Chapter Twenty-Six
“Dear God,” I start, palms pressed together over my heart, but the words catch in my throat. They aren’t authentic. They’re too formal.
“God, I don’t even know what to say.” The uncertainty hits me anew, but I take another calming breath and push.
“I used to be so sure that I knew what it meant to follow You. To be good. To do what was right.” The words come faster, a confession barreling out of me with its own force.
“Hannah means the world to me, and liking her doesn’t feel wrong.
It doesn’t feel like something I should repent for.
But everything I’ve been taught tells me that I should, that this is something You wouldn’t want for me—”
I take a breath, hoping to suck in the tears pricking the corners of my eyes. “I miss You,” I whisper.
My room is so still and silent, it seems like even the world outside has paused, waiting.
Warmth, like a small flame flickering to life, blooms inside my chest.
“I’m scared,” I admit, my voice breaking. “I’m scared of losing everyone. Can I be with Hannah and still follow you?”
Trust.
The word comes to me clearly, appearing in my mind, surrounding me, brushing a shiver down my spine.
“Will I still be a Christian if… even if I don’t repent?”
The warmth becomes overwhelming this time, completely filling me until it even permeates my fingertips. I savor it, sit in the stillness, and embrace the steady presence. I don’t have all the answers right now, but I have this reassurance.
I am a Christian.
And I am falling deeper for Hannah.
When I unclasp my hands, I’m not anxious. And my mind is clear, no more racing thoughts driving me to overthink.
One step at a time, I’m moving in the right direction.