Chapter 11
BEAU
He’d seen it. He’d seen it. He’d seen.
Oh god.
Oh god oh god oh god.
I rubbed the sunscreen into my skin with shaking hands, trying to reassure myself that it didn’t matter.
It didn’t matter.
Everything was fine.
Even if he had seen it, that didn’t mean anything. Guys got boners all the time. All the time. Everywhere. For no reason. Right? It didn’t matter. It was a normal reaction. It didn’t mean anything.
I kept telling myself that, over and over again, until some of the anxiety started to dissipate. The soothing sounds of the waves and the seagulls, the smell of the ocean, and the feel of the breeze against my hot skin helped calm me down, too.
Lea hadn’t been talking to me at all since I’d pulled away from him.
I should’ve just let him keep going because his hands had felt so good.
Soft and firm at the same time, gently rubbing me.
Holding me in place. Sliding along the curve of my spine.
Touching me where I’d never been touched before in a way that I’d only dreamed about.
I had to remind myself that he was just helping me put sunscreen on and nothing more. To him, it was simply a perfunctory thing.
I’d overreacted, and I felt bad about that. He’d saved me from an awful situation last night after I’d drunk too much. I’d been so irresponsible and I couldn’t let anything like that happen again.
I really felt like the burden he told me I wasn’t.
“Do you want to swim?” Lea asked quietly. I didn’t like what his change in demeanor meant.
It meant that he was bothered by something, and I had a feeling I knew exactly what was bothering him.
“Yeah,” I croaked. I cleared my throat as I got to my feet, trying to forget about everything else except for the ocean in front of me, focusing on the growing excitement that I was finally—finally—getting to experience it for myself.
Just seeing the vast expanse of all that blue-green water fading seamlessly into the horizon had brought tears to my eyes. It was unlike anything I’d ever seen.
I couldn’t swim, but I wasn’t afraid of walking into the water. The waves looked fairly calm and I didn’t plan on going out very far, anyway.
I should probably thank Lea for bringing me down here. Instead, I’d snapped at him for just putting sunscreen on my back. No, that wasn’t true. I’d snapped at him because I was deeply embarrassed that his simple touch had gotten me so hard I’d been on the verge of coming.
The water was warm against my toes, bubbled around my ankles, frothy and a little grainy.
I waded deeper until I could touch the rippling waves with my fingers and feel the strength of the water against my thighs.
A smile broke across my face, and I turned toward Lea.
He was watching me with a guarded expression, but then his eyes lowered to my lips.
His features softened and he pushed toward me with a smile of his own.
“Everything you ever thought it would be?”
“It’s amazing,” I gushed. A bubbly kind of joy churned through me, giving me a heady sensation of lightness. “Thank you.”
Lea raised one of those wickedly arched brows at me. “For what?”
I ran a finger across the surface of the water.
“For bringing me here. Helping me last night. Putting up with me in general when you really don’t have to.
For everything.” My eyes dipped down to Lea’s bare chest, his lean muscles defined enough for me to be able to trace them, if he’d let me.
His nipples were pink buds, and he had a light smattering of blond hair across his pecs.
Lea had a divinely masculine figure that became even more tempting when he added touches of femininity to it.
Like his lace panties.
I dragged my eyes away when I realized I was staring.
“Hmm, I’ll let you thank me for bringing you here, maybe for helping you, but not that last one.
There’s nothing to put up with, Beau. If I had my choice of any roommate, anyone at all, I’d choose you a thousand times over.
You’re quiet, polite, considerate. I like having you there,” he admitted.
“With me. I was kinda lonely before you came along.”
I slowly waded deeper, my eyes riveted to his.
Did that mean he wasn’t lonely anymore?
The water was up to my chest, and I moved my arms back and forth as Lea’s words rattled around in my mind. I wasn’t sure anyone had ever said those kinds of things to me. And when Lea said it, something intense in his gaze, it only made everything more buoyant.
“I like being there,” I said softly, offering him a small smile. “I really like being there. With you.”
Lea’s lips parted, his eyes boring into mine. “Beau, I—”
I took another step back, and my foot slid down into nothing.
The water engulfed me entirely as I went under, thrashing my arms frantically as my nerves screamed with panic.
I inhaled ocean water, tried to kick my legs, tried to find the bottom, and then someone grabbed me around the waist and dragged me to the surface.
I coughed and sputtered as I clung to Lea, wrapping my arms around his neck, my legs around his waist. Every inhale was so loud and sharp, and I felt the attention of several people nearby. I squeezed Lea tighter, burying my face in his neck as I trembled violently.
“Hey, hey, you’re okay. You’re all right, I got you,” he said, stroking up and down my back. “I got you. What happened? You step off a shelf?” He had one hand splayed across my thigh, clutching me to him, searing into me like a brand.
Skin to skin, I could feel every curve of muscle, all his natural warmth, and there was something so right about being this close to Lea.
“What happened, Beau?”
There were drops of water on Lea’s neck, and I pressed my lips against one. Lea froze, and I turned my face away from the temptation of his throat. “I can’t swim,” I whispered.
Lea crushed me tighter against his body. “What?” he said in disbelief. One hand slid up to grasp the nape of my neck, holding me to him. “Are you serious? Why wouldn’t you tell me something like that? Jesus Christ, Beau!”
His voice was filled with fear and anger, and a wave of shame rolled over me. I tried to drop back down to the ocean floor, but Lea only squeezed me harder.
“I’m s-sorry. Let me go,” I said, mortified that my voice wobbled so much.
“Fuck no, I’m not letting you go,” he growled, wading toward the shore. “I never should’ve let you come out this far!”
The water slowly dropped away until Lea was holding me all on his own, sand flying out from under his furious feet as he stomped toward our spot. He didn’t let go of me until we were back, and even then, he seemed extremely reluctant to put me down.
Finally, he loosened his grip and let me slide my legs off him. I planted my feet in the sand, tipping forward as he kept a firm hold on my arms. I let my forehead fall against his chest and whispered into his skin. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, please don’t be mad at me. Please.”
I sucked in a breath when he took my chin in a firm grasp and forced me to look up at him.
“It’s okay. All right? I’m not mad at you, love, you just…
” He took a shaky breath and let it out slowly.
“That scared me. From now on, you promise me you’ll tell me something as important as that.
Okay? You really scared the shit out of me, Beau.
I can’t have something happen to you. I can’t.
” He searched my eyes, and my chest tightened at the panic I could clearly see in his.
All I wanted to do was rid him of those awful feelings. I reached up to touch his face, realized what I was doing, and curled my fingers into a fist, letting it rest against his chest.
“I’m s-sorry,” I said, all the magic of the day evaporating.
My eyes welled with tears, a knot formed in my throat as the reality of what could’ve happened started to sink in.
“I’m really sorry, I thought we weren’t out that far and I should have told you that I couldn’t swim, and I know Shea would be so upset if anything happened t-to—”
“Beau, this has nothing to do with Shea,” he said, splaying his hands on either side of my face.
The wet strands of his pink hair clung to his temple, and I wanted to brush it aside.
“Forget Shea for a moment, okay? This has everything to do with you putting yourself in danger. Serious danger. Do you know how many people drown out here every year? If there was a strong current, you would’ve been pulled away and—” He let go of me, stepped back, and rubbed his hands down his face.
The impulse to step into him and wrap my arms around him was so strong that if he hadn’t turned around right then, I would have.
“Fuck!” He sat down hard, knees drawn up, elbows propped atop them, and shaking hands grabbing fistfuls of his hair.
That awful tightness in my chest twisted sharply, and without thinking, I dropped to my knees and wrapped my arms around him from behind. “I’m sorry I scared you, Lea.”
Other than Shea, I had never in my life had anyone care about my wellbeing.
It was almost surreal, seeing Lea this upset by my carelessness.
Flashes of last night flitted through my mind; Lea’s distress, how scared he’d been.
He was scared now, too. And even though I didn’t understand why—I was nobody, nothing to him—I squeezed him tight and held him until he stopped shaking so much.
When I realized that I had basically plastered myself to him, I let go and sat next to him, putting my hand on his knee instead. He dropped his hands and looked at me, then grabbed the hand I’d set on his knee and squeezed it hard.
“Please don’t do something like that ever again, Beau.
I’ll teach you how to swim, okay? All you have to do is ask.
But please don’t scare me like that. After last night—” He cut himself off and tipped his head forward until his forehead was resting on our joined hands.
“You’re more important than you think you are.
” He turned his head, still letting it rest on our hands as his gaze locked onto mine. “Okay?”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I didn’t—I wasn’t…
” I took a deep, breath. “I wasn’t planning on going out that far.
But I should have told you. I just thought…
” I swallowed, wanting to break away from the intensity of his stare and completely unable to.
“I thought you might not let me go in the water at all if you knew,” I whispered.
Lea’s eyes bored into mine, moving back and forth.
“Yeah, you’re right,” he said, making my stomach sink.
“I wouldn’t have let you anywhere near the water if I’d known.
In fact, I’m gonna wrap you in ten layers of bubble wrap and lock you up in the apartment.
” A weak laugh shuddered out of him. “Why can’t you swim? ” he asked softly.
I shrugged and traced designs in the sand with my finger. “Just never learned how. My mom never took us to pools or anything, so there wasn’t much need for it. I don’t think I ever really thought I’d actually get to see the ocean. Or swim in it.”
Lea looked at me for a long moment, then nodded and bit his lip. “Well, I’ll teach you. Maybe not today, though, I think I need some time to let my heart calm down. I swear to god, you’re gonna be the literal death of me.”
My hand was still on Lea’s knee, and he hadn’t let go of me yet, either. I was painfully aware of how soft his long fingers were on mine, how I could feel the beginnings of his thigh muscles beneath my own hand where it lay.
I was deeply sorry that I hadn’t told him I couldn’t swim.
That I’d scared him like that. Whether he said so or not, he probably thought I was the biggest asshole.
Or idiot. Probably both. God, it seemed like I wouldn’t ever feel anything but humiliated around this man—because of my own actions and issues.
I wasn’t sure how long we sat there in silence with only the sound of laughter and the breaking of waves slipping through my defeated thoughts, but after a while Lea pulled his hand from mine and stood up.
“Let’s go home, Beau.”
Shea left the next day in a flurry of anxious energy. He’d be gone for eight weeks, and it wasn’t really a hardship to say goodbye. I was used to him not being around. What was another two months?
After the incident down at the beach, a few weeks passed where I barely saw Lea, and I wondered if he was avoiding me.
But he was always friendly in passing, always seemed happy to see me, however brief our interactions were.
He’d said that things were hectic down at the bar since one of their employees had to move out of state.
His hand had healed up nicely from the burn, too, which was a relief.
My time was devoted to work and a little gaming here and there with my friends.
Even with how busy we both were, he would still check in with me to make sure I was doing all right—and to make sure I hadn’t tried to go down to the beach by myself.
He kept telling me he would teach me how to swim when things quieted down a little at work.
My brain was hell-bent on torturing me. I couldn’t forget about the way Lea’s hands on me had felt. I couldn’t erase the genuine fear he’d had for me, and I couldn’t forget the way his skin had tasted when I’d briefly pressed my lips to his neck.
Thoughts of him consumed me, and those thoughts often turned into filthy fantasies that ended with quiet jerk-off sessions late at night in my dark room.
And when I dreamed, it was always of Lea.