9. Jensen
NINE
JENSEN
Sleep had been fitful.
My stress test was today, and my dreams had been full of fire and smoke and golden eyes full of recrimination.
I wanted to believe she’d forgiven me for the fire. For being more than useless when it came to saving her, but after our walk last night, I wasn’t so sure. The fear was too palpable when we were around one another.
And still, I’d pushed myself on her.
Okay, so it was on the store—but I’d told her I wouldn’t press and the very first thing I’d done was fucking push her into taking me on.
“Idiot.” I slapped the mattress and stared up at the dragon I’d drawn in between the plumes of thick, acrid smoke.
That would be me in a few short days. The final stretch for my goal was in sight.
Yesterday, I’d watched half of my class fail.
Half.
Half didn’t make it through the burning box full of detours, smoke, and chaos.
Would that be me?
“Fuck.” I pushed myself up anddragged myself into the bathroom to shower off the sweat and fear that had wrapped around me in my sheets. In every obstacle course, I saw Lyric’s face.
I could never get to her.
If I couldn’t get my head on straight, I wouldn’t deserve to be a firefighter. I’d be a liability, and I could actually get someone hurt. No amount of hubris could change that.
But hell, I might not even make it to the final burn house obstacle course. Not if I couldn’t pass the first test.
I managed to wash off the first layer of nerves with a scalding shower, then a cold blast to finish me off. I used my clippers to tighten up my hair and my beard, then I dressed in navy pants that allowed me to move and twist without issue. A matching navy T-shirt with trainee emblazoned on the back was next and my regulation boots.
I stared at my reflection on the back of my door. Gone was the artist’s image that had been my entire identity.
Was I making a mistake?
Was Eli right?
Annoyed with myself, I grabbed my jacket, phone, wallet, and keys and left my studio. It was a bright, cold, sunny day and the air punched me in the chest. The drive out to the academy gave me too much time to think. I blasted my workout playlist full of angry rock and unrelenting drums and tried to empty my damn brain.
The parking lot was half full now that we were into the final stretch of our courses. If I didn’t pass the stress test, there was no reason to hit up the written portion.
How nice of them not to waste our time.
I climbed out and headed for the nondescript boxy building.
“Hey, Turner, wait up.”
I turned back to the voice behind me. “You’re actually early. Is the world ending?”
“Shut up.” Eddie Chase looked like he should be in a boardroom or a courtroom like my brother. Tanned and athletic, he was a few inches taller than me with sandy blond hair and made going to the gym his primary life goal. “Denton washed out yesterday. Freaked out in the maze.”
“Hell.”
The maze was our stress test, a series of obstacles that we had to handle blind. Literally.
“Yeah, of any of us, I thought he’d make it.” Eddie gave me a lopsided grin. “Grogan made it, though.”
“Yeah? Did she tell you her time to beat?”
He laughed as we rounded the back of the building to where the courses were set up. “No. She wouldn’t give that up.”
“Just like her number.”
Eddie groaned. “No, she definitely won’t give that up.”
There was a large group of men and women clustered near the ramshackle house they’d planted in the back of the training camp. It was two levels and looked like any other house in my old hometown of Albany. Sad and made of the shittiest grade materials.
Laughter and boastful ribbing rose on the cold air.
“Line up!” The sharp bark of our trainer killed conversation.
“Today is the maze. You will work alone. One of our instructors will help you through the room with verbal orders if you get into trouble. Do not remove your mask under any circumstances. If you are in a fire, you could singe your lungs or pass out from smoke inhalation. If you can’t handle this, you can’t handle being a firefighter.”
“No pressure,” Eddie muttered next to me.
“Naughton, Gupta, Chase, and Ferrari are up first.”
“Well, shit.” Eddie gave me a weak smile. “I don’t know what’s worse, going first or last.”
“You got this.” I bumped my knuckles with his.
“I got this,” he agreed.
I followed him to the front and nodded to a few of the trainees I’d been in class with. The end stages of the academy were a mix of different classes. Some branched off to do ladder and hose drag courses.
I’d passed those the week before. I’d trained to make it through the physical side of this.
I knew the mental was where I could get tripped up.
Ferrari and Gupta came out with raised arms of celebration. They were from the Buffalo area and already had jobs lined up. It depended on each individual firehouse if you had to go to the academy first or after applying in a firehouse.
Captain Mills of the CCFD didn’t play. You had to pass the academy before he even looked your paperwork.
Our trainer called for Eddie, and I paced the area waiting to see if my friend would get through the maze. Smoke met him as he opened the door to the house. He was dressed in full gear, but instead of a regular mask, this one was blacked out with duct tape.
We went in absolutely blind.
Nerves climbed my spine and settled in my shoulders. I couldn’t watch or listen to the trainer. I backed away from the crowd of people waiting their turn and sucked in deep, icy breaths.
Eddie would survive if he didn’t make it to the end. He was a bored personal trainer who was looking for a new way to level up. This wasn’t a vocation for him. This was physical and challenging.
That was it.
I turned back to the house—it seemed like I’d been gone too long.
Or, rather, Eddie had been in there too long.
Murmurs in the crowd reached me as I jogged back to the house.
“It’s all right, Chase. Just quiet your breathing. Puzzle it out.”
“Shit,” I muttered.
Kal Gupta came up beside me. “He’ll be okay.”
“You made it. Congrats, man.”
Gupta smiled grimly. “Thanks. Four sisters terrorizing me all my life prepared me for anything.”
I laughed. “Just a brother for me.”
“Did you ever play wrestling as a kid?”
“No. I’m pretty sure my brother was born with a suit on.”
Kal snickered. “Well, every part of it makes you feel like something is pressing on top of you. Ignore that and you’re golden.”
“Ignore that—okay, sure.”
I heard the cutout sound of Eddie’s voice. The fear and overwhelm came through the receiver with the trainer. I found myself moving forward, the need to help overriding all sense.
“Back up, trainee.”
“Sorry.” I took two large steps back and crossed my arms. “C’mon, Eddie.”
Kal gripped my shoulder. “He’s got it.”
I wasn’t so sure.
He shook me. “He’s through.”
I glanced at him then followed his hand, pointing to the back of the house. Eddie flipped off his mask and bent at the waist. The trainers came over to help him out of his gear and slapped him on the back.
Eddie found me in the crowd and gave me a thumbs up. His face red and sweaty, his usually perfect hair sticking up all over.
I laughed and mirrored him. Bent at the waist, I sucked in the cold air.
“All right, enough horseshit!”
Eddie grinned at our trainer. “Thanks for helping me through.”
“That’s what your squad will do, son. If you find a good one.”
Eddie nodded. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”
“You were the one who made it through. Don’t discount it. Now go hit the books. You won’t get out of here if you don’t get that written passed before you even get into the burn box.”
Eddie grinned. “Yes, sir.”
He ran over to me and crashed into me like a wall of sweat and muscle. He lifted me right off the ground. “I made it!”
I slapped his back. “Put me down, idiot.”
He dropped me, and then he shook me. “That sucked.”
“You made it, man. All that matters.”
“You think you’re ready, but you just aren’t. I got so in my head when I couldn’t figure out if I was going forward or backward.” He scraped his fingers through his sweaty hair, pushing it back. “I froze.”
“Every situation will be different. And you still fucking did it.”
Eddie grinned. “Hell, yeah, I did.”
“Jacoby, Turner, Ramirez, and Kowalski, you’re up.”
“You got this.” Eddie slapped me in the arm. His blue eyes locked with mine. “You’re good?”
“I’m good.”
I wasn’t sure I was, but there was no way I was turning back now.
The three other trainees pushed through the crowd. Two women, me and a big guy who looked like he could bench press all of us.
Jacoby was a woman. She was getting her gear on with cool efficiency. Either she’d already been through the maze, or she had no fear. Or all bravado.
I was up next and the trainer waved me forward to get geared up while Jacoby listened to the instructions for her trip through. I concentrated on stepping into the heavy pants, cinching buckles, hauling on the tank of oxygen. All of it was well over fifty pounds and dragged me into the reality of all of this.
“If you pull off the mask, you fail. Period. No matter what, leave it on.”
I nodded. “Got it.”
“Follow the hose through the house. No matter where it goes.”
I nodded. “Understood.”
“If you drop the hose, you’ll lose your way. Don’t fucking drop it.”
I met the guy’s gaze as he hooked up my regulator. “I got it.”
“Good. You’ll still drop it.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” I said wryly.
He grinned. “Prove me wrong. I dare you.”
“Bet.”
Then he put the mask over my face, and he hooked the regulator. He slapped my helmet. “Bet.”
Someone aimed me forward. “Just walk straight ahead. No stairs. Yet.”
The cool oxygen in my face made me want to pull it off already. I’d been fitted for the gear and worn it a few times already, but the disorientation of not being able to see was more than I expected.
Hands pulled at me, pushed at me.
Disembodied voices shouted orders.
“Don’t drop the hose. No matter what.”
“Keep moving forward.”
“If you get stuck, reverse, but don’t drop the hose.”
Then my boots hit the threshold of a room, and the voices were gone. All I could hear was the hiss of the regulator pumping air into my mask. I crouched and found the hose. When I stood, my helmet immediately bumped into wood.
Debris? Furniture? Who fucking knew?
I stretched out my hand and nearly dropped the fucking hose.
Jesus.
Determination wrapped around me and steadied my gloved hands holding onto the heavy hose. I shuffled forward and my shin bumped into something. I felt around for the object in my way.
A couch?
A chair?
Uncertain, I felt along the sides and pushed it out of my way, following the hose. Then my boots hit a different kind of floor. Cheap linoleum.
A kitchen.
My shoulder jammed into a fridge. I followed the hose and ended up on my belly, squeezing through a table and chairs upended. Something stacked on top of it.
Maybe the ceiling.
“You’re going through the tunnel now, Turner.”
“Understood.” I did an army crawl through metal and cement. Rebar tugged at my flack jacket. I turned onto my side to avoid it as another piece bit into my lower back.
Twisting, I inched ahead.
I reached out and felt air. I inched in the other direction, and it was sturdier. Then suddenly, the floor dropped out and I landed hard.
“Fuck.” I flailed and almost dropped the hose.
“Find your way out.” The deep voice in my helmet was no nonsense. “If you fall through the floor in a house, how do you get out?”
“The hose.”
“You got it.”
The pressure of the wood pressing down on me had me shifting to find a handhold. I hauled myself up, my arms shaking as I pulled myself up, as well as my gear. I bumped into a strong piece of wood—a wall stud. I wrapped my glove around it and hauled myself the rest of the way up.
“Good job. Now you’re going through ducts. Watch the wires. Keep them over you. It’ll be a tight fit.”
Great.
And he wasn’t kidding. Immediately, I got tangled and swore.
“Take it slow.”
“Son of a bitch,” I muttered and pushed my head through, then I was able to get moving again. My tank got caught and I had to do a full twist to get out of it. Right about now, I was very happy that I’d been training so much with that damn weighted vest on.
My muscles strained with the bulk and the tight area, but I kept on moving, the hose tucked under my arm and around my forearm, so I didn’t mix it up with all the shit around me.
Suddenly, my regulator started clacking.
Shit, how long had I been crawling around?
“You know what that sound means right?” The dry voice intoned in my ear.
“Running out of air.”
“You got it. Get a move on.”
I hauled myself up through the tight space and felt air again. I reached around to make sure I was on even ground. Then there was way too much air.
I pulled up my legs and spun on my ass to go forward with my legs first. Sure enough, there was a wide drop. This time, I slowly lowered myself and my feet touched floor.
At least I hoped it was floor.
My ankle wobbled and I realized it was a half floor. I followed the hose and took my time even as the clacking increased.
I’d taken too damn long.
“C’mon.” I crept forward, and suddenly, there were hands on my arms, hauling me out.
The mask came off and a huge, grinning guy slapped my helmet. “Shit time, but you made it.”
“I don’t fucking care about making a best time.” I whooped. “Tell that guy who helped me with my gear he owes me a beer. I didn’t drop my hose.”
The massive dude threw back his head. “I’ll tell him.”
He pulled me out of the house and handed me off to someone in the divesting area. The tank came off and my helmet and I felt like I could breathe again.
“Good job. You just might make a good firefighter.” I turned to find the trainer who had been listing names in front of me.
“Thanks.”
He nodded to the left. “Your friends are looking for you.”
Kal and Eddie were grinning like idiots, and I ran over to them. I threw my arm around each of their necks in a half-headlock.
“We definitely deserve a beer.”
Kal laughed. “It’s one in the afternoon.”
I shrugged. “I bet Sharkey’s is serving.”
Eddie grinned. “Works for me. Today is a cheat day.”
“Good. They have killer nachos too.” My gut finally unclenched for the first time in days. “I could eat that and half a cow.” I glanced at Kal. “Sorry, man.”
Kal laughed. “All good. I’m sure they have non-cow options.”
I let go of my two friends. “Actually, they even have vegan and vegetarian options if that’s your bag.”
“Now I’m really in.” Eddie ran a hand down his belly. “If it’s cool, I’ll bring my boyfriend next time. He’s a vegan.”
“Excellent.”
Relief soaked through me as the three of us staggered off.
I’d fucking done it.