Chapter 11 #3
“And then?” I prompt. I don’t want to think about Anathema.
“And then…” Luca’s green eyes flick up to mine, and they’re sort of dark, possessive almost. “And then I would’ve bodied the guy flogging you.”
“The fuck you would,” I laugh. “You’re too nice.”
“Not when it comes to you.” He kisses the outside of my knee. “Then I would’ve thrown you over my shoulder hogtied and took you home while you hissed and spat at me. We would’ve worked it all out, I’m sure.”
“Maybe I’d just need a good spank.” I’m warming up to this little fantasy, squirming on the couch. “Punishment for being such a brat.”
Luca chuckles deep in his chest. It’s such a good, sexy sound. “Really, Noel?”
“Sorry for being horny.”
“It’s not that, just—I just don’t foresee any sex clubs in our future. I mean, you were the one saying I was father of the year for going at all.”
“I was just being a dick.” I’m pouting. “I didn’t really mean you’re a bad dad for going. The kid’s not even here yet. Who cares?”
“It didn’t go so well for us last time we went,” he points out.
“Last time was weird. And the people watching were jackasses. I’d like to try again at a different club.”
“Hmm.” He watches me. “Well, there’s definitely nicer ones than Strapped. Maybe we could go to a demo one weekend. And for real just watch this time, not jump into anything.”
“Maybe this weekend…”
“Can’t this weekend. We’re having lunch with Demi, remember?”
I wince like I’ve been hit on the nose with a newspaper. Fuck, I can’t believe that’s actually happening. I’m going to have to meet the pregnant wife. The actual, literal bane of my existence.
And I know it’s unfair, but I want to blame her for everything.
It would make things so much easier if I could.
Make things easier if I could say no to this stupid fucking lunch.
Luca even gave me that out but no, I have to be the bigger person, I have to play at the adult I allegedly am.
It won’t work if I don’t. “Do we have to talk about that now?”
“No.” He sighs, and his eyes slip shut. All at once I can see how tired he is, the hollows beneath his eyes and the weary lines on his face.
I wonder if he’s not been sleeping well.
I know I don’t sleep the same without him; I have been wrecked for months because of that.
“But we’re just getting back into this, Noel.
Let’s table the sex club stuff for now.”
I feel the smile fade from my face as I lean down, tucking my legs beneath myself. He blinks his eyes open as my face comes level with his, and I comb his hair back from his forehead. “Are you okay?” I ask him.
“Just…things.” His head comes to rest against mine. “I don’t want to bother you with it.”
Now I’m anxious, worried about him, worried about us. “Talk to me, Luca. A burden shared and fucking whatever. Yeah?”
And of course he picks up on my disquiet, kissing my face, and I can feel his smile against my skin. “It’s stupid family stuff. Nothing you need to fret about.”
“Tell me anyway. You know I’m here for you too, right? It goes both ways.”
“Fine.” He’s pulling his jeans shut, snapping them closed. Maybe it’s a cue for me to get dressed too, but I don’t take it. It’s hot. “Remember how I said I came out to my dad? Again, officially, whatever. He’s got heart problems, now—I can’t remember if I told you.”
“No,” I say. “You didn’t say that.” I wonder if I should apologize for that but it’s kinda hard when his dad is such a fucking asshole. Am I supposed to be sorry his heart might explode?
Luca goes on, “He hasn’t really spoken to me since then, of course, not that I’ve tried reaching out. I guess he can’t bring himself to do it. So instead he’s gotten my uncle on my ass about it.”
“About what?”
“About reconsidering my sexuality.” He rubs his bare arms, fingertips absently tracing along the edge of an inked rose. “About going back to church and confession and asking for forgiveness and all this shit. And he told me I was being very selfish for putting my father through this.”
I’m instantly furious on his behalf. “Do they know what he did to you?” I demand. “Or your ex-boyfriend? Your dad’s a fucking monster.”
“My uncle for sure knows about that. What he did to Arin.” I watch his throat work as he swallows. “But apparently that’s all my fault, anyway. Just like it’s my fault that he’s in such poor health now, too.”
I feel a twinge of guilt, because I’m the reason he came out to his dad, and if that never happened, this wouldn’t be happening.
But then again, if it wasn’t me, it’d be someone else.
Baby or no baby, I don’t think there’s a universe where Luca doesn’t end up with another man eventually.
You can only clip a bird’s wings for so long until they start fighting back with beak and talons.
“I think he’s dying,” he says at length.
“No one’s actually said as much. Not him, or his doctor, or anyone else—it’s just this feeling I get.
It reminds me of when Mom was on her way out.
I’m watching him circle the drain.” His chest rises and falls as he sighs.
“All those years of being a hateful asshole are catching up to him, I guess.”
This time I do apologize. “I’m sorry, Luca,” I say softly, reaching for him. “That everything’s happening at once.”
“It’s alright.” He catches my hand. “I don’t know how I feel about it, anyway. Not sad, exactly. I guess sort of…neutral. For now.”
I don’t know what words to say that are right in this situation.
What condolences do you give to a guy whose dad’s a monster, who would be better off without him?
And I wonder how I’ll feel when my own mom kicks it because, despite everything, I have a strange loyalty to her, a love that flickers and wanes but just won’t go out completely.
I don’t know why, when she’s never given me any reason to care, even a little.
“I’m here,” I say. “However you need me.”
“Thank god for that.” He squeezes my fingers. “I can deal with all the bullshit as long as I’ve got you.”
“Good thing you’ve got me, then,” I tell him, because he does.