Chapter 5 #2
“No. Of course not.” Trying to sound convincing because I still don’t know how I feel about it, exactly.
Even though I am cognizant that what happened is not his fault, even though I know it’s pointless to dwell on all the possibilities and what could’ve been different if he’d just stayed at the bar with me, there is still that tiny, nagging thought that if he had stayed I would’ve been okay and I wouldn’t have had to be saved by Luca.
I could’ve been sitting here relatively happy and whole and totally ignorant of the fact he was stalking me.
“I mean, that’s why we went after all,” I add.
“So you could find a new distraction. Or two.”
“But you know, I could’ve sworn I saw you guys kinda getting all touchy-feely before,” Jamil intimates slyly. “His hands were all over you.”
“We weren’t,” I return sharply. “Not at all.”
“Okay, okay.” He holds up his hands. “Sorry. I guess I was really drunk.”
“You were,” I say. “Really drunk.”
“Yeah. For sure.”
“Are you sure you’re okay, Noel?” Danika asks critically. “You seem…”
I don’t need her being all observant right now. “I’m fine. Just didn’t sleep well last night.” I pause, then say, “Actually, I’ve been thinking. Since Friday—you know, that’s the first time I’ve really been out since…” Luca.
“The Incident,” Danika declares solemnly. “Yeah. That’s pretty big for you. How are you feeling about it?”
If only they knew just how terribly I was feeling about it. I could imagine the aneurysm Danika would have if I told her. “I don’t know,” I say with a nonchalance I absolutely don’t feel. “I think I might be ready to get back out there.”
Because I’m just doing myself a massive disservice, obviously, hanging around and mooning for him. Maybe he hasn’t fucked anyone since leaving me but he’s gone out and had a life with his friends, watched bondage demos, while I’ve done fuck all except be sad and missed him.
And yeah, maybe I don’t really have all that much desire to even be with anyone, but it’s the principle of the thing.
Because I don’t need him. I can find some measure of validation in other people.
That’s the real way to move on, anyway, to find someone else.
If I had another guy to keep me busy I wouldn’t be thinking of Luca anymore.
Danika shifts on the couch. “Really?” she says. “I mean, that’s great. If you don’t think it’s too soon.”
“It’s been months. How long am I supposed to wait around?”
“Until you feel ready.” When I start to roll my eyes she says, “Noel, you went from a bad breakup to an even worse breakup. To the point there were times I wasn’t sure you were gonna survive those first couple weeks.
So many times I was like, this close to calling in a welfare check on you.
” She indicates a tiny space between her thumb and forefinger. “Don’t play with me.”
“I know.”
“I mean, you basically monkey branched from Jordan to Luca—”
“I didn’t monkey-branch!” I snap. “Jordan fucking monkey-branched from me to Kris. I got with Luca after he dumped me. I didn’t cheat.”
“Okay, shit. Sorry. Pardon my phrasing.”
“It’s not phrasing, it’s just a completely incorrect use of that term.” I’m sullen, tossing my empty latte cup onto the coffee table and drawing my knees up. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I mean…I did warn you—”
Jamil nudges Danika’s shoulder. “We talked about this, Danika. Being insensitive.”
She sighs. “Right. Sorry.”
“You promised you wouldn’t do that,” I mutter, completely put out now. “Say you told me so. Remember?”
“I guess I did.” She levels me with a look that is equal parts compassionate and concerned. “I just don’t want you to jump into this sort of thing for the wrong reasons. You know, hooking up or relationships or whatever because you feel like you have to move on.”
I thrust my chin at Jamil. “But it’s fine when he does it?”
“Jamil doesn’t have any disorders,” she states. “He doesn’t engage in behaviors. I don’t worry about him like I do about you.”
“Hey,” he says, good-naturedly.
“And before you argue, you’ve given me plenty of reasons to worry over the last year or so.”
I don’t have much to say to that. I have, in fact, made them both walk through fire just to support me this past year.
It’s amazing they have stuck around at all, considering.
It’s sort of funny, but earlier this year I’d promised myself I’d work on making it all up to them, being better to them, making up for all the hurt I’d caused just by the nature of being me.
Instead I’d come through like a hurricane.
I do hate that she’s right, though.
“For what it’s worth, I feel like you know what you can handle by now,” Jamil offers. “You got burned pretty badly. Two whole times.”
I raise one eyebrow. “Thanks, I guess.”
He gestures vaguely with his vape. “They’re learning experiences. That’s how you’ve got to see it.” Guy has one threesome after getting dumped and suddenly he’s the expert. I have to very consciously stop my eyes from rolling into the back of my head.
“Look, if you wanna download a bunch of apps again and go nuts, I’m not going to stop you,” Danika goes on. “I’m just saying, as I always do, to be careful. And really be careful this time, don’t throw your heart at whatever hot guy bats his lashes at you.”
“Trust me, I don’t want a relationship. Like, actually. No bullshit.” I set my chin on my knees. “Jamil’s right. I’ve gotten burned way too many times at this point. I’m not sticking my hand in any more fires anytime soon.”
“Good. Now eat your damn bagel.” She shoves it in front of me. “I’ve noticed you’re getting way too skinny.”
As I obediently shove wads of bread into my mouth, Jamil suddenly lets out a gasp. He leans forward, his face inches from his phone. “Did you see this shit?” he demands me. “On Anathema’s Facebook page?”
“You’re still on Facebook?” I ask with my mouth full. “Wait, are you seriously following Anathema on there? What was that about not being into the fetish shit?”
He ignores my pointed remarks. “Listen to this shit. ‘In light of the drink spiking incident on Friday night we urge our patrons to use utmost caution…blah blah blah…’”
I think my soul actually leaves my body for a minute. My stomach plummets into free-fall.
“‘If you have any information about the incident please contact us—’” He glances up at me. “Dude, we were there that night. That’s fucking crazy. It could’ve happened to us.”
“Yeah,” I hear myself say. “That’s crazy.”