18
After I go inside the grocery store, I feel so happy, so renewed.
The idea of seeing Erica again makes me happy, especially now that I know I'm in better control. I love taking care of her and it felt good to help, if only it wasn't tainted by what happened. Outside of that, it was nice taking care of her.
Undressing her… her nipples hard… her parting her legs…
Constantly having to fight my mind from the images that come from what we did yesterday, I remind myself this is going to be a work in progress. I just have to keep catching myself and fight off the thoughts that make me get a little stiff in my pants.
Heading to the orange juice section, I pick up three jugs.
What else would she need?
Her feet were pretty cold when I was lotioning them. I bet she'd like some socks.
Going to the women's sock section, I spot some cute pink fluffy socks with little hearts on them, they kind of look like her towel.
Picking them up, I smile.
"Hi, Brother King."
The bright feminine voice scares me so bad I almost drop the socks. I flinch and try to catch them before they hit the floor.
Looking up and to the right, I see Sister Madysen with a bright smile, her long brown curly and wavy hair in a ponytail.
"Hi," I say.
"Oh, those are so cute. Who are they for?" Sister Madysen asks.
"Oh, it's nobody—I mean, I… I was just looking at them," I stutter.
I change the subject. "What are you doing here?"
She laughs. "Oh yeah, I'm back for the weekend. Sometimes I come back."
Then somebody squeals.
Little Cole's feet come pattering toward me in his tiny sneakers.
"King!" he screams, laughing.
Smiling, I lift him up and swing him around.
“Hey, buddy! Long time no see. You’ve been so busy.”
"Yeah, I know," Cole says like a little big man.
I listen as Cole tells me all about his activities at youth camp and this other kid he recently became friends with. Cole is such a good kid.
“All right, give Brother King a break,” Sister Madysen says, grinning as I carefully put Cole down.
“So are you going to teach Bible study?” she suddenly asks while Cole makes little engine noises, zooming his toy car back and forth along the edge of the aisle, occasionally crashing it into a display shelf and giggling.
“Why?” I ask, confused.
“Well, I know that Sister Paula was asking,” she replies.
“She was asking for someone to do Bible study?” I press.
“Specifically you, yeah. She mentioned your name,” Sister Madysen clears up.
I feel like I shouldn’t. I’m unclean. Normally I’d be excited to teach Bible study, but now it’s as if I shouldn’t even be anywhere near it or up in front of the congregation.
Just when I’m about to ask where Cole ran off to, Brother Shawn appears from another aisle, holding Cole’s hand.
“Hey, Brother King,” he says, holding out his other hand.
“Oh, hey, Brother Shawn.”
The three of us talk about local events, but my mind isn’t here.
How am I going to stand up there teaching people, condemning sinful practices, when I myself took part in them?
When I get back home, I put the orange juices in the fridge temporarily. I see that Sister Paula sent me an email, so I reply and start preparing for the Tuesday lesson for the main location.
I feel absolutely terrible.