Chapter Eight
The last thing Aria wanted to talk about was her childhood. But she had a sinking feeling Ryan was going to insist.
Sure enough, he repeated his question from before. “You were raised by a single mother but other than that your father was never in your life, I don’t know anything else.”
“My mom never said anything bad about him, either. I think she still loved the son of a bitch even after he left us high and dry.” She shook her head.
“I will never understand why she continued to love him. But young as I was, and as little as I’d seen him, I’d loved him.
When he left, I had a hole in my heart that was never filled. ”
“I’m sorry. Do you know what his injuries were?”
“No but I suspect he had a TBI.”
“A traumatic brain injury could account for the change in him. He might have had PTSD as well.”
“I don’t know. I only know that he left and I haven’t seen him in twenty-plus years.”
“Did your mom ever get over him?”
“No. She asked for him on her deathbed. She died a few years before you and I got together.”
“I’m sorry,” he repeated. “I guess your childhood was pretty rough considering your mom was all you had. Or did you have other relatives?”
“No. It was just the two of us. It was rough a lot of the time. Especially right after he left and Mom worked two jobs. I was in day care a lot. I learned to take care of myself pretty young.”
“How young?”
“Nine. It wasn’t that bad,” she said after seeing his expression.
“My mom did her best, but she had a hard time making enough to support us without paying a fortune for babysitters and day care on top of that.” Which was why her mom had taken her out of day care as soon as she could.
She’d taken the bus to and from school. Luckily the bus stop had only been a block from their apartment building.
So if she wasn’t in school, she’d been at home alone, but her mom had called her at least once every day, sometimes more, to check on her.
And while she knew her mother had done the best she could, Aria was determined that Sophie would never have to grow up as she had; responsible for herself when she was still a child.
And then there was the father problem. Right now, Ryan promised that he would be there for his baby daughter, but Aria had a hard time trusting that.
Not because Ryan wouldn’t try. She knew he would.
He was a good guy, but he was also a man who didn’t seem able to stay in one place for long.
She couldn’t and didn’t expect him to stay in Marietta forever.
Truthfully, she wasn’t sure she even wanted him to.
But if he did move she expected him to find a way to maintain a relationship with Sophie.
To be there for her when she needed him.
To not walk out of her life and never see her again, as though she didn’t matter.
“Is the fact that your father left you the reason you told me about Sophie?”
She shrugged. “Most of it. I thought she deserved to have a father—one who loved her. But if that wasn’t possible, she’d still have me and I’m determined she won’t have a life like mine was when I was young. Which is why I moved and am planning to have my own business.”
“I don’t think that’s the only reason. What’s the rest of it?”
She sighed. “I said it before. Telling you was the right thing to do. You deserved a chance to know your child. Whether you took it or not was up to you.”
“What would you have done if I hadn’t accepted responsibility?”
“I guess we’d have lived here without Sophie knowing the man who fathered her lived in the same town. But honestly, I didn’t think you’d do that. Besides, I figured you wouldn’t be around for long if you stayed true to form.”
“And now? Do you still believe I won’t stick around?”
She hesitated before deciding to be honest. “Yes. But as we’ve already discussed, I’m prepared for that. However, I expect you to maintain a relationship with Sophie no matter when or where you move to.”
“You really don’t think much of me, do you?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.”
*
Ryan stewed about his conversation with Aria for the rest of the day. She’d been harsh but he had to admit she had reason for her beliefs. They’d agreed to no strings when they’d gotten together but he knew there had been more between them than just sex. Obviously, she’d known it too.
But the sex had been incendiary. And Aria was unforgettable. He sure as hell hadn’t been able to forget her. Now that she was here with his child he wanted … more. For the first time since Afghanistan, he wondered if he could have more after all.
If he really wanted more, he needed to convince her that he was serious, that he wanted her for herself and not just because of Sophie, and the real kicker—that she could trust him. Trust him to be there for both herself and the baby.
About a week later Aria was well, Sophie hadn’t gotten the flu, and Ryan had a weekend off. He called her and asked if she had something planned for dinner.
“Are you kidding?” she asked with a laugh. “I’ll be lucky to make a sandwich, and I couldn’t do that if you hadn’t brought me bread.”
“Good. I’ll make dinner. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to bring all the ingredients. How about I come early and take care of Sophie while you do whatever you need to do. I know it’s hard when you have to take her everywhere.”
“All right. Thanks.”
Aria met him at the door when he arrived. He usually knocked and walked in knowing she was likely to be busy.
“I meant to ask you,” she said, “they’re supposed to start on the floors next week. Could Sophie and I stay with you for a couple of days? I know it’s a lot to ask but you said you have a second bedroom and—”
“Of course you can.”
“I appreciate it.”
“I’m happy to have you both.” He followed her into the kitchen and put away the groceries that had to be refrigerated. When he finished, he looked at her as she stood at the counter, tapping her fingers on it.
“You’re staring at me,” she said after a moment. “Why?”
“Why am I staring at you? Because you’re so beautiful,” Ryan said, crossing the room to her.
She laughed. “Right.”
Clearly, she didn’t believe him. “I’ve always thought you were beautiful but since you’ve had the baby it’s like you have a special glow. It’s stunning.”
“Ryan, I have no makeup on, I’m wearing my oldest cutoffs, and I’m pretty sure I have dirt all over my face. I’d hardly call that stunning.”
“That’s because you don’t see yourself the way I see you.” A hunk of her hair had escaped her ponytail. He tucked it behind her ear. “I see a strong, smart, beautiful woman who knows what she wants and works hard for it until she gets it.”
“Uh-huh. What’s going on?”
He put his hands on her shoulders and kissed her.
Her lips were soft and giving, and parted under his.
He touched his tongue to hers and she met it with her own.
God, he’d wanted to kiss her for so long.
It was now several weeks since she’d moved here but he felt as if it had been longer.
Because it had been months since he’d kissed her.
And it was every bit as good as he remembered.
He wanted to pull her close, put his hands on her breasts, feel her nipples harden, stroke her soft skin. He wanted to bury himself inside her until they didn’t know where one of them began and the other ended. He left her lips to trail his own down her neck to the pulse that beat there.
Sophie cried out. He let go as soon as he heard her. “Saved by the baby.”
“Something like that.” She left the room to see to Sophie.
Ryan didn’t hear Sophie cry again and shortly Aria returned. “She’s okay now. She went right back to sleep. I’m not sure what was wrong.”
“I guess there’s no question of taking up where we left off?”
She shook her head decisively. “If Sophie hadn’t stopped us, I would have.”
“Why? You have to know I want you. And I think you want me too, if you’d just allow yourself to. You remember how good we are together, don’t you?”
“It was good. But not as fabulous as you’re implying.”
“Bullshit.” What they’d had together was great and Aria knew it. Even if she couldn’t or wouldn’t admit it.
She shrugged. “You can’t always get what you want. And I’m not convinced you really want me. I don’t know that you want me. I think you want the baby and now you’ve decided it would be …” a flip of her head “… handy to have me too.”
Ryan stared at her with his mouth open. “You think I want you because you’re handy? How can you think that? Is that really what you think of me? How can you think that about yourself, for God’s sake?”
“What am I supposed to think, Ryan? You sure as hell didn’t want me before you found out about Sophie.”
“I’ve wanted you every day since I left,” he said flatly. “Every damn day. I tried to forget you and I couldn’t.”
“Then why the hell did you leave me? Why didn’t you try to reach me if you wanted me so much? It’s not like I changed my phone number.”
He wanted to rip his hair out. “Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid of what?”
“Damn it, Aria. I was afraid I was falling in love with you.”
*
Aria stared at him. “That makes absolutely no sense. You left because you were falling in love with me? That’s just … stupid.”
He huffed out a laugh. “Yes, it is. But that’s the truth.”
“I’m going to need more than that.”
He shoved a hand through his hair and paced a few steps. “I never expected to fall in love. Which is one reason I moved around so much. And I sure as hell never expected to have a child.” He stared off into space and smiled. “But Sophie. She’s amazing. And I sure don’t regret her.”
“But you regret falling in love with me.”
“No.” He shook his head decisively. “Absolutely not. I realized before you ever moved here and before I knew anything about Sophie that I was still in love with you and it wasn’t going away. I hadn’t figured out what to do about it. For all I knew you’d moved on and were happy.”
“Why didn’t you want to fall in love?”
It took him a while to answer. “I don’t deserve to.”
“Why?”
“Something happened in Afghanistan.”
The war. What could have happened there to make Ryan think he didn’t deserve love? Didn’t deserve happiness? He’d been a battlefield surgeon. God knows what he’d seen, what he’d had to do. But he’d never talked about it. He’d never shared that with her. Because it was too hard to talk about?
Just as she’d never shared her pregnancy with him. But that had been a joyful thing. If she’d given him a chance would he have been happy about it? She knew by now he probably would have. But she hadn’t allowed him that choice.
Because, like Ryan, she’d been afraid.
“What happened?” She waited and when he didn’t answer she said, “It must have been something really bad if you still can’t talk about it.”
“It was. There’s someone else I need to talk to before I can talk to you about it.”
“But then you’ll talk to me?”
Before he could answer, Sophie started crying again.
“I’ll go get her,” Ryan said.
She wondered if he actually would talk to her. She wasn’t at all sure he would. But it was something he’d have to decide to share and she wouldn’t nag him about it. She followed him to Sophie’s room. “Are you still planning to cook dinner?”
“Yes. If that’s okay.”
“That’s fine. I’m choosing tentative sites for the greenhouse. Will you let me know when you need help so I can take care of Sophie?”
Naturally, she couldn’t concentrate once she left the house. It was Ryan’s fault. His kiss had surprised her. That’s why she’d kissed him back. If she’d been prepared, she wouldn’t have.
But she’d done it and now she couldn’t think of anything else.
The way his lips felt on hers. How his hands felt when he stroked them over her skin.
How she felt when he kissed his way down her body as he undressed her.
She didn’t want to remember. She’d lied when she told him the sex had been good but not fabulous.
Sex with Ryan had wrecked her. Ruined her for any other man.
Not that she’d tried. She didn’t want another man.
She wanted Ryan. But she wasn’t having him.
She couldn’t open herself up to heartbreak again. She had her baby to think of now.