Chapter 11 #2
Would it serve any purpose to let him freeze to death? No. She wouldn’t even derive any satisfaction from it. Besides, she wanted answers because she was starting to suspect she might have jumped to conclusions and this was not as bad she had first thought.
“Let’s go back in,” she said, nodding toward the hut.
Relief seemed to sweep over Sven, as much because she’d accepted to listen to him as at the prospect of going back to the warm interior. “Thank you.”
Eahlswith led the way, not sure she wanted to look at him just yet.
Once he’d closed the door behind them, Sven put on his shirt, braies and boots faster than anyone she had ever seen. Then he threw two medium-sized logs into the fire and crouched down to warm his hands over the flames.
Refusing to feel guilty for causing him discomfort, Eahlswith waited. Eventually, he spoke.
“The woman you saw is Freydis, as I told you. She was born in the village, like me. We dallied a few months ago.”
A few. What did he mean by that? Eahlswith’s heart skipped a beat. Four or five?
“Please tell me you weren’t seeing her in the summer when I… When we—”
“No. I say a few months, but it’s been more like two years. Long before I met you, she left for Denmark, putting an end to what had been between us.”
Two years. Yes. She could live with that, even if she suspected he’d had other lovers since.
“I’m not sure she would agree that what was between you is over. She’s obviously back for more.”
Only women who wanted to sleep with men thought of slipping into their beds at night. Eahlswith should know, as that was exactly what she had planned to do herself. Shame flooded her. What had she been thinking? This was not like her. She was not a wanton!
“Yes, it would indeed seem that she is back for more.” Sven ran a hand through his hair, looking as sheepish as a man of his stature could do.
This alone would have convinced her he was telling the truth.
A guilty man would brazen this out, tell her she was imagining things.
But he was admitting that she was not. “But she won’t be getting it. ”
“Why not?” Eahlswith asked with sudden, uncharacteristic ferocity.
Why should he not give in to temptation, considering she was fighting the attraction between them and not giving him what he wanted?
No one would blame him, not even herself, for bedding a willing woman when they had not promised anything one to the other.
But the idea of Sven in bed with a beautiful, lithe Norsewoman who was her opposite in every way had torn at her heart.
Stupidly, she’d thought she would have time to deal with her confused feelings and come up with a decision before he moved on to his next conquest. Now she was being shown that she didn’t have that luxury.
If she didn’t want him, there were plenty of women who did.
It was only a matter of time before she lost what little advantage she’d had.
“If you once wanted her and she still wants you,” she forced herself to say, “then what is stopping you now from—”
He straightened back up and silenced her with a murderous glare.
“Don’t even say it. Don’t say that I don’t owe you anything, because all we’re doing is fucking.
” He sounded dangerous, on the edge of an outburst that would reduce her to cinders.
“Oh, Alva, how can you even ask me this? How do you not see what we have, what we could have? Is a hard fuck all you want from me, just like all the others?”
She wavered at the harsh words but managed to murmur. “I… I told you not to call me Alva.”
“And I asked you a question. Answer me.”
She saw the vulnerability in his eyes, the hurt she had caused him, and she hated it. He really thought she was only after his body and the pleasure it could give her, that she cared nothing for his feelings. That was not true. She cared, too much. That was the problem.
“No. That’s not all I want from you.”
Despite the assurance, he shook his head, like a man defeated.
“But it is. Don’t you see? You certainly don’t want to get involved with me.
After our discussion yesterday I even understand why.
But you having good reasons to be wary of intimacy doesn’t change facts.
I thought you didn’t want anything more from me because of who I was and it stung.
Now I know you cannot accept what I want to give you because of what you feel toward another.
It is not quite the same, I’ll admit, and yet it makes no difference to me, because I actually want to try and build something with you. ”
What could she say to that? He was absolutely right.
She was not yet ready to accept that she could have with someone else what she’d once thought to have with the first man she had ever loved—and who’d died through her fault.
She didn’t feel she deserved a second chance at a good life.
Her reasons for keeping Sven at bay mattered not, for him the result was the same.
Her doubts meant that they could not build anything together.
“Give me time, please,” she whispered, unable to meet his gaze.
Time.
Sven almost scoffed at the request. They had already lost half a year, what more did Eahlswith want?
He didn’t need another season, much less another week to know this was the woman he wanted to be with.
Hell, he didn’t need another day, and yet he would have to agree.
There was no other choice because refusing would only push her further away.
If there was a chance she would ever accept that she could be with another man, even a slim one, he had to wait for it.
“Yes,” he said through gritted teeth. “I will give you time.”
Feeling more dejected than ever, he helped himself to a cup of ale. The cold of the snow had finally left his limbs but there was a strange emptiness in his chest preventing him from being comfortable, and no wonder. He was being denied what he most dearly wanted.
Again.
“What were you doing outside my hut at this hour, anyway?” he asked as he emptied the last drop of ale. It had been very early for a visit, which roused his suspicions. Except to come get her boots, she had not visited him once since she’d arrived.
Eahlswith flushed a violent red and avoided his gaze.
Heat flared inside him, chasing away the last vestiges of ice in his veins because suddenly he knew.
She had come to bed him. He had been right that morning, after all.
Something had changed within her. She might not be ready to welcome him in her life, but she had at least come to acknowledge the desire burning between them. It was a start, better than nothing.
His fingers tightened around the cup. Had Freydis not chosen this night to try to renew their relationship, he would be buried deep inside Eahlswith’s heat right now, giving her the only thing she was ready to accept from him at the moment—pleasure.
How unlucky could one get?
Because now the moment had passed, might never present itself again.
The one time she had found the courage to act on her desire, she had seen him naked, in bed with another woman.
It seemed that she had accepted his explanation that nothing had happened, but it mattered not.
He could tell she would not risk doing such a brazen thing again, which he understood.
Damn it all.
“I think you know why I came,” Eahlswith said in a breath. “But I see now that I shouldn’t have.”
“Fuck, Alva, how can you even say that?”
The moment he used the name he had invented for her he knew it had been a mistake. He was doing the one thing she had asked him not to do. But he couldn’t seem to help it. She was Eahlswith to everyone else, and Alva, to him only. He liked it, liked that he had something of her no one else had.
She stood up. “I will leave you now.”
He didn’t answer. What was there to say?
Yes, she was leaving. As usual.