27 Cassius #2
Group moves on after that. It has to. Other people need their turn, and I’ve already taken up too much time. I don’t hear much after. I sit there with Dr. Malik’s question stuck under my skin.
Whose answer are you using?
Zae’s face keeps flashing behind it. She’d looked breakable. She’d sounded impossible. That’s the worst part about Zae. She can be falling apart and still make me feel like I’m the one losing the fight.
Group ends with chairs scraping and people standing in the awkward way we always do after saying too much around each other. Nobody knows whether to nod, hug, run, or pretend we didn’t all just hear each other’s insides hit the floor.
Ghost stands, then pauses in front of me.
“You staying?”
“Yeah.”
He nods once. I wait for him to leave. He doesn’t.
“What?”
“You going to answer her when she comes?”
My fingers curl. “Don’t start.”
“Wasn’t.”
“You were about to.”
“Yeah.”
I stare at him. He stares back. Ghost is good at that, looking at someone until the silence unsettles them.
“She’s coming back,” he says.
“I know.”
“She sounds determined.”
I huff. “She is.”
His eyes move over my face. “You love her.”
My throat tightens before I can stop it, so I look away. Ghost taps two fingers against the back of my chair.
“Stay after,” he says. “Tell him the part you didn’t say.”
Then he leaves. No goodbye. No speech. Just that. I sit there while everyone filters out around me. Dr. Malik talks quietly to someone by the door, then waits until the room empties. When the door finally closes, the silence feels different.
Dr. Malik sits back down across from me. I keep staring at the fake plant. Its leaves are dusty. I don’t know why that bothers me.
“What’s the part you didn’t say?” he asks.
Of course he heard Ghost.
I press my palms against my thighs and lean forward. For a second, I think about lying, giving him some smaller truth.
I’m scared.
I don’t trust myself.
I want to protect her.
All of that is true. None of it is the part sitting at the bottom of my chest.
I swallow once. “I want her to come back to me.”
The words feel bad leaving my mouth, because they’re not wrong but they’re selfish. Dr. Malik says nothing, so I keep going before I can stop.
“I want her to show up and tell me I’m wrong. I want her to be stubborn enough for both of us because I don’t know how to do this. I want her to look at me like she still sees me and not whatever the hell I’m scared I am.” My hands curl against my thighs. “And I hate that.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m supposed to be thinking about what’s best for her.”
“You are.” My head lifts, meeting his gaze. “You are thinking about what is best for her. You’re also afraid your fear is the only trustworthy thing you have.”
He pauses for a second, staring at me before he continues. Like he’s gauging if he can. “Cass, taking your anger seriously is important. You know that. I know that. Zae seems to know that too. But taking it seriously does not mean treating yourself like you’ve already done something you haven’t.”
My throat tightens again, threatening to cut me off. “I almost did.”
“Yes,” he says. “And that matters. So does what happened after. Did you deny it?”
“No.”
“Did you blame her?”
My face twists. “No.”
“Did you keep putting yourself in the same situation without support?”
“No.”
“What did you do?”
“I came here.”
“And?”
I rub both hands over my face. “I kept coming.”
“And?”
“I talked about it.”
“And?”
My jaw flexes with all his ands. “I left her.”
Dr. Malik pauses finally as I drop my hands.
His voice stays quiet. “That is the part we are looking at.”
Something ugly moves in my chest. “I didn’t do it to punish her.”
“I believe you.”
“I didn’t do it because I wanted space.”
“I understand.”
“I did it because I can’t be the reason she gets hurt.”
Dr. Malik nods once. “And now she is hurt.”
The words hit hard enough to make me look away fast.
I know that.
God, I know that.
I see it every time I close my eyes. Zae standing in her room. Zae reaching for me. Zae’s hand stopping in the air when I stepped back. The worst part was not her crying. It was that. The way I showed her I could move away from her when she needed me close. My breath catches, and I hate it.
Dr. Malik gives me a second. I use it badly.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”
“What do you want to do?”
“Does that matter?”
“Yes.”
“It shouldn’t.”
“But it does.”
I shake my head once. “I want to see her.”
“That’s a start.”
“I always want to see her.”
“What else?”
I stare down at my hands.
I want to touch her.
I want to apologize.
I want to tell her I love her so much it threatens to kill me.
I want to let her win.
I want to stop being scared for five damn minutes and just be the person she thinks I am.
“I want to believe her,” I finally answer.
Dr. Malik’s face softens, but not in a pitying way. “About what?”
“That I can be angry and not hurt her.”
He lets the words sit there. The room is quiet enough that I can hear the air kick on through the vent overhead.
“That seems important,” he says.
I give a rough laugh that is not a laugh. “That’s all you’ve got?”
“For now.”
“Helpful.”
His mouth turns up slightly. “You don’t need me to tell you what to say to Zae. You know her better than I do.”
“Yeah. That’s part of the problem.”
“How?”
“She knows when I’m full of shit.”
“That sounds inconvenient.”
“It is.”
He leans back in his chair. “Maybe don’t be full of shit when you see her.”
I stare at him. He looks too calm for a man who just said that to me.
“Is that your professional advice?”
“It is today.”
I almost smile, but it does not make it all the way. My phone buzzes in my pocket. My whole body reacts before my head catches up. I pull it out too fast
Mama.
Not Zae.
My chest drops in a way I’m not proud of.
Mama:
Are you alive?
Mama:
Never mind. You probably are. You’re just avoiding me because I’m right.
Mama:
Call your mother before I show up on campus and embarrass you publicly.
“I need to go.”
He nods. “Okay.”
I shove my phone into my pocket, stand, and head for the door.
“Cass,” Dr. Malik calls. I stop with my hand on the knob. “You don’t have to have the perfect answer right now.”
I look back at him. “What do I need?”
“The honest one.”
I nod once, even though my throat feels tight again. Then I leave before the fake plant sees too much.
Ghost is waiting outside by the railing, skateboard under one foot. He doesn’t look up from his phone when I come out.
“You done?”
“Yeah.”
“How’d it go?”
I walk past him toward the stairs. “He told me not to be full of shit.”
Ghost pushes off and follows. “Good advice.”
“You two should start a podcast.”
“No.”
We climb the stairs together.
At the top, the late afternoon light hits through the glass doors, low and gold across the floor. It makes everything look warmer than it is.
Zae’s like that. Like the last rays of sunlight. Warm, caring, inviting. Makes you feel like everything’s going to be okay.
She’s coming in four days and I still don’t know what the right answer is. But I know I’ll listen to whatever she has to say. She deserves that much. Probably more.