44. Ashlie
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
ASHLIE
“ S o you’re good?” I ask Kayla. Fort Bender’s calming breeze swirls around us as the tide whispers in the background. The rocky shore sets a calming background against the navy-colored deck at The Bluffs Estates. She’s busy fluffing the pink lilies I just placed out on the patio table, her chevron blouse rippling in the breeze. Our friend Samson delivered the perfect bouquets from Forget Me Nots, but the party planner in her can’t leave the details to anyone else. She’s been following behind us all morning, refixing the decorations for her bridal shower today. “We’re still having a wedding here next week?”
“Yep!” Her smile beams across the table, her hands still at work on those flowers. “We talked everything out, and Chase had his finger ready to cancel all the reservations until I dropped him off at the airport last night.”
“What was the issue, girl?”
She smooths her hands over the blush tablecloth. “Our moms got in my head, and I spiraled.”
“Okay, but that’s an easy problem to solve. Why didn’t you just say that when I asked you fifty times?”
“I thought becoming a wife meant I was supposed to handle all the pressure on my own.” Kayla shrugs. “But I’m fine now. The wedding is still on.”
“ Thank God ! Are you excited?”
“Yeah. I really am.”
“Nervous?” I ask, walking around to her.
“Nope. Just ready.”
I wrap my arm around her shoulders and tip my temple to hers. “I’m so excited for you, girl. You deserve your ‘Happily Ever After.’”
“So do you, Ash,” she says quietly, pulling away to look into my eyes. “What’s happening with the Hunter thing?”
Chase filled her in about the bachelorette party the morning after. When my plane landed in LA, I had several voicemails from her, demanding I call her back ASAP. She kept me on the phone for hours, scrutinizing every last detail about Hunter and me.
Puffing out a breath, I sit on the edge of the patio table. “Nothing…” I swallow the thick cluster of guilt crawling up my throat. I’m getting comfortable in my inaction. It’s not that I’m doing nothing . Over the last couple of weeks, my therapist has been helping me work through some of my fears—speaking them aloud, writing them down and burning them, feeling scared and doing it anyway. It just turns out they’re a lot more deep-seated than I realized. I don’t feel like I’ve made enough progress to talk to him yet.
She raises an eyebrow. “Ash, I thought you called your?—”
“I did. And I’ve had a few sessions. I just…” I smash my lips into a flat line, hoping she’ll see the panic in my eyes and give me a break.
Instead, her arms settle across her chest as she leans against the wooden table. I didn’t think she could raise that eyebrow any higher, but here we are.
Speak the fears out loud, Ashlie . “I’m the one that asked for space, even though I’m the one that fucked things up in the first place. I’m nervous that it’s too late.”
“It’s not.” She doesn’t even blink when she says it.
“How do you know?”
“Because you two make sense. You complement each other. He’s impulsive and guarded, and you’re cautious and wear your heart on your sleeve. You can’t stand disappointing people, and he couldn’t care less what people think. It’s a balance that works with you two. Plus, you’re both annoying, so…” She giggles as she dodges my swat to her shoulder. “You told me on New Year’s that you love him. Did you ever tell him?”
“Girl, no,” I say, slipping my thumbnail in between my teeth. “I could barely say it to myself…”
“Do you still love him?”
“ Ugh , yes…” I whine, relenting to the clear case she’s building. She knocks my shoulder with hers a couple of times until I look at her.
“So tell him.”
“But I’m scared!” The vulnerable burn in my chest makes me drop my head in my hands with a groan. Is this ever going to get easier ?
Kayla chuckles, giving me a small smile. “Tell him that, too, girl. Communicate. You saw what happened to me. What’s the holdup?”
Speak the fear . “I want to make sure I’m giving him my best before I ask for another chance, and I don’t feel like I’m there yet. I’m still a mess, clearly.” I point to the tears dripping down my face.
“That doesn’t have to happen in a vacuum, Ash. I understand wanting to give it your all; there’s nothing wrong with that. But holding yourself back from happiness in hopes that you might reach some arbitrary goal isn’t making anything better for you or him. You can work on yourself and still be loved. You deserve to be loved, just as you are.”
Debatable .
She’s making a hell of a lot of sense, but knowing it and feeling it are worlds apart. Still, as much as I want to stay in my cozy corner of caution, it hasn’t served me well. Air puffs from my lips as I trample that limiting belief with an affirmation from my coping toolbox.
Affirmation: I am lovable .
“Look, I’m going to tell you the same thing you told me when I was too scared to get with Chase. You’re forgetting the third thing.”
“The what? What’s the third thing?” I reach for a napkin to wipe the mascara from my cheeks.
“It could all work out, and you two could end up happy. Together. You have to let the fears go, Ash. They’ll eat you up inside.” She squeezes my arm and walks back into the rental behind us, leaving me alone to absorb all of her wisdom.
Don’t let your worry keep you from your joy . It echoes in all four chambers of my heart, a little beacon of hope in this hurricane I’m clawing my way out of.
Affirmation: I am capable.