21. Maisie
Chapter 21
Maisie
T here’s a plate of chicken stir fry in my hands and a nervous mess of emotions in my tummy as I stand on Harlan’s back deck. The sound of his tires on the gravel twenty minutes ago announced that he was home, and I couldn’t wait anymore.
I shift Audra further against me and use two fingers to rap on the glass and wait.
After talking to the girls, we exchanged numbers, and Jem — being the extrovert that she is — started a group chat. And I came home to think. More like overthink, but here I am, dinner in hand. Ready to figure out where I stand with Harlan.
There’s movement beyond the door, and a second later it pops open. Every ounce of saliva dries up in my mouth at the sight of Harlan fresh out of a shower.
A towel is pressed to his hair, his chest and abs are on full display. I track a droplet of water as it trails down the valley of his six pack. There’s a light dusting of hair across his pecs that my hands itch to feel, and my core clenches with want .
Holy mother of god.
The hand holding the towel to his still damp hair falls to his side and I’m gaping, I know I’m gaping, but I can’t bring myself to stop. Black sweat pants sit low on his hips, the muscles of his abs disappearing under the cotton, and I lick my lips, wanting the trace the line down. “Maisie?”
I snap out of the lust-induced haze. “Here.” I thrust the plate in his direction and thankfully he grabs it before his dinner ends up on the ground.
“You okay?” He leans an arm against the door jam and all of the muscles in his arms and abdomen shift and bulge.
Wowza.
My eyes snap to Harlan’s, pure male satisfaction gleaming in the hazel depths.
He knows exactly what he’s doing, and he’s shameless.
Absolutely shameless as my libido goes haywire.
“Yep. Fine.” A sharp nod rattles my brain enough to screw my head back onto my shoulders and out of his pants.
“Do you have a minute?” I ask.
He pulls the door open wide. “Sure. Come on in.”
If I thought the view from the front was good, the back is better. Cut muscles define his shoulders and back, the twin dimples wink at the base of his spine with every step he takes. I don’t know what brand his sweatpants are, but I want to find out and order him two pairs in every color because the things they do to his ass are more than I can handle at the moment.
Audra’s hand flies at my face as she bats her tiny hand against my cheek — as if to say “get a hold of yourself, woman” and that knocks a little bit more sense into my desire-addled brain.
“What’s up?” Harlan asks after grabbing a beer from the fridge and a bottle of water that he hands to me .
“Uh.” My gaze strays to his abs again.
“Maisie.”
“What? Huh?”
He smirks at me. Using two fingers, he points to his face. “My eyes are up here.”
I bark out a laugh even as my cheeks ignite. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m not.” His own eyes heat as he drags his gaze down my form. I’m wearing a t-shirt and a pair of shorts, my hair tossed up in a haphazard bun, there’s nothing even remotely sexy about me right now — but he makes me feel it. Sexy and desirable and a million other things that I don’t have the words for.
I bite my lip just as he says, “I’m gonna go throw on a shirt. Be right back.”
I shift from side to side in the kitchen, both as an automatic motion to keep Audra from wiggling, but also to alleviate some of the achy pressure in my core.
Less than thirty seconds later, Harlan’s walking back into the kitchen, the glorious golden skin of his torso covered.
Drat.
“You wanted to talk?”
“Yeah. I’ve been thinking,” I say, turning to set Audra in the high chair before buckling her in.
And oh boy, that’s an understatement. I spent the better part of today distracted from my own work as I processed my emotions, thoughts, and options.
And I settled on a decision.
Assuming this conversation doesn’t embarrass me right out of Everette.
“Okay.” Harlan nods for me to continue.
“I talked to Jem?—”
“You talked to Jem? ”
I wince knowing how it sounds. Like I’m a gossip. Like I can’t keep my mouth shut.
“Yeah,” I try to explain. “Just kinda like — girl talk. As you know, I don’t have the best experience with this type of thing. And I wanted another perspective. But Giselle and Andy were there too, and they made some really good points.”
“Okay.” He doesn’t look mad that I talked to his sister-in-law and a few of what I’m sure are his acquaintances. He looks more curious than anything, and that with his steady tone gives me the courage to go on.
“I went to Jem because I… I haven’t had a friend in a long time, and I wanted to talk to someone about the kiss. But they brought up that it wasn’t fair for me to start something up with you when I had one foot out the door. And they’re right.”
“Sunshine —” Harlan starts to interrupt, but I hold up my hand warding him off.
“Hang on, let me get this out. They weren’t wrong to have that question, if I’m staying or going, because I have that question. But I want to stay. I think that this would be a good landing spot for Audra and me, and …” I drag in a breath.
“I want to stay. I want a home . I’m tired of running, of being afraid of my own shadow. And I want more — with you. I can’t promise I’ll be any good at it — I don’t have a ton of experience with this — but I’d like to try, if you’re okay with that?” I trail off, my tone rife with uncertainty, and I can’t look at him.
“Maisie.” A shiver works its way down my spine at the way he says my name. A verbal caress that rolls off his tongue and lands heavily south of my belly button.
I’m so done with the shy and timid woman that emerged from the wreckage of her life to find herself on the run from her abusive ex and pregnant. The cautious woman who is scared of letting anyone in, anyone too close for fear of getting attached or hurt again. I’m done letting the scared part of me rule my life.
Boldly, I meet Harlan’s gaze. “Yeah?”
“You look like you’re going to pass out. Sit down.”
Okay. Maybe not as bold as I want to be.
My ass meets wood as I sit hard. The thump of the chair loud in the otherwise quiet room.
“I’m going to eat this — looks good by the way — and then we can talk about all of it, okay?” Harlan skirts the table, grabs a fork from his drawer, and heads into the pantry before emerging with the rice puffs that Audra likes. My heart clenches in my chest at the sight of the plastic container. It’s these little things. The consideration he pays, not only me but my daughter, that makes me a goner for him.
He shakes a couple onto her tray, and she pounces on them with a happy chirp — even though she just ate her own dinner less than an hour ago.
Harlan takes his own seat and forks up a bite of food. The guttural groan he lets out when his lips close around the tines of the fork threaten to send my mind right back into the gutter I just dragged it out of.
“This is so good.”
“Thank you,” I reply, my tone prim.
“I have a few questions.”
My stomach drops to my feet. “Questions?”
“Yeah. Questions.”
“Okay.” I take a sip of water for something to do with my hands, and to stop myself from stammering an apology and making a quick exit .
He totally regrets the kiss. That’s gotta be the only reason that he’s taking his time to spit out whatever’s on his mind, right?
“First off, I talked to my brothers too. So I don’t want you to feel bad for telling Jem and the girls about the kiss. You don’t need my permission to have a discussion with other women — or men for that matter, you don’t need my permission for anything, is that clear?”
I nod.
“Secondly. You said you don’t have a lot of experience with this type of thing. Can you be more specific? Are we talking about just dating, kissing, sex? Give me a direction here.”
“Um.” My brain stalls at the word sex. I’m not a prude. I’ve had sex — obviously — but the word out of Harlan’s mouth should be criminal. It’s all banked desire and smoky heat.
Focus, Maisie.
“Dating. I haven’t dated much. I had a few boyfriends in high school, but then Dad died, and college was focused on my studies — and then Sean.”
“Okay.”
“Okay?” I parrot like a weirdo.
He shifts his plate to the side and snags my hand in his own, his thumb rubbing circles on the back of my hand.
“Sunshine.” My eyes whip to his. There’s naked desire there.
Harlan wants me. And that sends my heartbeat throbbing in my core.
“Yeah?” I say, melting at his nickname for me.
“I’d like to try too. And I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, so how about we set some ground rules? ”
“What?” My eyes whip to his. The squishy melting feeling at the nickname he gave me shifts to confusion.
“Ground rules. For us.” He waggles the thumb of his free hand between us.
All of the air in the room is gone. It’s just not there, but I’m still conscious, so I must be breathing.
I nod. “Okay. Ground rules. Sure. That would be good.” My head is spinning.
“I’m assuming that you’re comfortable with kissing?” he asks.
“Yeah. Kissing is good.” Smooth, Maisie. Real smooth.
He smiles. “Okay then. Everything else is in your wheelhouse. You call the shots here.”
Oh fuck. He’s talking about physical intimacy ground rules. Not just dating ground rules.
Fuck.
A pit opens in the bottom of my chest.
Shit. I have to tell him.
It’s not fair if I don’t. But how the hell do I tell him something I’ve kept locked away like a dirty shameful secret?
I don’t want to tell him. But I also don’t want to take this further and then freak out at an — intimate moment.
I should have thought about that, of course he’s going to want sex eventually. I want sex eventually. That’s a normal course for relationship progression. But sex isn’t something I’ve thought about, or if I have, it’s been a nightmare.
“About that.” I chew the inside of my cheek, working up the gumption to continue.
What if he doesn’t believe me? What if I tell him and the warmth disappears? What if he pities me?
I’m so beyond damaged, but I don’t want that to be the only part of me he sees .
I don’t want to change the way he looks at me. Like I’m special. Like I’m important. Like I’m not just a statistic.
If I tell him, will that change?
My eyes prick, and I cut a glance to Audra as my heart beats harder in my chest. She’s munching on her rice puffs and kicking her feet in the highchair, fully comfortable in Harlan’s kitchen.
Am I about to send her world spinning again?
“Talk to me, Sunshine. You can tell me anything.”
Trusting Harlan has been easy. And he hasn’t let me down yet when I’ve shared about my past. He hasn’t judged me. He hasn’t looked at me with pity or like I’m damaged.
I have to trust that he won’t now.
Please. Don’t let this change anything.
“It might be — I might struggle with — that,” I say.
Harlan scoots his chair closer to mine and snags my fisted hand off the top of the table. His thumb traces a swirling pattern on the back of my hand. “With sex?” There’s no judgment on his face. Just open curiosity.
I focus on the warmth of his hand in mine. The steady swirl of his thumb across the back of my hand. I marvel at the change, where before I didn’t want anyone to touch me — let alone a man — Harlan’s touch is — more.
I swallow hard. “Yes. Sex. With sex.” God, this is mortifying. A greasy coat of ick makes the next words nearly impossible.
“I, um, I wasn’t. Always willing.” My eyes cut back to my daughter as Harlan’s hand tightens on mine.
“Willing?” He bites out, his lips curling in an ugly sneer, disgust saturating the dark and unforgiving word. Muscles in his jaw tense as his own gaze burns turning to my daughter and my heart breaks in my chest.
Shatters into a thousand shards of glass .
He’s disgusted with me. With her.
Of course he is.
I’m disgusted with me.
I let it happen. I didn’t report Sean or get out sooner.
This is all my fault.
I shouldn’t have said anything.
I have to get out of here right now.
Panic makes my movement jerky. “I’m sorry. This was a mistake. I should go.”
I stand abruptly, my chair hitting the floor behind me with an explosion of sound.
I’m held immobile as Harlan tightens his grip. Not painfully, just firm. The warm comfort of it from moments ago is gone as I yank on my hand and try to escape.
“Let go, please,” I sob. He drops my hand like it’s on fire, and that’s another reason to cry. Without question, he gives me autonomy over my choices, my body. And it makes me feel safe. Respected.
And I ruined that.
“Wait. Maisie. Hey. Hey. Slow down.” The venom in his tone disappears completely as he holds his own hands up in front of him, and I don’t flinch — because Harlan is safe. He’s a safe place for me.
“Maisie,” Harlan whispers my name, and I can’t stop my eyes from finding his. “Stop. Deep breaths. Take a few deep breaths, Sunshine. Slow down. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” He scoots another step back. “I wasn’t mad at you. Never at you.”
His words start to penetrate my panic-flooded brain. He thought he scared me. He’s angry — for me . Not disappointed or disgusted.
A hiccuping sob surrounds my dumbfounded, “Mad?”
“I’m not mad at you. I’m sorry. Breathe, baby. ”
Audra lets out a wail from her high chair, the tension between Harlan and I getting to her. I unbuckle her from her seat and cuddle her in my arms.
“Can I —” His Adams apple bobs in his throat as he swallows. “Can I hold you?”
He wants to hold me. After freaking out, and now crying. Me trying to run away in a panic. He wants to hold me. To comfort me after I told him the worst secret I’ve ever kept.
A nightmare that turned into the biggest blessing in my life.
My heart all but leaps out of my chest into his upturned palm.
I nod. Still running my hand up and down Audra’s back. His arms close around us, so impossibly gently that it makes more tears fall from my eyes.
Harlan’s mouth drops to my hair in a kiss, and he murmurs, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I never want to scare you.” He whispers more into my hair, but most of it is lost between us as I try to get myself under control.
When the tumultuous emotions quiet enough, I pull back and shake my head. “You didn’t scare me. I thought you were upset, disgusted — with me.”
“With you?” he asks, and I nod.
“I’m not disgusted. I am upset, but not with you. Never with you.” He presses another kiss to my hair and pulls back. “Here, let me take her, let’s sit back down. Take a sip of water. Catch your breath.”
Harlan takes Audra out of my arms and sways with her until her own hiccuping whines quiet. Like he did with me, he presses kisses to the crown of her head, whispering to her low enough that I can’t hear what he’s saying. Her head drops to his shoulder, and her arm wraps around his neck.
She’s as comfortable in his arms as she is in mine, and that makes me want to cry all over again.
Harlan is a safe place for Audra too. Even with him knowing how she was brought into the world, he’s safe for her too.
I lift my chair from the floor before sitting back down. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to drop that on you, but I figured it would be better if you know — if I can’t…”
A sip of water helps to clear the vise grip on my esophagus. My hand trembling against the thin plastic bottle.
Harlan’s lips brush against — a now calm — Audra’s head.
“Better?” he asks.
“Yeah. Sorry.” I snag a napkin and wipe my cheeks.
“Don’t apologize. I’m sorry I didn’t handle that better. That’s on me. Not you.”
“Sor …” I stop and Harlan smiles at me.
“Atta girl.”
He hugs Audra to his chest. “So she wasn’t planned?”
“No. He came home drunk one night … and yeah. About six weeks later, I found out.”
“Okay.” He kisses her head again. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
His face is pinched, and I recognize the same anguish I saw on my own face in the mirror for weeks after it happened.
He audibly sucks in a breath. “So fucking sorry, Sunshine.”
“Me too. But it brought me her.” I nod my head in Audra’s direction. I can be sorry that it happened. I can be disgusted with myself. I can hate Sean for doing it. For taking away my choice, for making me experience the terror and shame of my consent being stripped away from me. Of the brutality of it all.
But I can never be sorry or disgusted that she’s the result of it. Because that little girl cuddled into Harlan’s arms is my whole world. She’s my joy, happiness and reason for living wrapped in a tiny package.
Harlan nods before pressing a kiss to her head. “You’re right. She’s — you both — are miracles.” He hugs Audra to his chest a little tighter, his eyes closing as he soaks in the feel of her in his arms. When his eyes open, I see something I don’t think I’m supposed to.
Love.
He loves her. Maybe not like I do, but it’s there all the same. And that makes him a safe place for her more than anything else.
I sip more water as Harlan sways with Audra in his arms, and I soak in the picture of a man just loving my daughter in a way that she’s only gotten from me in her short life.
Maybe something good can come from a deer derailing my life. Because now? Now Audra has this — has him.
He turns to me. “Can I ask you a question? You don’t have to answer it if it makes you uncomfortable or you’re not ready.”
“Yeah. Sure.”
“Can you tell me why you didn’t feel comfortable reporting him? Or calling the police.”
I go lightheaded at the question. The breath in my lungs backing up to sit heavier than a ton of lead bricks.
“Harlan. I couldn’t. Sean’s a cop.”