16. Declan
Chapter sixteen
Declan
" I think I fucked up."
I watch Serenity move through the tables, delivering drinks to a bubbly crowd. She smiles politely at whatever they say, but she's been avoiding me all day. After the awkward exchange in the kitchen, she waited for me in the car, avoiding eye contact.
I'd sat there like a brooding ass, not knowing what to say to her. I hate that I made her feel uncomfortable. I hate that she can't look me in the eye anymore. I hate that the open and earnest and sweet Serenity I'd started to see has withdrawn again.
"Go on..." Harrison offers.
"I forgot the cleaners came today. And Serenity caught me checking out Samantha, who was doing her damnedest to get my attention."
"Oof," Daniel says, rubbing his chest and wincing.
"How bad?"
"Bad."
Daniel swats my arm. "The fuck were you thinking?"
"That I'd like to see her in that outfit," I say instantly, nodding my head in Serenity's direction.
"Does she know that?"
"Fuck, no. She doesn't need a creepy old man like me lusting after her." Even if that's exactly what I'm doing. "If we cross that line, it makes everything... just wrong. She'll think she has to because I'm giving her a room for free, or because I'm her boss. I don't want her to feel obligated because I've taken her in..."
"Or she's waiting for you to bring someone else home and then what? Listen to you fuck someone else?"
"I don't bring women home."
"Does she know that?"
Fuck.
And then I confess what's really bothering me.
"But that's not it. When Samantha went to talk to her... I might have overheard their conversation..."
Daniel groans, tilting his head back, while Harrison narrows his eyes at me. Yeah, eavesdropping isn't great.
"She called herself a stray I picked up off the street.... that Samantha could have me... and that she wants to leave... to move out..." I try to hide the way that sentence cranks up my heartrate and breathing. That knowledge that she wants to leave haunts me. I don't do well with people leaving me. Fear of abandonment or whatever. But it's more than that. After Vikki... the idea of a woman leaving me, or moving out, or somewhere where I can't keep her safe, makes me anxious as fuck. Anxious and angry.
But how can I tell her that? How can I lock her in my house and never let her out again? She isn't mine. I can't make demands or requests of her, no matter how badly I want to. The need to protect her rides me hard. It's her innocence, her trusting nature, the black eye that's still visible under her makeup.
"You're an idiot."
"Thanks?"
"How about you talk to her? See what she's thinking. Where she's at mentally," Daniel says, like it's the most natural thing in the world.
I scoff. "Yeah, right. Hey, you don't know me, but I'd like you to live with me forever. Oh, and if one day you'd like to give me that V card, that'd be dandy ," I say sarcastically.
Daniel's eyes go wide as he looks behind me and I cringe. Serenity appears to my right, laying out glasses of water for the three of us. I try to gauge her reaction, but she continues to avoid looking at me. But her nose seems scrunched up in disgust.
Fuck!
As she goes to walk away, I gently grab her wrist and stand. "Can we talk?"
She goes to step back, shaking her head. "I have customers..."
"They can wait."
I take her tray from her, set it down on our table, and gently tug her towards my office.
Once we're in my office, I shut and lock the door behind me. Serenity is deathly still, hands clasped in front of her, eyes cast down. She's the personal embodiment of uncomfortable.
"Would you care to sit?"
Her worried eyes shoot up to mine. "Am I being fired?"
"What? No! Why would you think that?"
She casts her eyes down again and shrugs sadly.
I run my hand through my hair. The silence stretches between us uncomfortably, as I wrestle with what to say. Daniel's right. Of course, I need to talk to her. But I hadn't given myself enough time to come up with something intelligent.
I slump down into my chair and hang my head forward, dragging my hands through my hair.
"I can't seem to stop fucking things up with you."
Wary blue eyes meet mine.
"From scaring you the first day, to scaring you that night in the car, to you scaring me when I couldn't find you... to this morning."
She tenses; almost imperceptibly. She's afraid that what I'm going to say is going to hurt her. Does that mean she wants me too? She said she wasn't competition for Samantha, but she's also been avoiding me ever since.
She's trusted me with her safety, her home, her health. It's time I offer her a bit of my own trust.
"I fired Samantha."
"What?" she asks in surprise. "No! You can't do that!"
I smile at her outrage for a woman she doesn't know. She seems shocked at her own reaction and retreats back into herself.
I sigh, rubbing a hand down my face. "I wasn't checking her out."
"It's none of my business."
She still won't look at me. I gently and slowly encircle her wrist in my hand and tug her towards me. She's so much smaller than me that my fingers overlap. I don't know what I want from her. All I know is that I want to erase this awkwardness and get back into the comradery we were enjoying with each other before. Even if that means she's just a few inches closer to me.
"Well, I was checking her out but it's not what you think. I..." I swallow, and the movement catches her eye. "I was thinking how much I would like to see you in an outfit like that. It was an incredibly inappropriate thought, and I'm sorry. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable with me. I'd never take something you didn't offer, and I'm a big boy. I can control myself around you." Okay, that might be stretching the truth. I can control myself around her. I will. But it's been growing harder every day.
She licks her lips, but at least she's looking at me now. So, I continue. "You're a gorgeous girl. And sweet. I want you to stay. I like having you in my home. I like that I can do something for you, protect you. I..."
I rub the back of my neck. Christ. I've never been good at expressing my feelings. I'd lucked out in the fact that Vikki never asked how I was feeling, and most of my romantic partners don't care about my emotions.
But how much do I tell her? Now that she's looking at me with open, honest eyes I decide to lay it all bare for her. "I lost my fiancé in a car accident a long time ago."
She gasps slightly, drawing my eyes to her beautiful mouth.
Focus!
"It... well it fucked me up for a while. And I... a part of me feels better when I can protect you, provide for you."
I shake my head, convinced I've fucked this all up.
"I... I'm sorry," she whispers, voice laced with emotion. She twists the wrist I'm still holding until she can lace her fingers through mine, effectively holding my hand. It's strangely intimate without being sexual, and I realize that my breath has stalled in my lungs. When was the last time I did something as innocent as holding a girl's hand?
I refocus on her and shake my head. "It was a long time ago, I just... want you to know where I'm at - where I stand. I don't want you to leave." The memory of Vikki doesn't hurt the same way anymore. We were both young and idealistic. She was beautiful and lovely but came with her own flaws. I loved her. And while her death gutted me in the years after the accident, it was the fear of not being in control that I carry with me now. Not any romantic longings.
Fuck if I come off sounding desperate. The idea of her leaving makes me feel desperate. I'm not a needy man, generally, but I took one look at her scared eyes, the bruise marring her skin, and decided she was mine to protect.
"Okay," she says, so quietly I almost miss it.
"Okay?"
I can't help the feeling of hope spreading through my chest. I squeeze her hand gently, encouraging her to say more.
"I... I'm attracted to you, too." She looks down. "I didn't like you checking her out."
She looks miserable saying it, but I want to wrap her in my arms and spin her. I haven't earned that right, but we have a tentative understanding now.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay," I repeat.
I stand and step towards her, forcing her to look up at me. I smile down at her, feeling more settled than I have in a long time.
"Thank you," I say, dropping a kiss to her cheek.
She sucks in a breath, surprised at the contact.
A chaste kiss to the cheek has Serenity affected. I watch in rapt fascination as goosebumps crawl up her chest and the side of her neck.
God, this woman is addicting. My regulars in the club have become so desensitized to anything sexual that we have to get inventive together. Pain, role playing, elaborate tie downs, toys.
I could have so much fun with her, exploring every inch of her body, exploring every reaction to every touch. God, what a privilege that would be.
I step back, clearing my throat.
"I'll let you get back to work."
"Thank you, sir," she says sweetly, and I bite back a groan.