Chapter 26 #2
“Remember when I told you ages ago that Demi was going to buy me out of our house as part of the divorce?” He’s still just looking at me, so I add, “We’ve been finalizing that over the last few weeks. We filed—”
“You filed? For divorce?”
“Yes.”
“You didn’t tell me.” It’s not accusatory. I can’t read his tone, actually. He’s still looking at me in total, complete surprise, and he sounds sort of dazed.
“I wanted to wait until everything went through. Since last time it was so…you know, it was a shit show, and I was scared it would bring up all those old memories again. I wanted everything to be absolutely perfect first. It won’t be final for another couple of months, of course, but it’s happening, and we’ve got a temporary custody agreement in place for Aster to revisit when she’s a year old—and Demi’s transferred the money she owed me for the house, so… ”
I sound like an idiot and he’s just looking at me, mouth slightly agape and eyes round, and I feel like the worst person in the world. I think this entire idea might’ve been idiotic. Oh my god, why didn’t I think this through? Fuck surprises. Fuck.
“I’m sorry,” I say, reaching for him. “The idea was to give you something really special, not to upset you. It doesn’t have to be this house, if you hate it, I just wanted to show you that this is something I want to do with you.
We can keep looking together if you don’t like it.
Or, I mean, if you don’t want to live together at all, we don’t have to. I really hope you do, though.”
There are tears in his honey-brown eyes which alarms me immediately before he throws himself at me with the full force of his slender body, arms seizing me around the neck.
“Of course I want to live with you, you fucking loser.” His face is buried in my neck, his voice muffled.
“All I fucking wanted was to live with you again. That’s all I wanted this whole time.
I don’t care where it is, as long as it’s with you. Jesus.”
My arms go around him tight and now I feel like I’m going to cry, too. Happy tears. I pepper the top of his head with kisses and I don’t even know what to say, I’m so goddamn thrilled and I love him so much. “Don’t cry, baby,” I whisper to him hypocritically.
“Wait.” He pulls back. “Wait, so, what about the baby? I thought you didn’t want to miss anything. That’s how this whole mess started.”
“We had a good talk about how it wasn’t working for us to live together anymore,” I tell him.
“And it wasn’t. It was so miserable for both of us.
We’ve worked out daily visitation for a year, since Demi will be breastfeeding, and after that we’ll be looking at 50-50.
That’s why I wanted to get a house close by. ”
“But is that okay?” he asks, wild and bewildered. “Is that okay for you? It was so important to you.”
“It is important. But so is everyone involved being happy. It’s a pointless arrangement if both Demi and I are miserable, and I can’t be happy without you.
” I tuck his hair behind his ears. “I’m really sorry, Noel.
For everything I did, the way I treated you back then and what I did to you, the things I said, just because I was a coward who wasn’t ready to face who I was and what it meant.
You deserve so, so much better. If you never forgive me for that, I understand—but no matter what, I’m going to spend the rest of my life giving you all the good things you deserve.
As long as you’ll have me. Until you tell me to fuck off. ”
He sniffs, blotting at his smeared eyeliner with his fingertips.
Gently I help him, my throat so painfully tight.
“I just want you, Luca,” he says softly.
“I just want this. That’s all I ever wanted.
I don’t care if you fuck up sometimes, ‘cause I’m gonna fuck up too.
As long as we have this, always. As long as you want me and love me, we can figure the rest out. ”
“I do want you and love you, stunt girl.” My thumbs stroke his damp cheeks. “I will walk through fire for you again and again. That much, I can promise you. I won’t fail you like that ever again.”
He tips his forehead against mine and we rub noses. He takes a moment to pull himself together. “Okay then,” he says. “Let’s see this house.”
I lead him through it, his hand in mine.
I show him the sunny, south facing master bedroom and the two smaller ones on the other side of the hall, one of which is already staged to look like a nursery.
Then the bathrooms, of which there are two, but they’re both tiny and cramped, almost as bad as the one in his old apartment.
And the kitchen, recently renovated and also small, but it’s bright and well-lit with an adjoining dining room.
“I know it’s not very big,” I tell him apologetically as he looks around with far more interest than before, his gaze appraising. “We could always upgrade in a few years, depending on how things go.”
“Is my name gonna be on the title?”
“Of course. If something happens to me, I want the house to be yours.”
“But only if I’m paying.”
I smile. “If you want to contribute to the mortgage, be my guest.”
“Of course I do.” He’s chock full of indignation. “I’m not a freeloader.”
We examine the back deck and the small, fenced-in yard beyond, complete with a detached shed with a suspiciously sagging roof, before we walk through one more time.
I feel like I can see the wheels in Noel’s head turning, thinking about where he will put this or that, arrange his clutter just so, what paintings and posters will go on which walls.
I love it.
I love him.
And when he’s finished mentally furnishing the place at last, making his way to the front door, I say, “If you don’t like it, we can keep looking. We don’t have to settle for the first house we see.”
He tilts his head at me. “Why not? I love it. It’s perfect for us, I think. And the yard is good for kids and dogs. Who wants a giant house, anyway?”
“Yeah.” I’m smiling so wide my cheeks hurt. “That’s what I thought, too.”
We go outside to meet Lael, and we bid her goodbye. I let her know we’ll be in touch about the house tomorrow, and I can see her internally fist pumping about another commission secured as she effusively thanks me.
“It actually kinda sucks having to leave,” Noel says, watching her pull away from the curb. “Mentally I’m already moving in.”
“Yeah.” I cast one more look at the little white house over my shoulder, glowing orange in the setting summer sun. “I get what you mean. We’ll kick-start the process first thing tomorrow.”
“Holy fuck, Luca. I’m gonna be a homeowner.”
I kiss him. “I can’t wait.”
We get back in the truck. We still have dinner with Demi and Jacob tonight, after all. And tomorrow, we’ll buy a house. In a month, we’ll all get to meet Aster and I’ll be a dad. After that, who knows?
There’s still rough road to navigate, I know.
My dad is dying. My family wants nothing to do with me.
Noel’s mother is still in active addiction, and it’s up to him how he wants to handle his relationship with her.
I’ll support him in whatever way he chooses—even if I wish he’d let her go, so she couldn’t hurt him anymore, but I know how it is. I know how hard it is to let go.
Nothing’s perfect. Nothing ever will be.
But whatever happens now, I can face it.
Because I have Noel, who is the strongest and bravest person I’ve ever met, who has endured hardship beyond imagining and still come out on the other side somehow; wounded, yes, but proud and beautiful and capable.
Who has a heart so big and encompassing and full of love that I don’t know how he can contain it all in that petite body of his.
He is gorgeous, he is wild, and there is nothing in this world I would trade him for.
I know that now. There’s no life worth living without him.
He catches my sidelong glance and smiles, his amber eyes burnished gold in the late summer sun.
He is my heart.
My beautiful boy.
My stunt girl.