Chapter 12
Secrets - OneRepublic
A
fter a night of fitful sleep and hours spent tossing, Abby slipped out of bed at six and rushed to shower and dress before walking down to breakfast alone. Despite Sarah’s advice, she was ready to settle in for a long day of avoiding her possibly former best friend. Maybe she’d find it in herself to face him eventually. After they parted ways on Tuesday afternoon, he’d have a full month to forget what he’d seen. And by the time he got back to England at the end of April, they could try to put it behind them entirely. Perhaps she could avoid actually discussing the event forever.
Her parents found her there, plate already filled with everything she could possibly want from the buffet to minimise the risk of Erik cornering her on a return trip. He frowned at her as he approached the table, setting his jacket down before going to dish his own food.
‘You couldn’t wait to walk down together this morning?’ he asked when he returned to his seat.
‘I was hungry.’
Erik smirked around the rim of his juice glass. ‘I’ll bet.’
Abby felt a blush spread through her cheeks. It wasn’t helped when Erik leaned in close and said softly, ‘We need to talk.’
She responded with an empty smile, and threw herself into the conversation Erik’s parents were having about gardening. It lasted the extent of breakfast. As they meandered through the botanical gardens, she allowed her father to give her a play by play of his six most recent patients. Later, she would realise it was the longest conversation they’d had in years. When they stopped for lunch, she actually opted to sit with her mother out of desperation.
‘Why are you sitting here, darling?’
Abby shrugged. ‘We haven’t had a chance to chat much.’
‘Oh, it’ll be lovely to catch up. Sit, sit, but don’t shrug, dear. It’s not polite.’
Those were the last words her mother directed at her for the duration of the meal, but being ignored was preferable to acknowledging the pointed stare Erik was levelling at her and discovering what was behind it.
Finally, she agreed to tennis doubles ( another sport with truly excellent clothes , she’d thought as she slipped into a pair of white skorts), partnering with her dad against her mother and Nora while Erik chatted to his dad on the side. She could feel his gaze on her throughout the game, and pointedly avoided looking in his direction. It meant missing a few easy hits and ultimately losing to her mother. It was worth the disappointment on her father’s face as they walked off the court.
But after dinner came the sting of betrayal.
‘What do you mean you don’t have plans?’ Abby asked, thunderstruck. ‘You fill every minute of this trip. Why don’t we all go for a drink at the bar? Or they’re doing a comedy show in the lounge?’
Erik narrowed his eyes at her. ‘Why are you so upset?’ It was the first time he’d addressed her directly since breakfast. ‘I thought you had a date.’
‘I cancelled,’ she replied curtly.
‘And why is that?’ he asked, stepping closer to her, seemingly oblivious to the curious stares from their parents.
‘Because I wanted to spend more time with my darling family.’ Her tone turned syrupy sweet. ‘Mum, we could go shopping. We haven’t even seen what the gift shop’s Christmas ornament for this year is.’
Each year, Belridge Hotel created a ‘bespoke’ ornament that would allow you to cherish your special memories of your stay with them for years to come. Their Christmas tree was laden with imitation crystal and too many sequins.
‘Really, darling, your father and I do have plans, but nothing you’re invited to. It is our anniversary after all.’
Abby was suddenly sad to be avoiding Erik’s gaze. They couldn’t share the look that meant they both wanted to vomit.
‘We can go to the gift shop tomorrow, and there’s nothing stopping you doing either of those other things with Erik. We’ll see you two in the morning.’
‘I could take in a show,’ Erik said.
‘You hate comedy.’ She spoke without looking at him.
‘Only when it’s not funny.’
In her periphery, she could see Erik take another step towards her, causing her to spin and follow her parents towards the lifts.
‘On second thought, an early night sounds like a great idea,’ Abby said brightly.
After their parents departed on their respective floors, Abby and Erik shared a mercifully full lift as they continued upwards. Erik stayed a few paces behind her while they walked to their rooms. She chanced a look backwards before diving through her door. He looked annoyingly casual, strolling with his hands in his pockets. He smirked slightly as they locked eyes, and that small, simple quirk of his lips lit her up as much as it shot fear through her.
It was the face of a man scheming, and it was still playing on her mind half an hour later when a knock at the door drew her attention away from her thesis research.
Erik stood in the hallway.
Immediately on the defensive, she crossed her arms. ‘Why didn’t you just use the door between our rooms?’
‘I didn’t think you’d answer if you knew it was me.’
Well.
He was probably right.
‘Can we talk?’
‘Erik.’ She sighed. ‘It’s late.’ It had barely gone eight. ‘And I’m really not in the mood.’
‘Come on, Sunshine,’ he said. ‘It’s Saturday. Game night. For old times’ sake.’
It was then that she noticed the bottle of whiskey in his hand. ‘When did game night ever include half a bottle of alcohol?’
‘I needed something a little stronger than hot chocolate.’
She bit her lip.
Erik’s cocky smile faded slightly, leaving room for her to see the worry lining his face, and her heart twinged. He looked like a puppy when he was upset: all big, soulful grey eyes and those unbearably soft, pouty lips.
‘Abby. Please. We can pretend last night didn’t happen if that’s what you want, but we only have another couple of days together. You’re my best friend and I’ve missed you, and I don’t want to spend another day with you ignoring me to talk to your mum .’
She thawed slightly at his pleading tone and stepped aside slowly, ushering him in.
When they were settled, she looked at him warily. He’d dragged the plush sofa right up against her bed and sprawled on it, a sure sign that he was trying to give her space and keep her comfortable. Any other time, he would have flopped down beside her.
‘I’m assuming you brought something for us to play.’
‘Oh, I’ve given it a lot of thought.’ He nodded. ‘You left me plenty of time to plan today. And we’re playing Truth or Dare.’
Abby gulped. That childhood promise to tell each other everything gained more caveats by the day. She didn’t need rules demanding that she spill her guts.
‘This is how it’s going to work,’ Erik said, stretching his legs further. ‘We take turns asking truth or dare. You don’t want to answer, you take a swig. You don’t want to do the dare, you take a swig. You’re allowed three truths or three dares in a row before you have to do the other. Happy?’
She nodded resolutely, as if her heart wasn’t trying to explode out of her throat. Her mounting anxiety wasn’t helped by how mouthwateringly good he looked. He’d showered before coming in. He had that fresh, soap and linen smell that was so distinctive to him, and his damp hair pointed in every direction. As she imagined her hands as the cause, tugging on fistfuls of it while his body pressed flush against hers and his tongue explored her neck, it struck her why she had always been so fixated on the blonde mess: Erik Larsson, entirely respectable in every other way, had permanent sex hair. Added to that, the fitted white t-shirt he wore was practically moulded to his perfect chest. And with grey joggers? Criminal . Her gaze was straying dangerously when she heard her name.
Eyes snapping back up, she mumbled guiltily, ‘I guess I’ll start with truth.’
‘Are you happy we’re here?’ Erik’s voice wavered, but his posture was strong as he looked directly into her eyes.
Okay, he’d started easy.
‘Of course I am, Erik.’ She sighed. ‘I’ve missed you like crazy while you’ve been away. We were completely inseparable for eighteen years, and even after so long, it’s weird not seeing my best friend every day. Getting you all to myself for a while has been amazing.’
His body relaxed slightly, and he smiled that small, brilliant, and just slightly dopey smile that was always reserved for her.
‘I’ll go truth as well,’ he finally said.
She hesitated but then— fuck it . He wouldn’t have brought alcohol to her room and insisted they share secrets if he didn’t want to talk about the real stuff.
‘Why did you and Casey break up? You never actually told me.’
Again with that unfaltering eye contact. He’d always been intense. And she’d always loved having that attention focused on her.
‘She was ready to move forward with our relationship, start building a future. But I was still stuck in the past.’
Strained silence passed between them for a minute as she considered the potential weight behind those words.
‘Truth again,’ she whispered, not allowing her brain to linger on that train of thought. And she should have seen it coming. She really should have. But—
‘Same question. You and Sam. What happened?’
Shit . She hesitated a beat too long, and Erik leaned forward.
‘Did he propose? Is that why you broke up?’
‘Why—what would make you ask that?’
Erik inhaled sharply and took a swig of whiskey. ‘Alex. Alex saw him ring shopping about a year ago.’
‘He didn’t,’ Abby said quickly. ‘He didn’t propose. He was considering it. But…same as you and Casey, I guess. I wasn’t ready to move forward. Not with him.’ She wondered how similar his breakup had looked to hers. If the same conclusions had been drawn about their relationship.
‘Fuck, Abby.’ Erik handed her the bottle and her throat burned as she swallowed. It hurt in the best way. ‘I’m sorry.’
A warm, tingly feeling was already spreading through Abby’s body, and she was beginning to feel bolder. ‘Are you? Sorry?’
Erik bit his lip, breaking eye contact fully for the first time as he dropped his gaze.
‘Because I’m not.’
Beautiful pools of grey snapped back up to meet her eyes.
‘He was great. Really great. But he deserved better than what I could give him. It wouldn’t have worked out.’
They were veering into dangerous territory.
‘We’re not great at following those drinking rules,’ Abby said, lifting the bottle in a salute before taking another swig. She handed the bottle back.
‘Good. I’m so fucking sick of following the rules, Sunshine.’ His voice, low and rough, made her chest ache. And with every round they were skating closer to those truths she’d kept buried for so long.
Erik took a deep swallow. Her eyes tracked the bob of his throat. It sent heat searing through her.
‘The other day, you said there were things you weren’t willing to compromise on. With Sam. Was I one of those things?’ Erik asked.
Abby nodded slowly.
‘He wanted you to choose? Between him and me?’
‘Not exactly.’
‘Then why—’
‘That’s three questions, you little cheat. My turn.’
Erik frowned, but chose truth. He was making no secret of the fact that he wanted tonight to be about confessions.
It was the question she’d been wanting to ask for two days, and a few swallows of whiskey made the words tumble out quickly. ‘Why were you really so pissed about Finn?’
He tugged on his hair; Abby tugged her mind out of the gutter it immediately fell into. He seemed to be struggling with exactly what he wanted to say, and when he reached for the bottle again, Abby feared that she’d pushed too far already.
But finally he answered. ‘Because I wanted to be the person taking you out for a drink. Not like we did the other night. Not reminding myself constantly to hold back so I don’t come on too strong. Not sitting there as the guy who’s known you since before you could crawl. Just…two adults sharing an amazing evening together, both knowing how it’s going to end.’
Her stomach tightened as she worked through that confession. The way he acted now was him holding back ? As for knowing how the night was going to end ? That tripped her up most of all, as for the second time in twenty-four hours, she imagined Erik laying her down on a bed while she clawed at his shoulders.
‘And because you’re an amazing, intelligent marvel of a woman, and I couldn’t stand the idea that he gets to look at you like you’re all those things, while I keep standing on the sidelines as your friend .’ The word was soaked in acid as he uttered it.
‘What’s wrong with being my friend?’ she breathed, praying she would finally hear the words she’d been longing for.
Erik looked up at her, eyebrows drawn together, imploring. ‘What’s wrong is not being more,’ he admitted softly. ‘And Abby, if you really don’t think of me like that, it’s fine, okay? We can forget I said anything and just go on with our lives, but—’
There it was. The confirmation she’d wanted for years.
‘I don’t want that,’ Abby said quickly. ‘I don’t want to pretend I haven’t been feeling…more.’
He smiled that tiny, secret smile again— their smile—and she melted.
‘Your turn.’
‘Truth,’ she replied boldly. She’d just admitted her biggest secret. There was nothing more he could ask that would be more of a bombshell than that.
‘I know I said we didn’t have to talk about this, but I have to try. When I walked in on you last night, were you saying my name?’ He stared directly at her, eyes sparkling. She knew he knew. He just wanted to hear her say it. ‘You can drink if you don’t want to answer. But I would really, really like you to answer.’
‘Erik…’
‘ Please .’
A desperation she had never heard in his voice burned away some of her shame. This was Erik . And they didn’t talk about stuff like this. She didn’t talk about stuff like this, except after way too much tequila on girls’ night, and that was mainly a whispered admission of how rare any kind of pleasure, particularly solo, was for her. But for him, if they were crossing this line beyond their friendship, maybe she could try.
‘Yes, okay? I was thinking about you. I’m sorry.’ She braced herself for the wave of embarrassment that should have accompanied the admission. Instead, she found…peace? Perhaps that wasn’t the right word, but the pleased smile playing around Erik’s lips made acceptance an easier space to reach.
‘Why are you sorry?’ He leaned forward, curiosity lighting his eyes.
‘It’s weird! You’re my best friend and I shouldn’t have been…I don’t know, fantasising about you like that.’
‘Abby, I pick truth,’ Erik’s voice cut through her rambling. ‘Ask me what I thought when I opened that door.’
She did.
‘I thought it was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen. I thought how much I wanted to make you look like that. In the moment, I panicked, because you clearly were too. I only clocked what you’d been saying after I left. And then I got so fucking hard. Fuck, just thinking about it…’ His eyes shuttered as he dragged a hand over his face.
Abby’s eyes flicked down to his lap. Those joggers did nothing to hide him, and the sight made her mouth water.
‘I’ve been one stray thought away from public indecency all day. If I’d realised what I was hearing while I was still in here, seeing you look like that…you’d have absolutely no doubt how much I want you.’
She’d always thought his voice was perfect, but only in her weakest moments had she imagined it rough with desire like this, telling her he wanted her. She wondered how she could wrap herself in it and never leave.
‘So don’t be sorry. Don’t be embarrassed. Seeing you like that was a fucking dream.’
Masturbation always left her feeling shame, and after he’d shut the door, she had been filled with it. But knowing the effect it had on him— seeing it clearly on display—melted some of that away.
They’d crossed a line they’d been toeing for years, one it would be near impossible to return from. And that thought had her trembling in anticipation as she whispered, ‘Dare.’
‘Invite me to join you on the bed,’ Erik said softly.
‘You’ve never needed an invitation before,’ Abby said, aiming for bravado to hide the shake in her voice.
‘We’ve never done what we’re about to do.’
Images of green satin, a crumpled white shirt, a lake surrounded by trees flashed through her mind. ‘We haven’t?’
‘Not like this.’
Was her body on fire? She thought she might be burning up from the inside as she patted the space next to her silently, not taking her eyes off him.
When he was settled, taking great pains not to touch her with any part of him, he said, ‘I know I have to pick dare next, but there’s one more truth I need to tell first.’
Abby nodded for him to go on. For the first time that evening, he looked stressed. He hesitated for a second, rubbing his hand over his face. It was a rare reminder of the strange dichotomy of Erik: a perfect meeting point of quiet confidence and nervous energy. At once entirely comfortable with who he was and brimming with anxiety over navigating a world always set to assault his senses.
‘I wasn’t working over New Year’s. They gave me a few days off, and I came back to England. I went into Soho on New Year’s Eve and found my way to a little pub. That one we always said we’d visit when we got old enough. They were hosting a masquerade party. And I found the prettiest girl in the room. She had long blonde hair, as radiant as sunshine.’
Abby drew in a ragged breath. That party was seared into her memory. It had only been two weeks after her night with Finn. Still raw from that experience and the meltdown that had followed, she’d had no desire to hook up with anyone. But when a gentle hand had touched her shoulder and she’d made out the words ‘ Can I kiss you? ’ on a pair of soft-looking lips peeking out below a full mask, she’d figured there couldn’t be much harm in engaging in the midnight tradition.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ she breathed.
‘I was going to.’ He sighed. ‘It was supposed to be this big romantic moment. I was going to kiss you—I only meant it to be a peck, really—then pull my mask off and ta-da ,’ he said with a small flourish of his hands. ‘And then you let me kiss you— really kiss you—’
‘And then I ran away,’ she finished, cold quickly extinguishing the heat that had been consuming her.
‘And in my big mess of a brain I reasoned it was because you somehow knew it was me. And you didn’t want me.’
The blank despair on his face made her heart ache and she stretched a hand towards him before leaving it to drop onto the duvet between them.
‘Erik, I ran away because it felt too real. Kissing you was like…like coming home for a magical summer after a crappy school year. It felt warm and safe and perfect. I’d only been broken up with Sam for a few months. I was all messed up thinking about you. And then there was this amazing kiss, and I didn’t think I could handle feeling any more things at once. I planned never to mention it because it felt like I was betraying you somehow. But if I’d known it was you…’ She trailed off as she looked back into his eyes, which were unusually bright. ‘I wouldn’t have run away from you, Erik,’ she said earnestly, her lip quivering. ‘Not again.’
He pulled her closer, one hand cupping her check to tilt her face towards his.
‘What’s my dare?’
‘Kiss me,’ she said simply.
They were almost nose to nose when she breathed one last confession. ‘Even with everything that came after…our other kiss. Our first kiss. Still the best one I’ve ever had.’
His eyes widened in surprise, but she captured his lips before he could speak.
Erik Larsson tasted like whiskey and mint and memories, and Abby could have become drunk off that alone.
It was New Year’s, but with twenty-five years of intimacy behind it. New Year’s with the knowledge that the man now pulling her onto his lap knew every detail of her.
It was the magic of summer days on the beach, and watching the leaves change, and seeing tiny buds push their way through thawing ground. It was everything.
Erik’s hands ghosted over the straps of her vest before he slid his fingers under the tiny bows keeping her pyjamas on her shoulders. One pull of his thumbs and her chest would be bare to him. She moaned into his mouth at the thought, and he nipped playfully at her bottom lip.
‘This the set you were wearing on Wednesday?’ he asked, lowering his head to lick her collarbone. ‘I’ve been dreaming about these fucking bows for three nights.’
Abby whimpered as he sucked gently on her shoulder. ‘Why— Fuck , Erik.’ She gasped at his teeth scraping over the sensitive skin. ‘Why were you so eager to get away from me on Thursday morning? When we woke up together.’
He laughed into her throat and goosebumps followed in the wake of his breath. ‘Why do you think , Abby?’ Erik asked, hands sliding over her body to hold her hips flush against his.
Oh .
He felt like heaven through the thin cotton of her shorts.
‘I woke up in a panic just about every hour, terrified that I’d be hard. I managed to make it through the whole night without incident.’ He dropped his head back against the headboard with a soft thud . ‘And then you pressed right against me and burrowed , and my brain was barely awake, but my body sure as hell was.’
Abby pressed her hand to his throat, and Erik’s eyes closed with a blissful smile as she stroked his jaw. ‘I thought maybe you regretted it. Letting me sleep with you.’
His eyes snapped back open, head jerking forward to look at her straight-on. ‘Sunshine, you weigh nothing. It would have taken me thirty seconds and zero effort to carry you to your bed or sleep there myself. But I can’t stress enough how much I. Didn’t. Want. To.’ Each of his last four words was punctuated by a kiss, and he kept his mouth on hers when he finished speaking, tongue tracing her bottom lip softly until she let him in. Coherent thoughts were struggling to stay afloat in the pool of golden syrup that had replaced her brain, but one drifted lazily to the surface: she’d be happy to do this forever.
Erik had different ideas. After a few minutes, his hands stilled on her waist as he slowed their frantic exchange and gently pulled away from her.
‘We have to stop.’ His voice was shaky. ‘I’m trying really hard to keep using the last tiny bit of my brain capable of rational thought, and if I kiss you for one second longer, that’s going to die too.’
Abby rolled her hips, mumbling against his lips that she had no desire to stop. Now that she’d opened up to more with Erik, it was consuming her. Her brain was too full of wanting to consider all the discomfort that usually came with the possibility of sex. It was freeing.
Pleading eyes met hers. ‘I don’t want to. I need to. This is the moment I’ve waited most of my adult life for. I’m not ruining it by moving too fast and letting you have regrets.’
Oh, he had no idea about her regrets when it came to the two of them. But she wasn’t planning on sex being added to that list.
Abby pouted and tried to pull him in for another kiss. He huffed out a laugh and lifted her effortlessly off his lap, hopping off the bed before she could grab him again. His joggers had slid down his hips and the inch of skin showing was tantalising. He tilted her chin up before her eyes could dip any lower.
‘I’d like to take you on a single date first. Maybe a dinner that doesn’t include our parents?’ Erik bent to drop a kiss on her forehead, pinning her arms to her sides as he did, so she wouldn’t have any chance of pulling him back into the bed for more. ‘I’ll see you in the morning, Sunshine.’
The smile he left her with could have ended international conflicts.
Abby was still trying to control her breathing when her phone beeped with a text.
If you’re struggling to relax again before bed, you could always engage some help…
She replied instantly.
Fuck you.
His laugh echoed through the wall between them as his reply sent another bolt of heat through her.
Soon, Sunshine ;)