25. Declan
Chapter twenty-five
Declan
" Y ou did what?!"
I look around quickly to make sure we're alone. The Envelope doesn't open for another thirty minutes, but Cas and Serenity and a few other servers are already here prepping for open.
"Keep your voice down," I growl.
"Answer the question," Harrison replies for Daniel.
I feel like a kid being scolded by the principal. My neck heats but I roll my shoulders back. I'm a grown ass man capable of making grown ass man decisions.
"I dommed her through her panic attack."
Daniel looks incredulous. "You dominated her, without a contract, without prior discussions of consent or boundaries," he restates as if I wasn't aware of how many red flags were in that sentence alone.
I don't take our contracts and consent lightly. If boundaries and communication aren't clear between participants of a scene, it can lead to some serious trauma.
Say I have a partner tied up in submission and spank her. If spanking is off the table for her, it's not some sexy punishment, it's abuse.
Dominating someone, especially a woman, is a transfer of power. And last night I took it without asking. A part of me wants to be ashamed of how I acted. It was reckless and could have seriously hurt all of the trust growing between Serenity and myself. But when I think back on the moment, and the fear in her eyes, I don't feel bad about it. Instinctively, I knew it was exactly what she needed. And the soft, calm look in her eyes that replaced the fear was worth it.
The serene smile on her face when I found her asleep in my bed afterwards... it was like she'd spent years waiting for someone to dominate her, to finally submit. To finally be able to shed the load of all that she carries.
I know we need to talk about it, but when she woke in my arms this morning, I didn't want to ruin the sheepish, shy smile on her face, or the way she looked at me.
Sitting her down and talking contracts, legalese, and aftercare instructions doesn't feel right to me. It feels like I'm putting her into a bucket with all my other hook ups. And she still seems too pure for this lifestyle. Not that there's anything wrong with the BDSM lifestyle. It's not dirty or shameful, it's liberating and wonderful.
So, my conflicting feelings have left me immobile. If we talk contracts and stoplights like I know we should, she'll stop being my Serenity and become just another sub. If we don't, I can't dominate her again.
So, I don't do either.
For a week we acted as if nothing happened between us. Except, I catch her watching me with hopeful eyes, and she keeps catching me watching her with soft ones.
Until Friday night. We're home from work, showered and in bed, but the tension in the room is wrong. When I look at Serenity, she's fidgeting again. She wants to say something or ask something, and I tense, already afraid I know what it'll be. The last time I asked her what she was thinking about, we crossed a line I know we shouldn't have crossed. Opening the door to sexual stuff with her was a terrible idea. She's quickly become an obsession. So, I refuse to ask her now. If we do more...if I taste her, or we have sex, I'm afraid of what kind of irreparable damage that will do to me. And I'm afraid of how far I'll push her.
Finally, she finds her bravery.
"Can I touch you again?"
I should say no. I should stick her firmly in the ward bucket and stop this thing between us. But I'm helpless to deny her anything.
So, knowing I'm probably going to regret it, I say yes.
I strip under her watchful gaze. I run and workout, so I know I'm in shape, but I can't help the boost to my ego when her eyes drag over my abs, my thighs and my groin.
"Have you ever had an orgasm?"
She bites her lip and shakes her head 'no'.
Christ.
The floodgates open and I want to keep her in my bed coming as many times as she can. I want her begging me to stop. I want to ruin her for all other men. I want her addicted to my mouth, my hands, and my cock.
Instead, I lay on my back and let her with feast her eyes.
Soft fingertips dip into the valleys between my abs and circle my pecs.
"You're so beautiful," she whispers.
"Can I try to turn you on?" I clear my throat as my voice is practically begging.
"What do I have to do?"
"Nothing... just..."
I scoot up in the bed and lean against the headboard. Face-to-face would be too much for her, it would give her mind too many things to focus on instead of the feel of her body. She'd feel like she'd have to perform, to put on a mask for me.
I pat the bed between my legs. "Come sit, facing away from me."
She does as directed, hesitating only a moment before leaning her weight back on me. My hard cock is obviously pressed against her lower back, but she does her best to ignore it.
"May I touch you?"
She nods.
"Words, Serenity. I need consent." Well apparently, I've grown a conscience now.
"Yes. Yes, you can touch me."
Her soft words, spoken into the night, her sweet consent, has me rolling my hips seeking friction.
I rest my hands on her bent knees and pause, letting her get used to my touch. Goosebumps erupt under my hands and crawl up her legs.
"Are you cold?" I whisper into the shell of her ear.
She shakes her head, 'no'. The scent of her freesia shampoo tickles my nose. She's been using this one for the past week and it suits her perfectly. Delicate, feminine, but when the scent warms with her skin it becomes angelic.
I'm tempted to scold her for her lack of words, but my tongue is too big for my mouth.
"Can I trust you to stop me if you get uncomfortable?" I ask, pressing a small kiss to her neck, just under her ear.
She nods, but when I don't move again, she follows it up with a breathy "Yes".
I slowly trail my hands up her thighs, skimming my fingers just over the edges of her panties. She sucks in a gasp and squeezes her legs shut.
"You know about the stoplight system?"
I know she's been doing her research on BDSM and kink clubs, so I'm not surprised when she nods her head.
"Color?"
She takes a deep breath before letting her legs fall open again. "Green, sir."
Fuck. It's the 'sir' that makes me harder than granite.
I pump my hips against her ass again and it elicits a breathy moan.
But this isn't about me. This is about her. So, I continue to trail my hands up the sides of her belly to her ribs. She doesn't wear a bra to bed, so I have easy access to her breasts.
"Color?"
"Green, sir."
I trace my fingers just under her breasts, where her bra would rest. Once, twice, three times until she's squirming underneath me.
"What do you need, Serenity?"
"More, sir. Please," Fuck, this woman is my kryptonite.
"Do you want to come, Ser? Do you want to come for the first time in your life on my hand?" My voice is a low growl of barely restrained need.
Her answer is immediate. "Yes. Yes, please, sir. Please."
She squirms against me and my hands tighten around her ribs.
I need to go slow for her. I need to make this good for her, but my chest is tight with need.
One hand slides up to cup her breast while the other trails down below her navel and slides underneath my boxers that she's wearing.
She gasps as she arches her back, her head pressed back on my shoulder when my fingers make contact with her swollen clit.
Her gasp is followed by a low moan when I drag my fingertips through the moisture I find there. Her legs tremble and I'm intoxicated by how fucking sexual this girl is - how sensitive, how responsive, how untouched.
I drag her wetness around her clit and circle it with more control than I feel. She's panting now against me, the hair at the base of her neck dampening with sweat. Instinctually, she rolls her hips, seeking friction. I squeeze her breast in my other hand before finding her nipple and rolling it between my fingers. Her nails dig into my thighs, and I rub myself against her.
She's completely lost in the feelings I'm giving her, and I'm lost in her.
"I...I..." she pants.
"You're going to come," I tell her.
And then she shatters with a shouted, "Fuck! Yes!"
Her entire body locks up, head thrown back in ecstasy, thighs trapping my hand between their muscles as she comes and comes and comes. God, she's a fucking vision.
I stroke her through her orgasm, just grazing my fingers over her entrance while I watch her chest work to catch her breath.
I kiss under her ear again. I know I'm crossing a line again. I know I'm supposed to be putting distance between us, clarifying for her this is simply a physical agreement. But there's a part of me that can't fucking help it. "How do you feel?"
She hums thoughtfully and snuggles back against me. I wrap my arms around her. We never talked aftercare, but I know a girl like her will need a lot of attention after something so vulnerable. I don't want to just check the boxes with her. Water, food, a verbal check-in and then be done.
That's not how I want to do things with her. Instead, I run my hands up and down her arms and kiss her hair.
"I get it now."
"Get what?"
"Why the world seems to revolve around sex. That was..."
She sighs contentedly. "...Amazing."
She turns to look at me but can't quite meet my eyes, so she ends up staring at my chest. "Thank you...I…"
I kiss her forehead, understanding her body might be sated, but her mind is probably reeling. A part of me is worried that crossing this line with her will confuse things for her. I don't do feelings. I want to provide for her, protect her, and maybe fuck her. But I can't... won't fall in love with her, and I'd really hate to be the asshole that she falls in love with, only for me to break her heart.
I'm painfully aware of how much of a hypocrite that makes me when I kiss her on her forehead, get her a glass of water and tuck her into my bed, still naked and pull her body against mine in a silent command to sleep.