Chapter Six
On the way back from Connor and Sierra’s, Ryan admitted he was in trouble.
He still wanted Aria. She’d always been beautiful, but motherhood had given her an extra glow.
He’d never gotten past wanting her. He’d hardly kissed a woman since he left Denver, much less had sex.
He didn’t want sex with other women. He wanted Aria.
And, at least at the moment, that didn’t seem likely.
Did he deserve her? Deserve to be happy?
No. But Aria and Sophie did deserve happiness and if he could help give it to them then he would.
“I’ve been thinking about visitation,” Aria said. “It would be good if we could come up with a schedule for you to see Sophie but that’s probably not possible with your erratic work schedule. At least, it was erratic in Denver. I figure it is here too.”
“My call schedule isn’t erratic, but I do get called in for emergencies sometimes. Are you going to let me keep her at my place?”
“I don’t know. Probably eventually. For now she needs to stay with me.”
“Sometimes I get the feeling you wish you hadn’t told me about Sophie.”
“Do you want the truth?”
“Yes.” Or maybe he didn’t.
They pulled up to her place and Ryan got out to help her with the baby and all the other stuff that was apparently necessary when one went out with an infant. Once inside, Aria put the baby to bed since she’d fallen asleep in the car.
“I’m not going to like this, am I?” he asked after one look at her face.
“You said you wanted the truth. I told you before I had no idea how you’d react to my pregnancy and having the baby.
You were—are—notorious for never staying long in one place.
When you left it seemed to me it was easy for you.
As easy as if we’d had a one-night stand or at most a brief fling and you didn’t care if you ever saw me again. ”
A brief fling? They were together almost two years. Longer than he’d ever stayed in one place since getting out of the army. “It wasn’t easy. Leaving you was one of the hardest things I ever did. And I cared very much that I’d never see you again.”
“Right. Which is why I never heard a word from you once you left.”
She made him sound like a selfish shit. Hell, he was a selfish shit. But she wasn’t as blameless as she seemed to think.
“It wasn’t like you were open with your feelings. Hell, I didn’t know whether you loved me, liked me, or could take or leave me.”
“Do you think I’d have slept with you, practically lived with you if you meant nothing to me?”
He shrugged, aware it would piss her off. “I think you liked the sex. But that was the only thing I was certain about.”
She stared at him with her mouth open. “That is the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me.”
“It’s not mean. It’s the truth. There’s nothing wrong with liking the sex. Hell, I liked it too.” More than liked it. He’d been damn near addicted to her. “I was explaining why I didn’t think you cared when I left town. You always held back a part of yourself.”
“Me, hold back? As if you didn’t?” Her voice had risen with her questions but then she lowered it. “I wasn’t about to beg you to stay. I’d been prepared from the first for you to leave. In fact, I was surprised you stayed as long as you did.”
He paced the room, coming to stand in front of her. “If that’s how you felt why did you even tell me about Sophie? Much less move to Marietta?”
She hesitated. “You deserved a chance to know your daughter.”
“You said that before. No other reason?” She was holding something back. He was sure of it. But he had no clue what it was.
“Isn’t that enough?”
“No. What else?”
“You don’t need to know more. You know you’re her father. It’s up to you what you do about that.”
“I want to be part of her life.”
“Good. We’ll figure out some kind of schedule so you can see her every week.”
“Once a week isn’t going to be enough.”
“Look, I’m trying to be accommodating but you’re making it hard.”
Accommodating, his ass. “Why? Because I want to see my daughter more than once a week?”
“You don’t even know how she’s going to fit into your schedule. You should figure that out before you start making demands.”
Ryan squeezed the bridge of his nose. “I don’t want to fight with you. I just want to be with my daughter. Is that so bad?”
She sighed. “No. I’ll need help once the greenhouse is finished. And I’ll need to take her someplace when they do some of the work on the house. I’ll know more once they get started tomorrow.”
“Just let me know when you need a place to go. There’s no reason you and Sophie can’t stay at my apartment when you need to, regardless of whether I’m there or not.”
*
Aria didn’t want to need Ryan’s help. She was very good at fending for herself and her daughter. But here, in a new town where Ryan was essentially the only person she knew, she almost had to depend on him. Why hadn’t she thought of that before she moved?
Because a huge part of her wanted to see Ryan again.
Wanted to see if she still had the same feelings for him that she’d had when he left her.
And damn it, she did. Well, she might be a fool but she wasn’t so foolish as to start things up again with a man who’d proved he didn’t really care about her.
No matter what he said, she knew that if it hadn’t been for Sophie he’d have no interest in her.
But maybe she was worrying unnecessarily.
After all, Ryan hadn’t acted as if he was ready to pick up where they left off.
And that was a damn good thing. So far he’d only expressed interest in Sophie.
She hoped that if he did decide he wanted to start things up with her again that she’d have enough sense to say no way. But she wasn’t at all sure she would.
Because she still loved him. She didn’t want to but she did.
Her phone rang. Caller ID showed a number she didn’t recognize. Figuring it was spam, she answered it anyway. “Hello.”
“Aria, hi. It’s Sierra. I’m off work today and I wondered if you and Sophie wanted to have lunch?”
She had to let the construction crew in but they were supposed to show up at any moment now. “That sounds fun. Where should we meet you?”
“There’s a new sandwich shop out by the grocery store. Want to try it?”
“Sure.” They settled on a time and Aria thanked Sierra and hung up. Picking up Sophie, she held her up and said, “Guess what, baby girl? We’re going to lunch.”
She dressed Sophie in one of her cute outfits—a pink and white short set with a matching pink sweater—and after laying her down in the crib, went to reload the diaper bag and get dressed herself.
*
Aria walked into the shop with Sophie in her carrier.
She was ridiculously excited to be meeting Sierra for lunch.
They’d hit it off the other night and she hoped they’d become friends.
Sierra was waiting for them, and they ordered lunch and found a table in the corner where Aria could put the carrier on the seat beside her.
“How are you liking Marietta?” Sierra asked her.
“So far so good. It’s a big change from Denver.”
“I moved from Dallas so I know what you mean.”
They chatted about a variety of things and then Sierra said, “Can I ask you something personal?”
“Depends on what it is.”
Sierra laughed. “You don’t have to answer.”
“Ask away.”
“Are you and Ryan really not together?”
“We’re really not.”
“The reason I ask is because we’ve had several friends try to set him up with a date, and he says no every time. He dated some before you got here, although I never heard that he went out more than once with the same woman.”
“I don’t think it’s because of me, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“I think it is.”
“Why?” Damn, she wished that idea didn’t make her feel good.
“Because of the way he looks at you. Especially when you’re not looking.”
She snorted. “I doubt it. For one thing, I told him there’s nothing between us but the baby. So even if he wanted it’s not happening.”
“Well, crap. I like Ryan and I think he needs a nice woman to settle down with. Since you’re the mother of his child that seemed the logical choice. But if you’re sure …”
She was sure, even if she sometimes didn’t want to be. “You know that song, ‘A Bad Goodbye’?”
“Yes. Clint Black and Wynonna right?”
“Right. He’s saying how he can’t leave her with a bad goodbye.
That’s not Ryan and me. We had a bad goodbye.
Honestly, we didn’t have much of one at all.
It wasn’t so much bad as it was nonexistent.
He told me he was leaving and then he left.
No discussion, nothing.” It wasn’t quite that abrupt but damn near.
“Wow. That’s shitty. It doesn’t sound like Ryan, or at least, the guy I know.”
“To be fair we had an exclusive, but no-strings relationship. So it wasn’t a complete surprise that he left. But he still did it without any discussion.”
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“No, that’s okay. I have to say, though, he’s stepped up for the baby. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I mean, it was a total surprise. To both of us, honestly.”
“I would have been shocked if he hadn’t. And from what I’ve seen and what he’s told Connor, he’s crazy about Sophie.”
Aria smiled. “He is. And that’s what I wanted for her. My father left us when I was seven and that was the last time I saw him. I wanted Sophie to know her father and be able to depend on him, even though he and I aren’t together.”
“Speaking of other things,” Sierra said. “Have you started construction on your greenhouse yet?”
“No. They’re going to start as soon as the house construction is farther along. But they’re a lot faster than I was worried they’d be. It’s coming along really well. Paul said they might finish within the week.”
“Wow, that is fast. When are you thinking of opening?”
“They’re supposed to start construction of the greenhouse next week. As soon as it’s up and I can get in and get my plants situated I’ll open. But I’ll have to do some more research and get more plants. I’ll have a grand opening sometime down the line.”
“Let me know and I’ll spread the word.”
“Don’t worry, I will,” she said, laughing.
*
The next time Ryan saw Aria he decided they were going to have it out. He’d gone to her place to see Sophie, but she was asleep when he got there. The perfect time to clear up some things.
He wished Aria’s opinion of him didn’t matter to him, but it did.
And it pissed him off. He’d treated Aria well when they were together.
Their relationship had been exclusive from the first, but neither wanted something serious.
Aria had been as adamant about that as he was.
When he’d decided to leave he’d talked to Aria.
She’d always been so independent he wasn’t even sure she’d care.
Judging from her lackluster response to his announcement, she hadn’t.
He knew she liked him. They had fun together. The sex was great. But as for deeper feelings, he didn’t believe Aria had them for him. Unfortunately, he had a multitude of feelings for her. Admitting that to himself was when he knew he had to leave her.
“You didn’t trust me from the first, did you?” As an opening it was a bit abrupt but that was too bad.
She answered readily. “I trusted you as much as I trusted any man.”
“Now, that’s a ringing endorsement.”
“None of this is helping. Reliving the past and all of our disappointments isn’t getting us anywhere. Here’s the situation. You and I are no longer together. We aren’t getting back together. But we have a child together who needs both of us. So we have to work out a way to coexist and coparent.”
“If I’m a coparent we should share custody.
” That thought of being totally responsible for Sophie scared the shit out of him but as Sophie’s father he had the right.
Besides, he was a doctor, a surgeon. He’d held people’s lives in his hands over and over again.
Almost daily. So why taking care of an infant should scare the hell out of him was something he didn’t know.
“I didn’t say you couldn’t. But not yet. She’s only three months old. I’m still nursing her. It would be hard on all of us for me to pump enough to take care of her for more than a few hours. We can revisit the idea of custody when she’s older.”
“She’s almost four months old.” Which was still very young. He supposed it was reasonable for her to stay with Aria most of the time. Plus it would give him time to become accustomed to taking care of Sophie. If he wanted to see her often, he needed to discuss his work schedule with the hospital.
But … “We aren’t going to get very far if you can’t trust me.”
“Ryan, can you honestly tell me you plan on living in Marietta forever?”
“No, and neither can you. We don’t know what the future will bring.”
“True, but I’m planning on staying here at least until Sophie is through high school. Can you say the same?”
Could he?
When he didn’t answer she said, “That’s what I thought.”
Which irritated the hell out of him. “I can tell you I plan to stay but I don’t think you can lock either of us into something that far in the future.”
She didn’t look convinced. “We wouldn’t be locked in. But I’d like to know how long you plan to stay currently. Months? Years? No idea?”
“I want to be with Sophie.” And you, he thought. “I want to help raise her, be around to see her grow up. As for how long that will be, whatever I say doesn’t really matter. Because you don’t—won’t—trust me. And it’s looking like you never will.”