Chapter 18
Take on the World - You Me At Six
A
bby didn’t turn, but with every cell in her body begging her to respond to that voice, she managed to croak out, ‘Why?’
‘I figured if you were, it meant you wanted to be found.’ Erik spoke softly, his tone impossibly gentle.
She wasn’t sure about that. All she knew was that the walls of her bedroom had been suffocating her, and she had needed an escape. Although a glance down at herself confirmed something in his observation. If she’d wanted space from him, why had she pulled on his clothes when seeking warmth and comfort? She could have gone out into the garden, walked as far as the beach, even, and let the salty air heal her emotional wounds. Instead, she had chosen this spot, one with nostalgia rolling over it like the waves on the shore below them.
It was little surprise that Erik understood her actions better than she did.
Maybe she had been waiting for him to find her.
As he came towards her, Erik splashed through the small puddles that afternoon’s showers had left on the cement. ‘Can I sit?’
Abby nodded, staring straight ahead.
‘I thought about asking you to tell me a story, but you kind of already did.’
Still not looking at him, Abby furrowed her brow.
‘I read your book.’
And that…that had her head spinning towards him. He had swapped his dinner attire for joggers and a jumper that looked so cosy she wanted to bury herself in it and never come out. His hair was even wilder than it had been, a sure sign that he’d been anxiously tugging at it. She marvelled that it was possible for it to become more dishevelled than she’d left it earlier.
‘It’s good, Abby. It’s really good.’ His eyes shone brightly, with so much more life in them than there had been when he left her room. ‘It’s—it’s us, right? I’m the guy? You’re the girl? We’re the idiots who’ve been best friends since childhood and both been too scared to make a move?’
Her head dropped in a single, slow nod. He knew. She had already all but admitted it. What difference could it make now anyway?
Something in Erik’s shoulders relaxed.
‘Right. Okay. I’m going to do something I should have done a long time ago: be upfront with you. God knows I can’t handle skirting around this anymore. I want to be with you. And based on what I just read, I think you want to be with me too. If I’m wrong…if you can look me in the eye and tell me you don’t have any feelings for me, I’ll go. I’ll find a taxi. I’ll head to the train station tonight. And I’ll stay away again until you’re ready for me to be back in your life. But if—’
‘Again?’ Abby interrupted, finally finding her voice.
‘What?’
‘You said you’ll stay away again .’
He paused, seeming to weigh his next words. ‘Work wasn’t the only reason I was rarely home,’ he said eventually, voice quiet.
‘You were avoiding me.’ Somehow that hurt worse than anything she’d imagined him saying.
‘That’s not how I thought of it. But yeah. I guess I was.’ Erik rubbed his eyes roughly. It looked painful. Abby had to sit on her hands to stop herself reaching for him. ‘Abby, when I’m near you…I want to drown in you. It fucking hurts being away from you, but it hurts even worse being around you and not being able to breathe you in and hold you and touch you and call you mine. So I took on extra projects. I stayed on site longer than I was needed. And I came home just enough to get my small fixes of you before—before the overdose killed me.’
Abby stared at him, struggling to process everything he was admitting. Scouring every syllable for confirmation that she was understanding him right. And her mind snagged on one line:
I want to be with you .
Now. He wanted to be with her now. But if they didn’t last, it would break her beyond repair.
‘You wrote this amazing love story. The best one I’ve ever read. The best one I know. Ours . Every detail you put in those pages…it’s us. Right down to that time your period was so bad you couldn’t get out of bed and I stole the cupcakes my mum had made for book club and brought them to you.’
‘And she made you stay up half the night baking a new batch to replace them.’ Even through the vortex of emotions swirling through her, a smile cracked Abby’s face. He had video called her from his kitchen, cocoa in his hair and flour dusting his cheeks. It had been the first time she’d thought, I really want to kiss him . And every month that had followed, as soon as he saw her bring out her hot water bottle, a batch of chocolate cupcakes had arrived at her bedroom door within a day.
‘I still know the recipe for chocolate sponge cake out of my head. How many teenage boys do you think have done shit like that, Abby?’
Not many, she suspected. But then, no one had ever measured up to Erik.
‘So I have a question for you. If that’s the way you see our story—the way you see us —what happened downstairs? Why are we fighting this? Why are we both determined to be miserable when we could be so, so happy together?’
She looked away, not trusting what truths might spill out if she tried to speak.
‘Abby.’ Erik’s voice was so gentle, more gentle than she deserved, as he reached for her hand. ’Talk to me. Please .’
‘I’m scared.’ An answer, at least. The one that encompassed all her feelings.
‘Why?’ It was a curious enquiry rather than combative. Begging her to open up.
Perhaps that was why she found herself admitting in a whisper, ‘You’ve changed your mind about me before.’
Erik inhaled sharply. It wasn’t fair. She knew it wasn’t fair to put that on him, not when—at least from his perspective—she had done the same. But if he wanted the truth, that was it. The fear that one day he would wake up and realise that he was too kind and warm to live in such close proximity to her cold, brittle selfishness forever.
‘I lied.’
Abby lifted her head in surprise and their eyes locked.
‘Of course I lied, Abby. I was a kid, and I was hopelessly in love with someone who didn’t want me back. I went a few months with awkward text conversations and unanswered phone calls and it almost destroyed me. And I decided I was more willing to have whatever parts of you you were prepared to give me than to not have you at all. So before you could tell me it was too weird and you were done trying, I told you I was over you. And I got my friend back. Not the way I wanted but at least the way I needed.’ He let out a heavy breath and looked away. ‘But it wasn’t just me, Abby. You—you let me kiss you. You said it was perfect. And the next day you said it was a mistake. I thought we were getting somewhere last night, when you said you’d been feeling more. And then an hour ago, you told me you loved being my friend .’ His face was lined with pain when he looked back at her.
‘I lied too,’ she whispered, voice breaking. ‘You kept pulling me in, then immediately pushing me away. I thought I was going to get everything I’d ever wanted, and it kept seeming like you didn’t feel the same. And that Christmas eve? I asked to talk because I wanted to tell you I was ready to give us a shot.’
Erik’s eyes shuttered, his eyebrows drawn together. ‘Well, shit. We could have been together all this time, huh? We were so focused on not getting hurt that we just hurt ourselves more. And we’re still fucking doing it, aren’t we?’
‘I don’t know how to live without you, Erik. If we try dating and we don’t work out…I don’t just lose my boyfriend. I lose the best friendship I’m ever going to have. That’s what I was trying to save back then. What I was still trying to protect by playing it safe tonight.’
He gave her a small, sad smile. ‘Abby, if we keep doing this, there’s not going to be a friendship to save. It was bad enough after we kissed. After tonight…am I supposed to sit casually next to you at Christmas dinner as if I don’t know how you taste? Do I watch you pick up a guy in a bar and pretend I don’t know the sounds you’re going to make when you go home with him? I don’t know that I’m strong enough to do that, Sunshine. Every time we give in to this connection between us, it’s going to be harder to go back to normal.’
She knew he was right. And it terrified her, but summoning all of her courage, Abby asked in a small voice, ‘You were in love with me? Back then?’
His smile lifted, some of the sadness bleeding out of it. ‘Is that what I said? Sorry. I misspoke.’
She pulled her hand out from under Erik’s and stood quickly, wondering how he could have delivered that speech and then immediately dashed her hopes again. He reached for her again, pulling her towards him. Her sneakers slid on the dusty concrete, bringing her neatly between his legs. The height of the bench had them almost face to face.
‘You’re not getting it. It’s not that I was in love with you. I still am. I’ve never stopped. I’m never going to stop.’
‘How can you be so sure?’
‘Because I’ve tried . It didn’t work. It didn’t work when you broke my heart that morning. It didn’t work when uni gave me distance from you. It didn’t work when I kissed and dated and slept with other girls, desperate to get you out of my system. It didn’t work when I moved to the other side of the world so I’d only see you once or twice a year. Each time I went on a date, all I could think was how much more fun I’d be having with you. Each time I kissed someone, I thought how much I wanted it to be you instead, because our first kiss, teeth bumping together and all, was the single greatest moment of my life. No one has ever compared to you. No one has ever been as smart or funny or interesting or beautiful. No one else woke me up and made me feel like I could do anything. No one else was you . And they never will be.’
Abby’s breath caught as he stood, pulling her even closer.
‘I’m not asking you to say it back. Not yet. But I know this is more than friendship to you. So whatever’s holding you back, tell me. I’ll fix it. I’ll always fix it.’
Tears began to fall from her eyes as he spoke, and he brushed them away so tenderly she thought her knees might give out.
‘I’m scared I’ll hurt you,’ she whispered.
‘I’ll forgive you. That’s what love is.’
‘I’m scared that I’ll always want too much of you. And that one day it’ll be more than you can give.’
Erik took her hand again, pressing a featherlight kiss to her wrist before placing her fingers over his heart. It beat steadily, a heavy thud anchoring her to him, to that quiet strength he always shared with her. ‘Abby, I never want you to stop asking for more of me. You could scrape me raw from the inside out and I would beg you to dig deeper. I am aching to give you everything. If you want more of me, fucking take it. Every part of me worth anything has always belonged to you anyway. And I know you don’t see it, because you constantly underestimate what you mean to me, but it goes both ways. You give me so much of yourself, without me even asking. All the bits of your soul you’ve ever trusted me with are my favourite gifts. Trust me with your heart too.’
Tears fell faster now, blurring her vision. This gentleness, even with all the hurt and confusion she had caused him, was why she had pulled away from him, resisting her feelings for so long. He was so endlessly good .
‘I’m a difficult person to be in a relationship with. I need a lot of reassurance. And eventually I always end up being too much for people. I talk all the time. I’m too loud, too excitable.’ How ironic that her voice sounded the smallest it ever had.
Erik pulled her into his chest, letting her tears soak into his dark jumper. It was as soft as it looked. Threading his fingers through her hair, he rubbed small, soothing circles into her scalp. ‘So I’ll take every opportunity to remind you that you are adored and wonderful. Tell me how exactly that’s different from what I do now?’
Abby’s lips curved slightly, and she marvelled at his ability to make her smile even when she was falling apart.
Erik moved one hand to cup her face delicately, as if she were something fragile, breakable. Which right now, she supposed, she was.
‘As for being too much, yeah, you probably are. You’re feisty and passionate and brilliant and that is always going to be too much for stupid, boring people.’ He ducked his head to her ear. ‘So fuck ’em.’
His words combined with the tickle of his breath actually brought a snort of laughter from her.
Erik pulled back from her and swiped another few tears away, earnest grey eyes meeting hers. ‘I’m not them though. You think I haven’t been too much for people my whole life? It’s not fun hanging out with the guy who can’t handle excessive noise or unfamiliar smells, or gets a headache if the light pattern in a restaurant is off. But you and me…we’ve always been the right amount of much for each other. I fucking love when you’re loud, and I love listening to you talk. You could present a two hour lecture on the merits of reality dating shows and I’d ask for an encore. And for the record, I’m still very interested in hearing your thoughts on pegging. You think there’s anyone else I regularly send two thousand word emails to? No. Because anyone else would think I was insane.’
‘Those emails are the highlight of my week,’ Abby said quietly, her heart rate increasing with every word he spoke.
‘Mine too. Because we work. Present tense. Maybe even…future tense?’
And he always knew exactly how to pull her out of despair, didn’t he? ‘Don’t flirt in semantics. You know it’s not fair,’ she said. But resistance was futile against the grin now tugging at her lips.
Erik’s smile grew to match hers. ‘Listen to me, Sunshine. I will say this as many times as it takes to get it into your stubborn little head: you are perfect for me. I know everything about you, the good and the bad, and I love you because of, not in spite of, each of those tiny details. I know you’re scared of losing me. Us. But I’m not going anywhere. Because I’ve had to find a way to live without you for seven years. And that was about six years, three hundred and sixty-four days more than I needed to know that I don’t want to live without you. You’ve always been the best thing in my life. There were times when it felt like you were the only good thing. Even when you were on the other side of the world, knowing you were an email or a text away made every day a little brighter. You make the good stuff better, and you make the bad stuff bearable.’ He exhaled heavily, dropping his forehead to hers. ‘I’m sorry. I thought I was showing you. My whole life I thought it was so fucking obvious how I felt about you. But I should have known you needed to hear the words. It’s the same mistake I made the first time. I left you too much time to overthink things, when I should have told you I was crazy about you from the start.’
Abby bunched her hands in Erik’s jumper, letting his soothing scent wash over her. He smelled like soap and mint toothpaste. He smelled like home .
‘Now are you going to keep coming up with bullshit reasons I shouldn’t be making you deliriously happy, or are you going to let me kiss you?’
‘Wait,’ Abby whispered, tightening her fists and pushing slightly on Erik’s chest. She hated herself for the ember of concern that flickered in his eyes. But she needed him to hear this. The words she hoped would douse it forever. ‘I love you too. I’m in desperate, hopeless, romance novel-worthy love with you. And I always will be.’
Erik paused for one second more, then breathed, ‘Fucking finally,’ before pressing his lips softly to hers.
The kiss felt different to the others they had shared in the last— Had it really only been twenty-four hours? Those had been frantic, both of them desperately trying to feel and give as much as they could in the short time they were guaranteed. But suddenly there was no urgency, just quiet whimpers as they opened up, grasping each other ever tighter. A tactile acknowledgement that they had no time limit or expiry date. It had more in common with their first kiss from all those years ago, both of them pouring their hearts into this moment they never wanted to end.
When Abby finally broke away—oxygen was a frankly annoying requirement for life—Erik immediately pressed a kiss to her forehead, like he couldn’t bear to have any separation between them.
‘Where does that go on the kiss ranking?’ he mumbled, lips barely lifting from her skin.
‘Straight to number one. Buttercup and Westley can suck it.’
Erik laughed, sounding so unabashedly happy it made her heart soar.
‘I know things have moved fast,’ he said, ‘but this isn’t physical for me, okay? I mean, it is a little. Because I fucking love touching you. But I’ll be thrilled if we just cuddle the whole night if that’s what you want. I don’t expect anything from you. Except the promise that I’ll never have to let you go again.’
‘That’s too bad.’ A playful smile spread across Abby’s face. ‘Because it’s a little physical for me.’
Erik raised his eyebrows.
‘You got really hot,’ she said seriously.
A full, proper laugh exploded out of her…boyfriend? What a small, silly word for what they were to each other.
‘Should I be concerned you only want me for my body?’
‘Oh, absolutely.’
Erik bent again, his smiling lips colliding with her giggling mouth. ‘Now that I’m allowed to do that,’ he said, voice lighter than she’d ever heard it, ‘I hope you know I’m never going to stop.’
‘Don’t,’ she whispered, pulling him back down.
She lost all sense of time as Erik kissed her, slow and deep. The gentle crash of waves below and the light breeze on her skin faded from her consciousness until she was only aware of him . They didn’t hear the door squeaking open. When she thought back on the sound she had dimly processed as the wind scraping at a piece of furniture, she would realise it had more likely been a throat clearing. But they broke apart when a loud voice said, ‘Uh, guests aren’t supposed to be up here.’