Chapter 12 #3
It’s a quiet ride to Noel’s place, mostly. He doesn’t want to talk, so after copious apologies and check-ins that he doesn’t respond to, I leave him to his silence. He’s vacillated rapidly between silent tears and self-possession several times by the time I pull up by his apartment.
“Noel,” I say, and he doesn’t respond or even look at me. “Just so you know, none of that matters to me. It doesn’t change anything. Okay? I know how it was for you.”
He sits there for a seemingly contemplative moment, one hand laid on the door, before he twists towards me. “Did you fucking set me up?” he demands. “Was that all on purpose? Some joke between you two?”
“No.” And I’m only slightly wounded that he would accuse me. We’re still gluing the pieces of that shattered trust back together. Fine. “I didn’t even know she ran that check on you. That’s never been a thought in my mind.”
“Are you sure? White trash with no dad and a mom on the skids? Never got even a little curious, everything you know about me?” Nostrils flaring, face streaked with mascara and tears, and even now I can’t help but admire that wild, fierce beauty of his.
Even when all his fury is currently concentrated on me. “Well?”
“I’m sure, Noel.” I don’t give any of it back to him, that scalding temper and attitude. I keep myself as dispassionate as possible. I am quiet. “If it was important, you’d tell me when you were ready.”
He turns away from me again, arms folded as he hunches against the back of the seat. His hair hides his face from me. I want to reach across and hook it behind his ear, to touch him, but I don’t. He doesn’t want it right now. “I’m not going to pretend I’m sorry.” It comes out sullen.
“You don’t have to be,” I say. “I’m not asking you to be.”
“But are you glad to know?”
“I know you wouldn’t do anything without a reason, Noel.
” Watching him, the way the sunshine just catches the tip of his nose and turns it pink.
“I know you.” He wipes his face with his wrists.
I see the black flecks of makeup come away.
I hesitate before I speak again. “Is that why you don’t want to file a police report?
” I ask him this very quietly. “Because of—”
He turns on me in an instant. “Can you not?” he snaps.
The sudden viciousness of his response actually leaves me momentarily speechless, and I fumble for a response.
“I told you I don’t want to talk about it.
I don’t ever want to talk about it. Just leave it alone. How hard it is for you to just stop?”
“Extremely,” I fire back, “because I know it’s hurting you. I’m not fucking stupid. I don’t think that something like that just goes away overnight without affecting you.”
“It would go away if you stopped reminding me!” he cries.
He’s reaching for the door handle and yanks at it.
I unlock the door so he’s not trapped. He staggers out onto the sidewalk and then slams the door behind him without another word to me, but that’s fine.
I’m already yanking my keys out of the ignition and undoing my seatbelt and jumping out myself.
“Noel,” I call, trying to catch up with him as he trots towards his apartment, “wait. I’m sorry.” I’ve said that a million fucking times today. I’ve blown it. This has all been a disaster, start to finish. It’s so very on theme for us.
He whirls towards me a few feet from his apartment’s entrance. “I don’t know if I can do this.” Bawling again, hair clinging to his wet cheeks as I gather him up in my arms. “Luca, I just don’t know.”
I hold him tight and he clings back, his wet face burrowed in my chest. “Do what?” I ask softly, even though I’m terrified of the answer.
He says nothing. “This?” I prod. “Us?” Please, no.
I’ve only just gotten him back. I knew this was going to be tough but we haven’t even gotten to give it a fair shot.
Noel shakes his head. He’s pulling away again. “Anything,” he says, fisting the tears from his eyes. “Any of it. What if Demi doesn’t let me see your baby? Are you going to get rid of me?” His fingers dig into my shirt, my skin. “I can’t do it all over again. I can’t.”
“That’s not going to happen,” I say firmly.
“But it could. You don’t know that. What then?” He’s just looking for reasons, poking holes in everything, working himself up to hysterics right here on the sidewalk.
“It won’t because I won’t let it happen.” I take his face in my hands and press my forehead to his. “I’m not letting you go, Noel,” I tell him fiercely. “I’m not ever, for anything or anyone. You are mine.” Softer: “And I’m yours.”
“Do you promise?” His voice quavers on the request as his nose bumps mine. Wanting so badly to believe it and not quite letting himself, and that’s okay, too. I will keep proving it to him as long as I need to. I will do this forever.
“I promise.” My thumbs stroke along his tear-streaked cheekbones. “I love you.”
His fingers wrap around my wrists. “I love you, too.”
We stand like that for a few heartbeats longer.
The afternoon sunshine is warm, filtering through the leaves of nearby trees and dappling our skin.
I kiss him gently before I draw back. “I’m taking care of this,” I tell him.
“Please don’t worry.” He tries to smile, fails, and settles for a nod.
“Do you want me to stay with you tonight?” I ask.
“I’ve got work tomorrow, but I can run back home and grab a few things. ”
“Yes.” He raises his chin. “Please.”
“You’ve got it.”
I kiss him goodbye and watch him go back inside. Only then can I make myself return to my truck.