEL
When I looked up at him once more, he was holding out a ring box in front of him. Dipping one knee to the ground, he opened up the box and I laughed at the wooden Scrabble tile inside with a heart drawn onto it and the infinity symbol at the bottom right instead of a letter value.
‘I love you, Mel. Always have and always will so, if you’ll accept it, here’s my heart which will be yours forever.’
I couldn’t speak. Flynn had done several romantic things over the year we’d been together, but this eclipsed them all. Blinking back happy tears as I nodded, I removed the heart tile.
‘There’s something else that belongs in this box.’ He removed a ring from his pocket and held it out towards me. ‘Will you marry me, Mel?’
I swear I floated back down Blencathra on cloud nine that afternoon. I asked Flynn whether he’d been worried about me sussing what he was doing before we made it to the summit but he’d laughed and pointed out my inability to notice anything subtle.
‘Even if the tiles had spelt out marry me in order, I still don’t think you’d have realised.’
He was very likely right about that. He’d been right about a lot of things and, when it counted, I hadn’t wanted to listen. I’d walked away instead.
Sitting on my bed in Willowdale Hall twenty-nine years later, I felt overcome with emotion as I remembered that special day. I still had all of those Scrabble tiles in a velvet pouch in my jewellery box.
I scrambled out of bed and opened my desk drawer, removing the piece of paper Flynn had given me a little over three weeks ago. Should I arrange to meet him? What would I say if I did? Sorry seemed so inadequate. I shoved the paper back in the drawer, shaking my head. I was only thinking about it because I was feeling emotional right now and I might regret it later. There were far too many things I regretted which I’d done in the throes of heightened emotion. Best wait a bit longer.