20. Shante
SHANTE
Four months later and pregnancy was kicking my ass bad. My feet stayed swollen. My back hurt constantly. I couldn’t sleep through the night without waking up uncomfortable or having to pee every damn hour. And emotionally I felt drained all the time.
Every day the guilt got heavier too, cause Malik was fully invested in this pregnancy while I walked around carrying the biggest secret of my life inside me. The deeper I got into it, the harder it became pretending everything was okay.
That morning I stood in front of the bathroom mirror rubbing cocoa butter across my stomach slowly. I looked huge already way bigger than I thought I should’ve looked this early. My face was fuller; hips wider breast heavy as hell. Nothing about my body felt familiar anymore.
The baby kicked suddenly, making me jump. That happened all day now, especially at night. Sometimes the movement felt so strong it irritated me. I threw one of Malik oversized hoodies on before making my way downstairs carefully. Walking normally wasn’t even an option at this point.
The smell of pancakes and bacon hit me. Malik stood at the stove shirtless with gray sweats hanging low while Anita Baker played through the house. That man looked too damn good for me to be lying to him every single day.
“Hey baby,” he grinned when he saw me.
Then his eyes dropped to my stomach automatically.
“There go my little baby too.”
“You cooking again?” I asked while sitting at the island.
“Feeding you is part of my daily responsibilities now.”
Despite my mood, I smiled a little because Malik genuinely took care of me. He fixed my plate exactly how I liked it too. Extra syrup with crispy bacon and fruit on the side. And lately he even cut my pancakes up because I complained too much whenever I bent forward.
“You got another doctor appointment today, right?” he asked casually.
My fork paused halfway to my mouth. Damn I forgot I mentioned it earlier that week.
“Mhm Hmmm.” I answered.
“What time?”
“Eleven.”
Malik frowned. “And you just now saying something?”
“It’s just routine.”
“That ain’t the point.”
I sighed heavily. “Malik…”
“No,” he interrupted calmly. “You keep acting strange when it come to these appointments.”
“I’m not acting strange.”
“Yes, you are. You barely tell me anything anymore,” he continued. “I gotta find out shit last minute.”
“I forget.”
“No,” he corrected quickly. “You leave me out.”
I looked away pretending to focus on my food. How could I explain why this pregnancy felt emotionally complicated every second of the day?
“You stay in your head. You barely answer Alisha calls. And every time I try getting excited with you…” He paused before finishing. “You shut down.”
Every word made me feel guilty.
“I’m hormonal,” I said weakly.
“That excuse getting old.”
Tears burned my eyes lately everything made me emotional.
“Aye,” he sighed softer now. “I’m not trying to argue.”
“But you are.”
“No,” he replied calmly. “I’m trying to understand why my girl acting like she carrying this pregnancy by herself.”
That sentence almost took the breath outta me. I pushed my plate away because now I felt sick. “I’m tired.”
“We both tired.”
I looked up. “You not pregnant.”
The second the words left my mouth, I regretted them. Because Malik's whole face changed. “Aight.”
“Malik…”
“Nah.” He backed away from the counter shaking his head slowly. “You got it.”
The disappointment in his face hurt worse than yelling would’ve.
“You know what it feel like?” he asked suddenly.
I stayed quiet.
“Like you don’t trust me.”
The truth was so much uglier than that. “I do trust you.”
“Then why you keep disappearing on me and being secretive and shit?”
“Fine Malik let me go grab my things so we can go.” I said defeated.
I ain’t have no answer for that. Not one I could actually say out loud anyway.
The ride to the doctor was awkward, no music playing, barely talking.
Just tension sitting between us and I hated it.
Before this pregnancy me and Malik barely argued.
Now every conversation felt like an argument.
By the time we made it to the clinic, my nerves were already bad.
Pregnant women filled the waiting room rubbing stomachs while happy couples laughed quietly around us.
Meanwhile I felt like the biggest fraud in Detroit.
Malik rested his hand protectively on my thigh while scrolling through sports highlights on his phone.
Even after arguing earlier, he still stayed gentle with me.
“Shante Carter?”
I stood up slowly when the nurse called my name. Malik immediately stood too smiling slightly. Seeing him excited about this appointment made my chest ache. First, they took my weight then my blood pressure. Regular pregnancy stuff except nothing about my life felt regular anymore.
“You measuring ahead,” the nurse smiled while jotting notes down.
I frowned. “What that mean?”
“Could just be how you carrying.” The nurse responded.
Easy for her to say. Once we got inside the ultrasound room, Malik's whole mood changed. He looked excited and nervous. Watching him get more emotionally attached to this pregnancy every month felt like torture.
“You ready to find out what we having?” he grinned.
Hell no I wasn’t. The ultrasound tech dimmed the lights before squirting warm gel across my stomach. Then she pressed the wand against my skin. Movement instantly appeared across the monitor.
“There’s your baby.”
Malik squeezed my hand hard.
“That’s my little one right there.”
The tech kept moving the wand around carefully before suddenly pausing then she adjusted the screen. Her eyebrows scrunched slightly. Immediately my heart dropped. “What’s wrong?”
Instead of answering, she moved the wand again. Then suddenly she smiled huge. “Oh wow.”
Malik sat forward immediately. “What?”
The woman looked between us excitedly. “Well, this explains why you are measuring ahead. You’re having twins.”
Then Malik jumped up loud as hell. “TWINS?!”
I stared at the monitor frozen. Because ain’t no fucking way.
The tech pointed toward the screen. “One right here.” Then moved slightly. “And another one right here.”
My mouth literally fell open.
“And congratulations…” She grinned wider. “One boy and one girl.”
At that point Malik completely lost it emotionally. “OH MY GOD!”
Meanwhile I felt like the room started spinning. Twins? How the fuck was I supposed to survive this now? Malik laughed while rubbing his face repeatedly.
“My son and daughter.”
Every word stabbed deeper into my chest because those children weren't his and he loved them already.
The ultrasound tech printed pictures while Malik kept smiling like the happiest man alive.
Meanwhile I sat there trying not to completely lose my mind.
One baby already complicated enough but twins?
This situation had officially become a disaster.
The ultrasound tech kept smiling while printing out pictures like she just gave us the best news in the world.
Meanwhile I sat there frozen. I felt like somebody punched me directly in the face.
Malik was damn near pacing the room. “Two babies,” he laughed rubbing his head. “Oh my God.”
The happiness all over his face made me feel sick. Not because he didn’t deserve happiness, because he did, and that was the problem.
“You okay mama?” the ultrasound tech asked noticing how quiet I got.
I forced a smile so fake my cheeks hurt. “Yeah.”
Malik leaned down and kissed my forehead while staring at the monitor like it held the meaning of life.
“A son and a daughter,” he whispered proudly.
The way his eyes softened made tears burn mine. The rest of the appointment blurred together. The doctor came in talking about measurements and due dates while Malik asked a million questions. Meanwhile my thoughts were all over the place. Twins meant this situation just got ten times messier.
“You’ll probably need more rest,” the doctor explained while looking over my chart. Malik nodded seriously like she gave him military orders.
“She not gone be doing nothing.”
I rolled my eyes weakly. “Boy please.”
“No seriously,” he replied. “You carrying double now.”
By the time we finally left the clinic, Malik looked happier than I’d seen him in months. He couldn't stop smiling. Couldn’t stop looking at the ultrasound pictures either.
“I knew something was up,” he laughed while helping me into the truck carefully. “Ain’t no way you was that damn big already.”
I sucked my teeth. “Shut up.”
“Nah for real.” He grinned climbing into the driver’s seat.
“My son was in there taking up all the room.”
I turned toward the window quickly trying to hide my emotions. Cause hearing him claim them so naturally hurt in a way I couldn’t even explain. The second he pulled out of the parking lot; he grabbed his phone.
“Who you calling?” I asked already knowing.
“Everybody.”
“Malik don’t.” I begged.
He frowned looking over. “Why not?”
“Can we just… wait?”
That made his whole expression shift slightly. Not angry just confused. “You not happy?” he asked.
That question alone almost made me cry. “I am.”
I cared about those babies more than I wanted to admit. But the situation surrounding them was destroying me mentally.
“Then why you acting like somebody died?” he asked.
I looked down at my hands. Part of me did feel like something was dying. My peace maybe. Malik kept glancing over at me the entire ride home while one hand rested on my thigh. Meanwhile my stomach stayed in knots from stress.
“You sure you okay?” he asked again while stopping at a red light.
“Mhm.”
“You lying.”
I stared out the window watching people walk in and out the gas station across the street.
“I’m just tired.”
“You been saying that a lot lately.”
Cause I was tired of lying and hiding. Malik parked in front of the house before turning toward me fully.
“You know I love you right? And I love these babies already too,” he continued softly. “You ain’t gotta carry all this by yourself.”
“I know,” I whispered.