Chapter 29
B e with me always—take any form—drive me mad! I can not live without my life! I can not live without my soul! - Emily Bronte , Wuthering Heights
Dimitri
“Get the fuck out!”
“Is that any way to speak to your oldest friend?”
“I’m warning you, Vaska. I’m in no mood.”
“Clearly.”
He sat in the upholstered chair next to mine, in my library. I had lost count how many times I’d imagined Emma sitting in the chair Vaska was in. Her cute feet curled up beneath her as she read a book while I worked nearby.
It was a cozy domestic scene that before Emma I had never really allowed myself to imagine.
More important, it was a cozy domestic scene I had no business wanting.
Men like me didn’t get happy endings.
We didn’t get the sweet heroine in the end.
I stared at the cold fireplace as I raised my glass and drank till it was empty.
Vaska held up a bottle of Moskovskaya Vodka. “I brought reinforcements.”
I swung out my arm, holding the glass for him to fill it. Once he did I drank deeply, wanting the burn of the alcohol to burn away her memory and knowing that would be impossible.
Emma would haunt me till the day I died.
“Now I know you are in terrible shape if you’re drinking my cheap vodka with no complaint,” quipped Vaska as he poured himself a glass. After taking a sip, he twirled the glass in his hand and looked at me. “Have you talked to her?”
“No.”
“Do you plan to?”
“No.”
“Don’t you think you’re being a little hard on yourself?”
I rubbed my jaw. “I nearly got her killed, Vaska. I’ll never forget the look of terror on her face. I did that to her. I brought fear and darkness into her world. I stained her with my violence.”
“Does she feel that way?”
“It doesn’t matter. I was a selfish bastard for starting a relationship with her. The right thing to do was end it.”
Vaska nodded. “You’re probably right.”
“Damn straight I’m right,” I growled as I took another gulp and then snatched the bottle from his hand to pour myself more.
“She deserves better than you.”
“She does.”
Vaska sighed as he leaned further back into the chair. “I have to admit you’re a better man than I, Dimitri Antonovich. I don’t think I could stand the thought of the woman I loved kissing another man.”
My eyes narrowed as I swung my head to look at him.
Vaska continued, “Or worse, spreading her legs and…”
That was as far as he got.
Flying out of my seat, I grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him bodily out of the chair. Pivoting, I slammed him against the nearest bookshelf. “Shut the fuck up or friendship or not, I’ll fucking kill you.”
“You gave her up. Threw her away. You no longer have a say in who she dates… or fucks.”
“Over my dead body does another man touch what’s mine,” I ground out as I released his shirt and pushed away from him to pace across the room.
Vaska smoothed down his shirt. “You can’t have it both ways, my friend. She is either yours … or someone else’s.”
“Goddamn it,” I shouted as I swiped at the contents of my desk, sending the laptop and files crashing to the floor. “What the fuck do you want me to do? I’m trying to save her from me… from the choices I made. If she stays with me, who knows what kind of danger I might put her in.”
Vaska shrugged. “Life has risks. Either of you could get hit by a car tomorrow. At least with her by your side, you both will be happy and you can protect her… from your choices and life in general. How are you protecting her now?”
I stared straight ahead at the rows of books on a nearby shelf as his words penetrated my dark mood.
My gilded, leather-bound copy of Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina jumped out at me.
I didn’t even hear Vaska leave as I reached for the book.
Flipping through the pages, I found the passage I was looking for. My fingertip ran over the print.
There can be no peace for us, only misery, and the greatest happiness.
Vaska was right. I wasn’t protecting her by staying away. No one would ever care for her like I did. She was mine and always would be. Moving forward, I would take every precaution to make sure nothing like what had happened in Morocco ever happened again.
Fuck, I needed to see her… to hold her… now… this very minute.
It was like I hadn’t taken a deep breath since leaving her side.
I needed her sweetness like I needed air.
Grabbing my car keys, I stormed out of the room into the entry hall and reached for the doorknob.
It was time I brought моя крошка home where she belonged.