Chapter 13
D enial. I couldn’t believe what had happened. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real. Our marriage was over, I knew this, but I still refused to believe it to be true. Everything happened so fast. It didn’t feel real.
Dazed and exhausted, I was like a zombie. If someone were to ask me how I got to the safe house, I couldn’t tell. Half the time I was asleep, trying to escape the pain that came when I was awake. All I could do was cry and wallow in my sorrow.
Ridiculous as it may seem, there was still a glimmer of hope in my heart that it was all just an elaborate ruse, a joke, some twisted prank. But when I woke up in a strange bed, alone, I knew there was no hope to redeem our relationship.
Anger . There are no words strong enough to describe how I was feeling. I felt broken, destroyed, wounded, ripped open and raw. I was hurting in the worst possible way and I took it out on everyone around me.
Due to the tropical spring rain, I spent most of the days inside the villa that served as our safe house. I still had no clue where we were, but I had a sneaking suspicion we were somewhere close to where we used to go on a holiday when I was younger. When mom was still alive. Those holidays were rare and far between, but I had a vague memory of the beach and the ocean.
Being stuck inside had its benefits as the villa had a huge indoor gym which I took full advantage of. While using a punching bag to get rid of some of the frustration, I asked myself the burning questions ‘ why ?’
Why would he do this? Why would he lie to my face? Why did he make me believe he actually cared two shits about me? Why would he string me along if he meant to get rid of me anyway? Why was I still in love with him? Why can’t I ever just be happy?
I punched harder. Why. Won’t. He. Get. Out. Of. My. Head? Punching between every word, harder and harder, beating up the bag as it swung in the air, taking my anger as if it would make me feel any better. It didn’t. Nothing would make it better .
Bargain . For a fleeting moment I thought I was at fault, that I had done something wrong. I vowed that I would be better, do better from now on. Maybe then there would still be a future for us. I would be the perfect wife, the perfect doll the men always wanted.
Quiet, fit, polished, well mannered, mindfull, demure, submissive, prim and proper.
I shuddered at the thought. That would not be my fate. That wasn’t me, and maybe that was the problem. I wasn’t perfect. Maybe if I had been, he would have loved me. He wouldn’t have thrown me a way. Maybe if I was her, the perfect daughter, the perfect bride, I’d deserve his love. Maybe, just maybe if I could be her . But I’ll never be her.
Depression . As the days turned into weeks and weeks into months, I seemed to have lost all of my energy. The weather, unlike my mind, stayed sunny, and instead of enjoying the tropical weather, I made a nest for myself in one of the guest rooms. All I wanted to do was to hide away in the cocoon and disappear. The world seemed to be drained of all colors, all light, all laughter, all happiness and life just gone. I felt nothing but the void inside me.
I even lost my appetite. My father had to hire a nutritionist that was in charge of my daily intake of all the nutrients. I didn’t care if I wilted away. It was all the same to me. Nothing mattered.
He tried everything. He even thought bringing my cousin Erica to the villa would cheer me up. It didn’t. She was in love and happily married to her husband, Francisco Lorenzo. Her marital bliss practically oozed out of her. I would have hated her for it if I had any energy to hate.
They even hosted a recreation of their wedding at the villa. She looked just like me if only slightly shorter, with similar hair, ears and nose all of our family members seemed to inherit.
Shamelessly she flaunted her ring in front of everyone. I hated every second of it. Their cheerful attitude was a constant reminder of what I had lost. I couldn’t even muster a fake smile in most of the pictures taken that day.
Acceptance . He was gone. The grief would take its time, but I had to move on, however long it would take, I’d be whole again. Maybe.
The day my cousin showed her sonogram I realized I had to snap out of my misery. I had to make peace with the loss and focus on the future. Our family was going to get a new member and I needed to be supportive. I was going to be an aunt.