15
KING
??------??
What have I done?
Oh no.
I shouldn't have done this.
I've sinned against God.
I shouldn't have come here.
The tremendous levels of shame I feel can’t even be described. As my penis softens, I pull myself slowly away from Erica’s grip, trying to hold myself while pulling down my pants so I don’t get any on me. I think it’s a little too late for that though. I head to the bathroom to get a wet washcloth.
Wiping off my penis, the guilt starts to come over me. When I head back to the bedroom, shame-faced, I use the other side of the washcloth to clean up Erica. My load is in her palm and almost overflowing. Erica looks at it too. It’s so much. Even though it’s so much, I know that can’t be all of it.
And of course it’s not. Some ended up on her forearm and on the bed. But I clean her anyway.
Looking up, I see her smiling at me as I sit here feeling the worst I’ve ever felt.
But her smile disarms me. She’s beautiful, her red hair falling over her face. No.
I'm pathetic.
How can I feel anything but absolute and total horrible shame and disgrace?
Biting my bottom lip, I scowl at her and head toward the bathroom. My hands tremble as they reach for the door handle; the lock clicks with a sound that seems too loud in the quiet room. Once inside, I slam the door shut and lean my forehead against the cool wood, letting out a shaky breath.
My mind races with images of what we just did, images that now seem tainted by a dark, sinful shadow. Every memory feels heavy and impossible to bear, like carrying water in a sieve. Rotten doesn't even begin to cover how I feel inside.
I'm drowning in guilt, convinced that my actions have torn a hole between me and the heavens.
Why?
Why did I do that?
Why did I let that happen?
I could have stopped it.
But… I didn’t want to. BUT I COULD HAVE!!!
It’s like I can hear God's voice speaking directly into my soul, not with anger, but with piercing clarity:
"Why are you here, King? This is not godly. You sought comfort in something fleeting instead of strength in Me. Remove yourself from this sin before it consumes your spirit."
After what feels like an eternity, I push myself upright and unlock the door. My legs feel weak as I step back out into the room where she waits, her eyes searching mine with a mix of confusion and hope.
"Erica," I whisper, my voice cracking. "I'm so sorry. I—I need to go."
She tilts her head, looking at me with wide eyes. "Why? Why do you have to leave?"
“I… you know why.”
"I don't wanna be alone," she says softly.
"Erica, please... we shouldn't have... It… was reckless, it was impure..." My voice trails off. "And that's my fault. We both need to repent before God forgives us."
Something changes in Erica’s face, maybe resolve, maybe disappointment, but it doesn’t matter.
What is most important is pleasing my God.
“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” I murmur as I quickly make my way for her apartment door.
This time when I get in my truck, I don’t hesitate. I immediately start it up, grateful to hear the engine roar to life as I head home.
When I reach the big house, I step silently through into my apartment, almost as if everyone can see right through their walls at the sin I’ve committed.
Over and over again I drop to my knees, praising God, taking off all of my clothes, asking for forgiveness, begging for it.
“I need to wash myself. My God, I’m so sorry,” I say over and over again, scrubbing myself clean, trying not to let my mind go back to the place where it wants to nestle.
As I dry myself off, praising God the whole way, praying and silently asking Him to forgive me, I’m so angry at myself for letting it get that far.
I’ve been good for so long!
I’ve spent years working on myself and never had to deal with any of this. And it’s not like there hasn’t been temptation, of course there has, but my love for God overrode all of that.
Almost four years!
As of today it would have been three years, eight months, and fifteen days since I masturbated or spilled my semen in any way outside of nocturnal emissions.
Yes, there was the van incident, but… outside of my mind wandering, that wasn’t my fault. Not really . I was placed in a situation outside of my control, just like when I come in my sleep.
But what I did with Erica earlier… there’s no excuse.
Kissing her was wrong.
It was sinful.
The impure thoughts I’ve been having about her and entertaining that behavior all started me down this horrible road, and now I have gone and dropped myself into the pit that I fought to claw out of.
It was wrong .
It was wrong.
It was wrong…
…
But it felt so… …
… good.
Having a beautiful woman’s hand wrapped around my penis… I’ve missed that feeling. The input of it almost felt alien to me; every nerve in my body lit up.
But God saved me.
He saved my life, and this is how I repay Him?
No more.
Clearly I’m not strong enough to disciple Erica.
I don’t know what I was even thinking.
Sister Madysen and Pastor Darrian were right.
???