6. Shante
SHANTE
By the time Malik got home, my nerves were already bad.
I had been lying across the couch for almost an hour pretending to watch TV while my mind ran in circles.
Between the procedure and lying to Alisha and snapping at her on the phone earlier and this weird emotional shit my body had been on lately, I was stressed the hell out.
The front door finally opened, and Malik walked inside carrying a CVS bag. Immediately I sat up.
“Where you go?” I asked.
He kicked his shoes off near the door before looking at me. “CVS.”
I frowned. “Wait did you get my corned beef sandwich from Bread Basket?” The disappointment hit me before he even answered.
“Nah,” he replied while dropping the bag onto the counter. “I ain’t see your text until after.”
“Oh my God,” I groaned dramatically while throwing my head back against the couch. “You know I wanted that sandwich.”
Malik laughed softly while walking toward me. “My bad.”
“No, forget you,” I replied. “That was all I been thinking about.”
That part wasn’t even a lie; my appetite had been weird as hell lately. Malik leaned down kissing my forehead before sitting beside me.
“You know who I ran into though?”
“Who?”
“Alisha.”
The second he said her name, my stomach tightened from guilt. I tried not to react though and keep my face normal.
“Oh yeah?”
He smirked suddenly. “She thought I was buying a pregnancy test for my side bitch.”
At first, I almost snapped. Because what side bitch?
Who the fuck he talking about? But then my brain actually processed what he said, a pregnancy test. Slowly, my eyes drifted toward the CVS bag sitting on the counter.
Malik noticed the shift in my face immediately and his expression softened a little.
“You aight?”
I swallowed hard before forcing myself to speak. “I’m not pregnant,” I said quickly. “I just came on my cycle.”
Lie, Lie, Lie. The words tasted nasty coming out of my mouth. The truth was I didn’t know what was happening with my body yet and that uncertainty scared the shit out of me.
Malik leaned back against the couch studying me. “That don’t mean shit.”
My heart dropped. He grabbed the CVS bag and held it toward me. “Take the test.”
Immediately I panicked. “I said I’m not pregnant, damn.”
“And I said take the test, damn.”
I stared at the bag without touching it. Up until now, this situation existed inside doctor offices and private conversations with Deuce. Seeing Malik standing there excited about a pregnancy that wasn’t his made me feel like shit on the inside.
“What you scared for?” he asked with a smirk on his face.
If only he knew, I looked away quickly because I couldn’t even hold eye contact with him right then.
My emotions felt everywhere all at once guilt, fear and pressure.
They were all tangled together so badly I could barely separate one feeling from another.
If this test came back positive that meant I was about to spend the next nine months lying to a man who genuinely loved me.
A man that was already looking at me like he knew this baby was his, that made me feel sick.
“Shante.”
I blinked quickly and looked back at him. Malik still held the bag out waiting. Seeing that happiness on his face made guilt stab me even harder. He had no idea what kind of situation he was really standing in.
“You acting nervous,” he said with a small laugh.
I forced one too even though my chest felt tight. “Because I don’t feel like peeing on a stick.”
“That’s all it is?” He asked.
No, it was so much bigger than that. I kept thinking about Alisha too. Here I was about to potentially confirm a pregnancy tied to her husband behind her back. Every direction I turned, guilt waited for me.
“Come on,” Malik encouraged softly. “Just take it so we know.”
We, that word fucked me up, because he already included himself naturally. Like this baby belonged to us. Like we created it together.
And God, I hated myself at that moment. I snatched the bag from his hand quicker than I meant to. “Damn,” I mumbled before standing up.
Then I hurried toward the bathroom before he could read my face any longer. The second I got inside; I slammed the door hard behind me and locked it. I leaned against the sink breathing hard.
The bright bathroom lights suddenly felt overwhelming.
Too damn bright and too exposing. Slowly, I looked down into the bag and two pregnancy tests sat inside.
Just seeing them made tears sting my eyes unexpectedly because this wasn’t supposed to be my life.
I rested both hands against the sink and stared at myself in the mirror.
My face looked stressed, tired and guilty.
I barely recognized the woman staring back at me anymore.
“How the fuck did I get here?” I whispered to myself.
Because of loyalty to my brother I ended up trapped inside a lie big enough to destroy every relationship around me.
My hands shook slightly while opening the pregnancy test box.
The whole time my mind kept racing toward worst-case scenarios.
What if Malik found out? Would he leave me?
Crash out or try to kill Deuce? Malik loved hard, but he also had a temper, especially over betrayal.
Finding out your girl carrying another man’s baby would make any nigga flip out!
He still wouldn’t understand even if I told him the reason why I agreed to be Deuce’s surrogate.
Then there was Alisha and I couldn’t even fully think about her without feeling sick.
Because once she found out she would never forgive me.
I wouldn’t blame her. I’m a surrogate for my brother and his fucking side chick.
I sat down slowly on the closed toilet lid while gripping the pregnancy test tightly in my hand.
Once this lie started it wasn’t stopping.
Not for nine months and not until that baby got here.
Even then I already knew the damage this secret would cause.
My hands shook while I opened the pregnancy test box.
I sat on the closed toilet lid staring down at the instructions like I ain’t never took a pregnancy test. Like reading slower would somehow delay whatever answer was about to change my life.
The bathroom felt too quiet. All I could hear was my own breathing and Malik moving around faintly in the living room outside the door.
Completely clueless, that man was probably out there excited right now.
Thinking maybe this was finally our moment.
Meanwhile I was in here praying for a negative test while secretly carrying another man’s situation on my back.
I closed my eyes briefly before finally standing up.
“Get it together,” I whispered to myself.
I was barely holding myself together at all.
After I took the test, I set it carefully on the bathroom counter and immediately turned away from it.
I guess I thought staring at it too hard would somehow make the results appear faster.
My nerves were completely shot. I paced the tiny bathroom floor slowly while hugging my arms around myself and then I checked my phone.
Thirty seconds, only thirty. “Damn,” I whispered.
That had to be the longest ninety seconds of my life.
My mind kept running everywhere while I waited.
I thought about for the next nine months I had to look in this man's face and pretend that this baby is his.
I thought about baby showers, gender reveals and doctor appointments.
How every damn body would be celebrating a lie.
I looked toward the test but quickly looked away again, I was scared.
Another glance at my phone and it only had been eighty-three seconds.
I exhaled shakily before forcing myself to walk back toward the counter.
I walked slower because I was scared of the results.
Then finally I looked down and it read not pregnant.
I let out the breath I didn’t even realize I was holding.
Relief hit me so fast my knees almost gave out.
I leaned both hands against the sink and closed my eyes tightly.
“Thank God,” I whispered.
For the first time in weeks, I felt like I could breathe at least for tonight.
Even though the relief washed over me, guilt still sat heavy.
Eventually that test was going to read positive.
I grabbed the test off the counter and stared at it one more second before unlocking the bathroom door.
The moment I stepped back into the living room, Malik looked up from the couch immediately. His whole face softened seeing me.
“Well?” he asked.
I held the test out silently. He grabbed it carefully and looked down, not pregnant. For a split second, disappointment flashed across his face, then just as fast it disappeared.
“Aight,” he said softly before setting the test down.
I stood there awkwardly not really knowing what to say. Because the whole situation felt strange now. It felt like I had just escaped something temporarily. Malik stood up from the couch and walked toward me slowly.
“You okay?” he asked first.
“Yeah,” I lied quietly.
He pulled me against his chest and that almost made me cry because he loved me for real.
“We gone keep trying,” he mumbled against the top of my head.
My eyes closed immediately because hearing that while knowing the truth just made shit even worse. “You’d really be happy if I got pregnant?” I asked softly before I could stop myself.
Malik pulled back just enough to look at me. “Hell yeah.”
A small smile spread across his face. “You know how long I been wanting a baby with you?”
I forced a little smile back even though guilt was eating me alive inside.
“You know this got me looking soft as hell, right?” he laughed while rubbing my waist. “I’m out here buying pregnancy tests and shit.”