15. 15
15
Colton
B liss.
That’s all I could think as my boots crunched across to the barn. It was still early enough to be dark but late enough to see my hand in front of my face. Out of my good eye, at least. Cockatoos squawked and flew between trees. I could hear the younger horses running about in their paddocks, playing before the heat of the approaching day set in. A smile filled my face when I imagined their back hooves kicking up and squeaky farts escaping between their cheeks during a pigroot. I stopped halfway between the barn and house, taking the time to appreciate my surroundings.
‘Sure is better than a trailer,’ I murmured to myself before quickly shaking the feeling of serenity.
I had to stop thinking like that. My life wasn’t here anymore. I’d built my life in the US—the life I’d always wanted—although it was a little shambolic at the moment. The life I’d lost Honey over. She had moved on. There was nothing left for me here. I had to lie in the bed I’d made. The bed which now consisted of my PR team scrambling and manager continuing to send anger-fuelled messages.
Glenn: YOU LITTLE SHIT! I ALLOW YOU TO GO HOME AT A PIVOTAL POINT IN THE SEASON AND THIS IS WHAT YOU DO? YOU’RE MEANT TO BE SAD ABOUT YOUR DAD, NOT PUNCHING UP FOOTBALL JOCKS IN A BAR! DUCK ME!
Glenn: DUCK ME!
Glenn: DUCK NOT DUCK!
Glenn: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
Hence why I’d left my phone on my bedside table.
I continued my way to the barn. The spotlight flashed to life when I set off the sensor. I didn’t need to look where I was putting my hand before the interior barn lights flicked on. I grinned at the six heads that peeked over their half doors, pink square tongues licking their lips. I made my way down the aisle, my head swinging to look at each horse. A little black filly at the end was tossing her head, beckoning me.
‘Hey there, little lady,’ I murmured quietly, reaching out to run a hand down her velvet face. ‘Wanna go runnin’?’
I picked her halter from a hook by the stall, giving a soft cluck for her to follow me into the aisle where I cross-tied her to be saddled. From a nearby grooming kit, I grabbed a body brush and hoof pick which I tucked into my pocket. The filly’s ears flickered towards me with every move I made. I began running the brush over her glossy coat; along her neck, down her shoulders, across her back and belly to round off on her rump.
I looked over my shoulder, where hay bales still sat against the wall, seeing my four-year-old self with a too-big hat on my head and jeans tucked into my boots. I’d been watching my mum groom her horse, Chester, a big palomino quarter horse. Her saddle and bridle had been waiting on a barn door nearby.
‘A horse needs to start their work looking and feeling good, Colton. If you want your horse to perform, then so do you.’ She’d passed me the brush and nodded to my pony, Marbles, who’d been dozing in front of Chester. ‘Now you brush that pony ‘til he shines and then we’ll go for a ride.’
We hadn’t come back until after lunch. Dad had almost sent out a search party.
I tossed the brush back into the grooming box and pulled the hoof pick from my pocket, running my hand down the filly’s legs for her to lift her feet while checking for any injuries at the same time. Young horses loved to push the limits, seeing what their big bodies could do, even locked in a stall overnight. I picked and scraped at her hooves until all the paddock dirt, sawdust and manure was scattered around us.
After running a brush through her mane and tail, I made my way into the tack room, a lump forming in my throat at the saddle tucked into the corner. I pulled the cover off, a wobbly smile coming onto my face when the metal plaques on the saddle gleamed back at me. Gumtree Valley Barrel Racing Champion 2002 was stamped into the stirrup fenders. She’d won it after entering the local rodeo on a whim, determined to relive her passion after becoming a mother.
Then that same year, she’d died.
Life was a bitch.
I moved my hand to brush a thumb over the nameplate on the bridle which hung above. CHESTER . She’d loved that horse. Instead of a ring, my dad had proposed with a horse. As sad as it’d been, it’d softened the blow of losing Mum slightly when her beloved horse broke his leg only a few months later. He was buried not far from her in the family cemetery. It meant she’d no longer be alone, the pair of them chasing cans in the clouds just like they had on Earth.
With a deep breath, I hooked the saddle up onto my arm with the bridle on my shoulder. The leather was still soft and strong. I knew my dad wouldn’t have let it go to waste. The filly flinched slightly when I placed the blanket on her back followed by the weight of the saddle. I made a show of yanking on straps with more force than necessary and jostling the stirrups by her sides. Desensitising. With the girth tightened around her belly and breastplate strapped across her chest, I allowed the halter to drop from her head and replaced it with the bridle.
‘Well, you’re no Chester, but it’ll do for now.’
The sun was beginning to make its appearance as we stepped outside the barn, along with the pesky flies. I faced the filly, running my hand over her neck and shoulder as I flicked the split reins over her neck. I watched her body language as I put a foot in the stirrup. She tensed slightly, her ears tilted right back, to work out what I was doing. She moved slightly when I stood and licked her lips when I lowered myself down. I gave a soft cluck and gently squeezed my legs around her, grabbing at the reins to back her up when she gave a nervous rush forward.
‘We’re gonna try that again.’ I clucked and squeezed again, giving her a pat on the neck when she walked steadily. ‘There’s a good girl.’
Her head bobbed, glossy mane bouncing, as we made our way towards the back paddocks. I moved her into a trot as we approached the first rise. I could feel her coiled body beneath me, like a bomb threatening to go off. I felt myself grin and kissed her into a canter. I was quick to gather my reins when her body rounded underneath me. I pulled on the reins, tucking her chin into her chest so she couldn’t get enough strength to throw herself into a mighty buck. I kicked at her sides as she bounced underneath me.
‘Gotta make those bad moments uncomfortable, son.’
It wasn’t long until the filly worked out co-operation was more comfortable, allowing me to move her into a smooth canter across the paddocks. I didn’t have a plan of where I wanted to ride when I slid out of bed. All I knew was that I needed to escape after Honey’s words had circulated around my mind all night. I needed to know what happened. In this town, everyone knew everything about each other, especially Honey, who’d suffered extra scrutiny thanks to her parents. If it were something so bad, someone would’ve told me. Then again, no one was talking to me seven years ago. Beau had been pissed I’d left him to run things with Dad. Dad was heartbroken that I didn’t want to live the life he’d dreamt of for me. Ellie-May, the loyal friend, said I was dead to her after breaking Honey’s heart. And Riley … well, he wouldn’t know a bull was chasing him until its horns were in his arse.
The filly continued cantering, tack jingling, as we’d unconsciously moved towards the furthest corner of the property. The side by the nearby road, an area shaded by gums from the harsh elements.
‘Whoa, girl.’ I sat deeper in my seat, pulling on the reins slightly to bring her to a halt at the top of the peak. She shifted anxiously beneath me but I held her steady. ‘Now go easy on me. It’s been some time since I’ve been back here.’
I moved her into a canter, my heart thudding in my chest as the headstones loomed closer. Eventually I brought the filly to another halt, hesitating before I jumped down from the saddle and looped her reins through a low branch. She resisted her restraints at first, before giving into defeat and standing under the shade with her back hoof resting and tongue licking between her lips.
‘That means she’s learning,’ said my mum’s voice.
Despite the morning already warming, I felt cold as I approached the cemetery. Generations of the Hayes family. The front row of headstones were falling apart. The names barely readable. My great-great-grandparents were buried with their three sons—one of whom was my dad’s grandfather. My dad’s younger sister, who’d lost her battle to cancer and wished to be buried in the place she’d grown up, was behind them.
‘Hey, Mum.’
BELINDA “BELLE” HAYES
MOTHER, WIFE, HORSEWOMAN
May you gallop free among the clouds
1966 – 2002
I lowered myself down in front, using my fingers to brush away dust which covered the photo in the headstone. It was her whipping around a barrel with Chester, whose own cross sat further in the corner with all the animals we’d lost throughout the years. Determination was in her eyes and teeth were gritted with concentration. Chester was pure muscle with flattened ears. She was younger in this photo, when she used to travel Australia competing. Then she’d met Dad and the nomadic rodeo lifestyle no longer tempted her. A year later, they were married with Beau cooking away in her belly.
‘I’m sorry it’s been a while.’ I took off my hat, using my thumb to rub at marks which weren’t there. ‘I’ve been living the rodeo lifestyle, just like you used to. You left it for Dad, but I … I quit Honey for this life … and I don’t know if I made the right decision. Not that it matters. Beau has her now, even though it’s one of the strangest relationships I’ve ever known.’ I took a deep breath and looked at the dawn sky. ‘Something bad happened to her when I was gone, Mum, I know it. I should’ve been here. Well, I don’t know where the fuck I’m meant to be anymore. Sorry for swearing.’
I sat there for some time, feeling the day warm around me and swatted flies away from the moisture of my non-swollen eyeball. I didn’t know if I really believed Mum was there, watching over me and providing guidance. Wasn’t it just something people did to feel close to them again? With a sniff, I planted my hat back on my head and got to my feet. The black filly watched me approach with pricked ears. I gave her face a fond rub.
‘Good thing you were already wearing black.’
I flicked the reins over her neck and mounted, turning her back for home.
***
It was the sound of other hoofbeats competing against the filly’s that told me my morning of solitude was no more. I slowed her to a trot and looked over my shoulder, eventually bringing her to a halt as I watched Honey canter aboard Misty. I felt dizzy just looking at her with the sunrise coming up behind her. I gripped on tightly when the filly gave a nervous lurch at the new horse coming up beside her.
Honey gave a sheepish smile, bringing Misty to a halt alongside me. ‘Sorry. One of the young ones?’
I nodded and urged the filly to move alongside Misty. ‘That’s alright. The more she’s exposed to, the better.’
We fell into an easy silence, nothing but the sound of squeaking tack and the horses’ steps moved through my ears. My left hand itched to reach towards her, to be placed on her jean-clad thigh or to hold her hand in mine. That was how we used to ride, hand-in-hand, talking about anything and everything. My chest tightened at the thought of her now doing that with Beau. But I was the damn fool who’d let her go.
‘Your face looks worse today,’ said Honey. Her body swayed with the gait of her horse easily.
I gave a short bark of laughter. ‘Third day is always the worst.’
She laughed softly. ‘How’s your PR team handling it?’
‘Fine, I guess. Playing it off as me struggling with my dad’s accident.’ I shrugged nonchalantly. ‘Sob stories seem to work.’
She nodded silently, chewing at that bottom lip. ‘Why won’t you tell me?’
‘Tell you what?’
‘The fight.’ Her blue eyes drilled into me. ‘You started it, didn’t you?’
I readjusted my hat, keeping my gaze locked on the view of barns and yards ahead. ‘What makes you say that?’
‘Well, Tailgates hasn’t seen a fight like that in years, and then pool cues are suddenly being snapped across backs the night you walk in?’ She gave a snort. ‘Don’t seem like a coincidence to me.’
This time I readjusted myself in my saddle. If I told Honey why I’d snapped, she’d tell Beau and then my big brother would be hounding my arse about staying away from his girl. I knew it was wrong of me to still carry a torch for the girl he was now with but after seven years of trying, I didn’t see the flame which burnt so fiercely for Honey snuffing out anytime soon.
‘You go ahead and think what you want.’
Honey kicked Misty into a trot before reining the mare around to block me. ‘Don’t bullshit me, Colton.’ She sighed. ‘Was it about me?’
‘I never thought Honey would be the type to fuck two brothers. It must kill you to see her with your brother now. Unless you have some messed-up three-ways.’
‘Stop talking, Braxton, before I shove my pool cue up your arse and use you as a flag.’
‘I’d love to find out how much she could take, the little slut.’
I swallowed. I’d always been honest with Honey, even when it’d hurt her. But I couldn’t be honest anymore. ‘Why won’t you tell me about whatever it was you were protecting me from after I left?’
She narrowed her eyes. Misty shifted beneath her. I trained the mare myself. She was sensitive and smart, a horse that needed a rider with a gentle hand and calm emotions. It was why I’d given her to Honey. Misty was telling me my question had sent the nerves of her rider spiking. ‘Answer my question, Colton.’
I rested back in the saddle. ‘You answer mine first.’
She sniffed, and I straightened, alarm bells ringing in my head when tears shimmered in her eyes. ‘I came here to see Beau. See you around, Colton.’
‘Whoa, hey. I didn’t mean to make you upset!’
I sighed as she continued cantering away. The house was no longer somewhere I wanted to be now that Honey would be hanging off Beau’s arm. I turned the filly back the way we’d come. ‘Come on, we might as well get you used to working in open areas.’