Chapter 27
NINA
Returning to Middlefield is like crashing back down to reality from a cloud. Everything is too bright, and hard, and exhausting.
Two weeks away and I’ve gone soft.
Even with all the new staffing and equipment that Art has brought in, it's overwhelming to be back. I'd forgotten how loud it is, beeping and yelling and constant movement around the different wards.
The nice thing about being with Art is that I never feel like I'm doing something wrong. I can yell at him, and he will just yell back. But he never talks down to me.
Criticism is one of the hardest parts of being a resident. At this point, I'm pretty used to it and I've got a thick skin, but diving back into it is hitting hard.
“Not as fast as you used to be,” says Dr. Roberts in the operating room when I hesitate for a split-second over passing him the right scalpel.
Dr. Webber yells at me when I take too long to change a set of scrubs. And not a single person takes me aside to suggest that he’s being unreasonable.
I confront Lily about it, when there's a finally a break where we both overlap. She pauses with a grimace as soon as I ask the question.
“So, what are people saying about me?”
“What have you heard?” Her tone is cautious.
“Nothing. That's why I'm so damn curious. All has been quiet on the Western Front, and at Middlefield, the gossip mill is never quiet.”
Lily sighs and steeples her hands on the table in front of her, averting her eyes from me.
“Nina, the gossip mill isn't quiet. In fact, it's in overdrive, because people are talking about you.”
I release a long, slow breath. “Saying good things?”
It’s a joke, but Lily doesn’t laugh. Her face looks like she’s just tasted something bad.
“Not exactly. I've actually… I had to stop talking to Daniel because of it. We were arguing about it too much.”
Great. So even my friends are talking shit about me.
“What's he been saying?”
She leans forward to speak in a low voice, even though we’re the only people in the break room.
“He has been very vocal about his opinion that Art has been giving you favorable treatment. And so have the management of the hospital. Particularly because of the honeymoon.”
“That's company policy. It applies to everyone.”
“Sure, it does. But it’s company policy that Art made for you.”
I sigh. She’s right.
“Point taken.”
I’d hoped I could avoid this. But there’s only so much smoothing over that Art can do.
Being a medical resident is all about overwork. It’s a badge of pride in the profession. The senior doctors are always talking about it like it was their time in the military, or fighting a war.
By taking a two-week vacation in the middle of my residency, instead of the one week for residents, they’ll think that I’ve basically betrayed the whole profession.
“So they think I haven't put in the work.” My stomach twists, and I suddenly feel a little nauseous.
After being a single mother who went through med school on an accelerated pathway, with no family support, the last thing I thought I would be accused of is being lazy or shirking my responsibilities.
“Be honest with me. Do you think that it’s unfair?”
Lily freezes for a second, her blue eyes widening like a deer caught in the headlights. “I, uh… I wouldn't put it like that. But it doesn't look great.” She’s suddenly very interested in the sandwich she's eating for lunch.
“I mean, you marry the owner of the hospital, and then suddenly you're entitled to perks that we don't get.” She speaks so quietly that I almost don’t catch it.
Fuck.
My stomach drops. She's right. Art and I have been cocooned in our little love fest, but I hadn't thought about how it would look to my colleagues.
Time to come back to earth.
“I’ll work harder. I'll pick up extra shifts.”
Lily’s still not looking at me.
“Go for it. But I am not the problem here, Nina. If you want people to stop gossiping about you, you're going to have to talk to Daniel about it. He is bitter, and it goes way beyond just the vacation.”
“What do you mean?”
She blows a strand of hair away from her forehead. “I mean, he's acting like a jealous ex as opposed to a colleague.”
“That's bullshit. I never encouraged him,” I begin.
Then I remember the dance at the gala. It feels like an eternity ago, but I cringe with regret. Oh no.
“I did kind of use him to make Art jealous, didn’t I?”
Lily grimaces again, finally meeting my eyes. “You kinda did. But he's also acting like way more of an asshole about it than he has any right to.”