Chapter 10
Pan was still curled against him, eyes closed and breathing softly, having explained the bet and then how he’d created a new religion as if that was marvelous. Were humans that desperate to have something to believe in, or was it a longing for magic that had slowly leached away in this world?
He liked that Pan believed in him. Was he really acting as consort?
Since he understood nothing about the gods or Tariko, Pan could be telling him anything…and Noah either believed or he didn’t. For the moment, believing was easy.
He watched the moonlight play on the ceiling. While his body was tired, his mind was still tumbling through everything. Pan talked about history as if it had happened yesterday, not centuries ago.
They were living through an event which would one day mark a profound change in the world. Before collapse, and after collapse.
What did the after look like?
Was there even an after? Or was he going to be spending the rest of his life fixing damage from the collapse? Navigating the human and mythological worlds? Were other humans lying in bed realizing that this was now their world and possibly the rest of their life if it took years to fix everything?
Nothing was going back to how it had been…
Any future he may have imagined for himself no longer existed.
It didn’t matter if he went to uni and got a degree because what was he going to do with it? Who was going to be hiring? The only businesses that we’re going to thrive were the ones directly involved in the repairs. That meant builders and road workers and electricians—people with useful skills.
Was there any point in finishing his counseling certificate?
Did he really want to listen to people’s trauma from the collapse for the rest of his working life?
Then there was the whole selkie thing.
Which, if they had all died the same horrible death as the ones Pan had been with, meant he was the last. That meant something didn’t it?
And if it did, and he was no longer human, what was going to happen to him?
Was being Pan’s consort going to attract more attention that might get him in trouble?
“Your thinking is keeping me awake,” Pan grumbled, once again assuming he was the most important person in the room—and once, he had been.
It wasn’t only the loss of magic he was dealing with. They were both trying to muddle through. Being Pan’s consort was meant to be an honor, and Noah had thrown it back at him.
Noah curled onto his side to face him. “I didn’t mean to offend you. You’re used to behaving a particular way and having people jump to attend your every whim, and I’m used to being treated as an equal partner.” When it came to boyfriends, mostly.
“I’m a god. You’re supposed to be grateful for my attention.”
“Then you say shit like that, and I want to kick you out of bed.” He hoped saying that wouldn’t get him kicked out of bed, and if it did, this really wasn’t going to work. “It’s okay to say what you want, but you also need to give me time to process. It would be nice to be asked.”
Pan stretched and pulled Noah closer so they were nose to nose. “Are you referring to me claiming you as my consort?”
“Yes. What else would I be referring to?”
“Any number of things.” He took a breath, then sighed. “Once, I could’ve put you to sleep with a thought.”
“Err…then I’m grateful that you don’t have that power. You really shouldn’t be putting people asleep without their consent.”
“You woke me up without my consent.”
Noah gritted his teeth. Sometimes, it was easier to talk to a dragon than Pan. At least the dragons now understood ‘sit’ and ‘stay,’ especially if he waved a lamb chop at them. “I wasn’t aware my thoughts were so loud.”
“Your thoughts weren’t loud, but you kept wriggling and tossing and turning.”
‘Sorry’ formed on his tongue, but he held it back. Pan was a god, but when they were in bed or alone together, Noah didn’t want to have to act like someone seeking his blessing.
“We aren’t even dating; we have an agreement about magic. Which, so far, seems to involve you getting sex to access it, I’m not sure what I’m getting out of it.”
Pan’s fingers walked over Noah’s hip, and his breath was warm on his lips. “Was it easier for you to access this time? Did you find the space between the turning of the tides?”
Noah frowned. He hadn’t been paying attention. “You were rather distracting.”
“Mmm, that is something you need to work on then. And that is two lessons I have given you tonight.”
“Two?”
“The tides and concentration.”
“Oh…”
“Were you expecting me to sit you down in a school room and give you a textbook? Books on magic do exist, but they tend to be tedious tomes on theory and musings about why magic presents so differently among the different kinds of beings.”
“You said selkies can control storms?”
“Yes, but not in the way mermen do.”
Noah closed his eyes. “I’m sure that would be helpful if I knew anything about mermen.”
“Merfolk are very rarely helpful. While centaurs are the assholes of the land, merfolk are the dicks of the sea,” he said with conviction as if it were a well-known fact.
Having met the centaurs, if merfolk were anything like them, Noah was tempted to agree. However, once again, Pan had taken the conversation, spun it around, and sent it off in an entirely different direction.
“My point was,” Noah said trying to drag Pan back to the topic, “I am enjoying working with you. However, I’m not in a place to agree to anything long-term. We aren’t dating, there is a massive age gap, I have a magic coat, and I have no idea what I’m going to be doing in six months’ time.”
“Having lived through earthquakes and wars, I suspect that in six months’ time, we will still be dealing with this mess.”
“Aren’t you a ray of sunshine?”
“The dragons do call gods ‘sun eyes’,” Pan said a little too smugly.
“That was not a compliment; it was sarcasm. I would very much like a glimmer of hope.”
Pan kissed him slow enough that Noah almost forgot what they were talking about. “You are my glimmer of hope. Magic isn’t lost; I am cut off. And I pray to the gods that created me and everything else that it is temporary.”
“That sounds like a dangerous prayer.”
“Perhaps it is what is needed.”
“And who are the old gods?” Were they also in human myth?
“I don’t know their names, but I have sensed them in the magic.”
“Did they make magic?”
“We believe so. And from magic came everything else. Perhaps they are gone…or perhaps they are in the magic and every mote, and we are all being punished.”
“Okay…I’m not sure I can deal with much more of your peptalk. That was also sarcasm because there is nothing uplifting about this conversation.”
“There is plenty. My world has been destroyed, but I’m reasonably sure things can’t get worse, which means they can only improve. Since I have arrived, I have trusted magic to lead me where I need to be. It brought me to the dragon, and the dragon brought me to you, and you brought me to Feryn.”
“That all sounds like coincidence.”
“Didn’t you once say that you had manifested things yourself?”
“Yeah?” Noah said cautiously, not sure where Pan was going.
“And you said that it was nothing more than luck and timing and being in the right place? Is that not magic guiding your feet and heart?”
“I guess. But then that means I was meant to get the coat.”
“It means I was wrong—which pains me to say. You were never a witch; you were always a selkie seeking that which should be yours.”
Which explained why Noah was always looking for the next thing for his collection. “I never would’ve found it without the collapse.”
“That’s not true, as I am sure there are some old coats somewhere. And maybe you would have stumbled on one.”
“That would’ve been terrifying.” He wouldn’t have known what was going on or how to take it off. Maybe he would’ve figured it out eventually, but his clothes might have become glued to his body.
“So now you know what you were searching for, why you were drawn to magical objects, and why you knew there was more out there,” Pan said as though that solved all dilemmas instead of opening the door to a dozen more.
Even though his body was tired, Noah still wasn’t sure if he could sleep. If he was at home he’d get up and watch TV. As it was, he didn’t even have his phone as he had to leave it in the bar to charge as there was no power in the palace.
“Now we have solved the problem of your magic lessons and what you will be doing in six months’ time as my consort…can we sleep?”
Noah stared at the curly horned man next to him. “How can you not care?”
“I do. But what good will my fury or anguish do? I am doing what I can in daylight hours. And this body, without magic, needs to sleep and eat. I feel quite…mortal. Do you want me to explain how terrifying that is? That I might die by falling down a gap in the road or some other careless mistake?”
“I haven’t thought of that.”
“There are a thousand things you have not thought of because you do not know of them. Have you wondered if there are now Tarikian cities at the bottom of the ocean? Or perched on the top of mountains, in places so cold that no one survived? While you have seen the people, or at least some of them, have you paused to think about the plants and animals and insects?”
“No.” Though he had mentioned the potential for strange wild animals.
“I hold the knowledge of Tariko in my head, but it is incomplete and out of date in parts. For the first time that I can remember, I do not hear the pleas of my people. There is only silence. So I have a wound no one can see where magic was cut from me, but there is a stillness and a silence I am terrified of being filled.”
Pan acted as though he knew what was going on even if he was making it up as he went. He hid the pain because he didn’t want anyone else to worry.
“Why do you fear the silence being filled?”
“Because too many people will be screaming and begging and crying for help. And I can’t do anything.
The only people I can help are the ones who are close enough to speak to me.
That is both a blessing and a curse.” He kissed Noah again.
“Now that I have bared my fears, can we sleep? Otherwise, I will be cranky tomorrow, and while I cannot send minor annoyances to bother people, I do have drak, and they enjoy mischief.”
“You realize I’m going to be eternally suspicious of every hole in my socks?”
Pan laughed. “I would make it so your socks never got holes, and you found money wherever you went.”
Noah smiled and turned over to be the little spoon. Pan pressed a kiss ot the back of his neck. He drew in a breath and closed his eyes, basking in Pan’s warmth and the feeling of security his embrace gave.
“It is a good sign you are unsettled; it means something is about to change.”
Noah’s eyes popped open. “What do you mean?”
“Exactly that. It means you’re sensing something in the magic.”