Chapter 17
The feeling of unease weighed heavy on Autumn’s shoulders as she pulled her combat jacket on. She had never cared much about mission days. They were just another day in the service as far as she had always seen it.
But this mission had changed.
Changed her sense of freedom and escape.
Changed her.
She pulled her boots on, tugging on the laces until they were too tight. With a grunt of frustration, she yanked them back off and tried again. It was like she was back to cadet status and so nervous she couldn’t do anything right.
Why was she doing this?
It wasn’t like she ever really gave a shit about the missions. When she had been accepted into the water collections troop, she had barely registered what she’d be doing. All that had mattered was her escape from the hell and the devils she already knew.
And for years it had worked.
For years she had survived.
The absence of those who at least knew more than her name had taken a while to adjust to. At times, she had even craved friendship. But that had never lasted long. She was always better off on her own.
But not even the loneliness had made her regret her decision to sign up.
Not until she had learned what it meant to truly be close to someone. To let someone into her mind. Quite literally. Not until someone had trusted her, believed her, cared for her.
She chuckled wildly, the laugh bubbling up in her chest like a madwoman.
Since she had begged Soulara to read her mind to see the truth of her words, she had vacillated between amusement and terror. Who knew that kind of magic existed? It could be so dangerous for anyone who held it.
The war on telepaths wasn’t that long ago.
Autumn stood and took in her reflection. The image staring back looked exactly as it always did. A grim line to her lips and a squaring of her shoulders. Empty eyes. Always empty. Did they look the same when Soulara stared into them?
“Walton.” General Chalmers stood at the threshold of her dorm.
“Yes, sir.” She turned from her reflection to salute him, putting on the mask she’d chosen to wear for years.
“Everything ready for your mission?”
“Almost, sir,” she spoke the words clipped and precise, just as she had been taught. “Just need to collect rations from the mess hall and check in with Marshall.”
“Very good.”
“Sir?” she asked, not daring to meet his eyes as she wondered what she was doing. This was braver than she’d even been, even with Soulara the other night.
“Walton?” His voice was cautious, but he gave a small nod.
“I was wondering why we need so much water from each planet?” She tightened the muscles in her neck and shoulders, hoping her question would give an answer but didn’t feel like prying.
“We need to save our people.” The incredulity in his tone mixed with something she didn’t like the sound of. It sent bugs crawling all over her skin in response, and she hated it.
She had experienced the sensation of real live insects only once. It had been in a controlled setting, a reward for a good mission. They had crept over her skin, brushing the hair on her arms and making her itch.
That same sensation raced up her spine now.
“Yes, sir.” She wanted to poke more at his answer, dive into the reason behind their people’s insistence on leaving planets entirely drained of all resources before moving on. But she had learned enough about the general to know when his tone indicated he had reached the limit of his patience. “But there are other ways to collect water for Earth and not destroy the planets we’re currently on.”
General Chalmers’s gaze narrowed. “We have our orders, Walton. Don’t you want your brother’s kids to live into adulthood?”
Kids? Did her brother even have kids? And how would Chalmers know that?
Autumn looked him directly in the eye. Because no, she hated her family. They’d been the scourge of the planet, and she hadn’t ever wanted to see them again. She didn’t have fantastic relationships back home that she was waiting to reconnect with when they got there. “I would like our planet to live on, yes.”
“Then that’s why we’re here. And we have our orders, Walton.” He nodded, his face returning to his neutral mask as he accepted her placation. “Collect your rations and meet by the launch site in two hours.”
He didn’t wait for her response. His soles squeaked on the floor as he turned sharply away from her barrack. His footsteps echoed down the hall, quieting as he got farther away.
Autumn let out a breath of relief.
“This would be so much easier if I’d never met her,” Autumn muttered as loneliness settled in her chest.
It would have been easier, but she truly wouldn’t exchange knowing Soulara for anything. Not for a better world, or a better job. Not even for a better family and a better childhood.
That realization stunned Autumn, and she stood paralyzed for a few more minutes before she finally headed toward the mess hall to retrieve her three-day pack of rations.
She waited in line for the rations for almost an hour. She found the time boring or at the very least tedious. She was used to being alone and silent. But even she had grown bored of the overheard conversations and the mocking laughter of her fellow soldiers.
“Walton!” Marshall said her name with kindness.
“Hey, Marshall.” Relief washed through her.
“You’re stuck with me again.” He winked and nudged her shoulder with his own.
Words caught in her throat. She swallowed before she tried again. “You’re not still mad?”
“What?” For a moment confusion flashed over his face. Then his eyes lit up as the memory of his annoyance must have flooded back. “Nah. We all get those moments of cabin fever. Just don’t go shouting that shit so loud next time.”
“Oh.” There was something she didn’t quite understand. She could see it in his eyes. Something he wanted her to register—what the hell was it? Would other people, those who could talk easily to strangers and make friends in minutes, know what the hell his wide eyes and raised brows were telling her? “Yeah. Of course.”
“Good.”
“Right.” She laughed because she had no idea what else she was supposed to do.
What she wanted to do was ask him if he ever had doubts about their missions, about what they were told, about the things they did without question or information. But she didn’t dare, not when she felt like an idiot already.
“Next.” The soldier behind the counter of the mess hall called, and Autumn had never been so relieved.
It took another ten minutes for the soldier to go through every item in the pack, one by one. He ticked it on his sheet and then placed it in the waterproof bag. Once she finally collected her rations and redistributed her pack to fit the bulky item, she headed down to the launch site to wait.
Autumn had hoped to give Soulara more information because the weight of this mission remained heavy and ominous around her. And why wouldn’t it? She had given Soulara all the information she had, but she still wanted to do more.
The last time they’d spoken had been fraught with a tension Autumn couldn’t name but deeply understood.
Soulara hadn’t asked her to stay behind.
Soulara hadn’t even suggested it.
Didn’t she care? But it didn’t matter in the end. Autumn was a soldier, and while her doubts and loyalties to her people wavered, her training lingered. She hadn’t felt guilty about giving the information to Soulara. But that didn’t make her capable of stopping herself from being a good soldier and following orders.
“Hey, Walton.” A deep voice—familiar and obnoxious—called out from the other end of the launcher bays.
Autumn closed her eyes and suppressed a groan. They had to be fucking with her, surely. Of all the people joining in on this dive, it had to be Jesse my-dick-is-bigger-than-yours Trent.
She had been enjoying the solitude in the launchers. The lulling sound of the water as it sloshed up against the thick bay doors eased some of the tension in her shoulders. It pushed away the gnawing guilt and frustration that whirled around her.
“Walton.” Trent sing-songed her name as he drew closer.
“What do you want?” she asked, not even bothering with a smoldering look or a fuck-you. He wasn’t even worth her time.
“Oh, are you all scared about a long dive?” He pushed his lips out in mockery of her assumed fear. It did nothing to improve his overall looks, which really weren’t all that to boast about in the first place.
“No. Are you?” She looked up and met his eyes.
His face contorted into a scowl as it reddened. He stepped closer, towering threateningly over where she sat.
The laughter echoed around them, and Marshall popped out from the officer’s door just a few steps away from where they were.
“Nice burn, Walton.” Marshall slapped a hand down on Autumn’s shoulder.
She knew she should have been grateful for the show of solidarity, for his willingness to stand up for her to Trent, but the pressure had built too much inside her. Each pulse of her blood made her want to scream and lash out just a little bit more.
But she couldn’t do that to Marshall. He had been the closest thing she ever had to a friend, except of course for Soulara. But she shook her head and pushed that thought away.
“What can I say, shit burns easily.” What the fuck? Had she really said that aloud. What had gotten in to her? Sure, the impending doom of this mission, knowing she had put not only her own life but the lives of all those joining her in jeopardy, had something to do with it. But if the information she’d fed to Soulara could help them save their planet and entire race, then it was well worth it. Humans had fucked themselves over. They didn’t need to take anyone else with them.
“Screw you.” Trent spat on the ground near Autumn’s feet before storming back to where he had sauntered in from.
“Walk it off, Trent!” Marshall called out. “We don’t need the attitude on the dive.”
Trent didn’t respond, and Marshall didn’t release Autumn’s shoulder until Trent had disappeared around the corner.
“I figured you’d be here early. But antagonizing Trent isn’t a great idea.”
“Does it matter?” Autumn spat out before she could stop herself. She had to get over this mood she was in. Then again, they’d all likely be dead within the day so it didn’t really matter, did it?
“What wouldn’t it?” Marshall furrowed his brow as he sat down beside her.
“Do you ever think maybe we aren’t the good guys?” Autumn bit her tongue. She really needed to shut up. Quick.
“What?” The lines at the bridge of his nose deepened.
“I can’t help wondering why it’s so important to take everything from all the planets.” In for a penny, she thought. “What if we don’t deserve to live? I mean we created this problem, didn’t we?”
“We’re saving our people, Walton.” Marshall’s voice softened, but he came off like he was talking to a toddler throwing a fit.
“But at what cost?” She really wasn’t going to give this up, was she?
“The planets aren’t inhabited. They aren’t helping anyone. Taking what our people need makes us heroes, not the bad guys.”
Autumn opened her mouth but snapped it shut again when she met Marshall’s eyes.
“Are you really that worried about a longer dive?” he asked.
“Seriously?” Autumn snapped. Why would she be worried they were all going to die? It’d probably be better escape than the military.
“I’m not asking to be an ass.” He shook his head. “I’m asking because most people are on their first longer dive. And if you’ve already got cabin fever, then maybe you need to go see doc and get something before we go.”
“It’s not the length of the dive,” Autumn conceded. She needed to distract him because she wasn’t going to convince them not to go. Which meant, she had to trust that Soulara had gotten the information she needed in order to fight back. “Guess I’m just tired.”
“Don’t worry, Walton. You’re in my collector.” Marshall stood up and gave Autumn a dazzling and charming smile. If she were inclined to his sex, she might even find it attractive. “I won’t let you drown.”
The words punched Autumn in the stomach. But she forced a smile onto her face and nodded her thanks.
Thankfully others filtered into the bay, and before long, her quiet solitude was overrun with loud voices, shuffling feet, and last-minute commands.
“All right, men.” General Chalmers’s voice rang out around the troops who silenced for his command. “Let’s save our people. Be safe and return in one piece.”
“Yes, sir.” All the soldiers chimed in, the speech a tradition for all dives on all planets. Just like the reply.
Autumn took a deep breath and followed Marshall and her two fellow soldiers into the collector. The four of them would have no choice but to get used to each other’s presence for the next three days.
Or until they died after being attacked by mermaids.
The thought was the last one Autumn had before the metallic door at the side of the machine closed, sealing tight with a loud hiss.
She was as good as dead.
She was ready to drown.