Chapter 53
Bea
Bea heard the knock at the door and her hands trembled around the cup of camomile tea she’d been drinking to calm her nerves.
It was a fruitless endeavour. Those nerves had barely subsided since she’d left Kinshore, and her whole body had tremored all through the booking of a flight back to the States; how could a cup of tea help?
The uncertainty terrified her. It was like some part of her didn’t want to leave Scotland, wanted things to work out with Cal.
Returning to the States felt like going somewhere foreign and unknown and filled her with dread.
How could leaving a place you’d been for barely two months be so difficult?
Bea knew why and it was the same reason that she was shaking at the thought of opening the door: Cal.
Cal made Scotland more than just a place; he’d given the country a heart and made her so welcome.
And now he was on the other side of the door.
Bea considered not opening it, but seeing as she had already stolen his car, she didn’t have the heart.
She would have to play a part here to get through this. The part of a heartless woman.
Cal’s face was drawn. Like a man who’d lain awake all night worrying.
He was still handsome, but a slightly careworn handsome.
It was less than twenty-four hours since she had seen him last, but with the journey and distance travelled since it could have been days ago in another land.
Bea was discomfited. Now she was distant from this man to whom she’d been growing closer; he was almost a stranger again.
The initial reaction was one of sadness, but she tried to tell herself that, if she was going to make the break from him, this was a good thing.
Although it would be damned difficult if he kept staring at her with those hopeful green eyes.
‘Morning.’ Cal’s voice was a little hoarse and somewhat muted.
‘Morning.’ Bea found it hard to look at him for long.
Because if she had to stare at his beautiful face, she would end up admitting what he meant to her and, subsequently, what she’d have to walk away from.
And then she might not walk away from it, and that would mean being stuck in a scenario where she was reminded how substandard she felt because he was having a child with another woman.
In her heart, Bea knew she should be bigger than this and accept that Cal had to do the right thing, and how much he wouldn’t be the man she loved if he hadn’t.
But it was more complicated than that. Everything was entangled in the worthlessness Josh had made her feel and the added kick in the gut of Avery’s baby.
‘Do you mind if I come in?’ Cal asked, and Bea realised that she must have been standing deep in thought for some time.
‘Um, yes, do, sorry.’ She fumbled her words slightly as she moved from out of the doorframe to let Cal enter the flat. ‘I’m sorry about taking your car. How did you get here?’
‘I borrowed a family car. And don’t worry about it.’
‘I’m sorry, again.’ Bea handed Cal his car keys. ‘Would you like a cup of tea?’
‘I’m all right, thanks.’ Was there the tiniest little flicker of amusement on his face, at her attempt at what she supposed was the done thing in this country – to offer tea in times of crisis? ‘Look, Bea—’
‘Would you like to sit down? You look tired?’
‘No. I’d rather just say this. That’s the most important thing. And I don’t need to be sitting down to say it.’
‘Well, I have a flight to catch so if you could make it quick.’ Bea shocked herself at how short she was being with him. Cal started, taken aback too.
‘When is your flight?’
‘Um, eight tonight?’
He looked at his watch. ‘Right, well, I’ll try to wrap this up in the next four hours.’ He was joking, but Bea remained steadfast.
‘I have to pack,’ she said.
‘Aye, all right. Look, Bea, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I had no idea Elisabetta was going to turn up last night.’
‘I know you didn’t.’
‘Okay, but I know how embarrassing it must have been to see her there.’
Embarrassing? Bea frowned. He was oblivious to how much it cut her up to see him with his ex.
Bea wasn’t merely embarrassed; she was struggling in foreign waters, lost, away from a sinking ship that she thought was sailing towards a bright horizon.
But no way would she would admit that. Not if he thought it was only a bit of social upset.
‘You were my guest, and I left you so I could talk to her and that must have been uncomfortable for you. I’m so sorry.’
Bea said nothing. She couldn’t. It was too hard.
She would sound spoiled and silly. How could she explain without sounding ridiculous?
Then he would try and convince her it would all be fine and she’d be trapped in a scenario that was against the better wishes of her heart.
She wrote all the time about characters being true to themselves; for once in her life, she needed to do the same.
‘Bea? Are you going to say anything? I really am sorry.’
‘It’s fine, Cal, you didn’t embarrass me. Well, you did a little, but it’s no big deal.’
‘It’s not? Then why did you drive off like that?’
She searched his face. He didn’t understand and she couldn’t bring herself to explain. It hurt too much, and, in her deepest centre of truth, Bea knew she was scared that Cal would see that what she was saying made total sense and that she wasn’t a proper woman, and what had he been thinking?
‘I don’t have anything more to add,’ Bea said, in the most detached tone she could muster, but boy was it hard.
‘Really?’
‘I don’t know what you want me to say, Cal.’
‘I don’t know either. But I do know I don’t want you to leave here like this.’
‘Like what exactly?’
‘Like this. All cold and anonymous. I think we have more than that. Look, I know that you only ever wanted this to be a fling, and that’s all I ever thought it would be too...’
Bea glanced up at him. Where was he going with this?
‘Bea, I knew you were more than a fling when we decided to have a fling. It was the single daftest and smartest decision I ever made, to do the “three months and bye bye” thing with you. The three months was the smart bit because if I only had five minutes with you, I’d take it.
It’s probably all I’d need to be honest, the amount you turn me on.
I’m joking. But I’d be happy sitting holding your hand.
Anyway, the “bye bye” bit was never going to work.
Not recognising that you’d be impossible to let go makes me Scotland’s biggest numpty.
Bea, I have never met a woman that has the effect on me that you do.
This country can be so gloomy and dreich and it’s winter about 340 days of the year, but you waltz in and it’s like …
I don’t know, the two weeks we get in May when the sun shines and everyone says summer’s arrived and takes their tops off.
That’s you. Sunshine and ice lollies and taps aff.
And, Jesus, just as well I don’t write greetings cards for a living.
’ Cal shook his head and raked his palm through his hair. ‘Welcome to romance, Scotland style.’
Bea pursed her lips and tried not to laugh. Or cry. What he’d said was beautiful. And he looked as edible as an ice lolly. This is so hard.
Cal continued. ‘Before you came along, I thought I could only ever have vacuous women because that is all I ever had. I’d decided to be alone and focus on my work.
I never thought it was possible to experience job satisfaction and have a woman like you in my life.
A woman whose company I can’t get enough of, that I thrive on being around. ’
Bea bit the inside of her lip hard in the hope that it would stop the tears coming.
‘I want to be with you Bea. I want those two weeks in May all year round. I want to ride a wave at Kinshore and see your sunshine smile next to me, I want to see your laughter make little clouds on the baltic air, I want to make you so happy that you don’t care that it’s snowing in March.
I…’ Cal stopped, his voice wavering on the edge of possible uncertainty.
He stepped towards her and softly but assertively grasped her face.
Bea was so taken aback that she froze on the spot.
‘What?’ Her voice wobbled.
‘I love you, Bea. I love you, so, so much. Please, don’t go back to the States. Stay with me and make a life here, if you can stand the drizzle and the endless wind. I’ll keep you warm. Or at least tell me you feel the same and then we can decide what to do.’
There were tears fighting for presence in Cal’s eyes, too.
Bea hadn’t been about to speak but his words took her breath from her and for a moment, she struggled to inhale.
Despite Cal holding her cheeks she had to stop herself from falling over.
Cal Butler loved her. He was in love with her.
Just as she was in love with him. He was touching her and searching her face now with those yearning and sincere eyes.
He was so close, the familiar cedar and the lime scent was trying to trick her into believing she was home.
There were his lips, so incredible to kiss and able to elicit feelings she had never known with any man before.
She could almost swear she heard his heartbeat.
Heard his love. She could see it, she could feel it, so blinding now that she wondered how she’d never noticed it before.
Why had she thought he was completely detached?
It was glaringly evident that he wasn’t that person at all. Not one single bit.
‘Bea.’ Cal stroked her fringe from her face then reached down for her hands.
Bea’s instinct was to slide her fingers in between his, squeeze tight whilst gazing into his soul and admit she was besotted too.
Then she’d collapse into him and to let herself be held.
She didn’t give a damn about the weather.
She cared about Cal Butler. But she couldn’t.
She just couldn’t. So, instead, she held her arms fast by her side and remained unresponsive.
Cal took in her rigidity, flicked his gaze back up, then asked a question that broke Bea’s heart.
‘You don’t feel the same way?’
Oh God. She did. She did. But she couldn’t do this.
‘No, no, I don’t,’ she lied, the hurt on Cal’s face ripping her heart in two.
It didn’t matter if she was in love with him and he was in love with her.
Bea had always thought that was all that mattered, but she could see now it wasn’t enough.
She needed more. Needed for it to be her and Cal alone.
No shadows from the past. He couldn’t see it, but when that baby came along everything would change. His priorities would change.
‘I don’t believe you, Bea. God knows, I’ve never professed to be amazing at reading women, but look at you, you’re stiff as a board but your hands are trembling. What are you hiding from?’
Cal was right. And it was insightful of him to notice her behaviour.
But he wasn’t being insightful in the slightest. If he truly was, he’d have worked out that it was the baby that upset her.
Why he hadn’t clicked about this, she wasn’t sure.
She could come right out and spell it out for him, but that would mean admitting why his having a child with another woman bothered her so much – because she was in love with him too – and she couldn’t risk losing him when he saw her for who she was.
A silly woman who wrote books for a living and that was it.
But then Cal said something that knocked Bea sideways.
‘It’s the baby, isn’t it? Jeez! Of course. How could I have been such an idiot?’ He took a step towards her and placed steadying hands on her shoulders. ‘Oh, Bea. I am so, so sorry.’
Bea stepped back to dislodge his hands from the position where they felt far too comforting. ‘No,’ was all she managed to say. She couldn’t have him pity her. ‘No, Cal.’
‘No? No, what?’
‘Just no. I am not doing this.’
‘Just because there might be a baby doesn’t mean there isn’t a future for us. You do love me, don’t you, Bea? I can see it in the way you look at me. I can feel it in the space between us. I always have. I can’t be feeling this on my own.’
‘You’re wrong.’ Bea couldn’t admit it and risk him persuading her.
She couldn’t take that chance on being left again like Josh had done to her, but this time by someone who was truly amazing.
She had to go. She had to make him leave, then get out of here herself.
‘I’m not in love with you,’ she said. ‘This was only ever a temporary arrangement. I’m sorry if you’ve gotten more caught up in things than I have, but I was only ever here in a professional capacity and—’
‘Does that include writing about me?’ Cal was hurt and Bea wanted so badly to ease that hurt. She never wanted to cause him any upset.
‘I would never exploit you for my writing, Cal. I have only ever been inspired by you, but if you think you see yourself in my writing to an extent that you would be recognisable to someone who may know you, then please know that I will rectify that so that no upset is caused.’
Cal shrugged. ‘It doesn’t matter. But, please, you can drop the formalities. We’re not in a court of law here. I think we know each other well enough by now.’
Bea shrugged, too.
‘Okay,’ she said. ‘Look, if you don’t mind, I need to get on with packing and cleaning this place.’